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Original poster

Endless present buying for friend’s DC

530 replies

Whenisone · 10/10/2023 12:22

Old school friend has 4 DC ranging from 5 to 13. Her husband is a very high earner, she is a stay at home mum. She is a lovely person and I do care very much about her.

However, since her DC were born I have religiously bought them birthday and Christmas gifts. Friend usually reminds me a couple of weeks in advance and says what they’d like, the budget has gradually crept up and the presents usually cost £20-30.

Issue is that I have 1 DC. Friend totally forgot my DC’s birthday last year, and has just forgotten again. For Christmas last year she gave DC a selection box. I spent £200+ on presents for her DC through the year.

Last night we were chatting and she said she’d send me her DCs’ Christmas list. I said that I was just planning on sending some sweets for the DC. My friend went quiet then burst into tears and said that her DC really look forward to opening their presents from me, and are already excited about it. They don’t have any grandparents so don’t have many external presents.

So I agreed to keep buying, but I really don’t want to. I can afford it but I resent the expectation and lack of effort for my own DC. Am I just being mean? How do I get out of this and keep my friend?

OP posts:

AxolotlEars · 11/10/2023 08:20

Having read your updates, you could continue to buy but ignore the lists. I think the person who is buying gets to decide the budget and gift.

TiredMummma · 11/10/2023 08:25

You are not being grabby at all.

Make sure she knows she missed your DC birthday and send her a list of what your DC would like. Do this separately to the conversation about her kids. It's not one against the other - they are two separate things.

If you are happy and like buying for her DC continue to do so. It's not ok not buy because she didn't buy for yours - that's petty.

Passepartoute · 11/10/2023 08:31

This year, go for a compromise that isn't on the list and is cheaper, but is a bit more than just a box of chocolates - but send a list of what your child would like, and remind her that your child has just had a birthday. Then start toning down friend's children's presents further each birthday and Christmas.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Christmas Families General shopping

GreekGod · 11/10/2023 08:32

omg - I am so shocked reading this post. That woman is not under any circumstances, your friend. I would keep away.

RowenaEllis · 11/10/2023 08:35

It's really not that complicated. You tell her you're sorry the kids will be disappointed but you just can't afford it now. You'd love to send them some Christmas sweets but you can't do big gifts anymore. Don't mention the lack of presents for your own child. She would have to be a hardcore bitch to argue with you saying you can't afford it!!

BeverleyMacker · 11/10/2023 08:38

Whenisone · 10/10/2023 12:50

I don’t want to drip feed, but friend lost her parents quite young in horrible circumstances. We’ve been friends a very long time, and it has taken her a long time to come to terms with it. I know she mourns the fact her DC dont have grandparents, so her crying wasn’t just for effect.
I do care about her DC (and they do thank me) but I just want to massively tone down the present buying.
Also, I would never pull her up on forgetting my DC’s birthday, as it feels grabby and I suspect she’d be mortified.

But she's being incredibly grabby. She's not a friend 😔

Oldladycat · 11/10/2023 08:38

I understand what you're saying and you sound like a lovely friend.

Gently though, it doesn't mean your friend gets to take advantage of you, consistently.

I would pick the right time and have a gentle chat with her. I'd explain that you absolutely understand where she is coming from but financially, you're just not able to keep buying these presents.

Maybe suggest an agreement where you each buy gifts for your children but say they are from each other. So you buy your child a gift and say its from friend and she does the same for her kids. And say, that way, her kids are not missing out and your child doesn't get forgotten.

From experience, people who are long suffering trauma or grief, however lovely they may be, can forget that the people supporting them also have lives, responsibilities and feelings - they can get caught up in their bubble. This may not be the case for your friend but its not your role as a good friend to always pander to it.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 11/10/2023 08:40

If you don’t feel you can address this-and I don’t know why not as you are such long standing friends, I would no longer be buying off her lists. When she sends the list-say thanks for that but I’ve already done my Christmas shopping, already bought their gift, just have to wrap it now.

I’d start toning it down and buying smaller and cheaper gifts. She knows what she’s doing if she doesn’t ask for a list of what your DD would like and just buys her a £2 selection box.

Miss93 · 11/10/2023 08:41

Whenisone · 10/10/2023 12:50

So, it seems to me she's using emotional blackmail to get you to do what she wants.

Hundreds of pounds is absolutely ridiculous,I don't spend that on my own kids.

If you can't tell her over the phone email or text her.
Just say you cannot afford it anymore.

Sunandsea26 · 11/10/2023 08:42

Wtf!! You have absolutely got yourself into a hole here OP - you are too kind and generous and should not be spending 20-30! It is so rude to send lists preemptively if you haven’t asked! I don’t even do that to my DCs grandparents!!
stand your ground and say you can’t afford it and your budget is now £5-10.

Amilliondollars · 11/10/2023 08:44

How come she has forgotten your dc’s birthday two years running yet you have provided presents for eight birthdays in that time?

She must be very forgetful and disorganised or just selfish and only thinking of what her kids are getting from you.

I would stick to your guns on the sweets or a small present and explain that like everyone you are cutting back this year.

Out of interest what does she get your child for Christmas?

Sunandsea26 · 11/10/2023 08:44

User562377 · 10/10/2023 12:26

I'm not very patient with this sort of thing so I would just say

"I've spent £xx on your kids this past year and you didn't even remember my dc's birthday and only gave her a selection box for Christmas. I'm not going to keep spending all that money. I'll send a token present so they can still have something from me to open.'
Then buy them each a book and a box of maltesers.

Or a more tactful response would be "you only bought dd a selection box last Christmas and didn't buy her anything at all for her birthday so I figure we're done with expensive gifts and that's fine by me"

I’d say something like this too!

grumpycow1 · 11/10/2023 08:45

If you’re friends, tell her how you feel. It hurts that she doesn’t remember your child’s birthday yet you are expected to make effort for hers. There is a cost of living crisis and you can no longer afford £200 plus per year on gifts. You are happy to give a little token each time. If she is a true friend she will understand.

billy1966 · 11/10/2023 08:45

God love you OP.

That you actually think it reasonable to be sent lists for 4 children for birthdays and Christmas and she can't gift your one child.

She is mean and grabby and that you have such unbelievably low expectations of your friendship of 30 years is sad.

You are 100% a mug, and boy does she know it.

I couldn't be friends with someone so absolutely mean, grabby and tacky.

Awful behaviour.

Thinkingpod · 11/10/2023 08:46

I was all ready to give it the whole "you don't buy to receive" but nope I'm wrong

Your friend is an ar5e. To completely ignore your child's birthday and Christmas but not just to expect but to bully and then give a list for her own kids is just completely out of order.

You have to have a firm talk and explain your not doing it anymore as she doesn't return the sentiment and you have your own kids to think about who also may want to get external gifts, or if you do carry on you make damn sure she includes your child in this bizarre expectation.

I'd also absolutely not he buying anything off a list of expected gifts. I have an absolute hatred for gift lists for kids. It's so entitled and so rude

mavornia · 11/10/2023 08:47

You said your friend would likely feel mortified if you mentioned that she had forgotten your child’s birthday but it simply must register with her that she hasn’t reciprocated whenever she is sending you lists and receiving your gifts for her children. You sound like a lovely, sympathetic friend but friendship works both ways and it says an awful lot about your friend that she is continuing to benefit from your generosity whilst making zero effort in return. It’s not even the fact that she got your child a selection box, it’s the lack of thought and effort and the disparity in what she expects.

Ducksurprise · 11/10/2023 08:48

I have 6 DC. Friend spends approx £10per child for birthday (we did away with Xmas gifts due to cost) I spend approx £30per child on her 2. That seems fair.

I have no time for your friend- she forgot your child's birthday and gave a selection box at Xmas, whilst sending you present lists for her FOUR. Read that back a few times.

user1492757084 · 11/10/2023 08:48

You want to scale down the gifts.
Set an age limit of perhaps 14 as the last gift and from then on give a block of chocolate and 20 pounds for birthdays and an orange, a hand made card (from your child) and a visit to an afternoon tea shop, (or park) for Christmas.
Start signing the gifts to the children from your own child.
That way is reminds everyone that you have a child and things have changed.

EmmaEmerald · 11/10/2023 08:48

ComtesseDeSpair · 10/10/2023 12:26

Tell her that a) you’re disappointed that she doesn’t bother with your child and b) the present requests are becoming too expensive. If she falls out with you having heard those entirely reasonable justifications for stopping the buying, is this a great loss?

this

none of your extra info is relevant. If she is upset by simple truths, how can you be friends anyway?

Daffodilsandtuplips · 11/10/2023 08:49

My first thought when you said she sent a Christmas list was “ Cheeky”. Then, when I read she burst into tears when you said you were thinking of cutting down this year was “I bet she takes the labels off and makes out they are from her” . Op she can send as many lists as she likes but you don’t have to adhere to it. Four kids, budget of £15.00 per kid. = £60.00, spend the rest on your own child.

Catsfrontbum · 11/10/2023 08:50

Give them each a book token of £10 for their birthdays and a selection box for Christmas. And be done with it. If you can’t talk to her about it take action yourself.

Riverlee · 11/10/2023 08:50

The fact that she stipulates how much you spend on her kids shouts grabby to me. You are not being mean. I think when you start resenting things, it’s time to stop.

You’ll have to go back to her and re- iterate that you are mitt butting presents. Use the L as an excuse, or be brutally honest that you akwsys spend £££ on hers, and she either forgets or buys you cheap sweets in return.

Don’t be manipulated by her tears .

Riverlee · 11/10/2023 08:50

CoL

Dilligafat · 11/10/2023 08:51

She's been your friend for a long time. You should be able to return to the subject and explain - the reason I'm not planning on buying presents for yours this Xmas is that I thought you were opting out. Which to be honest, isn't a bad idea, I can't really afford to spend so much money. I thought you weren't really on board with this because you don't do the same for x. It's not a problem, but doesn't it make more sense to just knock this on the head and spend our money on our own children? Just exchange token presents for Xmas and birthdays?

If she starts coming out with the crap about them looking forward to it... you might have to be a bit more blunt. Tell her, you can't justify or afford spending £100's on presents for hers when she doesn't even remember your daughter's birthday and only sends a few sweets at Xmas. In any case, you can't afford it and need to stop doing it.
If she thinks you're unreasonable she's not a good friend.

ElleCapitaine · 11/10/2023 08:51

With the best will in the world, OP, it’s quite a leap from her losing her parents as a child to crying because you don’t want to spend a small fortune on presents for her children. Trauma, as sad as it is, does not give anyone the right to expect gifts, and if she think it does, then she needs therapy so that she at least doesn’t manipulate people into parting with their hard earned money, especially when it’s not reciprocated. Most people don’t buy extravagant gifts for their friend’s children, and most people certainly wouldn’t be grabby enough to send a list of stuff their kids want. I’d give them each a selection box and if anything is said just reply ‘but that’s what you bought DS. Why do you think your kids should get more than mine?’

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