I’ve made the biggest mistake today with School and my DD will pay for it

[Year5For3days]

DD is 9, Year 5.

Going on residential trip for 3 days at the end of November with School.

Had a meeting about it today to discuss some minor adjustments we’re talking small things like sleeping arrangements and giving of medication we’re not talking huge issues or things that can’t be overcome which makes me feel even worse. I’ve had a bad feeling about it since it was announced. I don’t know why; DD goes away with her dad (my ex-husband) and Scouts (Cubs) all the time and I never feel weird or strange about it. Scouts have never had a meeting with me about it I think that was why, but I know they’re different to school.

I told the Deputy Head running the trip how I felt and it descended into an argument between me and her. I didn’t mean for it to happen and I know she feels strongly about it, she’s run the trip every year since she started working at the school in 2013 (which is the year before DD was born ironically) and nothing has ever gone wrong, ever apparently. They’ve had 1 minor injury in all those years - a bumped head on the last day and the child still got on the bus and came back to school with them, and 1 bout of sickness where 2 kids were sent home, otherwise it’s always ran without a hitch.

But I have a really bad feeling about it, and I can’t describe it. It’s not about the money, I’d happily pay for DD to stay at school or keep her home for the 3 days. I couldn’t describe it and that’s why it turned into an argument I think, I’m keeping my stance that DD is not going, and the DHT wants her to go. Things got a bit heated; no-one swore or threw insults around but I did end up crying. And the DHT did say several times “I don’t get what the issue, I can’t see any reason (DDs name) can’t join us” and another teacher heard the discussion and came in to try to mediate unsuccessfully. Meeting ended with no resolution as it was end of the day and I had to join the queue to get DD and DHT had to be with her class.

I’m now worried that DD is going to be seen as strange or odd. DHT is DDs Maths teacher (but not class teacher) so I didn’t want to make things worse.

I don’t think anything can reassure me that it will be ok. I don’t know why I feel like this. DD went away with Cubs in the summer and that was wild camping for a week 3 hours’ drive away, not anything like the school trip which is staying in a hostel less than an hour’s drive from home still within the same county we live in and I had absolutely no qualms sending her with Cubs in fact I cheered after I’d dropped her. She was fine, worst thing that happened was she got stung by a nettle but she coped. And I don’t think that’s what I’m worried about.

How bad are things going to be for DD next week? Or will they be trying to get her to persuade me to send her? As I said I’m not concerned about the money.

@Year5For3days what was the other instance when you had this feeling and you were proven right? How bad was it?

Did you ever go on residentials? What was your experience of it?

I was sexually assaulted on mine so I really struggled when it was time for DD to go. I had all the worries in the world for that week. Luckily the school sent loads of updates and pictures during the day which massively helped.

As an aside, your argument with the DHT won't affect your daughter in any way. It happens in plenty of schools every year. It's not as unusual as some poster are making it to have school staff try and convince parents to let their children go on residential, try to get to the bottom of why and see if they can do anything to sort it. No one will think less of DD or treat her differently. We have kids that don't go every year for various reasons like religion, anxiety , previous bad experiences, medical needs ,financial concerns , or simply just don't want to due to the nature of the activities or the dynamics in the class. It happens.

I think the real problem here is that your DD really wants to go and you saying no without a real reason will be confusing and upsetting for her.

Of course it will.

That's the nature of anxiety.

She is definitely catastrophising about how the teachers will now treat her daughter badly.

Agree with your last paragraph.

This is what I was trying to reach towards, earlier in the thread, when I posted about whether the DHT was necessarily being unprofessional as another poster believed, or whether the OP's account of the meeting can be read differently.

Of course we only have OP's description to go on, and OP was the only one of us who was there to assess how unprofessional, argumentative or forceful the DHT was being, but I know from looking back on things in my own life that my feelings at the time can strongly colour how I interpret and describe interactions.

It sounded to me from the description like it could possibly have just been a conversation at cross purposes — DHT thinking the conversation was in "trying to identify issues and find solutions" stage, and OP having moved on to "decision made, she's not going whatever adjustments are put in place" stage.

If there was maybe anxiety on the OP's side, and possibly confusion or frustration on the DHT's side, both heightening the emotional temperature, that could've made a cross-purposes conversation feel like a really unpleasant argument.

If you can’t vocalise the issue then how an do you expect the school to deal
DHT was probably exasperated by going round in circles
they can’t offer solutions if you can’t tell them what the problem is

also this late in the day I would presume you’d still have to pay if you cancel

DumboHimalayan does the pope (or anyone else for that matter) know that God has returned to Earth in your form?

@Itwasafterallallaboutme
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Finally, someone's noticed!

Go, spread the word, your new prophet is here — I bring joyous tidings of a new commandment, about not deliberately and gratuitously pumping up the anxiety of people already suffering with diagnosed mental health problems.

I think the whole thing is heightened by the OP’s anxiety. It is in the territory of irrational paranoia on the part of the OP to think that it is her dd who will be thought odd or strange by the school, or given a hard time by the teachers following the conversation with the DHT - unless there is a massive issue with the school or DHT generally that the OP very weirdly forgot to mention.

No doubt the DHT will be thinking she handled the interaction badly (it sounds like she did, as she seems to have been blindsided by the inexplicability of the OP’s extreme paranoia about this trip) and will be feeling confused about the cause of the parental anxiety, but it’s the parents odd reaction that will be worrying her, not any hidden oddness of the child.

I have anxiety (diagnosed) and had a wobble before my eldest DC went on the school residential. I nearly called it off, spent the whole time with a knot in my stomach unable to rest of concentrate on anything. It was all fine! It was my own anxiety and I don't know why it effected me so much. Hasn't happened with subsequent trips.

I don’t know if I’d be very nice if a parent was implying I wouldn’t look after their child on a school trip tbh because of some unspecified feeling, even though I’d spent time explaining all the things I would do to meet the child’s needs and I had done many of these trips and there has never been a problem.

you can’t have a gut feeling about something that isn’t happening to you at that moment. You can have an anxious feeling though. I think being a mother heightens your anxiety response to your dc as it helps to keep them safe but we also have to acknowledge that and accept that whilst we feel anxious we need to let our dc out into the world as well.

For me, my gut reactions and anxiety reactions are very different to when I ‘knew’ something bad would happen. It as a totally different sensation. I know how anxiety feels in my body. I have had ‘gut reactions’ to people. Similar - but not quite the same physiological sensations. When I had an ‘I know something bad is going to happen’ moment, it felt completely different. I rationalised it away and forgot about it, until the bad thing happened. Know it was going to happen didn’t make it avoidable and it was hard at the time, but ok.

For centuries, women have been ignored and belittled when they share their intuition. We have been taught to ignore it. I think becoming a mum can change us and attune us more sometimes. And anxiety is powerful and requires work to step around it and do what matters most to us in life. The OP has been ok with other residential.

So whilst this might well just be very natural but irrational anxiety, the OP is saying it feels different to that.

I think OP, you should feel into it to see why it feels different. Avoid overthinking it, don’t judge it, just feel into and notice what is happening in your body. Notice what feels similar to anxiety and what doesn’t. Then decide. It might be your own stuff getting in the way or it might be mothers instincts. Only you will know and I get the sense you want the best for your DC so whatever you decide will have been with the best of intentions.

I think you should write down all the things you are worried about and then put next to it the solutions/adjustments the school can make.
write absolutely everything down.
With anxiety it sometimes helps to think more clearly when you can see it in black and white
See if there’s a sufficient “fix” for every worry
If there is but it still feels really wrong to you don’t send her

I am a bit wary about relying on intuition. Especially where anxiety is involved.
However, I was once begged and begged by a uni flat mate not to do a bungee jump as she had a terrible terrible feeling. Eventually I cancelled as she was in a state about it. An issue was found with the safety harness after the first person had (luckily successfully) jumped.
I was due to jump first and I was taller and heavier than the girl who went first….
Coincidence? I will never know but it has led me to be a lot more open to intuition. However, I do feel you need to do the written exercise first to make sure it isn’t just normal anxiety

When I was at school, my family couldn't afford the residential trip and I was the only one that couldn't go. This was decade's ago, but I can still remember how I felt, how I was bullied and how I didn't say one word to my parents. Please, don't do this to your DD

If she doesn’t want to go and you don’t want her to go, I don’t see the problem.

Thought I'd update to say DD is going on the trip!

I said sorry to the Deputy Head and she sent me some photos of the hostel and activities from her risk assessment, and she went through the menu with DD and has sorted out alternatives for the things DD will not eat (like egg and potatoes - I know weird things to dislike). She also talked DD through sleeping arrangements and has offered DD a hug every night to help her sleep (which is part of our routine - DD brushes her teeth, has a hug with me then goes into her room, and I switch the light off and close the door).

I am still worried about DD going but I think it's more because it's an unknown situation in the sense that I know what happens with Cubs/Scouts etc and what will happen if DD is upset/sick. DHT has tried to reassure me that I will be contacted and has said she'll get school secretary to email me a photo asap when they get there.

DD is still nervous but is also slightly excited so I'm trying not to show how anxious I am about.

Will let you all know how she gets on.

Well done OP, you've done the right thing!

Oh well done @Year5For3days. That's great.

Great update. Hopefully it will be a positive experience all round, DHT sounds great.

Thank you for the update, OP!

Well done! I think you have done really well to come down from that peak of anxiety and make a plan for your DD. You should be proud of yourself!

Great outcome!!

School and scout/guides leaders are so experienced that she will be in good hands. Glad you reached this outcome.

Pleased it's been sorted. I'm sure this will be a great experience for her.

Well done OP, sitting with your feelings and really trying to think through what was the root of your foreboding, was the right thing to do. I absolutely feel that intuition shouldn't be ignored but as someone with diagnosed anxiety, I also know that my catastrophising can also give rise to similar feelings.

OP I am SOOOO glad to read your update.

One of my friends is a yr6 teacher who does the school residential every year.

She says that every year there is a really anxious parent who says 'my child is so terribly anxious' or they won't cope etc etc.

But what happens is that away from parental expectations and previous experiences around those anxious parents, those kids absolutely thrive because their parent isn't there to remind them that they are scare of heights/water/dark etc. Freed from that those kids are often the ones that thrive on the trip most and get more out of it.

On the other hand, the normally confident kids with pushy parents are conversely the ones that struggle more and need more support from staff.

I really really hope this turns out to be the case for you and when your daughter comes back she's loved every single second and can't stop talking about it. Not just for her sake but because I think it will also do you the world of good to remind you that a little bit of anxiety is fine but anxiety that's out of control and can not also be rationalised is problematic and you need to tackle it head on.

Good luck and I hope your daughter has an amazing time.

@Year5For3days such good news. Proud of you for facing your fears.

Well done on not letting anxiety dictate to you and your dd.