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Original poster

Have you ever suffered from limerence?

268 replies

Mummysgogetter · 26/10/2023 20:12

Hey everyone,
there’s this buzzword that I keep seeing everywhere at the minute “limerence”. I found out about it when my best friend mentioned she thought she was suffering from it for her married piano teacher. I have looked it up and to me it sounds like a crush really.

I have had crushes on people that don’t go anywhere and get disappointed, then move on. My friend thinks what she has is more than a crush because she can’t move on because seeing him gives her a glimmer of hope (he low key flirts). So it got me thinking, how common is this limerence thing?? Have you ever suffered or is it just “experts” pathologising an intense crush?

OP posts:
lovelymango · 27/10/2023 09:45

I think this has happened to me. I suffer with anxiety and I think a form of ocd. Guy I met on work do chatted me up whilst I was very drunk and for some stupid reason I gave him my number. Nothing ever happened but a lot of texting and sex talk. It's stopped now but I realise the way I was was not healthy and it was just creating a distraction from my anxiety. Now he's off the scene I'm getting lots of anxiety and other intrusive thoughts. But I'm determined I'm not going back there

Original poster
Mummysgogetter · 27/10/2023 09:46

lovelymango · 27/10/2023 09:45

I think this has happened to me. I suffer with anxiety and I think a form of ocd. Guy I met on work do chatted me up whilst I was very drunk and for some stupid reason I gave him my number. Nothing ever happened but a lot of texting and sex talk. It's stopped now but I realise the way I was was not healthy and it was just creating a distraction from my anxiety. Now he's off the scene I'm getting lots of anxiety and other intrusive thoughts. But I'm determined I'm not going back there

Yes that makes sense. My friend suffers from depression and anxiety, and when this situation wasn't in her head she was worrying about other things. I think it started as a pleasant distraction but has now become a painful longing.

OP posts:
WeighDownOnMeStayTillMorning · 27/10/2023 09:50

Yeah. It was fucking awful.

Couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, felt ragged and desperate and empty all the time.

It's fading now and I'm in the stage of holding on to it because once it's gone it's just back to the same old same old daily shit with nothing much to get excited about or look forward to.

Would love it to never happen to me again though. Genuinely the worst year of my life.

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Loopytiles · 27/10/2023 09:56

She doesn’t ‘have to’ see this person at all. If there are really no other OK piano tutors near then she should have less frequent lessons and travel or take a break.

Original poster
Mummysgogetter · 27/10/2023 09:57

WeighDownOnMeStayTillMorning · 27/10/2023 09:50

Yeah. It was fucking awful.

Couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, felt ragged and desperate and empty all the time.

It's fading now and I'm in the stage of holding on to it because once it's gone it's just back to the same old same old daily shit with nothing much to get excited about or look forward to.

Would love it to never happen to me again though. Genuinely the worst year of my life.

@WeighDownOnMeStayTillMorning Can I ask, what happened in your case? Was this someone you saw regularly? Did you think it was reciprocated?

OP posts:
WeighDownOnMeStayTillMorning · 27/10/2023 09:59

We worked together. It was definitely reciprocated which got very very tricky, and we had conversations and treated each other in ways we shouldn't have.

It wrecked me. We don't see each other much now, keep in touch a little, but I genuinely think he will just live in my head forever now. He's always always there.

lovelymango · 27/10/2023 10:05

@Mummysgogetter how did she deal with it? I thought I was doing really well with my anxiety and came off my meds but it turns out I was using texting him as a kind of therapy. We're both married so it can never happen and when I look back he was an arrogant nasty narcissist so I'm never going back there but now the crippling anxiety and depression has returned. I think I might need therapy

Original poster
Mummysgogetter · 27/10/2023 10:15

lovelymango · 27/10/2023 10:05

@Mummysgogetter how did she deal with it? I thought I was doing really well with my anxiety and came off my meds but it turns out I was using texting him as a kind of therapy. We're both married so it can never happen and when I look back he was an arrogant nasty narcissist so I'm never going back there but now the crippling anxiety and depression has returned. I think I might need therapy

Hi Lovelymango,
Well, I think that's the point - this is her way of dealing with it - escape to the fantasy of the Piano teacher. She has been on SSRIs in the past, but they always end up needing to be increased and she doesn't believe in keep upping and upping dosage to feel normal. She is seeing a Counsellor though.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummysgogetter · 27/10/2023 10:16

WeighDownOnMeStayTillMorning · 27/10/2023 09:59

We worked together. It was definitely reciprocated which got very very tricky, and we had conversations and treated each other in ways we shouldn't have.

It wrecked me. We don't see each other much now, keep in touch a little, but I genuinely think he will just live in my head forever now. He's always always there.

Ooh that's a lot different to my friend as nothing has been said. Did he admit to liking you as well then?

OP posts:
WeighDownOnMeStayTillMorning · 27/10/2023 10:16

Mine was definitely an escape - had a lot of awful shit going on in other areas of life and he was a very beautiful distraction.

Knowing it doesn't make it stop though, unfortunately.

WeighDownOnMeStayTillMorning · 27/10/2023 10:17

Yeah @Mummysgogetter he did one night when we were out, and almost kissed me but stopped.

We had every conversation under the sun, saying everything but the actual words. He did say I love you a few times but tried to pass it off as just a friendly thing.

Affairnot · 27/10/2023 10:20

I made this name a year ago when I was suffering from it for my boss. It faded completely.
Then a fortnight ago someone made a pass at me and it’s like I’ve been hit by a bus. Completely. Obsessed.
It’s not unenjoyable. Distracting. Very arousing Blush
I’m enjoying it for what it is- affirming that I’m alive and it feels quite safe as a lot would have to happen for anything to happen iyswim. We don’t work together or live near each other, probably see each other in company a couple of times a year.

WeighDownOnMeStayTillMorning · 27/10/2023 10:20

Argh shouldn't have come on this thread.

Sigh.

ABeautifulThing · 27/10/2023 10:29

The uncertainty with little occasional unpredictable positives keep everything stoked up. At first it is like you are super alive. Suddenly you have purpose and blood in your veins, energy etc etc .. but the inability to switch it off turns it into a double edged sword, you're at it's mercy, can't stop thinking about the person and everything you do revolves around whether it will make you get a crumb of attention (bet she practices her scales etc a lot 😁).
But the lows are so so low. When the attention doesn't come it's like the sun leaves the sky and everything is pointless, all other people almost become irrelevant even someone you really love.
You feel alive but you are like a leaf on a rushing river.
Competing relate to what @WeighDownOnMeStayTillMorning is saying.

WeighDownOnMeStayTillMorning · 27/10/2023 10:30

@ABeautifulThing all of this.

It's so fucking stupid. If someone had told me this a few years ago about myself I'd have laughed in their face.

BungleandGeorge · 27/10/2023 10:39

I thought it applied to an intense relationship eg when people give up everything for affair partners and then reality sets in that it was partly infatuation. If there’s no relationship I’d just call it a crush..

Original poster
Mummysgogetter · 27/10/2023 10:44

Affairnot · 27/10/2023 10:20

I made this name a year ago when I was suffering from it for my boss. It faded completely.
Then a fortnight ago someone made a pass at me and it’s like I’ve been hit by a bus. Completely. Obsessed.
It’s not unenjoyable. Distracting. Very arousing Blush
I’m enjoying it for what it is- affirming that I’m alive and it feels quite safe as a lot would have to happen for anything to happen iyswim. We don’t work together or live near each other, probably see each other in company a couple of times a year.

Hi @Affairnot , what happened with your boss - do you think it was reciprocated?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummysgogetter · 27/10/2023 10:49

Affairnot · 27/10/2023 10:20

I made this name a year ago when I was suffering from it for my boss. It faded completely.
Then a fortnight ago someone made a pass at me and it’s like I’ve been hit by a bus. Completely. Obsessed.
It’s not unenjoyable. Distracting. Very arousing Blush
I’m enjoying it for what it is- affirming that I’m alive and it feels quite safe as a lot would have to happen for anything to happen iyswim. We don’t work together or live near each other, probably see each other in company a couple of times a year.

@Affairnot When I was in my very early 20s (I'm mid-forties now) I had the same for an older married man at work - he was late 50s!! Not sure it was limerence though because he tried to come onto me and I ran a mile - I just enjoyed the attention and as soon as someone else my own age came along, he was long forgotten.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummysgogetter · 27/10/2023 10:50

ABeautifulThing · 27/10/2023 10:29

The uncertainty with little occasional unpredictable positives keep everything stoked up. At first it is like you are super alive. Suddenly you have purpose and blood in your veins, energy etc etc .. but the inability to switch it off turns it into a double edged sword, you're at it's mercy, can't stop thinking about the person and everything you do revolves around whether it will make you get a crumb of attention (bet she practices her scales etc a lot 😁).
But the lows are so so low. When the attention doesn't come it's like the sun leaves the sky and everything is pointless, all other people almost become irrelevant even someone you really love.
You feel alive but you are like a leaf on a rushing river.
Competing relate to what @WeighDownOnMeStayTillMorning is saying.

That sounds very intense @ABeautifulThing
What happened in your situation and how did you come out of the other side?

OP posts:
Affairnot · 27/10/2023 10:52

With my boss? I’d be amazed if he’s ever looked at anyone but his wife- without being outing we work in a very strongly prayerful environment and known each other without a batsqueak of attraction for 10 years. I’d gone through a gruelling episode at work and he’d really had my back so there was an element of trauma bonding.
I’d rather sex talk about the current object Wink

Original poster
Mummysgogetter · 27/10/2023 10:58

Affairnot · 27/10/2023 10:52

With my boss? I’d be amazed if he’s ever looked at anyone but his wife- without being outing we work in a very strongly prayerful environment and known each other without a batsqueak of attraction for 10 years. I’d gone through a gruelling episode at work and he’d really had my back so there was an element of trauma bonding.
I’d rather sex talk about the current object Wink

Oh so you didn't get any signs from him then @Affairnot ?

So go on, tell me about your current object?? How did this all start etc?

OP posts:
NnarcissaMalfoy · 27/10/2023 10:59

Mummysgogetter · 27/10/2023 10:16

Ooh that's a lot different to my friend as nothing has been said. Did he admit to liking you as well then?

Show quote history

It's probably not a lot different to your friend- in your friend's case nothing has been said yet. But if it carries on its likely the unspoken will become spoken. I had a situation like this and he did eventually voice it and try to push the boundaries- luckily I was able to summon up the willpower to go NC- I shudder now in retrospect to think how close I came to risking my very happy marriage. Its like I was under a spell. Now the spell has been broken its such a relief. Your friend won't listen to your advice though while she's under the spell. She should get another tutor but I doubt she will until this comes to a head somehow. Pps have it right that this happens to people who are prone to depression& anxiety and becomes a form of obsessive thinking.

lovelymango · 27/10/2023 11:00

This thread has helped me because I guess you could call it an emotional affair but I tried and tried to stop it but I think I got addicted to the attention but when it came down to it I couldn't do anything but when we tried to stop one of us would pull the other back in and it would always get nasty. He sent me a picture and I realised I don't even really fancy him. Just the distraction and the idea. Anyway I've just deleted my account from the app we were messaging on. I need to be free and work on myself and my marriage

WeighDownOnMeStayTillMorning · 27/10/2023 11:02

Wow @lovelymango good for you!

Mine was also an emotional affair if I'm honest and it's really really hard to go from all that attention and adrenaline to nothing.

You've done the hardest part now, well done.

lovelymango · 27/10/2023 11:04

Also it was him who told me he 'fancied the pants off me' then pursued me then left the company and we never saw each other again but carried on this stupid crap for four years after so I think he also has a similar issue. He would use emotional blackmail on me and because I was walking around in this fantasy and it was distracting me from real life I let it happen. Gosh I'm realising what an idiot I've been. There was always this underlying notion I couldn't cheat and that it was completely wrong. I feel like this thread has helped me see that and hopefully your friend will OP