I’ve made the biggest mistake today with School and my DD will pay for it

[Year5For3days]

DD is 9, Year 5.

Going on residential trip for 3 days at the end of November with School.

Had a meeting about it today to discuss some minor adjustments we’re talking small things like sleeping arrangements and giving of medication we’re not talking huge issues or things that can’t be overcome which makes me feel even worse. I’ve had a bad feeling about it since it was announced. I don’t know why; DD goes away with her dad (my ex-husband) and Scouts (Cubs) all the time and I never feel weird or strange about it. Scouts have never had a meeting with me about it I think that was why, but I know they’re different to school.

I told the Deputy Head running the trip how I felt and it descended into an argument between me and her. I didn’t mean for it to happen and I know she feels strongly about it, she’s run the trip every year since she started working at the school in 2013 (which is the year before DD was born ironically) and nothing has ever gone wrong, ever apparently. They’ve had 1 minor injury in all those years - a bumped head on the last day and the child still got on the bus and came back to school with them, and 1 bout of sickness where 2 kids were sent home, otherwise it’s always ran without a hitch.

But I have a really bad feeling about it, and I can’t describe it. It’s not about the money, I’d happily pay for DD to stay at school or keep her home for the 3 days. I couldn’t describe it and that’s why it turned into an argument I think, I’m keeping my stance that DD is not going, and the DHT wants her to go. Things got a bit heated; no-one swore or threw insults around but I did end up crying. And the DHT did say several times “I don’t get what the issue, I can’t see any reason (DDs name) can’t join us” and another teacher heard the discussion and came in to try to mediate unsuccessfully. Meeting ended with no resolution as it was end of the day and I had to join the queue to get DD and DHT had to be with her class.

I’m now worried that DD is going to be seen as strange or odd. DHT is DDs Maths teacher (but not class teacher) so I didn’t want to make things worse.

I don’t think anything can reassure me that it will be ok. I don’t know why I feel like this. DD went away with Cubs in the summer and that was wild camping for a week 3 hours’ drive away, not anything like the school trip which is staying in a hostel less than an hour’s drive from home still within the same county we live in and I had absolutely no qualms sending her with Cubs in fact I cheered after I’d dropped her. She was fine, worst thing that happened was she got stung by a nettle but she coped. And I don’t think that’s what I’m worried about.

How bad are things going to be for DD next week? Or will they be trying to get her to persuade me to send her? As I said I’m not concerned about the money.

I never went to the school away trip, or the brownies trips, or anywhere without mum because she didn't want me to go.

Thing is I said I didn't want to go but that was because I knew she didn't want me to go and I didn't want to upset her.

In time I got utterly sick of her and the doom and gloom restrictions she placed on life she made me frightened to go anywhere or do anything. She made me afraid of the world.

Most recent example is I made the mistake of telling her I was going hiking for a week on a guided tour in a very safe European country. Got the comments...oh no, not on your own, why there.

It's so boring. Just let her go. Your daughter will be fine at school as they'll all feel sorry and be nice to her.

I doubt this. You've probably had similar feelings of anxiety quite often, and mostly they are not borne out. When one was, in your head it turned into a foreboding and a portent. None of that means that your current feeling is any sort of prediction of what will happen - unless, of course, you're thinking of how refusing to let your child go will mess up your relationship with her.

Genuinely baffled why everyone is giving OP such a hard time. Her DD is 9 not 15 - it's hardly the end of the world if she doesn't go on one residential trip. And it isn't just OP being unsure (and even if it was, that's legitimate too, she's the parent!) She's said that her daughter herself isn't sure about wanting to sleep over. If my kid expressed any hesitation I would think twice too.

I'm also amazed that so many people think that it's okay for teachers and the school to put pressure on parents to grant permission for a non compulsory extra curricular. I'd be livid if the school consistently refused to accept my decision.

Do you think you’re psychic and this is final destination or something?

Poor kid. You’ve made a fool of yourself to the teachers, your kid is going to miss out and it’s all for no reason.

Saying this sort of stuff really isn't helping OP if her anxiety is getting in the way of her ability to deal with this rationally.

I think go with your gut feeling on this . You can't connect what or why you don't think she should go, but you feel strongly about it . And that's mothers intuition I think . It's really not the end of the world. She's 9 and you are protecting her and that's all she needs to know .

I, as a teacher, have absolutely spent time with an individual parent to encourage them to let their child go on a residential.

I taught children in a special school. I understood what a big thing it was for some parents to entrust us with their complex children over several nights. But I also knew how positive it was for the kids. Understandably we had some one or two parents who found it harder than others. So both for their kids and for them, I spent time encouraging rather than just accepting a no.

I doubt that this is the first time that OP's anxiety had impacted her dd. And if that's the case, absolutely a caring teacher will try to encourage the parent that it's okay and that they can trust the staff to keep her safe.

I am going to disagree with the majority and say that maybe you're instinct is telling you something you should listen to.

But probably not for the reasons you think.

You say that your DD wants to go but is unsure about staying overnight, despite having been on many adventures before, and you both being happy with that. Sounds like DD is having some sort of issue with this and you are picking up on it and thats where your "something is wrong but I dont know what" feeling is coming from.

I would use this weekend to talk to DD about why she is so unsure about staying over, about the fact that its either stay over or not go, and what her preference is based on that. Then you decide together.

Is she happy at school? Is she perhaps becoming self conscious of her medical issues and doesnt want to be seen as "different" because of her added needs on the trip? Is there a "who is sharing a dorm with who" thing going on (never underestimate the importance of that aged 10!).....get to the bottom of it and then you will be able to figure out the best way forward for DD.

Go with your gut feeling...
One of the lads didn't go on the year 6 class trip when I was at primary school, no-one batted an eye lid.....

I'm going to go against what other people think and say if you don't usually massively catastrophise things - and you have let her go away without issue as you say you have previously - I would say trust your gut and don't send her. If you think there is a chance it is your anxiety then you need to let her go.
I can understand the head wanting to assure you of the safety but for her to insist she goes isn't really her place. It not as if she needs to go for the trip to go ahead. You need to find a way to explain to your daughter which does not make her anxious about this or other trips.

What is the worse case scenario in each case? She doesn't go and is upset but you arrange something nice for her but she misses out on the trip her friends go on. She goes on other trips so it is not as if she doesn't have these fun opportunities.
You let her go and something DOES happen and you never forgive yourself because you knew you had a bad feeling? I have let my child go on trips but if I ever had a one off unexpected bad feeling about one - I wouldn't have sent them.

No, it's not mother's intuition, it's anxiety, pure and simple.

It is not mother’s intuition (made up bs), it is an anxiety disorder getting out of control because it isn’t being managed. Parent’s with anxiety disorders should not curtail their children’s opportunities, when they start doing that, they need to seek help rather than the nonsense “you know best” attitude. She clearly doesn’t know best.

So you want her to miss out because you are anxious? That’s not fair. You need to focus on ways for you to manage your anxiety without impacting on her.

I think this is where your problem lies and you possibly need help to overcome it.

When you get a sense of foreboding, it is really difficult to override it but you do need to try before it starts to rule your life and that of your daughter. You do need to try to articulate what is worrying you though. I suspect deep down you do know what it is that concerns you but you're just struggling to put it into words because you're worried about sounding silly.

If you do choose not send her (and I hope she does get to go) it really isn't going to affect her in the future in terms of relationships with teachers. I'm sure they already recognise that the problem lies with you and not her.

You are wrong. OP is quite happy for her daughter to go on other trips. OP and her daughter is unsure about this one.

You risk passing up rational fears onto your child, that will affect them for life.

Do you also have OCD? One of my (now adult) kids has this in addition to anxiety and many other things, but it’s the OCD they causes the intrusive irrational thoughts like you are having presently. It’s hard as they are intrusive and get wedged in your mind, which, while sad, is sort of okay if it just affects yourself, but not okay when it starts to affect others. If this occurs they go seek help, as we can’t live like that (like their siblings, they live with us to save large deposit so they can purchase with affordable repayments, but this is a condition for them, otherwise they are out).

Be a class volunteer and go on the trip.

• was meant to be - risk passing ‘irrational fears’.

This is a big thing for your child to miss out on due to a feeling you can't put your finger on. Are you sure you're not going to regret this?

I'm pretty sure school residentials don't work like that. I bloody hope not anyway.

You don't want her to go because you sense there is something amiss with the dht. Trust your gut

It sounds like your “badly feeling” is your intolerance of uncertainty - are you a worrier generally? The comment about a special pillow and a weighted blanket sound like your safety behaviours rather than your DD’s? Though she may be learning that she needs props because the world is a dangerous place. The teacher doesn’t get it because she doesn’t have a window on your thoughts and emotion. Regardless of whether your DD goes on the trip or not you should get some support for your anxiety because as your DD gets older there will be bigger challenges than this trip. You should let her go because next time it will be even harder if you’ve avoided it this time.

Listen to your instincts. My Mum had a similar panic feeling with my sister spending the night at a friend's house. She ignored it and something rather nasty happened to my sis. Always trust that inner voice.

For everyone doubling down on picking on OP's anxiety - she's said multiple times that she's fine with DD going on other trips. There's something about this particular trip/time/situation that isn't sitting right and it's entirely her prerogative to say no. The school being disrespectful of the parent's choice isn't at all reassuring either.

Ok so I completely understand that your child may resent you for not letting her go on the trip. I certainly resented mine. However as an adult now, considering the state of the world, I don't think I'm ever going to send my children on a residential trip.