I’ve made the biggest mistake today with School and my DD will pay for it

[Year5For3days]

DD is 9, Year 5.

Going on residential trip for 3 days at the end of November with School.

Had a meeting about it today to discuss some minor adjustments we’re talking small things like sleeping arrangements and giving of medication we’re not talking huge issues or things that can’t be overcome which makes me feel even worse. I’ve had a bad feeling about it since it was announced. I don’t know why; DD goes away with her dad (my ex-husband) and Scouts (Cubs) all the time and I never feel weird or strange about it. Scouts have never had a meeting with me about it I think that was why, but I know they’re different to school.

I told the Deputy Head running the trip how I felt and it descended into an argument between me and her. I didn’t mean for it to happen and I know she feels strongly about it, she’s run the trip every year since she started working at the school in 2013 (which is the year before DD was born ironically) and nothing has ever gone wrong, ever apparently. They’ve had 1 minor injury in all those years - a bumped head on the last day and the child still got on the bus and came back to school with them, and 1 bout of sickness where 2 kids were sent home, otherwise it’s always ran without a hitch.

But I have a really bad feeling about it, and I can’t describe it. It’s not about the money, I’d happily pay for DD to stay at school or keep her home for the 3 days. I couldn’t describe it and that’s why it turned into an argument I think, I’m keeping my stance that DD is not going, and the DHT wants her to go. Things got a bit heated; no-one swore or threw insults around but I did end up crying. And the DHT did say several times “I don’t get what the issue, I can’t see any reason (DDs name) can’t join us” and another teacher heard the discussion and came in to try to mediate unsuccessfully. Meeting ended with no resolution as it was end of the day and I had to join the queue to get DD and DHT had to be with her class.

I’m now worried that DD is going to be seen as strange or odd. DHT is DDs Maths teacher (but not class teacher) so I didn’t want to make things worse.

I don’t think anything can reassure me that it will be ok. I don’t know why I feel like this. DD went away with Cubs in the summer and that was wild camping for a week 3 hours’ drive away, not anything like the school trip which is staying in a hostel less than an hour’s drive from home still within the same county we live in and I had absolutely no qualms sending her with Cubs in fact I cheered after I’d dropped her. She was fine, worst thing that happened was she got stung by a nettle but she coped. And I don’t think that’s what I’m worried about.

How bad are things going to be for DD next week? Or will they be trying to get her to persuade me to send her? As I said I’m not concerned about the money.

This is the best outcome for you, your child and the DHT.
In years to come you’ll look back on this and file it under temporary “unease at the unknown”. It’s an enriching step on your child’s path in life facilitated by you trusting others and standing back.
You’ve acted wisely, OP.

That’s brilliant, @Year5For3days . You’re doing the right thing for you and your dd, and the DHT sounds lovely. x

Proud of you for working with DHT to overcome your anxieties! I'm sure DD will have a great time!

That’s a great outcome. Well done for overcoming your fears. This will be such a great experience for both of you.

I do get this. There is something different to going with brownies/scouts where you know that they will be mostly camping and it's optional. As most of us never went on primary school trips away, it does seem like a bigger thing. I was pretty surprised to find out that they went away so early. It also felt like one of those things that I had little control over, like sex education etc which also seems to start too early imo. I felt that withholding my children wasn't an option as I didn't want them to miss out, but felt that the trip was foisted upon us. There seems to be a lot of focus on kids growing up quickly/preparing them for the real world, but I just wanted mine to have the childhood that I did.
School is more authoritarian than brownies was, so I was more afraid of getting into trouble at school. We all knew each other very well too, which actually increased the chance of cliques and fallings out which we didn't have with brownies. So I do understand. And I get the foreboding part. However, that part is irrational and is just connected to your overall discomfort of the fear of the unknown re this trip.

@Theokaycokey I think thats it, the cliques.

There's 3 classes per year and they were split up this year for the first time ever and there is a massive clique. It's mainly the parents who all hang out together, but involves one of the teachers and her DC who're in this year group.

And DD has had trouble in the past with that clique, she wanted to be part of it, but the parents didn't like me so their DC weren't allowed to be friends with DD, and it did turn into bullying for a bit in Year 3. It's settled down a lot now they're all in different classes, but I am terrified she'll be excluded by them on the trip.

Also I didn't go on a residential until Year 7 or Year 8 (so aged 12/13ish) so 8 and 9 still feels tiny. Scouts is completely optional, in fact all extra events like parades are optional so I didn't get the same sense of loss of control.

Well done @Year5For3days . What a great Mum, working through that. People who can say sorry and work through their stuff are the best people. ❤️

Update

DD didn't stay.

She fell over and flared up her condition during the first evening, DHT tried to get her to calm down but she was so distressed, they called me to pick her up at 10pm which I of course obliged.

She spent the next day with her teacher (they don't send both teachers from a year group on residentials) in the Year 3 class she was covering as the Y3 teacher was on the trip.

She then went for the last day in the day only, she was offered the chance to stay over but I think the fall knocked her confidence and she was against it. So I dropped her at 8am every morning, she had a 2nd breakfast with her class and year mates, did the activities, had lunch and I picked her up at 4pm for that last day.

I don't think I had any kind of foresight for it, because the fall could of happened at any time with anyone it was just coincidence. I am however glad we didn't push her to stay overnight and we've learnt a lesson on what not to do.

Thank you for the update, OP!

I'm sorry that your DD fell over and had a flare up.

Good that she could participate during the days anyway, participate in the activities and spend time with her class.
It sounds like you all made the best you could of the situation.

That's a shame she fell but at least she managed to spend time there. I hope she enjoyed it.

What a shame. I think you've caused her nervousness and that is why this has happened.

Well done for overcoming your anxiety enough to let her go. It's not easy. I'm sure she benefited even though she eventually didn't stay overnight.

Nearly every adult my age I know went on a year 6 residential trip so it seems the norm to me. It’s a great boost before secondary school. My child is in year 5 and they haven’t done proper sex Ed yet think it’s later this year so similar as to when I was a child.

Oh bless her! I’m sorry your dd had a flare up. It is really unfortunate when this happens on school trips. I was a wreck the week my 15 yo dd (with nasty medical condition) went to the US. But we both needed this. It sounds as if between the school, your dd and you, you all managed this really well. My dd also had incidents of feeling unwell but luckily no full-blown seizures.

@MissBuffyAnneSummers Actually I didn't.

She could have fallen over any time in the run up and had a flare up and been unable to go, whether with me, ExH, Brownies or even had school. I don't think I caused this or foresore that it would happen.

It's one of those things, it's not a failure on anyones part and we made the best of it. We now know what not to do for future residentials, and I of course will be letting DD go in Year 6 if she wants to go and when her secondary do one in Year 8.

What an unpleasant thing to say.

Sorry but I do think the OP’s obvious fear about letting her daughter stay away will have contributed to the distress of this poor child after the fall.

I agree

I have had anxiety all my life .It has sucked the joy out of my own life and made it harder than it ever needed to be .Passed down to me by my father.
Do you really want to pass this anxiety down to your child to have her life blighted too ? Please let her go and try not to let her know you are anxious. Being away from home and having fun with her friends will give her so much confidence and resilience and hopefully reassure you to . Unless there are actual facts that are making you feel this way ? I recommend CBT

Things can be both unpleasant and still true.