I’ve made the biggest mistake today with School and my DD will pay for it

[Year5For3days]

DD is 9, Year 5.

Going on residential trip for 3 days at the end of November with School.

Had a meeting about it today to discuss some minor adjustments we’re talking small things like sleeping arrangements and giving of medication we’re not talking huge issues or things that can’t be overcome which makes me feel even worse. I’ve had a bad feeling about it since it was announced. I don’t know why; DD goes away with her dad (my ex-husband) and Scouts (Cubs) all the time and I never feel weird or strange about it. Scouts have never had a meeting with me about it I think that was why, but I know they’re different to school.

I told the Deputy Head running the trip how I felt and it descended into an argument between me and her. I didn’t mean for it to happen and I know she feels strongly about it, she’s run the trip every year since she started working at the school in 2013 (which is the year before DD was born ironically) and nothing has ever gone wrong, ever apparently. They’ve had 1 minor injury in all those years - a bumped head on the last day and the child still got on the bus and came back to school with them, and 1 bout of sickness where 2 kids were sent home, otherwise it’s always ran without a hitch.

But I have a really bad feeling about it, and I can’t describe it. It’s not about the money, I’d happily pay for DD to stay at school or keep her home for the 3 days. I couldn’t describe it and that’s why it turned into an argument I think, I’m keeping my stance that DD is not going, and the DHT wants her to go. Things got a bit heated; no-one swore or threw insults around but I did end up crying. And the DHT did say several times “I don’t get what the issue, I can’t see any reason (DDs name) can’t join us” and another teacher heard the discussion and came in to try to mediate unsuccessfully. Meeting ended with no resolution as it was end of the day and I had to join the queue to get DD and DHT had to be with her class.

I’m now worried that DD is going to be seen as strange or odd. DHT is DDs Maths teacher (but not class teacher) so I didn’t want to make things worse.

I don’t think anything can reassure me that it will be ok. I don’t know why I feel like this. DD went away with Cubs in the summer and that was wild camping for a week 3 hours’ drive away, not anything like the school trip which is staying in a hostel less than an hour’s drive from home still within the same county we live in and I had absolutely no qualms sending her with Cubs in fact I cheered after I’d dropped her. She was fine, worst thing that happened was she got stung by a nettle but she coped. And I don’t think that’s what I’m worried about.

How bad are things going to be for DD next week? Or will they be trying to get her to persuade me to send her? As I said I’m not concerned about the money.

I’d be careful your anxiety doesn’t start pushing your dd away at some point in the future. Everything you’ve described is your issue, not your dd. My DS had a girl in his year whose mum was very overbearing. Said she had severe allergies but no epipen for them, Wouldn’t let her walk to school with her friends etc The girl had to watch a full coach of her friends go off on the residential. She was the only child not going. She rebelled spectacularly a few years later. School have made accommodations, as would be expected, for your dd. Don’t smother her thinking you’re doing the best all due to a ‘feeling’ you don’t think she should go.

Is this poor child picking up on all this hysteria? I doubt she will want to go after so much drama.
If she does go, the school won't make it difficult for her - if anything, they will ensure she has a lovely time and will probably be concerned for her!

Clearly many on this thread have not read Gavin de Becker's "The Gift Of Fear". OP's picked up on something small, not consciously identifiable, that makes her fear for her daughter on this trip. If it was just her anxiety talking, it would kick in for all the Cubs trips too.

Why is DHT so invested in this girl going?

You mean the cub trips her daughter's father is on? Yeah cos that makes it exactly the same.

This is 100% a parent with a problem not a 'gut instinct'.

I actually feel really angry with you.
You will pass your anxieties on to your daughter and she will miss out because of you.

Thank you everyone, you have all made some very good points and I will spend the weekend thinking about this.

I am on medication for my anxiety but I do overthink every small thing I do.

I consider it a mistake, I didn't want to argue with the Deputy, and I can see why she wants DD to go.

Like i said I will go away and have a proper think about why I feel like I do and see if I can find out whats causing it, and if it's something that can maybe be worked around for the trip.

@RedToothBrush ExH doesn't go on Cubs trips, he takes DD away on seperate trips without me (of course as we're not together anymore) and I never have concerns about those and they're far less organised than School or Cubs.

OP I understand your anxiety.
DS suffered with a form of epilepsy from 7-12yrs old. He had occasional seizures as he was dropping if to sleep, never at any other time and because we coped with the odd night time seizure he was not medicated.
He was at a private school where they had a residential trip every year from yr 2 onwards. It was hell, but at no point did I let DS see how worried I was. The teacher in charge of each trip knew the rules, he couldn’t sleep in the top bunk and they usually arranged for him to be with one of his friends who knew that he may have a seizure. He used to have loads of sleepovers and the parents involved were happy to have him but all knew what to do if he had a seizure . We were very lucky he had friends who were so understanding.
He grew out of the seizures and is now very independent and confident. He has a good social life. It could have been so different if we had wrapped him in cotton wool and continually projected our own anxiety.

I get that it is so easy to overthink these trips, but I think that you need help with coping as your DD grows up. It’s only going to get worse.
Your DD is growing up and your anxiety will have a detrimental affect on her as she goes through her teens. Whatever the root cause you need to talk to a professional in real life.

With anxiety nothing needs to cause it. Spend your time looking at ways to deal with the anxiety. CBT. Mindfulness. Exercise. Distraction.

I totally get this. My youngest DS has a disability, but they have no issues joining in with mainstream activities. It's a long time ago now, DS was going on a primary school day out, it wasnt even a night away and he'd stayed away before without issue. But I knew the place they were visiting for the day trip, there was a walk that had a bit of a drop (with safety railings). I became fixated on the idea that he might fall, I had such a bad feeling about it. DS was absolutely adamant he was going on the trip and he did go and was fine.
I've no idea what caused the utter sense of dtead. It was so strange.

Pretty much this!
Sad that your child will miss out on this experience with her classmates for no good reason

Absolutely this.

OP if you are fine with all other trips yet this one gives you the heebie-jeebies then trust your instincts. You detected something's off. So again if this is a one time thing, trust yourself.

Better safe than sorry.

That the teacher went off on you for not wanting your DD to go is also weird imho.

Like i said I will go away and have a proper think about why I feel like I do and see if I can find out whats causing it, and if it's something that can maybe be worked around for the trip

But you do know what’s causing it. Your anxiety!

Currently in the midst of similar in my own school. I think this conversation has come from a place of care for your daughter missing out on a trip she thought she was going on with her friends. The teacher is trying to encourage you to let her be independent and grow in confidence. I've had a child ask me to talk to their parent who wouldn't let them come. The fact the teacher set up a personal meeting to try to calm your fears and you say she is experienced and a lovely person please think carefully and see if you can allow your daughter to enjoy this with her friends.

Are you getting any help that isn’t medication to help with anxiety. You are running the danger of passing these onto your daughter if it continues. It already seems as if you have placed doubt in her mind over wanting to go on the trip.

as far as the school is concerned they don’t actually care if your child goes or not so there will be no consequences there.

This trust your instincts/gut thing is a load of rubbish though. Like a pp I had my own irrational fear about a trip once. It was a class trip to a canal. I was so convinced that my seven year old might fall in and drown. I had sleepless nights. I wanted to go as a volunteer so I could be at hand (there were no spaces left).

The difference was that I knew it was irrational. I didn't prevent her going because of my 'gut'. I was rational enough to know that it was just stuck in my head and not a premonition. So she went, I spent the day being as busy as I could be, and sighed with relief when the coach arrived back with everyone safe and sound.

There are loads of good reasons why children might not or should not go on school residentials. A parent suffering from anxiety isn't one of those good reasons.

Your anxiety is spoiling your life OP - don't let it spoil your daughters life any more than is necessary. Set your own irrational fears aside and put her first.

And don't worry that the school will in some way penalise your daughter because you had an argument. They will be used to dealing with irrational/unreasonable/argumentative parents. If anything they will feel sorry for your daughter.

i have anxiety myself- you cant say trust your gut to someone with anxiety-wed never go anywhere or do anything-our gut says no to most thngs

dont let your anxiety take over your dds life she'll resent you or turn out the same

I would go with your child’s gut feeling rather than your own. Does she want to go? If so you need to come to terms with that being the right thing. Don’t let your anxiety spoil it for her. If, however, she is anxious and doesn’t want to go then she shouldn’t have to. Especially as the trip is optional.

Op in the nicest possible way, the reason why you can't put your finger on what the problem might be is because there is no problem other than your anxiety. When did you last discuss your anxiety with the gp.

Then fact that the dht reduced you to tears over your decision not to send your dd, would be enough for me . You are entitled to withdraw consent and you do not have to give anyone a reason.
I'd trust your gut on this, if it was your anxiety then every trip would make you anxious.

She is not sure because she is picking up on your anxiety. You are really making things into a mess for her here and are sticking out like a sore thumb as quite irrational to the school. It will affect how he I perceived. Take the weekend and think how to fix this and stop putting your issues on her.

OP what were your own school residentials (if you had them) like?

Is there something about the trip that's triggering a bad memory for you, consciously or not? It may not necessarily be a school trip - but something in common with this trip, such as the hostel.

Really weird the DHT would get into an argument with you about this.
Its not her place to argue or raise her voice.

Your child Attending a school trip is your choice the only person you need to explain this to is your child.

This is totally unnecessary and cruel. There's many kids who can’t go on these trips due to disabilities etc