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Original poster

Parents who let your toddlers run feral, how are your kids now?

656 replies

Fruitcakesanddogs · 24/10/2023 21:48

I have a 23 month old. I am very relaxed with him. He’s messy, loud and basically a complete hurricane. I try to just let him do his thing, unless of course he’s going to harm someone else or is really annoying someone.

I know some people don’t like this kind of parenting. If that’s you then fair enough. However I am interested in hearing from parents who did take a more relaxed approach with their toddler. How did it turn out for you?

OP posts:
WinterDeWinter · 24/10/2023 23:30

MsRosley · 24/10/2023 22:58

He has never snatched from another child, which I think could be because I rarely take things out of his hands (even if we are in a shop and he’s picked up a toy and I reeeeeally want to leave, I’ll try and wait until he’s finally dropped it himself before we go).

Op, what you are describing here is never allowing your son to experience frustration, and this is a kind of neglect. By doing this, you are actually depriving him of essential learning. He needs to learn that not having his own way won't kill him, that negative emotions are only temporary, that other people's needs are as important as his own. And if you truly love him, you need to be prepared to endure the tears and tantrums as he learns this.

Excellent post.

BertieBotts · 24/10/2023 23:31

Obviously it's all a bit subjective but I was/am a laid back toddler mum. And I was utterly terrible at boundaries with my first. I got a bit better/more confident in my role here by the time I had DS2/3 (ten years later) but it still doesn't come easily to me.

It seems to create (in my sample size of 2) highly strung 4-5 year olds. Or this could be inherited neurodivergence. 🤷‍♀️

DS1 is a teenager now and so laid back he could be horizontal, which he mostly is. But we have a very nice relationship and can talk about most things.

DS3 is still a toddler enjoying all the joys of unfettered toddlerdom. It's a brilliant age, I love it. He is absolutely nuts, much more than the other two, they were emotional, he is fearless.

Familydynamics · 24/10/2023 23:32

The ones I know aren't great im afraid. Lack of boundaries and structure have carried out into adulthood. My friend struggles to hold down a job as he sometimes stay ups all night just because he can! His parents never enforced a bedtime, they could stay up as long as they didn't bother anyone.

One of his siblings has gone off the rails completely and the other one is struggling and withdrawn as they just don't know how to deal with life.

Maybe a pretty extreme example though, only you know how lax you are being.

I think I'm quite easygoing with mine, but they know about manners, routine and discipline. You just need to make sure they are equipped for the reality of life, they won't be able to just do what they want!

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Families
avenue1 · 24/10/2023 23:32

It's not that all of us who physically restrain our toddlers into their buggies enjoy it, we just know it's for the greater good. We are the adults and have more knowledge and wisdom that the children. I know my daughter will stop fussing in a minute, and she can understand 'go to tots' or whatever the group is. It would be silly of me to allow my upset come before her enjoyment and development. So I take the role of the parent, put her in the buggy and we go.

I find the rigid child has pauses in their tensing. The trick is to not fight the stiffness, but wait to buckle in during a floppy moments, buggy laying flat is possible. Shove the snack in hand and quick March.

It's clear you love your child, just be clear on how to love them best and what the most loving thing to teach them is. You're their parent, not servant, friend or pedestal.

SomePosters · 24/10/2023 23:32

As gently as possible it is your job to teach him to take no for an answer.

I know how hard it is to say the thing that feels like a trigger word but you NEED to get them over losing their shit at being told no before they are big enough to hurt someone.

Please, for all our kids sakes

ChickenNugget6 · 24/10/2023 23:33

I think it really depends on the child's social circle. This kind of parenting is basically - let your child figure it out.

If you have a child who is an only child, when they get to the real world with other kids, this behaviour can be problematic. Some "feral" children are also not very feral and are just running wild in limited spaces/situations.

If you have a child who is growing up with multiple siblings and a bigger family. They probably will learn a lot by getting told off or experiencing natural consequences.They will learn that they can't always have their own way as another child/adult will let them know that. You are more likely to be their "safe" space in this scenario, but ofcourse there still needs to be a balance from the parent of what they allow.

I raise my children in the feral manner you describe but I am firm on things that I will always be firm about. I am very laid back and have a huge family so my children in my family learn very quickly what they can and can't get away with.

catnipevergreen · 24/10/2023 23:33

Children need (and thrive on) routines and boundaries. I worked with children in a country where they were brought up with mainly nannies and no boundaries/discipline or consequence for bad behaviour and they were a nightmare when coming to school.
They will find it hard to settle at school and follow "the rules". There is no way that you should be waiting on him to put down a toy in a shop. What would happen if you were in a hurry ? My son refused the buggy and screamed but I just had to persevere as I had places to go.

Original poster
Fruitcakesanddogs · 24/10/2023 23:35

WinterDeWinter · 24/10/2023 23:30

Excellent post.

Show quote history

I guess my reasoning behind not taking things from him unless I absolutely have to, is because I think he is going to have stuff snatched from him from other children all the time. It’s happened a few times at playgroup already, he gets upset, I give him a cuddle and then he cracks on with playing. So he is learning that shit happens and he is learning how to bounce back. I guess I am hoping that if I try to model good behaviour instead then he will learn to be kind that way. Life is tough for kids anyway, so he has plenty of opportunities to experience sadness.

OP posts:
TheFairyCaravan · 24/10/2023 23:35

You’re making a rod for your own back imo.

Atm your toddler is in charge. He chooses when to leave the shop or if he wants to go in his buggy or not. You don’t want to say no to him or make him do something he doesn’t want to for fear of upsetting him it would appear. What are you going to do when he needs to go to school and he just doesn’t fancy it? Or the teacher tells him he needs to tidy up and sit on the carpet but he’s not in the mood for that?

Children need boundaries. They’re good for them. There’s a huge difference between ruling with a rod of iron and having some boundaries in place for your child.

Saggypants · 24/10/2023 23:35

He’s extremely loving and affectionate with me and his extended family (lots of kisses and cuddles) which I think could be helped by not shouting at him etc

Firstly, having boundaries around good behaviour doesn't = shouting.

Second, toddlers with boundaries around good behaviour are also affectionate and love cuddles and kisses.

saraclara · 24/10/2023 23:37

Negative experiences I have had I guess include the fact that I don’t ever feel I can take him nice places like a restaurant or a museum.

If you can't take him to either of those places, then you're not doing positive gentle parenting. You're doing parenting so liberally that you're restricting his experiences of life, and ultimately his relationships and yours with friends and family. Invited out for a family birthday meal? You and he can't be part of it. Invited on a day out, or to a children's theatre show with another mum and kid/s? You can't, because he can't cope.

You can do better by him. You don't have to turn into an authoritarian, but you do have to equip him for life and to be able to join in with friends and family and enjoy new experiences

BennePetricka · 24/10/2023 23:38

Definitely don’t recommend I did that and my kid yells and cusses at me all the time and when I tell him something he thinks he can do his own thing and not listen.

Lovepeaceunderstanding · 24/10/2023 23:38

A very, very different approach to parenting than the one I employed. My boys are now 33 and 29. They are both wonderful people with great marriages and children.
I didn’t teach them to be self centred and I hope that will stand them in good stead. I really don’t understand the approach you’re taking, I can’t see it ending well…

babysharkdoodoodedoodedoo · 24/10/2023 23:39

Brilliantly! My kids are calm, confident, polite, kind, clever and funny. I had a relaxed parenting style with them including relaxed routines and now they’re very laid back and hard to phase. My friends always comment on how happy and calm they are.

babysharkdoodoodedoodedoo · 24/10/2023 23:40

(Calm as in they never get upset, not weird calm zombie children 😂)

Because I gave them a lot of freedom when young they’re also very well behaved now because I think they know that when rules are implemented they’re important? Rather than literally everything being a rule, even the small things, like some parents do.

ChickenNugget6 · 24/10/2023 23:41

Wait a minute, does feral in this case mean no rules or boundaries? ... I am interpreting it as you let your child lead and assist them/place boundaries as you go along. For example, I don't put DC age 1 in the push chair because he doesn't like it. (I also want to encourage walking) So, he has to walk but if he gets tired he is in the push chair... I am not carrying him. He has the option to explore but this is within my limits. To some a 1 yo wal
lking in city centre may be feral but to me it is him exploring...

Rogue1001MNer · 24/10/2023 23:42

MonkeyPuddle · 24/10/2023 22:54

Gentle parenting isn’t a lack of boundaries.

For well researched parents, this is correct.

But this method is also adopted by the lazy parent, and the parent (perhaps blinded by love) who doesn't want/can't bring themselves to be in any way authoritarian .

I find it very sad.

Those children have no resilience

avenue1 · 24/10/2023 23:42

You stay in a shop until he out the thing down? Thats not an opportunity to teach him how to not snatch. It's a chance to teach him organisation, matching, colours, tidiness and respect for property. My 20 month old constantly picks stuff up- ' put it back please' said politely to her- and she does. Fuss free, relational shopping and positive praise. O you need to think of your child more.

Saggypants · 24/10/2023 23:43

babysharkdoodoodedoodedoo · 24/10/2023 23:40

(Calm as in they never get upset, not weird calm zombie children 😂)

Because I gave them a lot of freedom when young they’re also very well behaved now because I think they know that when rules are implemented they’re important? Rather than literally everything being a rule, even the small things, like some parents do.

Did you do that by actively avoiding any situation where there might be 'rules', though? That seems very limiting, for them and for you.

Milarky · 24/10/2023 23:44

I reeeeeally want to leave, I’ll try and wait until he’s finally dropped it himself before we go

Interesting thread OP. I have no skin in the game my kids are young adults.

May I ask why you don't tell to leave the toy as you need to leave. What benefits are you giving him by letting be "feral"?

How do you think that will work out when he goes to nursery or school and the teacher tells him what to do? Either for safety or general classroom schedule.

Why would you let your child start school thinking the world revolves around him? Will it not be a shock to him and would it be too late to in his development to change his thinking?

Like I said it makes not a difference to me how you bring your child up, and I've not read any research on what you hope to achieve by this kind of parenting.

I'm genuinely interested in your thinking behind why you would just stand there waiting for a toddler to let go of a toy in his own time. What does he benefit out of it?

Itwasamemo1 · 24/10/2023 23:45

I was a relaxed Mum with my three as children/ teenagers but I was very strict about manners, no means no and boundaries when they were toddlers. They did not interrupt,they did as they were told,they shared toys and were polite with other people. They had a lot of freedom as teenagers,not too many restrictions and they are now lovely,considerate adults . I do firmly believe that the first 5 years is so important with discipline.

Saggypants · 24/10/2023 23:46

But I guess I'd be more calm and happy too if I just lived my life without a thought for all those little 'rules' that make society more pleasant for others.

dicedicebaby · 24/10/2023 23:50

One of my family had a free range toddler. She's now a teenager with no work ethic who thinks she can do as she pleases with no consequences.

TheaBrandt · 24/10/2023 23:50

It can be unfair on the child if they are indulged and given no boundaries they gradually piss off their peers who eventually get fed up and reject them. The child we know who was very indulged struggles socially. Verruca salt like Tantrums don’t endear you to your peer group when you are 13.

Original poster
Fruitcakesanddogs · 24/10/2023 23:54

Milarky · 24/10/2023 23:44

I reeeeeally want to leave, I’ll try and wait until he’s finally dropped it himself before we go

Interesting thread OP. I have no skin in the game my kids are young adults.

May I ask why you don't tell to leave the toy as you need to leave. What benefits are you giving him by letting be "feral"?

How do you think that will work out when he goes to nursery or school and the teacher tells him what to do? Either for safety or general classroom schedule.

Why would you let your child start school thinking the world revolves around him? Will it not be a shock to him and would it be too late to in his development to change his thinking?

Like I said it makes not a difference to me how you bring your child up, and I've not read any research on what you hope to achieve by this kind of parenting.

I'm genuinely interested in your thinking behind why you would just stand there waiting for a toddler to let go of a toy in his own time. What does he benefit out of it?

So I guess my reasoning is …. we’ve walked into a shop, and he is excited and wants to pick up a dinosaur for example. I don’t mind him looking at all the different toys and picking them up. I’m in no rush. 5 minutes pass and I want to leave the shop now but he’s still holding a dinosaur and walking round with it. So far his communication has not been good enough yet for me to explain that I want to leave the shop and need him to put the dinosaur back. I try anyway and I explain to him that he should put it back… but he doesn’t want to. It’s his day out as well as mine so I respect that he wants a bit longer to play. I leave it for up to five minutes and hope he puts the toy down. If he does then great, I don’t need to snatch off him and we can continue our day without a tantrum. If he doesn’t put it down then I will take it off him, which I don’t like doing but I eventually do.

My son has three years till he starts school. As his communication improves (it has come on leaps and bounds just in the last month) I will be firmer with boundaries. But so far it has felt fairly pointless when he doesn’t understand what I’m saying.

OP posts: