Parents who let your toddlers run feral, how are your kids now?

[Fruitcakesanddogs]

I have a 23 month old. I am very relaxed with him. He’s messy, loud and basically a complete hurricane. I try to just let him do his thing, unless of course he’s going to harm someone else or is really annoying someone.

I know some people don’t like this kind of parenting. If that’s you then fair enough. However I am interested in hearing from parents who did take a more relaxed approach with their toddler. How did it turn out for you?

Well surely that’s the last time you go out with your friend and her 3 year old angel?!

My DDs were feral according to many. I suppose they were a bit. But there were boundaries. Negotiables and non negotiables. But I definitely tried to let them be themselves. I avoided saying no and instead asked them if they thought what they were doing was wise etc and explained if I didn’t want them to do something. No was saved for extreme circumstances! They’re teens now and they’re great young women. Pretty confident, politely assertive, can say how they feel as a norm, fair and think for themselves … I think there’s a lot of pressure on children to ‘behave’. We have to do that as adults … children need to be allowed to be children imo.

Sums up my dc too. I can’t stand ‘contained’ children that can’t be childlike and have fun. I feel it leads to mh problems and low self esteem.

Surely what we're aiming and searching for here is self control. This can be gained without 'being controlled '
Yes, but the problem is that people who are permissive parents seem to view anything that isn't addressing an immediate safety concern as being controlling.

The parents who respectfully hold appropriate boundaries (like not charging around cafes/shops, not helping yourself to anything off the shelves) and support their children to learn appropriate behaviour are the ones teaching self control.

Parents who let their children run wild in most environments, place developmentally inappropriate levels of control and responsibility on the shoulders of children, and try to prevent their children experiencing normal feelings aren't teaching self control.

God I had no trouble with mine. If they were being a pain they were told to knock it off. This hand wringing about being firm is frankly bizarre. Its like our generation are terrified of being in charge. You need to teach them to fit in with the world for their own and everyone elses sake. Our teens are NEVER rude to us. We wouldn't put up with it. Horrified by how some of my friends kids talk to them. Over. My. Dead. Body.

It doesn't help when it's called gentle parenting, which by definition, makes pretty much everything else harsh parenting.

Although I'd rather be deemed a harsh parent than bring up children with no consideration for other people's feelings. Or disruptive to other pupils because everything has to revolve around them.

Just my view but you're not setting your kids up to be successful or happy in life if they're unable to follow basic rules and good manners.

You can be firm, fair, clear, loving and in charge without being Miss Trunchball.

Kids prefer it. The firm but fair teachers were always the most well liked and respected not the sappy "pick me"" lets be friends" adults. Kids don't actually like or respect that.

My friend let her toddler run feral - she is now 10 and doesn't respect boundaries. Not a particularly plesant child tbh.

Same as @Dalhoussie however many years further down the road. Hugely dependent on child’s personality I think, so hard to generalise. For us naughty step, routines etc never worked but always set clear boundaries on simple things like respecting others and kindness. DD now 4th year med student, kind, single minded, shares almost too much sometimes 😱😀and loving life!

Watched a parent telling their 2 year old not to use a mild swear word by using stronger swear words. A few years later they are trying to get their child diagnosed with something as there has to be something wrong beyond poor parenting. The child was NT and now at 23 is a thoroughly unpleasant individual with few friends who cannot understand why he might have to work.

Didn't have time to read whole thread, but have you read up on gentle parenting?
It doesn't mean no boundaries but I'm not an expert so I won't try to explain it.
Think it would fit with your parenting style though.

I think one of the main things, rather than dwelling on naughtiness, is giving your DCs your time and attention. Being interested in what they say, enjoying their company when you are out.

Unfortunately long hours working and everyone on phones and games means this happens less.

Gentle parenting and no boundaries entirely I think are very different. I don’t consider myself a ‘gentle’ parent. I have firm boundaries, say no, take iPad away if he doesn’t listen etc. he knows what’s expected of him and I tell him off when it’s needed. Fortunately he’s a really good boy and very considerate and kind and pretty chilled, but has his moments.

However I have friends who are ‘gentle’ parents. Before school it’s been fine and seemed to work. Their kids are really sweet. I suspect this is because they’ve always gotten their way.

However where they struggle is when starting school….reallllly struggle. They suddenly have a timeline to manage, have to go certain places at certain times and do things they may not want too. They refuse and push back and then get a name for themselves as being troublemakers or kids who don’t listen. This doesn’t set them up for a positive academic experience for the upcoming years and subsequently makes life quite difficult. They’re bright but not able to learn in the style of school so find it challenging.

As for the older child they’re quite selfish.

kids need to be told no. It’s life. We all get told no. Telling them no helps them understand how to manage their emotions when they don’t get what they want. Otherwise how do they cope when being told as adults? How do they manage a schedule if they’ve never had one or done what they want. How do they know what’s expected of them or how to put others first if they are always number 1?

I just think it works before school then the reality hits and it isn’t all it’s cracked upto be for child or parent as the period of adapting is quite a rapid one. Always exceptions of course - if it’s a really chilled child.

Your child is under 2 so they’re going to behave the way you’ve described. Normal behaviour. However how you respond to it needs to be considered perhaps. I suspect you know that as you’re considering it and seeking advice though.

@PloddingAlong21 That is not gentle parenting. That is permissive parenting as is completely different.

Gentle parenting also has the more accurate name of authoritarian parenting.

I too remember when I had a very small child (with very little agency) and thought I knew absolutely everything about parenting and what I will and won't allow. Your child is still in nappies. No he doesn't understand everything.

100% don’t think I know everything about parenting, but what I certainly do know is that I wouldn’t want to allow my child to be ‘that child’ that grows up thinking rules do not apply because they had a parent that thought they didn’t need to ‘parent’. My child might be in nappies, but if I say no to my child he completely understands and stops what he is doing. That is fact.

@KevinHoho I don't get the kids interrupting conversation thing.
With mine, whenever I am talking to someone and they come up and interrupt, I've always posed and said 'sorry, talking to so and so, just wait til we're done' and then ignored them.
Then made a point of saying 'ok we're finished, what did you want'.
Kids aren't stupid and if you do it every time, they learn basic politeness very easily.

Paused not posed, obviously.
Although random posing could be fun.

UpAllNight32
There is a big difference between saying you want to raise your children have manners and behave themselves and acting like you've got it all sussed as the parent of a 1 year old because you say "no".

I agree with you about not wanting my DC to be the annoying children who interrupt all the time, who don't behave, who are annoying to people, who run around and treat everywhere as a playground. I can also tell you now that if you think you're going to have an easier ride getting there because you say "no" to your 1-year-old then you're going to get a shock.

My child might be in nappies, but if I say no to my child he completely understands and stops what he is doing. That is fact.

If my husband says “no” to our cats they stop what they’re doing* - it doesn’t mean they understand everything he says.

*They take no notice whatsoever if I say “no” to them because I absolutely am a permissive cat parent and they know it

@UpAllNight32

lol. The child obeys your “no” easily precisely because the child is still in nappies.
come back when they are 4 🤣 takes a lot more effort than just simply saying no

It’s less often the case than not but I think sometimes kids interrupt because they don’t know how else to get their parents’ attention. I know one 9-year-old who will stand up mid-conversation and announce “I want to talk about something else now” - I know he’s spent a lot of mealtimes sitting in front of an iPad so I think he just doesn’t really get how conversation works.

I could have probably described my daughter as ‘feral’ (and did), I would say I gentle parented because I was exhausted. Now she is a lovely (often calm) 12 year old with a wild and very creative side. A year ago she was diagnosed as autistic (and I also think adhd) which could be why some of these ‘wild’ children turn into ‘wild’ adults rather than just the parenting they had (not all though!). I parented my second daughter in the same way and she’s calm, quiet and sensible (but always has been).

If you're asking the question then you are questioning your choices!
Children need boundaries, rules and expectations.

Someone I know taught their kids to rest their hands on her arm when they want her attention but she’s speaking to someone else. She gives their hands a pat to acknowledge them but waits until she’s done talking to whoever before turning to them. It works great with her children and I plan to implement it when mine’s old enough!