Parents who let your toddlers run feral, how are your kids now?

[Fruitcakesanddogs]

I have a 23 month old. I am very relaxed with him. He’s messy, loud and basically a complete hurricane. I try to just let him do his thing, unless of course he’s going to harm someone else or is really annoying someone.

I know some people don’t like this kind of parenting. If that’s you then fair enough. However I am interested in hearing from parents who did take a more relaxed approach with their toddler. How did it turn out for you?

I do get that that’s preferable to them interrupting verbally but personally I think it’s better to encourage them to just wait until you’ve finished speaking unless it really can’t wait (e.g. someone’s hurt or, if they’re young enough for it to be urgent, they need the toilet). A child putting their hand on your arm mid conversation to indicate a desire for your attention is just a different type of butting in, it compels the other person to offer the child their turn at speaking, and it doesn’t really model the overall point that there are times for talking and times for letting other people talk.

Not yet 2 🤣

My daughter was the nicest sweetest thing at that age. She's now 3.5 and a little terrorist. And I say this while I actually have always been able to take her out to restaurants etc with no bother at all. Partly good luck with her behaviour, partly as we've never accepted bad behaviour from her. Good luck when your little one is 3 😶

But seriously, people parent in the way that suits theirs and their kids personality and is the least stressful way through things. Some parents find a "hands off" approach easier for them.

One thing I can say - I hate parents that let their kids run feral when I'm out. It's rude to other people. Even if you think you're not bothering other people, the chaos in itself is infuriating to experience.

This is a useful transition from that IME - when they are in a tricky age like 4/5 where they want to interrupt and know that they should wait, but they struggle waiting for too long. Once they're say 7 or 8, they should have transitioned to more of a reading the room and interrupting only at a reasonable moment.

It's like putting your hand up at primary school - it is a helpful signal to the child realising that "I have signalled my intent to speak, and the teacher is aware" and helps them remember to stay quiet until it is their turn. But my 5yo (possibly ND, and not at school yet - abroad) finds this really really difficult, if we just tell him to wait, about half of the time he will start jiggling around as though he has ants in his pants and about half of those times he'll burst into tears and say "But I'm going to forget!" The jiggling/upset is more likely if he's tired, hungry, or if we ask him to wait longer.

If you want to train a skill in children like waiting for an appropriate pause in the conversation, it really helps if you can start with an interval that is easy for them such as getting them to wait around 1 minute, and then increase this over time until they are able to wait several minutes. You should not always respond to DC until the day they turn 3 and then just suddenly expect them to sit there patiently for 10 minutes - which feels like an AGE when you're waiting for something - you have to build it up from a reasonable expectation. If they are a child for whom this is especially hard perhaps due to lower impulse control, then start with an even smaller interval like 20 seconds.

This is not totally child specific psychology either - adults will get frustrated after a very short time if they do not have an indication that someone is aware that they are waiting. It's just that most adults have developed an understanding of conversation cues so we can read whether someone is aware and will get to you, or isn't listening at all. That's why telephone call centres use hold music and/or tell you what position you are in the queue, because if you are just on the phone listening to silence or static on the line, it's really not clear if someone will answer your call or they have just hung up on you, and many people will hang up.

Children won't have that awareness when they are very young so being able to put their hand on your arm, or put their hand up in class, is a useful short cut for them to bridge that gap while they develop the skill.

My son is having problems with another boy. The problem is my son. He doesn't respect this boy's boundaries. The other boy then lashes out.

I have talked to him about boundaries. He is good at enforcing his boundaries. He respects other peoples boundaries but not with this boy.

I have seen their interactions outside school. He is still trying to play with this particular boy. I asked him why he likes this boy? He said they like the same things, paw patrol, Mickey mouse e.t.c. I asked him if he is sad that this boy doesn't want to play. I don't get an answer on this one.

At first I thought the other boy was being mean, but I have seen him backing away from my son.

Any resources I can read or watch? Any tips on respecting other people's boundaries. I was so caught up on getting him to enforce his boundaries, I didn't think of the opposite.

Letting your child run wild isn’t gentle parenting. It’s permissive parenting.

It’s an alchemy of parenting and the child’s personality as to how they “turn out”.

Anecdotally the now late teen kids of friends are pretty much all decent nice young people even the gently parented ones who were whiny pains at playgroup.

The only one that’s struggling is the one that had over involved parents and was over scheduled. This child has gone off the rails and has been expelled. So frankly relaxed parenting seems to get better results.