I’ve made the biggest mistake today with School and my DD will pay for it

[Year5For3days]

DD is 9, Year 5.

Going on residential trip for 3 days at the end of November with School.

Had a meeting about it today to discuss some minor adjustments we’re talking small things like sleeping arrangements and giving of medication we’re not talking huge issues or things that can’t be overcome which makes me feel even worse. I’ve had a bad feeling about it since it was announced. I don’t know why; DD goes away with her dad (my ex-husband) and Scouts (Cubs) all the time and I never feel weird or strange about it. Scouts have never had a meeting with me about it I think that was why, but I know they’re different to school.

I told the Deputy Head running the trip how I felt and it descended into an argument between me and her. I didn’t mean for it to happen and I know she feels strongly about it, she’s run the trip every year since she started working at the school in 2013 (which is the year before DD was born ironically) and nothing has ever gone wrong, ever apparently. They’ve had 1 minor injury in all those years - a bumped head on the last day and the child still got on the bus and came back to school with them, and 1 bout of sickness where 2 kids were sent home, otherwise it’s always ran without a hitch.

But I have a really bad feeling about it, and I can’t describe it. It’s not about the money, I’d happily pay for DD to stay at school or keep her home for the 3 days. I couldn’t describe it and that’s why it turned into an argument I think, I’m keeping my stance that DD is not going, and the DHT wants her to go. Things got a bit heated; no-one swore or threw insults around but I did end up crying. And the DHT did say several times “I don’t get what the issue, I can’t see any reason (DDs name) can’t join us” and another teacher heard the discussion and came in to try to mediate unsuccessfully. Meeting ended with no resolution as it was end of the day and I had to join the queue to get DD and DHT had to be with her class.

I’m now worried that DD is going to be seen as strange or odd. DHT is DDs Maths teacher (but not class teacher) so I didn’t want to make things worse.

I don’t think anything can reassure me that it will be ok. I don’t know why I feel like this. DD went away with Cubs in the summer and that was wild camping for a week 3 hours’ drive away, not anything like the school trip which is staying in a hostel less than an hour’s drive from home still within the same county we live in and I had absolutely no qualms sending her with Cubs in fact I cheered after I’d dropped her. She was fine, worst thing that happened was she got stung by a nettle but she coped. And I don’t think that’s what I’m worried about.

How bad are things going to be for DD next week? Or will they be trying to get her to persuade me to send her? As I said I’m not concerned about the money.

DD wants to go, but isn't sure about sleeping over, which is unusual for her as she's always up for it with Cubs and ExH!

I can't put my finger on it, but it feels wrong to send her. I can't describe it and I do think thats why it descended into an argument because there's nothing I can say that they can go "This is what we'll do to make it ok"

The only reason it feels wrong is because of your own anxiety. Nothing else. You can't let your anxiety control your DD's life.

The problem is OP - this isn't about you and your "sixth sense". This is about your daughter and her opportunities to have fun with her friends and not feel excluded.

I think you're being a tad selfish here. Do you have any mental health issues that may really be what's at play here?

Sometimes we need to have a stern word with ourselves and I feel this is your time to relax, calm down and allow your child to engage with this residential. You have no good reason not to.

I have a dd the same age and if I said she couldn’t go on the school residential she would never ever forgive me. I think you have bigger problems than what the school think of you. Your kid being left behind while all her friends go away without her. Fun that they are going to be talking about and leaving her out of for probably the next year. Are you ok with that?

I would be more worried about your DD picking up on your anxiety and becoming anxious herself, because of it. Perhaps that's what the teacher was thinking about.

That being said, she's your child and you have to make decisions in her best interests. You need to really soul search and decide whether your bad feeling is worth listening to or not.

Is there a particular reason your child needs special considerations for sleeping? You mention medication- are you concerned because she has an illness or disability?

@Year5For3days im sorry but you are being massively unreasonable. I also have diagnosed anxiety but I try very hard to ensure it doesn’t impact on my children’s lives. The reality is that you don’t have any factual reason why your DD shouldn’t attend except your apprehensions. This is really unfair. Your DD deserves to enjoy her time at school without your illness holding her back. Sorry, but you need to let her go.

You’re being completely irrational, I’m not surprised the teacher was infuriated with you. Stop damaging your dd’s experiences by catastrophsing, maybe get some therapy, or complete some psycho-education around the anxiety triangle.

You have the right to not give permission but I suspect that the DHT was completely exasperated at the fact you have no good reason to deny your child this experience. Your “bad feeling” or anxiety isn’t a good enough reason. Sorry.

Not fair on your DD for your anxiety to stop her going on the trip.

Is there something particular about the trip that you are anxious about?

@WeekWeekWeek She has some minor health issues, school know about them but they're so minor day to day they don't affect her, she has things she has to do at home (take medication etc) but otherwise she's well managed.

She has a weighted blanket to help manage the condition but thats one of the very minor things she needs. And is why it was no problem.

Do you often get a strong sense of foreboding about certain events, or is this the first time it’s happened?

I can understand a bad feeling - the easiest thing for either of you in that situation would have been an agreement that you will have to think about it and get back to school.

I'm not a loneparent but sometimes my DH has to give me a wobble and get me back on track. It must be difficult making these decisions without any support. Have you got someone IRL you can have a chat with - a school mum perhaps? Also have a chat with DD - if she really wants to go perhaps the thought of denying her might help you become more comfortable with the idea?

Try and dig a bit deeper with the reason. Is it because the DHT was undermining your parenting, or thinking she has rights over your child that really irked you? It's awful when children are more and more influenced by others as they get older. And it does get worse.

@watcherintherye Second time i can remember, and the first time I was proved right.

I am sorry the school pushed you into an argument about this. It's not their decision to make or to force on you. Follow your instincts.

@Year5For3days @mamma65432 I too have diagnosed anxiety disorders and I get these kinds of feelings a lot. Sometimes it helps to remind myself I'm just catastrophising if that makes sense? Most of the things I worry about don't happen?

Do you acknowledge that this is your anxiety negatively impacting your daughter’s life? Do you want to address that and try to get to a place when you can manage that anxiety and allow your daughter to experience life, or are you just going to stick to ‘I have a bad feeling’?

It sounds like school are happy to make any adjustments, dd wants to go, and I'm still not clear as to the reason you don't want her to go? Can you more clearly explain what it is you are worried about?

This is so bizarre, it seems unbelievable that a teacher would be so concerned about a trip that they would argue with you about it. It shouldn't even be a discussion either you give consent or you don't and that's the end of it. It feels like you're making this all into a very big drama.

Have a word with yourself. You need to apologise to the Deputy Head first for arguing with them 🤦🏼‍♀️
If your dd isn’t sure about going, don’t send her, teachers don’t have time for this fannying about,

If it’s prescribed medication they have to
administer it under the equality act. If it’s not prescribed there may be more of an issue depending on what it is and why she can’t sort it out herself. Something like rescue remedy spray she can do herself, some melatonin that you’ve bought abroad they will rightly question. You
really shouldn’t let anxiety stop your child from experiencing normal life.

@declutteringmymind I have friends I've chatted to and school mums. Some agree she shouldn't go others think she should and she'll be fine.

I do actually usually like the DHT, she's a really lovely woman and has a really great connection with the majority of pupils. She will talk and talk and talk for hours, is always up for a chat with anyone.

I agree.
The school won't think any less of your child at all. They will probably be a bit concerned that your anxieties are affecting her though.
It's a shame that your worries are preventing her from attending a trip that she wants to take part in.

You are stopping your child have an important life experience.

You must see your GP about your own treatment

You are depriving your dd of an opportunity to go on this trip because you have an unspecified 'bad feeling'? That is unreasonable.

Why do you say in your thread title that you've made a big mistake? Do you believe you were right or wrong in wanting her not to go? Either way, you should not have gpt into a row with the school. All they are trying to do is give your dd a chance to do what the other kids get to do, because they (quite rightly, it seems) can see no reason why she shouldn't be able to.