I’ve made the biggest mistake today with School and my DD will pay for it

[Year5For3days]

DD is 9, Year 5.

Going on residential trip for 3 days at the end of November with School.

Had a meeting about it today to discuss some minor adjustments we’re talking small things like sleeping arrangements and giving of medication we’re not talking huge issues or things that can’t be overcome which makes me feel even worse. I’ve had a bad feeling about it since it was announced. I don’t know why; DD goes away with her dad (my ex-husband) and Scouts (Cubs) all the time and I never feel weird or strange about it. Scouts have never had a meeting with me about it I think that was why, but I know they’re different to school.

I told the Deputy Head running the trip how I felt and it descended into an argument between me and her. I didn’t mean for it to happen and I know she feels strongly about it, she’s run the trip every year since she started working at the school in 2013 (which is the year before DD was born ironically) and nothing has ever gone wrong, ever apparently. They’ve had 1 minor injury in all those years - a bumped head on the last day and the child still got on the bus and came back to school with them, and 1 bout of sickness where 2 kids were sent home, otherwise it’s always ran without a hitch.

But I have a really bad feeling about it, and I can’t describe it. It’s not about the money, I’d happily pay for DD to stay at school or keep her home for the 3 days. I couldn’t describe it and that’s why it turned into an argument I think, I’m keeping my stance that DD is not going, and the DHT wants her to go. Things got a bit heated; no-one swore or threw insults around but I did end up crying. And the DHT did say several times “I don’t get what the issue, I can’t see any reason (DDs name) can’t join us” and another teacher heard the discussion and came in to try to mediate unsuccessfully. Meeting ended with no resolution as it was end of the day and I had to join the queue to get DD and DHT had to be with her class.

I’m now worried that DD is going to be seen as strange or odd. DHT is DDs Maths teacher (but not class teacher) so I didn’t want to make things worse.

I don’t think anything can reassure me that it will be ok. I don’t know why I feel like this. DD went away with Cubs in the summer and that was wild camping for a week 3 hours’ drive away, not anything like the school trip which is staying in a hostel less than an hour’s drive from home still within the same county we live in and I had absolutely no qualms sending her with Cubs in fact I cheered after I’d dropped her. She was fine, worst thing that happened was she got stung by a nettle but she coped. And I don’t think that’s what I’m worried about.

How bad are things going to be for DD next week? Or will they be trying to get her to persuade me to send her? As I said I’m not concerned about the money.

I've been anxious too about school trips, I've had the conversation with the class teacher that I don't think my beginner swimmer unconfident DS should go on a watersports trip, he went and had a fab time, I think we all have been anxious at one point or another - but logically kids all go on school trips and they are fine. What exactly are you worried might happen OP?

So basically you have massive anxiety issues which you are allowing to disrupt your daughter's life and make her miss out on opportunities for no other reason then because you can't handle it?

Get help. This is massively no ok and if I were the school I'd be asking safeguarding questions. I wouldn't take it out on the child but I'd be seriously concerned about the situation at home.

This is your anxiety talking. Don't make your daughter bear the brunt of your mental health issues. If she wants to go let her.

I’m now worried that DD is going to be seen as strange or odd.

They definitely won’t think DD is strange or odd but your behaviour obviously was, so they may be a bit concerned about your MH and how this affects DD.

Your DD wants to go and it’s unfair that your anxiety is holding her back.

You’re going to pass your anxiety on to her and it could literally ruin her life.

How far away is the trip and do you drive?

A good compromise would be for her to go but for you to collect her if she wants to come home early.

@YouOKHun She has a pain condition the weighted blanket helps manage, she takes her own pillow everywhere, she even takes it to ExHs. ExH will happily provide a pillow but she takes hers from home. I've never told her she has to.

She picking up on your anxiety. She doesn't want to go because you are having your own meltdown about it.

That's massively unfair on your daughter and you are setting her up for masses of future issues because of your own projections.

As a parent it’s best to follow your gut. Gut instinct is right 90% of the time. Your gut was uncomfortable with sending DD on the trip and that’s perfectly reasonable. At some point you’ll be able to identify why you feel this way, it might take a little unpicking and it might be nothing to do with illness or accidents.

DHT should not be pressurising parents to send their children on trips. The school should simply accept and respect parental choice. Parents have the best knowledge of their kids after all

on first reading initial thoughts was that school don’t get to dictate - however the more you write the more it appears this is your anxiety .

I didn’t get to go on a trip at that age . It was a week in Scarborough .. I still wish I got to go and be like the other kids .. I am in my 50’s .

You say she wants to go - worried about nights this is where you should be reassuring her.. Telling her it’s fine on cub camps at dads .

Anxiety sucks don’t let your anxiety affect your child .

There's no nice way to say this. You sound completely irrational.

This is about your anxiety.

It's supposed to be about your DC.

You need to sort your anxiety and let your DC go if they want to go. It's not fair to your DC otherwise.

Opposite way round with me, DD didn't want to go, I wanted her to go. I had a really long chat with her about what was worrying her, and in the main it was not being able to take her teddy as the other girls would tease her, and not liking anything to eat. So, like you, I had a meeting with the school with DD there and eventually she agreed to go.

DD and I then had a chat together, devised a plan for snacks (which included putting enough in for everyone in her dorm). And to hide her teddy in the case so he was still there, just not in her bed. I also agreed with her (and the school) that she could come home at any point, they just needed to ring me, and I'd get in my car and collect her.

In the end, I never heard a thing. And it was the making of her. All the girls in the dorm loved the snacks, they ALL had a teddy and she honestly came back a different kid - confident, less anxious, more relaxed and most importantly, she found the courage to make new friends which has proved essential for high school.

Please let her go OP. If school can make the adjustments you've asked, I think your daughter may regret not going. I know it's hard to let go, trust me I was a nervous wreck simply because I knew my daughter was anxious...but it all turned out ok.

"I have a bad feeling."

Well, bad feelings are your brain making up nonsense, this isn't "Final Destination", it's a school trip that is a fantastic opportunity.

School trips were one of the highlights of primary school for me, we went on an activity holiday in year 5 and a few days sight seeing on the Isle of Wight for Year 6. As far as I remember all the kids went, even though who couldn't afford it (the school helped out) and it was a fantastic whole class bonding experience.

I was a nervous and anxious child but I had a fantastic time there, I felt so grown up being away without my parents, going to a place with my school friends. Did we all sleep properly? probably not, did we all eat the right food? probably not, was someone sick on the bus from eating all their secret sweets 30 minutes into the journey, almost certainly! Would I have been devastated to be left behind because my mum was being weird about "a bad feeling", absolutely, I'd have been upset and mortified that I couldn't join in, and I imagine kids would have gone on about the trip for weeks before and after it, and I'd have felt rotten through all of that because I had been excluded through no fault of my own.

My own son should have gone on a residential at the end of year 6 and again at the start of year 7 and both trips were cancelled due to covid, and I was very upset that what I considered to be a big, fun experience/opportunity at that age had been taken away from him (yes I know it's minor compared to the whole pandemic thing) but I really feel he missed out by not being able to take these trips. A chance for a first taste of independence and responsibility without mum being there.

and as for extra teddies, it's not just the weighted blanket that sounds smothering.

It's really odd for the DHT to try and pressure you to send your DD on a residential trip. I can't imagine any scenario whereby myself or any of my colleagues would actually get in argument with a parent about this, and make them cry. Having an argument with a parent is just unprofessional full stop, teachers are usually very neutral. Is that why you have a bad feeling? I would have my misgivings about the DHT too if that really is what happened. It could just be your anxiety making everything seem worse than it is, but if that genuinely is what happened, it's concerning.

Apart from skiing mine went on every trip from the age of four.
But you have a feeling. OK
Don't let her go then.

Going against the grain here but I think if you feel strongly about it then go with your gut instinct. Some people do have signs or feelings which tell them to avoid a certain thing and it proves that it was in their best interests. Only thing is you need to be sure of yourself and not ask others' opinions otherwise of course they wouldn't understand and would make the decision based on logic only. I don't personally think a 3 day school trip is as exciting as as many people think on here. Its full of following rules and head counts etc, i doubt it will be as beneficial as what people think plus if money is tight maybe it is better to save it.

Best of luck.

Is it possible for someone to drive your dd to the venue every morning and pick her up later in the day so that she can at least do the activities with the rest of her class even if she doesn't stay over?

As an ex teacher I know how carefully planned trips are, and how on the ball the teachers are about checking where the kids are at all times, whether they're safe etc. As a parent, I still found it hard letting my dd go on her first residential trip as I worried about all the things that could go wrong. So I get your concerns even if they are irrational.

The teacher is ultimately not going to bothered if your dd doesn't go on the trip, and certainly wouldn't treat her differently because of it. It sounds like you voiced concerns, she tried to accommodate your concerns so that you would let your dd go on the trip, but you felt pressured rather than reassured, and things got heated. If you really don't want her to go on the trip then that is your decision as her parent but I do feel sad for your dd- kids get so much out of residential trips and I've witnessed firsthand how beneficial these trips are for children.

Under normal circumstances I’d always say trust your instincts but if you have an anxiety disorder your instincts will be out of kilter. You need to try and work really hard to disentangle what is a rational response and what isn’t. You have a ‘bad feeling’ about a trip that has run successfully for over a decade. For the sake of your daughter you owe it to her to think about what it is that is worrying you and whether that feeling really is enough to stop her from doing something that will likely benefit her massively.

firstly I don’t think it was professional of the teacher to argue with you. If you said you didn’t feel she should go the correct and only response is really “ok then ms wolfiefan. It’s your prerogative.

secondly, going against the grain here, but if you don’t feel happy about her going yet you’re usually fine then I’d listen to your gut - maybe it’s the fact her teachers argue with parents that makes you not trust them… (?!)

Agree with this but also as pp mentioned dd may say she dies not want to go to please op.

Op is dd your only child? Could your anxiety be getting the better of your judgement. Even if you decline this trip it will transfer onto something else. Why is Cubs really any different? On a practical level do you trust the staff to remind dd about the medication? There will be someone designated to manage all medical needs and medications. Noone is deliberately going to put her at risk. Perhaps that is what the DHT hoped to explain. Don't feel you cannot change your mind, reflect upon it logically and unemotionally over the weekend.

Parents have the best knowledge of their kids after all

Except sometimes they don't know what's best for them. I've not always got it right as a parent. And sometimes an onlooker can see things much more objectively.

As a teacher I've had parents thank me for encouraging them and/or their children over hurdles that had originally bothered them. In one case my confident yet gentle persuasion resulted in something that was transformational and (as far as I know, permanent) for both the child and the rest of the family. Years later, when I retired, that parent wrote about it in a card and said how grateful they still were for that.

You need to get a grip of your anxiety otherwise it will transfer to your daughter.

I went on hen do about month ago, 3 days 2 nights away , first time leaving 1 year old I have left 4 year old before. The morning we were leaving I was getting sorted and just felt horrendous. So incredibly anxious just felt completely out of my body it was horrible. Left a very teary voice note on one of our groups I then got some reassurance back from the girls and just got my things together said bye to the boys and went. I had a fabulous time and the boys were absolutely fine. I know we are taught to listen to our gut feelings it’s just so difficult when you suffer with anxiety to decipher between the two. I feel for you x x

Retired teacher here - you know, one accustomed to mentally detaching the child from the parent. I might regard your stance as odd but I’d continue to treat your DD as normal. Interactions with parents do not affect teachers’ attitudes to children.
Ultimately the decision to send your DD on the school trip is yours: the DHT cannot pursue this. She knows she must respect your wishes.
It appears that in her excitement about the trip she determined to address any parental concern and frustrated because you can’t cite one. At the same time you feel uneasy and possibly frustrated that she won’t accept it and desist. Neither of you can put your finger on the issue and reach a resolution.
Your daughter will not pay for this. Relax, OP. Such issues as this are minor, swiftly passed in the whirlwind of school life.
On Monday greet the chatty DHT with a smile and proceed as if nothing’s happened. Like you she’ll have had three days to think about it and move on.

I would put money on the fact that any 'pressure' to make your DD go, is down to deep concern that your aren't acting in her best interests and the school are well aware that your anxiety is damaging to your child and they are trying to do the best for her. If you can't articulate a good reason why you don't want her to go and are spouting crap about 'just having a feeling' they will have red flags about you.

Highly unlikely that parents would go on a residential trip.