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Original poster

Parents who let your toddlers run feral, how are your kids now?

656 replies

Fruitcakesanddogs · 24/10/2023 21:48

I have a 23 month old. I am very relaxed with him. He’s messy, loud and basically a complete hurricane. I try to just let him do his thing, unless of course he’s going to harm someone else or is really annoying someone.

I know some people don’t like this kind of parenting. If that’s you then fair enough. However I am interested in hearing from parents who did take a more relaxed approach with their toddler. How did it turn out for you?

OP posts:
WonderfulUsername · 24/10/2023 21:50

Parents who let their kids run feral will rarely admit it, so your thread title might be a bit off putting for them.

PutWoodInHoleDuck · 24/10/2023 21:52

Interesting. The toddlers I knew like this are now 5. They're lovely in most ways and often good at chatting and making friends, but also still have behaviours I stamped out at age 2, especially around being a bit difficult if they don't get their own way.

Crabacus · 24/10/2023 21:57

Not me, so maybe you don't want to hear from me but I have a friend who was very overrun by her toddler. Our sons are very good friends, now mid-teens.
It's problematic, to put it mildly. She has no control over him at all really, he just does whatever he wants. He lies to her about what he's doing, wanders off wherever and whenever he likes and if she tries to find out where he is, he just turns his phone off and stays out of contact until he wants to come home again. He has nothing but contempt for her really, it's really sad to see.
As a toddler, he never really got told off or if he did it was extremely mild. Never any consequences for naughty behaviour. She couldn't understand then why he misbehaved constantly.

my DM once told me that setting boundaries for children is like having the safety bar on a rollercoaster. The first thing you do is push against it to make sure it's safe - that's what children do against boundaries. If the boundary stays firm, they know they are safe but if they can't find the boundary they push and push and push to try and find where it lies. Giving children firm boundaries isn't being horrible to them, it's what they need to feel secure.

Interested in this thread?

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Families
PuttingDownRoots · 24/10/2023 21:59

"Running feral" as on permissive parenting, or just being allowed to explore?

The children I know from the first definition react badly to being told no and struggle socially.
From the second example... are usually confident and curious.

Dalhoussie · 24/10/2023 22:01

i think it depends on your child’s personality. We never did the naughty step or other types of discipline with dc, I think we would be called ‘gentle parents’ by today’s standards. But he is a calm and mostly easy going child who responds well to quiet conversation.

he is 11 now and calm and creative and wonderful. He is not good at following rules he doesn’t respect / understand, which means he doesn’t want to do homework he considers pointless etc. We have a lot of conversations about this because he never learnt to obey an adult for the sake of it. I don’t think that’s a bad thing, personally, but it might not serve him well in life.

Elektra1 · 24/10/2023 22:02

Children need boundaries, as PP have said. They don't feel safe when they don't know where the boundaries are. Get it in hand now. You can be a liberal permissive parent without having a "feral" (OP's word) child.

avenue1 · 24/10/2023 22:03

I know a few parents who have struggled to parent their pre-school age children. They are wild and free- messy, loud and complete hurricanes too! Generally the parents need extra support from school and the children have a harder time settling into friendships and socially acceptable classroom behaviour. They need additional help to keep up academically and tend to be selfish, so harder to like. That is from an educational perspective- home schooling non-conforming children should suit them much better.

Dalhoussie · 24/10/2023 22:08

I actually agree with @Crabacus about boundaries. We never did hard discipline but I hope we were /
are consistent in our messaging about respecting other people and also consistent in making him feel secure and loved.

op - why have you asked? Have other people criticised your parenting style?

Noicant · 24/10/2023 22:10

The ones I know are professionally successful (not unexpected, they are also very intelligent) but honestly quite selfish and grabby. Very self oriented with a veneer of concern for others in terms of visible signalling (going on marches, having the right opinions etc) but on an interpersonal level not so great except with friends they value. But tbh after a while people notice that kind of thing.

SeaToSki · 24/10/2023 22:15

The two I know both went off the rails, got into drugs and alcohol and had no skills in delayed gratification or calming themselves down. Luckily one has found his way back to some normality by going to work in a kitchen as a cook. He says he finds the rigid structure and routines comforting and help him focus. The other is still a work in progress, I have my fingers crossed he will find his place as underneath the lashing out and stropping he is a sweet boy

HarrietofFire · 24/10/2023 22:19

My step grandsons are now 10 and 8 and had this parenting. Everyone dislikes them including their grandad, my DP. We dread seeing them and after the last attempt at going to a Pizza Hut will never eat out with them again. They're both struggling at school. They're loud, rude, badly behaved, can't sit still for a minute and have no thought for anyone else or their property.

Original poster
Fruitcakesanddogs · 24/10/2023 22:22

Thanks for the responses so far.

At the moment my experience of “gentler” parenting as been quite positive

He has never snatched from another child, which I think could be because I rarely take things out of his hands (even if we are in a shop and he’s picked up a toy and I reeeeeally want to leave, I’ll try and wait until he’s finally dropped it himself before we go)

Like I say, I try to let him mostly do his thing, but he’s also quite good at not doing something if I say so (e.g don’t touch the cat food, don’t eat that berry) which I think could be because he knows when I do say it I do mean it

He’s extremely loving and affectionate with me and his extended family (lots of kisses and cuddles) which I think could be helped by not shouting at him etc

Hes not yet 2 though so this could all go to pot in the next year! I know it must be called terrible twos for a reason…

Negative experiences I have had I guess include the fact that I don’t ever feel I can take him nice places like a restaurant or a museum. I also can barely get him in a buggy as he will protest too much, so mostly if I go out I just carry him or let him toddle along - so I can’t get very far.

OP posts:
AllWeWantToDo · 24/10/2023 22:30

They are really unpleasant teens and adults. I think the parents probably wish they'd put in boundaries when they were toddlers

Ozgirl75 · 24/10/2023 22:33

My nephew is like this, he is very strong willed and honestly I don’t think my SIL decided to gentle parent, she’s just exhausted by it and gave in for an easier life, he was always hard work over everything: eating, potty training, sleeping. They relied heavily on screens to get him to sit and do what he needed to do, like eat a meal etc.
Anyway, he’s now 13 and honestly isn’t a very likeable person. He’s quite rude and is glued to his phone ALL the time. He’s also openly disrespectful and seems unable to put up with things that I would expect a 13 year old to. For example, we were at my PILs recently and yes, it wasn’t exactly riveting for a load of teens but his sister and my kids managed to make the best of it whereas he just whines about being bored and how he wanted to go.
It’s kind of tearing the family apart as my BIL and SIL clearly favour their daughter and I think BIL blames SIL for not being stricter. It’s a mess really.
I remember feeling judged by them when our kids were 2 and I was a lot stricter, didn’t allow screens etc and honestly I did find the early years very hard work, but (so far!) it does seem to have paid off (although mine obviously have their moments!)

HappiDaze · 24/10/2023 22:39

We live in a City you can't let your DC go feral because it's to dangerous on many different levels

StarDolphins · 24/10/2023 22:40

So I was this parent, let my dd do her thing & was v relaxed. Also very gentle & gently told her no & explained why etc rather than tough approach.

Now I’m paying the price & frantically trying to rectify it. I’ve slowly made progress & if I carry the on hopefully I will undo my mistakes. I’m already seeing big improvements. She’s 7 now.

Fundays12 · 24/10/2023 22:40

I only know one parent who parented this way and her child turned out quite horrible. He is spoilt, rude, demanding, violent and abusive. He struggled in school and has real social difficulties due to his behaviour towards other kids. He has never been given boundaries or basic rules. It's a very sad situation as his mum still can't understand why he is like that.

Dalhoussie · 24/10/2023 22:40

Op I think a lot of people have interpreted ‘feral’ as meaning you let your child be a terror to others and have no respect for anyone. Whereas what you describe is that you respect him and are trying to model respectful behaviour.

It’s easier for parents of only children to do what you describe as you (we) have the time to listen to and accommodate your child’s needs. Our son went to a childminder from age 1 with older children, partly because we wanted him to understand the dynamic when there are lots of different ages and needs at stake. This might be something you want to consider too.

I don’t think we took our son to posh restaurants aged 2 but at age 11 we do! He is kind, polite and popular (this is what his teachers say too).

JustAMinutePleass · 24/10/2023 22:40

Feral kids often turn into rude obnoxious teens and selfish adults imo. As parents always prioritise an easy life over actually teaching their kids until it’s too late. DS is strong willed, he adores screens, but I discipline him and he has well defined boundaries - at 3 he is more independant than most kids his age (cleans himself properly after a loo, dresses and undresses himself, gets his bag ready the night before preschool,eats by himself, and is very polite and considerate). He’s starting to cook with me too.

crumblingschools · 24/10/2023 22:41

I pity their teachers! How long do you think teachers will have to wait before he decides to do something they have asked him to do? What happens if he breaks something in a shop?

Witchesdontburn · 24/10/2023 22:48

One is self harming
one low level anti social behaviour

Plumful · 24/10/2023 22:51

You are already letting your 18 month old control you. Not good. Enforce some boundaries!! Sometimes they have to go in the buggy, it’s not up for debate.

MonkeyPuddle · 24/10/2023 22:54

Gentle parenting isn’t a lack of boundaries.

AmyandPhilipfan · 24/10/2023 22:55

I think gentle parenting works with gentle children. I do know some lovely gentle mums with lovely gentle kids, because they are genetically that way. But I also know some families where the mum is naturally gentle but the children haven't got that gene and then chaos tends to ensue!

Totalwasteofpaper · 24/10/2023 22:55

Negative experiences I have had I guess include the fact that I don’t ever feel I can take him nice places like a restaurant or a museum. I also can barely get him in a buggy as he will protest too much, so mostly if I go out I just carry him or let him toddle along - so I can’t get very far.

I'm pretty soft and try to accommodate my toddler Vs get into a battle of wills but this is horrendous and ridiculous in equal portions. I don't know how you are happy live like this.
It's reads as though he is the sun and you revolve around him.

And how this isn't under your negatives I don't know
He has never snatched from another child, which I think could be because I rarely take things out of his hands (even if we are in a shop and he’s picked up a toy and I reeeeeally want to leave, I’ll try and wait until he’s finally dropped it himself before we go)