Endless present buying for friend’s DC

[Whenisone]

Old school friend has 4 DC ranging from 5 to 13. Her husband is a very high earner, she is a stay at home mum. She is a lovely person and I do care very much about her.

However, since her DC were born I have religiously bought them birthday and Christmas gifts. Friend usually reminds me a couple of weeks in advance and says what they’d like, the budget has gradually crept up and the presents usually cost £20-30.

Issue is that I have 1 DC. Friend totally forgot my DC’s birthday last year, and has just forgotten again. For Christmas last year she gave DC a selection box. I spent £200+ on presents for her DC through the year.

Last night we were chatting and she said she’d send me her DCs’ Christmas list. I said that I was just planning on sending some sweets for the DC. My friend went quiet then burst into tears and said that her DC really look forward to opening their presents from me, and are already excited about it. They don’t have any grandparents so don’t have many external presents.

So I agreed to keep buying, but I really don’t want to. I can afford it but I resent the expectation and lack of effort for my own DC. Am I just being mean? How do I get out of this and keep my friend?

I feel like it's quite manipulative of her to turn on the tears like that, it's almost like emotional blackmail.

I wouldn't buy any more gifts OP. It's not fair on you or your budget, and that money could be used for something else. I think it's pretty entitled of her to share a list (!) with you, particularly as it's not reciprocated. I think your suggestion of sending sweets is a good one.

Alternatively of spell it out to her in an email:

Dear friend,

Following our earlier conversation could you please explain why, having spent over £240 on your children's last two birthday presents and presents for Christmas 2022, you think I should spend another £80 on presents for for them this Christmas when all my dd has in the same time is a £2.99 selection box. Surely you understand why I wish to being this arrangement to an end and if your children are disappointed this year it is not my fault.

Why on earth would you not reply with “my DC was looking forward to your birthday present but you didn’t give them one “

Bloody hell, OP.

First response has it. You're being a mug.

She sends you lists???

Blimey. I'd be putting a stop to that pronto.

Have you asked her why she thinks you should be doing this when she forgot your kids birthday? What was her reasoning behind the selection box for Christmas?

I'm sorry but I can't get over the fact she not only expects gifts for all of her brood and forgets yours but has the fucking nerve to send ypu a list of what they want?!
She is not your friend op, dump her and treat yourself for a change.

She burst into tears? What a fanny.

I don't buy gifts for any friends' kids. There are way too many of them!

Tell your friend in case she hasn't noticed there's a cost of living crisis on at the mo and no more pressies will be forthcoming.

Buy your friend a handkerchief.

No wonder her dc look forward to your presents! You will have to say that whilst you don’t buy to receive it is actually extremely irritating when she completely forgets your ONE child’s birthday and yet expects you to spend several hundred pounds on all of her children.
Just say that it stops now. Your friendship does not mean the same to her that it does to you. If she kicks off then that says it all!
Do not spend any more money on her and her family.

Oh yes and the crying wouldn't wash with me, she'd be getting a very bemused looking expression and a raised eyebrow.
Can't believe grown adults acting like a toddler.

I don’t want to drip feed, but friend lost her parents quite young in horrible circumstances. We’ve been friends a very long time, and it has taken her a long time to come to terms with it. I know she mourns the fact her DC dont have grandparents, so her crying wasn’t just for effect.
I do care about her DC (and they do thank me) but I just want to massively tone down the present buying.
Also, I would never pull her up on forgetting my DC’s birthday, as it feels grabby and I suspect she’d be mortified.

Did you call her out on forgetting your child’s birthday? Do you send any sort of reminder or suggestions? I could get past the forgetting a birthday but asking for 4 x £30 gifts and sending a selection box would spell the end of gift giving for me.
I have a childless best friend, godmother to my 3 kids. She always remembers their birthdays and sends a card and £10 voucher. I make a big fuss and send a significant gift for her birthday and Christmas - acknowledging I only have her to buy for and not lots of wider family. Your friend is a CF.

If you can afford it then your choice @Whenisone . But even if you have £millions in the bank the thoughtlessness of her expecting presents from a list when she does not reciprocate would tee me off.

I would go with - this present buying is getting out of hand so either I will choose presents or give me a less expensive list . Also my DC really likes getting "external presents " but that doesn't seem to be happening . So shall we agree selection boxes all round.

Tell her you are cutting down on presents.

If she were a genuinely lovely person she would get this I am sure. There are those who can afford it who also like money being spent as long as it is not theirs 😊

I don’t normally jump to “it’s always the man’s fault” but is she being financially abused? It’s all very well having the famed MN high earning husband if he doesn’t let you spend any money. Maybe she’s not “allowed” to buy your child anything, and maybe her kids get shit presents from their stingy father.

She’s still a cheeky cow though. I can’t get over anyone having the brass neck to give a friend a present list for their kids. I’m even more baffled by the OP letting it happen.

This. And in all honesty you should have done it ages ago.

As sad as her reasons are, it is not your responsibility to keep buying presents for her children. If you must buy them something then how about a board game and a box of chocs to eat whilst playing?
Surely friendships must mean more to her now and it’s still inexcusable that she forgets your dc’s birthday.

Wow, boundaries!

You really need to establish some. If someone isn't OK with your boundaries, that's their problem - not yours. Don't worry if you lose a friend, the friend was not worth having!

OP - I could be assuming and this isn't supposed to come across in a bad way but I suspect you could have co-dependancy issues as I used to be very much like this. As I said, this is an assumption and I don't wish to cause offence but you really need to put yourself and your needs first in life.

I don’t want to drip feed, but friend lost her parents quite young in horrible circumstances. We’ve been friends a very long time, and it has taken her a long time to come to terms with it. I know she mourns the fact her DC dont have grandparents, so her crying wasn’t just for effect

Then she needs to get help to come to terms with it. Not treat you as her children's personal Father Christmas.

A list of what her DC expect? flaming cheek.

Don’t be a mug op. Just say I figured we weren’t doing birthday presents for the kids anymore because you didn’t get one for mine which I’m fine with. And selection boxes for Xmas like dd had last year are much easier for me too. I can’t afford anything more than that and I’m sure you understand.

Get all of her children selection boxes. Your friend has already set the precedent for this, you should be able to buy 4 for under £10, and the children will most likely be pleased.

Or, perhaps, a little kinder

Dear Friend

I have been thinking about our conversation earlier and I am very sorry that my suggestion of just giving sweets to your DC this Christmas, upset you, but given that the cost of living has risen so much in the past year, I think everyone is having to cut back, and it seemed to me that this would make sense for both of us.

I can't justify spending lots of money on presents for non-family members any more, I'm sorry. I'm happy still to give your children some sweets, or similar, but that's as much as my Christmas Budget will now allow.

Love From Whenisone xx

Just ignore the list then and buy them a group present like a board game.
She is using you op, she is guilting you into this and her behaviour ( even if stemming from a tragedy ) is not ok.

In the nicest way possible but that's irrelevant. Many kids don't have some/all of their grandparents- my children have lost both their grandfathers. I don't expect my friends to buy presents for my kids to make up the shortfall for deceased family members. It's madness and will lead to resentment on your end because she doesn't reciprocate your generosity.

Even with your update I still think you are being taken for a mug.
This is a ridiculous situation.

She doesn't get to dictate what you spend your money on. You are accepting her thoughtless treatment of your child, what a bad example to set.

But you're not their kids grandparents either.

Send selection boxes.

I sympathise with your friends situation , but a present from non grandparents doesn't have to cost £20 to £30. Also if she were very grateful for your presents to her DC could she not remember to buy your DC one. That may sounds unkind but she does sound a little self absorbed ( and anyone tell me off because of her circumstances ) but I do think she could express her gratitude by remembering your DC as well.

I am paraphrasing but from a PP - I thought your idea of just selection boxes was great - shall we do that ?

Also, I would never pull her up on forgetting my DC’s birthday, as it feels grabby and I suspect she’d be mortified.
And she knows it, that's why she continues to be grabby and manipulative to you.
Even friendships that are decades old have to have boundaries, otherwise one half takes the piss, while the other get the piss taken.