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Original poster

Endless present buying for friend’s DC

530 replies

Whenisone · 10/10/2023 12:22

Old school friend has 4 DC ranging from 5 to 13. Her husband is a very high earner, she is a stay at home mum. She is a lovely person and I do care very much about her.

However, since her DC were born I have religiously bought them birthday and Christmas gifts. Friend usually reminds me a couple of weeks in advance and says what they’d like, the budget has gradually crept up and the presents usually cost £20-30.

Issue is that I have 1 DC. Friend totally forgot my DC’s birthday last year, and has just forgotten again. For Christmas last year she gave DC a selection box. I spent £200+ on presents for her DC through the year.

Last night we were chatting and she said she’d send me her DCs’ Christmas list. I said that I was just planning on sending some sweets for the DC. My friend went quiet then burst into tears and said that her DC really look forward to opening their presents from me, and are already excited about it. They don’t have any grandparents so don’t have many external presents.

So I agreed to keep buying, but I really don’t want to. I can afford it but I resent the expectation and lack of effort for my own DC. Am I just being mean? How do I get out of this and keep my friend?

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 10/10/2023 12:25

Am I just being mean?

No, you’re being a mug.

CF-I’m sure your kids love having me spend £30 on toys for them every birthday and Xmas but you have 4 children and it costs me hundreds. My daughter might look forward to opening presents from you as well-we won’t know that, as you don’t actually send any. I won’t be sending any more going forward, I’m sure you’ll understand why.

Do you have cash to throw away??

ComtesseDeSpair · 10/10/2023 12:26

Tell her that a) you’re disappointed that she doesn’t bother with your child and b) the present requests are becoming too expensive. If she falls out with you having heard those entirely reasonable justifications for stopping the buying, is this a great loss?

User562377 · 10/10/2023 12:26

I'm not very patient with this sort of thing so I would just say

"I've spent £xx on your kids this past year and you didn't even remember my dc's birthday and only gave her a selection box for Christmas. I'm not going to keep spending all that money. I'll send a token present so they can still have something from me to open.'
Then buy them each a book and a box of maltesers.

Or a more tactful response would be "you only bought dd a selection box last Christmas and didn't buy her anything at all for her birthday so I figure we're done with expensive gifts and that's fine by me"

Interested in this thread?

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Christmas Families General shopping
WaltzingWaters · 10/10/2023 12:27

Shinyandnew1 · 10/10/2023 12:25

Am I just being mean?

No, you’re being a mug.

CF-I’m sure your kids love having me spend £30 on toys for them every birthday and Xmas but you have 4 children and it costs me hundreds. My daughter might look forward to opening presents from you as well-we won’t know that, as you don’t actually send any. I won’t be sending any more going forward, I’m sure you’ll understand why.

Do you have cash to throw away??

First response has it. Just stop.
have you said anything about your child not receiving a present from them?

androidnotapple · 10/10/2023 12:27

"Last night we were chatting and she said she’d send me her DCs’ Christmas list. I said that I was just planning on sending some sweets for the DC. My friend went quiet then burst into tears and said that her DC really look forward to opening their presents from me, and are already excited about it. They don’t have any grandparents so don’t have many external presents."

"I'm really sorry to hear that, but given that you don't remember my child's birthdays it feels a bit one-sided so let's just call it a day. You could buy them something and call it from me if you feel strongly about it"

Crikeyalmighty · 10/10/2023 12:28

I don't care how nice she is, she has an exceptionally unpleasant streak in there 'sending you lists' etc. what a cheeky cow

minipie · 10/10/2023 12:28

I suggest that she buys extra presents for her DC and labels them “love from Whenisone”. She can tell you what you’ve given them 😁. That way they still get the excitement and feeling of a wider “family” but without the effort and expenditure on your part which she clearly isn’t willing to reciprocate.

MumHereAgain2023 · 10/10/2023 12:28

God stop it now. Are you really that much of a pushover?

Justmuddlingalong · 10/10/2023 12:29

She's playing you like a 2 bob fiddle.
If her tears automatically made you backtrack, she's played a blinder on you.

35965a · 10/10/2023 12:29

She’s taking you for a mug and you’re allowing it

Gettingbysomehow · 10/10/2023 12:30

You are joking aren't you? You must be.
Her husband is a high earner, she forgets your DC's birthdays altogether and starts crying when you decide you are not doing this any more.
She sounds nuts.
Stop buying gifts for her children, she is a major CF and you are being played.
She's sending you a christmas list????? WTF!!!
If she doesn't want to be your friend if you stop gift giving then she isn't actually your friend. A true friendship is never based on money.

Wishimaywishimight · 10/10/2023 12:30

Seriously OP, stop being so bloody daft. She forgot your kid's birthday. Twice. Remind her of this next time she sends you a list and just say "this has gotten out of hand. Let's just drop the birthday presents altogether and just exchange small gifts for Christmas". Bursting into tears is utterly ridiculous and I'm afraid I would probably laugh at this.

If she kicks up a fuss be straight with her; "I am not buying any longer for your FOUR children when you consistently forget my ONE child."

Seriously, just STOP BEING A MUG.

CutiePatooties · 10/10/2023 12:32

I’m probably not the best person to give advice, as I just say it how it is and I accept that probably isn’t a way to keep friends.

I would meet up with her and just tell her the cost of presents has been creeping up year on year, so you’ve decided to budget for only x amount per child going forward, so can she only send things within that budget please?

I’d then send her my DC Christmas wish list every Christmas and send birthday present ideas for my DC 2 weeks before her birthday and if this friend didn’t reciprocate, I’d tell her I’m stopping the gifts now as it’s not fair on DC that she doesn’t get the same treatment.

purplecorkheart · 10/10/2023 12:32

How is she with money generally? Say when you go out for coffee etc?

She is either a massive massive CF or else is being financially abused.

Olika · 10/10/2023 12:34

And you agreed? No way would I be continuing this present buying!

OneLittleFinger · 10/10/2023 12:34

Send her an email with your child's birthday list and tell her she's really looking forward to getting her belated gift from her since she only got a selection box for Christmas list year and had missed two birthday gifts from her.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 10/10/2023 12:34

She is either a massive massive CF or else is being financially abused

Someone's being abused and it ain't the friend.

viques · 10/10/2023 12:35

If you want to still buy them presents then make them very basic. Mugs, or a pair of gloves, or beanie hats . Or as a pp said above a book or book token and a box of malteasers each. It is not your fault that the friend doesn’t have many relatives other friends to blackmail into buying presents for her children.

historyrepeatz · 10/10/2023 12:35

Do you give the presents to the children or to your friend? Just wondering if the children do really know the presents come from you. If you want to carry on giving her DC presents and have a relationship with them then do but if there is no relationship with the children then drop it down to sweets as you said. It's cfery to remind you and send you a list unless you asked for that when she doesn't think of your child.

peppapigworrrld · 10/10/2023 12:37

Send her a list with ideas for your DC - total value the equivalent of what you've spent on all her kids.

Shinyandnew1 · 10/10/2023 12:37

She is a lovely person

Really? She doesn’t sound like one.

viques · 10/10/2023 12:38

historyrepeatz · 10/10/2023 12:35

Do you give the presents to the children or to your friend? Just wondering if the children do really know the presents come from you. If you want to carry on giving her DC presents and have a relationship with them then do but if there is no relationship with the children then drop it down to sweets as you said. It's cfery to remind you and send you a list unless you asked for that when she doesn't think of your child.

That’s a thought, do the children send proper Thankyou letters ( not typed up by their mother and not even signed! ) or is the cf mother cutting off the gift labels and saying the gifts are from her.

LadyBitsnBobs · 10/10/2023 12:39

I would reply, “I hope you aren’t still feeling sad about the gift situation at Christmas. My dc sees me wrap the birthday and Christmas gifts - it’s a few hundred pounds every year - and it is so hurtful when dc realises you haven’t thought about them at all and birthday is forgotten and Christmas is just a supermarket selection box. Obviously I wouldn’t want your kids to be sad too, so how about you buy your kids gifts from now on and say they are from us, and I’ll do likewise on my side. I could buy something really smashing for the £200 I would have spent on your kids. That way everyone gets exactly what they want every year.”

sarahc336 · 10/10/2023 12:39

What a lovely friend she is 🙄🙄🙄 no way would I be accepting a Christmas list from a friend, who does she think she is. Sorry op but I think your generosity is mis placed on her 😁

RockStarship · 10/10/2023 12:44

historyrepeatz · 10/10/2023 12:35

Do you give the presents to the children or to your friend? Just wondering if the children do really know the presents come from you. If you want to carry on giving her DC presents and have a relationship with them then do but if there is no relationship with the children then drop it down to sweets as you said. It's cfery to remind you and send you a list unless you asked for that when she doesn't think of your child.

I was wondering this as well- the list plus the reaction you got yesterday seem so OTT that I'm suspicious that she has an ulterior motive.

Either way, stop this ridiculous present buying situation now. She's taking advantage of you and you're letting her.