Parents who let your toddlers run feral, how are your kids now?

[Fruitcakesanddogs]

I have a 23 month old. I am very relaxed with him. He’s messy, loud and basically a complete hurricane. I try to just let him do his thing, unless of course he’s going to harm someone else or is really annoying someone.

I know some people don’t like this kind of parenting. If that’s you then fair enough. However I am interested in hearing from parents who did take a more relaxed approach with their toddler. How did it turn out for you?

I completely agree with this and I think this is the balance you want to find.

Kids need rules and boundaries, it’s how they learn what’s wrong and right and stops them from coming to/causing harm.

But you don’t have to be overly strict and they can still be allowed to have fun and be kids.

There’s a middle ground.

Buggy.......you tickle their tummy and they automatically bend😂if that doesn't work you force it by using your knee as an extra hand!

Not sure where the saying comes from but 'show me a boy at 7 and I will show you the man' is so true. Children need boundaries, they like rules, it makes them feel safe. It does not have to be done in an authoritarian manner but with a calm, kind explanation, they understand a lot more than you think even before they are speaking much.

So the buggy thing - mine was similar with the car seat but obviously it was non negotiable so I used to sometimes paste on a big smile and pretend to be the tickle monster and when he would crease up I’d buckle him up quick smart. Then he would scream in annoyance and I would just calmly say “ we have to go home now and you have to sit in a car seat because it’s safe” and I’d give him a book or sing him a song etc.

Thats what Id do with the buggy - explain why he needs to go in, then do the tickle and buckle, then hand him something to distract him, like a book or favourite toy.

I guess it’s very rare that I ever NEED to put him in a buggy. My mum helps with childcare so if I had something urgent like a doctors appointment she would probably have him. He’s also an only child so I don’t have to do a school run or take the other kid to a club etc. it’s generally just me and my toddler doing what we want for the day. So if he doesn’t want to go in his buggy, I just think ‘oh well, we’ll drive somewhere instead’ I would find it upsetting to physically restrain him just to
take him to a park or other toddler activity

Yeh you have to force them in/restrain them. It's the same for car seats..they go rigid and don't want to go on. Tough titty. They have to go.

What you are describing is not what I would consider feral. Feral is running about in a nappy after dark while your many siblings race up and down the road on small motorbikes and jump in and out of the skip that’s always in the driveway. Ok that’s a specific example but it’s one I know of. I don’t know how those kids turned out as they did a midnight flit after an associate of the parents lobbed a brick through the window. My point is, your parenting is nowhere near anything approaching feral.

So what happens when he’s older and doesn’t want to go to nursery or school and has been brought up to think he can always have his own way?

Was about to write pretty much this.

Boundaries are not bad for a child. You are not being mean in enforcing them. Telling him no and watching him get upset or tantrum is hard but necessary for his own benefit. You are actually doing him a massive disservice if you wrap him on cotton wool so he never experiences being thwarted or frustrated, told no, or asked to consider anybody else’s interests or feelings.

Apart from the impact this has on others, he’s going to grow up and have to navigate the world as an adult. The world can be tough and life is hard at times. Your job as a parent is to equip him with the skills and attitudes he needs to get through with resilience and grit. This approach won’t do that.

Depends on the child, I would say. I kind of had the same parenting style as you. My child is 10 now and struggles with listening. He absolutely hates being asked to do anything. It is a big issue for us, but he is diagnosed with autism, adhd and odd, so I can't tell if his inability to listen now is caused by my parenting when he was younger or if it's the autism/adhd or a mix of both. Kids need boundaries and rules. But like I said, it all depends on the child.

Anyone I know who parented like this when their kids were toddlers eventually had to start enforcing very firm boundaries. Some at 3/4yo, some at 8, but they all eventually cracked because it's hard and ultimately not what makes the kids happy. However their kids are all gorgeous and they continued to parent them with so much love, thoughtfulness and plenty of listening. They have great relationships with their tweens/young adults.

I only have experience of my niece and nephew. There were a lot of problems when (younger) niece arrived, as nephew was pretty horrible to her. And he could wreck any family get together. He didn't really get any better until he was was late primary school.

As adults, being allowed to do whatever she wanted seems to have resulted in niece being creative and the sibling relationship is now fine, though she still carries resentment at her parents not protecting her more. Nephew seems a decent enough adult, and is generally kind and helpful when I see him, though apparently he can still be hard work.

You can have boundaries and say no without shouting.

Are you worried about him getting worked up and upset or are you worried about other adults seeing him worked up and upset and thinking badly of you so you avoid those situations?

I very much believe in gentle parenting - firm boundaries held with kindness and respect, no time out or naughty step, natural consequences etc. I found the toddler years very difficult in terms of behaviour (very very often went into shouty angry parent mode instead of gentle but it only over escalated the meltdowns, never helped). Felt like my son was feral. But he was always an angel at childcare even as a toddler, and now is a super well behaved, helpful, kind, sociable 6 year old at home and school. So i think you'll be fine.

Yeah I regret using that word - my mum just often jokes that my son is feral! But I don’t just leave him to do what he wants. I engage with him all day and so far he is a lovely soul. However I mean that my approach would be considered too relaxed by some (e.g some replies have been surprised that I don’t put my son in his buggy if he’s resisting).

Adult now, very bright and capable, brilliant socially and very good at solving problems. Wish I'd been more like that with older kids but DS was youngest and I was more confident in letting him make his own choices, risks and mistakes, within reason. Best thing I ever did.

Not me but an old friend.

First kid - teenager. No rules. No boundaries. No discipline of any sort when younger. As a teenager would not go to school at all and failed all exams, infact, didn't sit any exams at all. Was going away to her boyfriends for days at a times and not communicating. Was experimenting with weed. Was shouting, swearing hitting when not getting own way or being told no for something, eg, having her boyfriend over to house. Did not like being told what to do or being given instructions.

Her younger child, last seen her aged 7 and was a complete nightmare to be around. Would continously interrupt conversations. Plonk herslef on your knee and refuse to get off. Shout Mum, Mum, Mum over & over again throughout conversation. Always saying, watch me, look what I can do. Had the worst tantrums I had ever seen in a child. Struggled to maintain any friendships. Would absolutely not share any of her toys. The list is goes on. My own dd didn't like being around her and eventually we stopped making any playdates and for other reasons the frienship came to an end and haven't seen them in a couple of years

Children need boundaries and positive reinforcement.

I just think feral children equals lazy parenting. It’s not about letting a child ‘explore’, it’s usually due to parents who really can’t be arsed to parent, because they look on it as too much hard work. Op admits to not being able to actually go anywhere outside the home because her dc would I assume cause a lot of annoyance with other people. I think that’s going to prove pretty isolating if you can’t socialise with others because you haven’t parented your child.

Wow, I never thought of it like this. That's so interesting and makes a lot of sense. This is definitely one of those posts I'll never forget. Thanks for this.

There is a HUGE difference between "run[ning] feral" and being a typical, inquisitive, "busy" toddler.

There is also a big difference between "gentle parenting" and a lack of boundaries! Being gentle doesn't mean all boundaries and expectations are out of the window and a child can just do whatever the feck they want. I often think that when some people say, "You need to be firmer," what they really mean is that you should be shouting at your child, or putting in to place disciplinary tactics that are too difficult for a toddler to comprehend.

Sorry for any confusion - we go out for at least two hours every day. I drive him as he doesn’t mind his car seat, or we will (very, very slowly) walk to a local park.

I have 3 children. My youngest was a nightmare. Had horrendous tantrums on a regular basis. His favourite time was before work/school when he needed to get in his car seat. I couldn't faff about waiting until he decided he was ready. I had to get to work and my other 2 kids had to get to school. Yes, I got him in even when he went rigid.
Even though I say so myself, my sons are all now lovely, caring, balanced adults.
Your job as a parent is to get them ready for the world. Sometimes it is hard. Sometimes it's exhausting. Sometimes it's upsetting when they cry. But it's your job as a parent to do it anyway because you love them.

Giving children boundaries is a sign of love. It's saying that I am here to keep you safe. Follow this boundary and you will be safe. Not giving them that results in insecure adults. The most secure and happy adults were given firm boundaries and lots of love as children.
The age your child is at now is the age where your job is to show him how to deal with his emotions. That is a gift you must give him. Think of it that way if you find it hard. You are giving your child the gift of balance, happiness and security.

My DNephew is gentle parented by his DM, he’s responded in kicking her and hitting her (sometimes not all). He’s actually very good generally but doesn’t like being told no, so eg at DM’s house he jumps on and off the sofas including the tops of them. I don’t invite him round my house that much now. Last Friday I had to pick him up from school and take him to a naice fish n chip shop for dinner. He got bored quickly and tried to put all the sugar cubes into my hot cup of tea despite me saying no and holding it out of reach. It’s a shame because he’s a lovely kid but my DB is the only one who disciplines him properly and is firm with him and sets boundaries. DNephew’s DM does try to set boundaries though.

My eldest did the rigid thing at car seat time. You only need a split second to bend them and keep them in that position (and yes, that's a kind of force but it's a necessary one) and tickling does the trick.

Every single time that he 'wins' and you give up on putting him in the buggy, it teaches him that he's in control and that you are not. Kids need to know that their parents are in control, because their parents are their protectors. If he can't trust you to win the battle of the buggy, he can't trust you to be the person who keeps him safe. It's not about power in a bad way. It's about power in the sense of you being his protector.

My parents 'gentle parented' me and I've turned out OK (lawyer, fairly responsible person). I would say that my upbringing has given me more positives than negatives, I feel far more free to just do what I want than a lot of my peers but it hasn't affected me being successful at life. I was a bit of an arse as a kid but as an adult I'm doing pretty OK! My sister is raising my nephew in the same way and so is my brother with my nieces, and they're the best kids. Keep doing what you're doing OP!

This is interesting as I was going to start a similar thread earlier on today around this 😂
So with my eldest, I guess I would say we "gentle parent" but with firm boundaries. Maybe traditional Montessori, so she's always been allowed to explore, and so she's very confident and happy socially. She pretty much has free reign, but there are strong boundaries that are non negotiable. Sitting at the table for meals, good manners, brushing teeth and hair, no shouting and screaming. She's great! But naturally a big personality that needs reigning in from time to time.

My older brother and his wife were very much permissive to the extreme with my nephew. There were no rules...none. Their kid has never been told "no", never been told he can't have anything. Screens all the time, unmonitored so he was watching some horrendous videos and they had no idea. He wouldn't brush his teeth so they all rotted and had to be pulled out. He's a teen now and is just awful to be around. He has awful table manners, no boundaries, behaves in a gross way....it's very true that toddlers without boundaries become adults without boundaries. He struggles socially (to put it gently) and has no friends. There's no way you could go out for tea l or to the cinema or a day out with him. It would be unbearable. It's actually really sad as I love my family but me, dh and the kids really don't like spending time with them anymore. My mum finds it really difficult, as does my grandma. His behaviour is just appalling and his parents are frankly negligent.