Parents who let your toddlers run feral, how are your kids now?

[Fruitcakesanddogs]

I have a 23 month old. I am very relaxed with him. He’s messy, loud and basically a complete hurricane. I try to just let him do his thing, unless of course he’s going to harm someone else or is really annoying someone.

I know some people don’t like this kind of parenting. If that’s you then fair enough. However I am interested in hearing from parents who did take a more relaxed approach with their toddler. How did it turn out for you?

As a previous poster has put... depends what you mean by "feral". If he's loudly chatting and laughing, and messily painting his body to do hand / foot printing, that's very different to if you let him run amock at soft play, battering other kids over the head and living off of cake because he'd rather have that than a sandwich! Obviously the outcomes are likely to be very different too.

You say he's pretty well behaved atm, so you haven't had much opportunity to parent tantrums or challenging behaviour. I really hope for you he skips his terrible twos, and carries on being lovely, without the need for a stern word or other intervention! But think it's quite unlikely, sorry to say! You might find you do have to be strict, when the time comes. It's different with teeny tinies.

Also, it depends on the child a lot - my youngest is much easier going and I never had to be particularly strict with him so maybe you’ll be lucky. I think explaining things and not being strict for the sake of it are totally fine by the way, as long as they’re not being annoying it’s probably ok.

my child, like many of my friends children were allowed to roll in grass, build bridges across streams, hide in homemade dens. Generally academically bright, creative, thoughtful and sociable kids. They were given fair consistent kind boundaries when necessary, while supported to be reflective - rather than pointlessly disciplined through fear (which I’ve regularly witnessed in schools). They were well behaved kids and still are as teens. They are genuinely lovely people and make good choices.

I don't know what you mean by running feral. My children didn't run wild and were not allowed to roam freely in the streets or anything but I think I was probably what is considered a permissive parent , they were allowed to express themselves we didn't have any petty rules, no naughty step, no taking away toys, punishments etc always tried to be child centred etc. But
My children are now grown up. Both very responsible, caring and intelligent people.

He has never snatched from another child, which I think could be because I rarely take things out of his hands (even if we are in a shop and he’s picked up a toy and I reeeeeally want to leave, I’ll try and wait until he’s finally dropped it himself before we go).

Op, what you are describing here is never allowing your son to experience frustration, and this is a kind of neglect. By doing this, you are actually depriving him of essential learning. He needs to learn that not having his own way won't kill him, that negative emotions are only temporary, that other people's needs are as important as his own. And if you truly love him, you need to be prepared to endure the tears and tantrums as he learns this.

Agree with @QS90 depends on the feral! If they’re hitting or screaming or tantruming and you’re ignoring it, that’s going to have repercussions in the future. However, if you’re letting him get muddy and wet, or paddle in a stream, throw stones in the water etc and other people are giving you the stink eye (I have been given said stink eye for all these things!), that isn’t being feral (IMO), it’s just letting them have fun.

Gentle parenting isn't letting children run feral. It is completely based around setting boundaries. Children with no boundaries or who never get told no will struggle as they grow up because everywhere has boundaries and expectations and life is naturally full of disappointments as well as great things. Age 2 it's hard to go into restaurants as quite frankly they are boring for kids and the kid will usually finish before you do so I wouldn't panic too much about that just yet. You shouldn't be giving into every strop now though. Look at Big Little Feelings on Instagram if you want to gentle parent. They have loads of advice posts and the do courses if you feel you need more support

Clear boundaries are important. Some children will test them more than others. Mine are at the older end of childhood and like to check where those boundaries are, but know that "no" means that it ain't happening. They also know that "no" tends to have sensible reasons attached even if it's not their first choice of answer.

At school and clubs they are pleasant and respect the rules. On the rare occasion that they cross the line they recognise it and appologise of their own volition. Between two children of 10 & 12 I have plenty of spare fingers to count the number of times their teachers and leaders have had to speak to me about their behaviour. Incidentally one is ND, and both dyslexic which does complicate life. I've helped out in their school and I've helped out in one of their extra curriculars, so I've regularly seen their "group personalities" in action.

There are situations I avoid. From 18m to 3y, we avoided eating out where lots of waiting was involved. We're still selective about where we go as there's things like predictability and sensory issues to consider. At longer family meals, I did have to take DS1 out when he reached his limit; I've always tried to consider surroundings and what other people expect. I'm a big fan of burning off their energy in open spaces and through sport, and there are also places where it is not the place and I remind them about what is expected of them.

I have worked with children that clearly had no boundaries and it's taken a while for them to settle and get the hang of them, but they are happier for knowing what's expected of them. The difficult children are the ones with no boundaries and parents that resist normal social conventions and feedback. They do their children no favours. I have seen the teenage end where it's not cute and gets out of hand and it's not pretty. It's much simpler having clear, consistent, logical expectations from the start. Not always easy, but simpler.

You aren't parenting. It's as simple as that.

If a child rules the house at 2 that's the pattern for the future. I was too lax really. Too tired to battle sometimes. Two DC very close together and work FT with no family help. 14 years later I'm exhausted by it. Mine are very good at school and aren't bad kids as others say they are lovely & polite. But I have to negotiate everything

Gentle parenting only works with children who are naturally gentle and usually rather passive.
I had two of those.
However I also had two of the more naturally feral variety, and they NEEDED strong boundaries because they would push them.

I now have a 2.5 yr old dgs. Sociable, confident, articulate... and would also be feral given the chance. We allow him to express himself, we encourage exploration , testing his abilities... but like hell does he get the last word or to decide whether he puts back a toy in a shop or not!

You need to be firm with the pushchair and with removing things from him BEFORE he gets stronger and more able to do stuff... because you haven't even hit 2 yet let alone 3. And a three year old that hasn't had a few firm 'NO!'s is going to find life hard at nursery when he doesn't want someone else to have a go with a toy!

Boundaries HELP children to became reasonable little people. !

Re: Buggy - often when I try to put him in his buggy he will stiffen his body so I can’t put him in. He goes completely rigid so he just slides out basically and won’t sit in the chair. I try a couple of times and offer him distraction such as a snack but if he doesn’t want to then the only way I could possibly get him to do it would be to physically force his body into it. He doesn’t yet have the communication to understand why I need him in there so I can’t reason with him. Would your advice be to physically force him in there? Not sure if the way I’ve worded that sounds defensive or accusatory - hope not - just genuinely curious!

My eldest was a goddamn nightmare in cafes when he was small. He would bang on the table, hated sitting still, would want to get down. So we just didn’t do it. I did get a bit of “oh you have to do it when they’re young otherwise you’ll never get to go to nice restaurants, they have to learn young”
This is luckily bullshit. My 13 year old now loves a good cafe and restaurant and is just a totally normal person there and is great company!

How do you take him to the supermarket? To the park? The train station? Etc etc

You say you can't get very far because he won't go in the buggy. 2 year olds are not known for being rational or knowing what's best for them... he's missing out on a lot by you not enforcing boundaries and "making" him do certain things which are for the greater good

I think this describes it well!

My friend has a very relaxed parenting style. Depends on what you mean by feral? Her son has started calling my dd a pink princess pussy so unfortunately natural consequences and all that. My dd can no longer stand him so that's the end of their friendship. Shame as I love my friend. She loves her kids so much as well. But my dds feelings come first.

@Fruitcakesanddogs

Well good luck girl ….

Yep , mine sometimes had to be physically forced into pushchairs and car seats. I had work and other dc to get to school

I never let my child run feral but I let her be a child.
There’s a big difference.

At home she was free to express herself, be messy, play, sing etc but there were rules eg sitting down to eat.

Outside of the home she was expected to be on her best behaviour.

I found letting her run a wild at home helped her behave when we were out and about.

Of course she’s not a robot and we’ve had the terrible twos and she went through a phase of running off etc but overall she has always been very well behaved and an angel.
But she’s autistic and naturally likes to follow the rules, so I’m not sure but I think the balance of having rules but not being too strict, especially at home, has worked really well.

Girl in my younger DD’s class was parented as you describe. It’s gone a bit wrong for her now she’s at secondary school and doesn’t have her mother to “manage” all her friendships; the other kids now find her selfish and self absorbed with no real consideration for others. And now they’re a bit older, they aren’t prepared to put up with it any more, so this child is really out on a limb socially. The parents are the loveliest people you will ever meet, so it’s very odd - but this girl has zero manners or social graces.

I know someone who let her two boys "do their own thing". Never said no, just asked them to behave. Never really set any boundaries. Neither coped with school and couldn't cope with the discipline of routine and consequences. They were both bullied by other kids.
After several changes of school (it was all the schools fault apparently) they refused to go anymore. They were about 10. Neither has had any education since. They are now adults. Unemployed, friendless, directionless and unable to cope with even basic routines/boundaries of society. They are also objectionable human beings. Completely charmless and selfish.
It is not a good parenting method and sets your children up for a lifetime of insecurity.
I'm retired now but was a child psychologist

Yes, push in if needs be - it won't hurt him. You are the adult, so you decide whether or not he goes in his pushchair. Imagine if you had two! Or had to go to a doctors appointment or something.

It’s exhausting, though we weren't totally passive…

Both have learnt to manipulate us - in different ways.

yes to the person who said it’s exhausting having to negotiate every darn thing!!!! Ours are Tweens and teens now. However, they are very thoughtful articulate and mature young people.

Using more boundaries as they get older has simplified our lives!

Kids are like dogs. If you let them think they're the ones in charge, you're in for a whole world of trouble.

Negative experiences I have had I guess include the fact that I don’t ever feel I can take him nice places like a restaurant or a museum. I also can barely get him in a buggy as he will protest too much, so mostly if I go out I just carry him or let him toddle along - so I can’t get very far.

This is all well and good if you're just going to stop at one child.

It's when a parent has another and one child constantly ends up missing out, due to their sibling's behaviour.

It's not fair is it?