Page 4 | Have you ever suffered from limerence?

Mummysgogetter · 2023-10-26T19:12:20+00:00

Hey everyone, there’s this buzzword that I keep seeing everywhere at the minute “limerence”. I found out about it when my best friend mentioned she thought she was suffering from it for her married piano teacher. I have looked it up and to me it sounds like a crush really. I have had crushes on people that don’t go anywhere and get disappointed, then move on. My friend thinks what she has is more than a crush because she can’t move on because seeing him gives her a glimmer of hope (he low key flirts). So it got me thinking, how common is this limerence thing?? Have you ever suffered or is it just “experts” pathologising an intense crush?

ABeautifulThing · 27/10/2023 11:06

I've created distance. But all the advice on the living with limerence website is what she needs to know. I used that to get myself out. The insight in that website is perfect. It was created by a psychologist who experienced it and there is a community of support there.
But everyone has their own tale to tell. It's mundane in the sense that it can affect anyone, but also a very intense human experience and can be life changing, not necessarily in a good way, especially if you can't get a grip.

ABeautifulThing · 27/10/2023 11:07

WeighDownOnMeStayTillMorning · 27/10/2023 10:30

@ABeautifulThing all of this.

It's so fucking stupid. If someone had told me this a few years ago about myself I'd have laughed in their face.

Ditto. I completely agree.

lovelymango · 27/10/2023 11:07

@WeighDownOnMeStayTillMorning thank you so much. It is a relief to talk about it and not get hate piled on tbh as I realise it is a form of cheating and as I should have been stronger from the beginning and blocked him but I think that's part of my low self esteem. But my DH doesn't deserve this wife. He needs the old one and if that means I have to deal with this obsessive behaviour and anxiety well so be it. The OM has just used me.
Well done to you as well for realising and resolving it

HeadAgainstWall0923 · 27/10/2023 11:08

BungleandGeorge · 27/10/2023 10:39

I thought it applied to an intense relationship eg when people give up everything for affair partners and then reality sets in that it was partly infatuation. If there’s no relationship I’d just call it a crush..

Be glad you’ve never experienced it then because Limerence is so so much more than just a crush.

It infiltrates you and your life completely, it’s intrusive and obsessive and damaging. It literally consumes you but not in a nice way like a crush does, it literally takes over everything where nothing else and nobody else matters and it causes so much anxiety and distress….it’s just awful. The person becomes the absolute focus of your life to the detriment of everything else and you spend your days and nights thinking of them, obsessing over them and analysing every single word they say to you, and every glance they give you, going over it again and again in your mind, questioning yourself constantly….and you’re just riding a damaging roller coaster because you have periods of elation where you truly believe they feel the same but that is then followed by periods of complete darkness and despair when you question how they feel about you. It’s constant euphoria followed by despair, followed by euphoria again, and it’s never ending and it causes such internal misery and heart break. It’s exhausting, confusing and actually terrifying sometimes because you really do feel like you’re going crazy. You feel possessed, it’s as though you’ve completely lost the ability to control who you are or what you do. It’s really, really unpleasant. You lose total grip on your reality.

So yes, it’s not quite as simple as a crush.

WeighDownOnMeStayTillMorning · 27/10/2023 11:11

Oh I don't think k I've resolved it @lovelymango If we still worked together there's a decent chance I'd be having a full affair by now.

MN is generally a really difficult place to discuss this topic; it seems the only emotional difficulty you can't admit to. Woman saying they hate their children get more sympathy sometimes. But it's hard to understand just how out of your control something like this can quickly become.

In my case I went to bed one night as usual, woke up the next day and was like...shit, I've got a crush on him. Within a few months it was...shit I might be in love with him. Then a few months later...shit he feels the same.

It's horrible. I wish it had never happened, my peace of mind is gone.

WeighDownOnMeStayTillMorning · 27/10/2023 11:13

Wow that's a perfect description @HeadAgainstWall0923

The level of despair is something else.

MsRobinEllacott · 27/10/2023 11:14

stopmefeelingsick · 26/10/2023 20:49

Yep, saw it mentioned on here for the first time and it was such a lightbulb moment. I sometimes get completely obsessed by people. It's so much more than a crush. Thoughts of them seem to fill my every waking moment. I might be in the middle of something really fun or really important but I just can't stop my mind wandering to them and linking everything I do to them. It's like being under a spell.

Sometimes they fade gradually but I remember once one I'd suffered for years went away in a flash. It was like waking up from a dream and I was walking on air all day. I felt I was free for the first time in three years.

I'm in between them at the moment which is quite liberating. I know another will come along eventually though.

If it makes a difference I do have ASD and I know autistic people are more prone to obsessions.

I've had this (although don't at the moment thankfully) and yes, I also have ASD. I think it's like a person becomes my special interest. It's never ended well

ABeautifulThing · 27/10/2023 11:17

@HeadAgainstWall0923 and while all that's going on you have to appear completely normal on the surface.
It's not just a crush, but as you say until you experience it that's what it sounds like.
It's involuntary, you can hate it while it's happening and you have to build your own road out.
When you have a crush it's much more a pleasant idle fantasy.
People do tear their lives apart for limerence and a heavy price is paid then. I was grateful I recognised it and found a good resource for help because it could really feel like you should throw everything else away, especially if things aren't great at home at that time. But usually it's illusory or temporary and that's a mistake.
That said, it is a legit stage of falling in love, the difference being when you are free to love and it's reciprocated it's healthy and can develop into true lasting love. Whereas when you're not free and/or it's not reciprocated it is destructive.

usedtobeasizeten · 27/10/2023 11:17

Yes. When I was about 15. I’ve only heard about it on here, along with
life admin
mental load
picky bits

HeadAgainstWall0923 · 27/10/2023 11:18

WeighDownOnMeStayTillMorning · 27/10/2023 11:13

Wow that's a perfect description @HeadAgainstWall0923

The level of despair is something else.

I remember when I hit my lowest point of despair and that’s when I said to myself, “You have to stop this now.”

My despair was based on something so silly and irrational and that’s when I realised how absolutely insane I had become. I knew I had to put an end to it all because my behaviours and thoughts were well beyond what was normal. I actually felt scared about what I had become, I didn’t even know who I was anymore.

At one point I did consider telling my husband because I felt like I had completely deceived him, but in the end I chose not to and now it’s like the whole event never happened. It was hard though to get over it.

lovelymango · 27/10/2023 11:23

@HeadAgainstWall0923 what a perfect description. He used to say to me why are you so intense and I thought why aren't you but then I've realised he was just interested in the sex talk and flirting and when he was done I was out of his head. Thank god we never met up as that would've been a disaster. But when he was being nice to me I wasn't even that interested. I thought we were friends but that was most likely all in my head as well. I would text him and get the thrill but it's like an addiction. He said to me once if you have sex with me you will be addicted. Gosh how my eyes are being opened here.

Original poster

Mummysgogetter · 27/10/2023 11:23

NnarcissaMalfoy · 27/10/2023 10:59

It's probably not a lot different to your friend- in your friend's case nothing has been said yet. But if it carries on its likely the unspoken will become spoken. I had a situation like this and he did eventually voice it and try to push the boundaries- luckily I was able to summon up the willpower to go NC- I shudder now in retrospect to think how close I came to risking my very happy marriage. Its like I was under a spell. Now the spell has been broken its such a relief. Your friend won't listen to your advice though while she's under the spell. She should get another tutor but I doubt she will until this comes to a head somehow. Pps have it right that this happens to people who are prone to depression& anxiety and becomes a form of obsessive thinking.

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@NnarcissaMalfoy not sure it will become spoken on his behalf. From what she has said, the stuff she gets back from him is very ambiguous that he may not even feel the same way (eye contact, smiling, nervousness, sitting close) - I mean those things could literally mean something or could mean absolutely nothing except a friendly tutor lol

OP posts:

HeadAgainstWall0923 · 27/10/2023 11:23

ABeautifulThing · 27/10/2023 11:17

@HeadAgainstWall0923 and while all that's going on you have to appear completely normal on the surface.
It's not just a crush, but as you say until you experience it that's what it sounds like.
It's involuntary, you can hate it while it's happening and you have to build your own road out.
When you have a crush it's much more a pleasant idle fantasy.
People do tear their lives apart for limerence and a heavy price is paid then. I was grateful I recognised it and found a good resource for help because it could really feel like you should throw everything else away, especially if things aren't great at home at that time. But usually it's illusory or temporary and that's a mistake.
That said, it is a legit stage of falling in love, the difference being when you are free to love and it's reciprocated it's healthy and can develop into true lasting love. Whereas when you're not free and/or it's not reciprocated it is destructive.

Absolutely! It feels impossible.

Whenever I was around them I felt sick with nerves and I felt like I could barely breathe at times. I couldn’t get my words out, I couldn’t bring myself to look at them and I felt confused because it all felt so magical and crazy at the same time. Trying to internally manage and control my feelings whilst simultaneously trying to act completely normal with them was a total head fuck.

I look back on it now and I still can’t make sense of it. Unless someone has experienced it they just cannot understand the torment and complexity of it.

WeighDownOnMeStayTillMorning · 27/10/2023 11:24

You sound exactly like me @HeadAgainstWall0923

I've had that thought a million times. Sometimes I manage to set it aside but it never goes far. I sometimes get to the end of, say, a movie, and think 'oh I've not thought about him for two hours' and I have to count that as a fucking win at this point.

I'm an embarrassment.

Fahbeep · 27/10/2023 11:24

Limerence is how you feel, and it isn't induced by the other person with love bombing. In its purest form, it is an unexpected connection to another person, bringing on a deep longing for their companionship. It involves sexual attraction, but it isn't really about sex. It's about being seen by someone at an emotional level. I was vulnerable to it because my needs were not being met in my marriage (because of the stress of real life), so it was an escape into a fantasy perfect life that didn't really exist.

But, if I was to find my self single, and if the other person was likewise 🤔🤔🤔🤔

😂

WeighDownOnMeStayTillMorning · 27/10/2023 11:27

Yes @Fahbeep it's something about being seen differently, as a being in your own right who is interesting and fun and worthy, and not 'just' a wife or a mother or someone who routinely puts herself last. It's really very intoxicating.

lovelymango · 27/10/2023 11:28

@WeighDownOnMeStayTillMorning I totally went through the same thing. The strange thing was he never wanted to be alone with me when we did work at the same place. It's like the talk was there but he never intended anything to happen but why keep texting me and saying all this stuff. Once or twice he did ask me to meet him but i bottled it because I knew I'd get so badly hurt and deceive my DH to the point he didnt deserve and I realised then it had to end but something kept pulling me in. I thought it was a connection but it was me fantasising. And to an extent I was probably using him as well. I wish to god I had never met him. I almost text him to say he'd never hear from me again but it's been a while now and I think the best thing is to quietly go away.

SleepyMathematician · 27/10/2023 11:29

Your friend needs to get a new piano teacher. You’re being over dramatic when you say she has to keep seeing him or give up the hobby - there’s plenty of piano teachers out there.
I’m on the other side of this coin. I teach piano and get older men get obvious crushes on me now and then. I have one at the moment who keeps bringing me chocolates and telling me he lives for piano. No response I’m giving is working so I will probably have to stop the lessons, which I’ve done in the past.

The trouble is, part of the job is being friendly and interested in them as a person. A lot of people who mistake this for friendship and think I am their friend because I am nice to them, and I very much suspect this is what your friend is doing. I doubt he’s flirting at all, more likely asking her how her week was, sympathising if she’s had a hard time etc, because this kind of dialogue puts adults at their ease and they play better. I like my pupils well enough but I am not their friend and I’m most definitely not going to be anything more. They are my job and some don’t get that. It can be a bit like therapists where clients frequently fall for the therapist.

To get over limeramce you need to stop seeing the person, full stop. Hard at first but is by far the best thing in the long run. The tutor is married. Your friend needs to find someone else to teach her piano, now, and that isn’t difficult unless she’s a concert pianist needing conservatoire level tuition, which I doubt.

Original poster

Mummysgogetter · 27/10/2023 11:30

HeadAgainstWall0923 · 27/10/2023 11:08

Be glad you’ve never experienced it then because Limerence is so so much more than just a crush.

It infiltrates you and your life completely, it’s intrusive and obsessive and damaging. It literally consumes you but not in a nice way like a crush does, it literally takes over everything where nothing else and nobody else matters and it causes so much anxiety and distress….it’s just awful. The person becomes the absolute focus of your life to the detriment of everything else and you spend your days and nights thinking of them, obsessing over them and analysing every single word they say to you, and every glance they give you, going over it again and again in your mind, questioning yourself constantly….and you’re just riding a damaging roller coaster because you have periods of elation where you truly believe they feel the same but that is then followed by periods of complete darkness and despair when you question how they feel about you. It’s constant euphoria followed by despair, followed by euphoria again, and it’s never ending and it causes such internal misery and heart break. It’s exhausting, confusing and actually terrifying sometimes because you really do feel like you’re going crazy. You feel possessed, it’s as though you’ve completely lost the ability to control who you are or what you do. It’s really, really unpleasant. You lose total grip on your reality.

So yes, it’s not quite as simple as a crush.

Edited

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@HeadAgainstWall0923 Looking back, did your limerent person give you clear definite signs or was it all in your head, as in were you just drunk on the high and seeing what you wanted to see?

OP posts:

HeadAgainstWall0923 · 27/10/2023 11:31

WeighDownOnMeStayTillMorning · 27/10/2023 11:24

You sound exactly like me @HeadAgainstWall0923

I've had that thought a million times. Sometimes I manage to set it aside but it never goes far. I sometimes get to the end of, say, a movie, and think 'oh I've not thought about him for two hours' and I have to count that as a fucking win at this point.

I'm an embarrassment.

I used to spend hours and hours glancing over at my mobile phone whilst trying to think of some innocent reason I could text them purely because I needed to have some form of contact with them. If I ever received a text message I would race over to my phone and I’d be so so so desperate for it to be off them and oh the euphoria I would feel if it was from them, but good god the feeling of crushing nausea if it wasn’t was unbearable.

I used to orchestrate reasons to see them all the time - I was so very, very manipulative.

It was like an addiction and I couldn’t get enough and I had no idea how to stop.

I would find a 101 reasons to convince myself that they felt the same….

I couldn’t leave the house without looking down all the streets in the brief chance I might see them…

The need to see them or be in contact them absolutely consumed me.

I used to get crushes when I was a teenager and I can safely say that Limerence is a million miles away from those naive and innocent feelings.

WeighDownOnMeStayTillMorning · 27/10/2023 11:31

Ah, see we were alone a lot. Worked together, travelled together, for coffee and lunch together. And it all was an escape for both of us, from the humdrum lives we all lead.

I know all of this, and yet can't switch it off.

I think quietly going away is the thing. I'm getting there. But it really hurts to do it because, before all this shit, he was my friend.

I find him interesting, and enjoyed his company, and learned about new things from him. I miss that now more than I'd want to shag him tbh.

Original poster

Mummysgogetter · 27/10/2023 11:31

WeighDownOnMeStayTillMorning · 27/10/2023 10:17

Yeah @Mummysgogetter he did one night when we were out, and almost kissed me but stopped.

We had every conversation under the sun, saying everything but the actual words. He did say I love you a few times but tried to pass it off as just a friendly thing.

Sorry, just realised you have already said he admitted it to you. Must have been so difficult but also quite tempting and exciting as well

OP posts:

HeadAgainstWall0923 · 27/10/2023 11:33

Mummysgogetter · 27/10/2023 11:30

@HeadAgainstWall0923 Looking back, did your limerent person give you clear definite signs or was it all in your head, as in were you just drunk on the high and seeing what you wanted to see?

Show quote history

It was all in my head. At the time I thought it was real, I was convinced they felt the same but that neither of us were brave enough to voice it, but none of it was real.

I just wanted to see what I wanted to see. I wanted to believe it was true so somehow managed to convince myself it was. It’s quite scary really.

Trevorton · 27/10/2023 11:34

HeadAgainstWall0923 · 26/10/2023 20:58

I’ve suffered from it and it’s in a different league to just having a crush. It’s totally consuming and yes, lots of obsessive thoughts.

This.

I too have suffered and it was a horrendous period in my life. I was totally and utterly consumed by this person. I wouldn't wish it on anyone to be honest. It turns out the person was a complete twat. I am very happily married now but I wish I had known back then what a twat the guy was so I hadn't had the experience.

WeighDownOnMeStayTillMorning · 27/10/2023 11:39

It is scary. I genuinely thought I was going completely crazy at certain points.

I'm relieved that the intensity of that phase is over but now it's like...what is there then?

What's there to look forward to and get excited about? There's nothing new or different on my horizon and I'm bored out of my fucking brains.

Have you ever suffered from limerence?

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