Endless present buying for friend’s DC

[Whenisone]

Old school friend has 4 DC ranging from 5 to 13. Her husband is a very high earner, she is a stay at home mum. She is a lovely person and I do care very much about her.

However, since her DC were born I have religiously bought them birthday and Christmas gifts. Friend usually reminds me a couple of weeks in advance and says what they’d like, the budget has gradually crept up and the presents usually cost £20-30.

Issue is that I have 1 DC. Friend totally forgot my DC’s birthday last year, and has just forgotten again. For Christmas last year she gave DC a selection box. I spent £200+ on presents for her DC through the year.

Last night we were chatting and she said she’d send me her DCs’ Christmas list. I said that I was just planning on sending some sweets for the DC. My friend went quiet then burst into tears and said that her DC really look forward to opening their presents from me, and are already excited about it. They don’t have any grandparents so don’t have many external presents.

So I agreed to keep buying, but I really don’t want to. I can afford it but I resent the expectation and lack of effort for my own DC. Am I just being mean? How do I get out of this and keep my friend?

Yes, it may feel grabby, but the reality is that it is nowhere near as grabby as her sending you a list of her kids' present expectations twice a year...

Do you remind her of your dc bday in advance? Next time maybe it is time to suggest they are too old for it.

No Don't be guilted into continuing to buy for her
She doesn't even consider reciprocating for your one DC when she has four
She is unkind and grabby
Hell, I buy something for my neighbours little boy just because!
I think I would tell her now... before she sends the wish lists Bloody cheek
Bursting into tears is just to guilt trip you

Only on Mumsnet! There's another thread today from a woman who's scared to say no to a 13-year-old whining for Costa coffees.
Is this some genetic disorder where you're all born without backbones?
I'd fall over laughing if someone sent me an unsolicited Christmas list for their kids. Tell her good luck and they can send it up the chimney to Santa.

You've just got to put a stop to it OP. She literally sends you a list so quite clearly can just buy and wrap these gifts herself and present them to her own DC if it's that important to her. Any suggestion on her part otherwise is ridiculous and there is clearly not a mitigating issue of finances.

I'd just say no presents full stop and explain no further. I got into a similar situation buying for friends DC's (with new babies being added constantly as years go by) and adding up what I spent yearly was a real eye opener. I only buy for one friend's DC now who I see a couple of times a year (Xmas and during the summer) but have known her my whole life and she is invaluable as a friend. She wouldn't dream of sending a list, usually tells me to just buy them a book and although I have no DC to reciprocate she very obviously doubles the value of her gift to me and even send my dog xmas presents.

PS When your friend. burst into tears ... was it the kind of crying when you flutter your fingers under your eye-lashes and choke back emotion? But don't actually let your mascara get smudged? Or your eye-lashes fall in your prosecco?
I hope she put on a good performance!

Bringing up the lack of thought/ gifts for your dc feels grabby? And yet she's sending you fucking GIFT lists for hers???
I think that ship has sailed. And yes, perhaps she SHOULD feel mortified.

I just can’t with these threads. I just commented on the one about a niece demanding expensive coffees and the OP struggling with saying no.

I was just thinking this. So many OPs with I'm a Mug tattooed on their foreheads today. There's being a kind person when someone genuinely deserves it, and being taken for granted by a manipulative git.

OP I second a suggestion above about buying a family boardgame rather than separate presents. I would also be tempted to bang on about my lovely generous friends who remember to buy gifts for my child every year....

She is a cheeky cow.

Ignore her lists and just buy her kids her a selection box each without a word to her. If she every dared question it then you can happily bring up the fact she never bothered for your dcs birthday and her kids are getting older now so don't need "present lists" anymore.

Ok so you're being clear here that you're happy to be taken for a mug. It's not that hard to put a birthday in a diary, surely she'd think to herself, wait, I haven't gotten whenisone's DC a gift for quite some time.

Someone nice and someone thoughtful would make a point of either remembering birthdays or putting them in a diary seeing as you never forget her DCs.

What's the point of asking for help when you are making excuses for your friends cf. @Whenisone ????

You enjoy being a mug, so please stop making excuses for her and carry on buying presents for her precious brood whilst she gives you left over crap for your one and only child. If my friend treated my one and only child like that after me bending over backwards for her children, well all she'd be getting is this 🖕

Yes, depressingly, this place has more than its fair share of mugs and wet wipes.
There is another one today where the OP's new American 'partner' wants her to open a joint account with him over there to make it easier for them to share their finances. There is only one way that money is going but she just cannot see that she is being had by an absolute scammer.

It’s not just the money it’s the headspace!

So carry on spending hundreds on her kids whilst she gets yours nothing despite having a high earner Dh. Or, stop being such a bloody doormat and tell her she’s taking the piss. Why would you not pull her up on her not getting your child anything when she’s sending you lists for hers?! Major CF she is!

I’m afraid my answer would be ‘oh I thought we were not doing birthdays anymore. And only a token gesture for the dcs’.

And if she looks disappointed/doesn’t get it straight away, ‘explain’ that you are only following her lead.

Friend usually reminds me a couple of weeks in advance and says what they’d like

^

Does she now

To tone down the expense, how about getting each child a nice Xmas box and filling it with smaller inexpensive items to each individuals age, tastes etc.
my sister does this for friends children and they love it.
there’s loads of quirky, fun stuff on t internet, and they would have loads to open.

'Don't send me any list as we have decided we are not doing Christmas presents anymore' is all you need to say.

Repeat as often as you need to. Your friend is a user and probably well used to using her tragedy to manipulate.

She's not nice at all, she's a manipulative little cunt with a huge side helping of cheeky fucker. Bursting into tears? Her and her brats would be out of my life so fast!

Just read your second post. My father lost both his parents before he was ten years old, but he wasn't still boo-hooing about it into his thirties and beyond, nor was he constantly bewailing the fact that I didn't know my grandparents. She knows exactly what she's doing. You're a mug to fall for it, frankly.

I think it's absolutely fine to boo-hoo about losing your parents at a young age in tragic circumstances (although I'd say therapy would definitely be beneficial). But that doesn't mean the OP should feel guilt tripped into buying the friend's kids' gifts. Especially when it's not reciprocated for her own child.

She sounds an absolute joke!!!

You are being a doormat. Just say you’ll exchange sweets type of thing for kids. Stop spending so much.

@MrsDanversChickenSandwich So do I, but the OP's "friend" only turns on the tears when she's not getting her own way. Highly manipulative, and utterly despicable.

It never fails to astonish me, the sheer cheeky-fuckery some people put up with. From so-called ‘friends.’