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Original poster

Endless present buying for friend’s DC

530 replies

Whenisone · 10/10/2023 12:22

Old school friend has 4 DC ranging from 5 to 13. Her husband is a very high earner, she is a stay at home mum. She is a lovely person and I do care very much about her.

However, since her DC were born I have religiously bought them birthday and Christmas gifts. Friend usually reminds me a couple of weeks in advance and says what they’d like, the budget has gradually crept up and the presents usually cost £20-30.

Issue is that I have 1 DC. Friend totally forgot my DC’s birthday last year, and has just forgotten again. For Christmas last year she gave DC a selection box. I spent £200+ on presents for her DC through the year.

Last night we were chatting and she said she’d send me her DCs’ Christmas list. I said that I was just planning on sending some sweets for the DC. My friend went quiet then burst into tears and said that her DC really look forward to opening their presents from me, and are already excited about it. They don’t have any grandparents so don’t have many external presents.

So I agreed to keep buying, but I really don’t want to. I can afford it but I resent the expectation and lack of effort for my own DC. Am I just being mean? How do I get out of this and keep my friend?

OP posts:
FlynnD93 · 13/10/2023 10:50

My best F had a child, whom I bought ‘nice’ presents for every birthday and Christmas. My child arrived 4 years later and my BF bought ‘nice’ Christmas and birthday presents for her. Rolling forward 14yrs BF’s daughter turned 18 I helped with her party and I put £100 in her card. Aged 19 I just sent her a card as she was now an adult working, earning more than me. My daughter 4 yrs younger never received another present, card nothing from my BF ever again.
Stop this now OP it will end up with no friendship as she will continue to be a CF sending lists but nothing of any thought and value for your daughter.

Bollindger · 13/10/2023 10:51

Just tell her your so sorry money is really tight now and you have realised you can't afford to buy gifts anymore.
A friend won't care.

beanii · 13/10/2023 10:54

You're not mean. You're waking up to the fact that your 'friend' is using you.

Give what YOU want to give and don't let her guilt trips get to you.

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Castlerock44 · 13/10/2023 12:07

I don't see how she is "lovely" tbh.

NannyOggsWhiskyStash · 13/10/2023 12:36

Do you send a list over for gift ideas for your kid? If not, you need to start doing this.

Hmm1234 · 13/10/2023 12:37

What is going on with the bold present beggars! Tell her you can’t support her during the cost of living crisis but the Salvation Army is open

1mabon · 13/10/2023 12:55

Just don't do it. If she's a real friend she will understand.

Dontfencemein · 13/10/2023 13:00

Extremely rude to send over a list of what sort of presents to get unless you are specifically asked for this.

EngineeringMumof4 · 13/10/2023 14:03

I would say something along the lines of - ok, I'll carry on getting your kids presents, but here's the amazon list for my kid!

Ffion21 · 13/10/2023 14:08

Argh OP this is tough. I totally get your viewpoint and caution to reply here. I agree with all other posters but the situation developing over time and extracting yourself delicately is hard. Especially when really this woman is more like family than friend.

I think throwing the chocolate box calendar and birthday back at her so immediately will just lead to a heated argument and yes whilst totally accurate you clearly wish to avoid the hurt of doing this on both sides. Has she got financial issues or have massive Xmas splurges meaning she hasn’t left budget to get a nice gift for your DC?

One higher earner supporting 6 people and all bills may not go far depending on what “high” is. Maybe she is actually not as financially well off as assumed if she’s going bonkers at Xmas on 4 children too. The pressure to keep up with the Jones’ is a lot.

However she also doesn’t know your financial situation and she is being incredibly unfair here. I buy for my two nephews (DH and I are both high earners). My sister and BIL aren’t yet they definitely buy my son a pricier present to make up the fact we only have 1 DC. Her only getting an advent isn’t a coincidence - that’s been very thought through.

I also appreciate you don’t want to hurt the children either because you clearly love them and they appreciate it.

I think you say something like:

“I’ve been thinking more to our conversation the other day. I didn’t mean to upset you and I just wanted to discuss it more so the meaning behind the conversation was understood as I would hate for you to think I didn’t want to celebrate Christmas anymore.

I do want to get the kids all gifts. That’s not even a consideration. However as you know as kids get older toys become more expensive and with 4 children the price is becoming more and more each year. With everything generally becoming more expensive I am going to have to be more careful around outgoings and expenses, so will need to get the kids each something smaller this year.”

Thats a really gentle message which should make her consider someone other than herself.

If she forgets your daughters birthday next time you need to pull her up for it. If you don’t want to do that, simply buy the kids smaller birthday presents.

if she still throws a wobbly you need to point out how much you both spend as she’s being very selfish.

BettyPhuckzer · 13/10/2023 14:13

""Issue is that I have 1 DC. Friend totally forgot my DC’s birthday last year, and has just forgotten again.""

Why aren't you reminding her as she reminds you?

CaughtUpInYourWishingWell · 13/10/2023 14:21

Your making a lot of excuses for her.

She must realise she hadn't bought for your child in over a year. Is she generally extremely unaware of her actions? I mean, surely the average person would feel embarrassed that you get her kids loads and she forgets yours. It's ridiculous to be honest OP.

Look, I guess you have three options;

  1. tell her you can't afford to continue with the expensive presents so will be giving token or shared presents now. If she cries, comfort her but don't change decision. "I know friend, but I'm sure they know I love them regardless of the cost of the gift". "Sorry, friend, they'll be ok". Etc.

  2. send her a list of things your daughter would like, make it more expensive so she realises presents are bloody expensive. "Hey, on the thoughts of Christmas, my DD would love this for xmas if that's ok? She had asked for it ok her birthday last week but I didn't manage to pick it up. Can I check, are we still doing bday presents for each others kids?".

  3. forget. "Omg I'm so sorry what are we like!".

She's using you OP. You aren't her parents. You don't owe her kids more.

I grew up without grandparents and couldn't have care less. You don't miss what you don't know. I didn't even have uncles or aunts, literally just my immediate family who they themselves didn't go made on presents. It's really not a big deal.

Ffion21 · 13/10/2023 14:26

Also is she deeply unhappy because this is the weirdest thing to react about. You’re not their grandmother. Any gift if a thoughtful one is lovely.

She sounds a little unhinged.

Michellelovesizzy · 13/10/2023 15:30

She isn’t ur friends op x

VanillaImpulse · 13/10/2023 17:06

Doesn't look like OP is coming back...

AllstarFacilier · 13/10/2023 17:58

i was doing something similar with one of my friends. She did buy for mine, but she had several more children. She was sending me a list that hers wanted, and I was sending her mine, and it felt pointless. So we agreed that we’d each just buy for our own, but would put each other’s name on so the kids didn’t know. Could you suggest this for your friend?

SqueakyRadish · 13/10/2023 20:40

@Whenisone I know you've said that the friend didn't get your DD a gift for 2 years, and only gave a selection box at christmas... but what was she like prior to that? Is this a sudden change or has she always been shit at buying for your DD?

I think I would have to get in touch with her again and say something like "DD liked the selection box you got her last year, so I am just going to do something along those lines for yours"

Up to you if you want to put that down to cost of living, or ease of choosing or just not offer an explanation. But it acknowledges the difference while still saying you'll buy for the kids.

pollymere · 13/10/2023 23:25

Every year my child gets a gift from us and occasionally from my brother. I lost my parents young but I certainly don't ring up their godmother and remind her that she hasn't sent a present in ten years. Presents are erratic from other family members and received gratefully, even the totally inappropriate ones (age and interests wise!)

I bet her children look forward to their expensive gifts from you as it's something extra to open. I would point out that your child is sad they forgot their birthday and got a selection box for Christmas after theyd seen the expensive gifts you put love and time in to get her children.

Either you go low value or agree to no longer give gifts.

Cakepop101 · 14/10/2023 09:03

If you want to be tactful and rein it in at the same time maybe go for the cheaper presents this year but also send a list for your DC to remind her with a note saying though this list might be helpful for you as I know I always find your list helpful?! Very tricky situation but she is being selfish not returning the generosity you have shown her over the years! And it’s sad she does not see this. Why can’t your DC have the same joy about opening her presents that hers do about opening yours?!

BobbleHatBrigade · 14/10/2023 09:12

Would it be possible to ask if over a coffee, you could sit down and discuss how you both handle Birthday and Christmas gifts now she has 4 DC and you have only 1?
You can gently explain obviously by having 4, it's got a lot more expensive now, so can you both agree on a smaller budget which is more affordable for you and whatever that budget totals t for her 4, the equivalent is spent on your 1 DC from her to make it fair?

feralunderclass · 14/10/2023 09:39

I haven't RTFT but seeing as OP is asserting that her friend is a nice person, I will give her the benefit of the doubt. I've met people like this, wealthy people who are in their own bubble and can't see what most people see. Her behaviour is very much CF to anyone looking at it from the outside. But to her, she's not thinking about the money, she's thinking about your very lucky DC who has relatives to buy her presents and make Christmas magical. That's why your dc doesn't need presents. They have family, which is what counts. This of course doesn't make it right, so you need to match her. Give her your dc's list when she gives you hers. No explanations needed.

Banana1979 · 14/10/2023 10:44

ThatFlightyTemptressAdventure · 11/10/2023 13:36

If she is such a lovely person I can’t see why you can’t just gently tell her that you feel resentful. Remind her that she forgot your DC’s birthday again and that it is hurtful for her to say that you buying sweets for her children at Christmas is not acceptable when she sent your DC a selection box last year.

Either she will be horrified at her lack of awareness or she won’t. If it is the latter she’s not the lovely friend you think she is anyway.

If you leave it the resentment will ruin the friendship anyway. If you are sure she won’t react well to being told then it isn’t a balanced friendship because you can’t be honest with her about how she makes you feel. The only chance to save your friendship is to tell her.

This

Mumto6ac · 14/10/2023 11:20

Start reminding your friend about your child’s birthday & send her a Christmas list of presents your child would like. Just have a conversation about the fact that you feel it’s unfair that she doesn’t put as much thought into your child’s presents as you do into what you buy for hers

Sartre · 14/10/2023 11:54

You’re not mean in the slightest. I think your friend is grabby and entitled, not the markings of a particularly good friend… Weird she expects gifts for her kids and sends you a list like you’re an invested close relation. I get that you’re good friends but she isn’t even reciprocating for your DC.

Beautiful3 · 15/10/2023 04:08

I'm sorry but you need to grow a backbone. She doesn't care about you and your child's feelings when they get nothing from her, for birthdays and Xmas. Just stop with the presents completely. Her kids aren't going to cry or miss them. It's the mum that will get upset, which is self absorbed and crazy.

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