Endless present buying for friend’s DC

[Whenisone]

Old school friend has 4 DC ranging from 5 to 13. Her husband is a very high earner, she is a stay at home mum. She is a lovely person and I do care very much about her.

However, since her DC were born I have religiously bought them birthday and Christmas gifts. Friend usually reminds me a couple of weeks in advance and says what they’d like, the budget has gradually crept up and the presents usually cost £20-30.

Issue is that I have 1 DC. Friend totally forgot my DC’s birthday last year, and has just forgotten again. For Christmas last year she gave DC a selection box. I spent £200+ on presents for her DC through the year.

Last night we were chatting and she said she’d send me her DCs’ Christmas list. I said that I was just planning on sending some sweets for the DC. My friend went quiet then burst into tears and said that her DC really look forward to opening their presents from me, and are already excited about it. They don’t have any grandparents so don’t have many external presents.

So I agreed to keep buying, but I really don’t want to. I can afford it but I resent the expectation and lack of effort for my own DC. Am I just being mean? How do I get out of this and keep my friend?

Dear friend,

I'm not sure that I understand what happened during our conversation last night.

I thought that it would be appropriate to send sweets for your dc's christmas presents. My dc got chocolate from you last year, so I thought that a present along those lines was appropriate for yours.

To be honest with you, I spent more than £200 on your kids bday and christmas last year and for my child, we received a selection box for christmas (as bday was apparently forgotten). It made me feel a bit mugged!

OP.

Oh and yet again, the true mark of a CF is a tantrum when they are called out.

Don't let her treat you like this.

And why would you want to keep this friend anyway. Friends don't treat you like a cash machine crossed with father christmas

She’d be mortified if you pulled her up on forgetting your daughter’s birthday two years in a row? Does she not know that everyone has a birthday on one day, every year? I’m sorry, OP, but that’s ridiculous.
And the selection box versus 4 x £30 presents for her DC at Christmas? Stingy.

This really has to stop. She is taking advantage and its so cheeky to send you a list when she didn't give anything back.

You can say you have decided only to buy for family as it's all getting very expensive.

If you don't have the strength to say that right now then give them ONE selection box to share. She'll get the message.

You are being a mug. Tell her what the budget is. Her kids can pick a present accordingly.

Save the next shitty present she sends your kid and send it back to her with a Christmas card to all of them.

Absolutely do this. I have a rule now that I give back what I get. If I send someone a present and a card and they send me a card only, then next birthday they get a card. If someone sends a present for my DD, I send one back. It might sound a bit petty but life is too short and expensive to be putting yourself out for people who don't show the same care to you.

What about if you said 'look I totally understand that it's nice for them to receive gifts from outside the family. I can't afford to keep funding it myself, however if you want to send me a 'acting grandparent' allowance I'd be happy to buy them presents still.'

If she's got as much money as you say maybe it isn't about the money for her? She might be happy to pay if it means her kids keep getting the nice experience.

She burst into tears? She needs to grow up.

I had a friend with 3 DC and I had 1 but she tried throughout the year to balance it so I wasn't constantly paying. However, one year I got her DC a decent present each again and my DC got a box of celebrations. So I just knocked it on the head.

We are going through an economic crisis. Just tell her that you are stopping and stop.

Sorry but I would guilt her right back!

"Sorry that you were upset last night when I suggested that we change how we do presents. The thing is on DC's birthday last week she was so excited to see what you'd given her, and then when it turned out you'd forgotten her again her little face just broke my heart. I know it's hard to keep up with all the birthdays etc!! So how about we exchange one gift each at Christmas - I'll make sure mine is something your lot can share - and otherwise call it a day?"

My sister in law is like this. We have one child, she has three (or maybe four, she's always popping them out). Every birthday and Christmas she sends lists of what they want, usually £50 and up. My DD received a bar of soap for Christmas after we said that, as a young teen, she'd become interested in 'nice smellies'. I have started ignoring her lists and sending what I think are sensibly priced, age appropriate gifts instead. Could you do that?

Op I think another way to deal with it is say to her, your sorry her kids don't get from GPs etc but you really can't afford it this year. CoL your struggling to get your own DD.

Or send a list with big ticket items for your DD - since she only has one to buy for

Oh dear, she's being emotionally manipulative. You have to end this now. Just message her saying, "I'm so sorry I upset you earlier. I'm just buying token gifts for all my friends children, at Christmas and birthdays, as money is tight this year. I hope you understand." What ever she messages back, do not get suckered in AGAIN!! Just ignore them. A good friend wouldn't emotionally black mail you like this. Its pretty horrible she values her children gifts over yours. She's happy to gift yours nothing, but fusses when you mention not buying anymore gifts?! Quite horrible and unfair on your child. Do it for your child, who is actually being taken advantage of.

Issue is that I have 1 DC. Friend totally forgot my DC’s birthday last year, and has just forgotten again. For Christmas last year she gave DC a selection box. I spent £200+ on presents for her DC through the year

I would never pull her up on forgetting my DC’s birthday, as it feels grabby and I suspect she’d be mortified

She is massively taking the piss. At her next birthday ignore the list and get the girl a selection box. Her mum might get the hint then.

Please do not carry on as you are letting the resentment build. It is not healthy!

I suspect she’d be mortified.

She should be mortified-what a shit friend to send you expensive wish lists and guilt-trip you into continuing gift buying for her own kids, yet either forgetting your DC or buying them a selection box. That’s just free-loading. I don’t really get why you aren’t more cross and seem happy to carry on bankrolling her?!

Oh well just carry on then

She isn’t stupid she knows children have birthdays every year. She is taking advantage and you are letting her. She knew what she was doing buying a selection box when she knew what she asked you to buy.

you are being naive to think otherwise.

So with the gift list, it’s not really as bad as my post suggests (sorry for not clarifying earlier).

I did ask my friend years ago (when she had 1 baby DC) if there was anything specific she’d like for DC for Christmas. She offered to send me her Amazon list, and I said how helpful that would be.

At the time I was child free, it had a variety of items of varying values and was useful. I may have asked again for birthday, so she just started sending the list to me. It’s just that now there are 4 DC and the presents have really increased in cost. I need to rein it in. PP are right, I am feeling resentful.

We have been good friends for 30+ years, I really don’t want to fall out with her over this, and she’d be incredibly upset if I sent some of the suggested messages on here. I just don’t know how to extricate myself without hurting her feelings.

No need to pull her up on it - but Don't forget to send her a reminder 2 weeks before your daughter's birthday with a wish list of gifts she can choose from .

Do a family gift instead…. Game, chocs etc.

Op I think the easiest way and less controversial is to say "Look 4 kids, cost of living etc, it's too much I was planning to scale back and just get something small for them, I just can't afford to spend £120 between them"

Nobody can argue with someone elses finances

We have been good friends for 30+ years, I really don’t want to fall out with her over this

Stop putting the blame and burden on yourself. A good friend will not fall out with you if you discuss this. A good friend will understand how this is unfair, how it makes you feel and will change her actions accordingly.

If you do not feel confident about doing this verbally please draft an email. There will be plenty of people here happy to proof read it for you to get the tone right.

Do not let this simmer as it will sour your friendship anyway.

I just don’t know how to extricate myself without hurting her feelings

Stop trying to rationalise the situation like this. She is hurting your feelings by acting unreasonably you are being taken for a mug.

Op my dbrother and sil have 4 kids now, with each child the total cost of what I could afford to spend on them individually went down. It's simple maths, your friend knows this and she's not a good friend to guilt you into spending more than you want to!

With my friends we all agreed we'd buy for the kids bdays but not Christmas and if they have more than one child I put a limit of £5-£10 per kid.

It gets ridiculous otherwise.

Personally I'd send a text saying 'I'm really sorry but I just can't afford to buy for each of the kids at Christmas anymore with the cost of living etc I have to be more careful. I really hope you can understand and I look forward to seeing you soon'

And leave it at that, a good friend will reply with 'of course I understand, I look forward to seeing you soon as well'

So why aren’t you sending her a Christmas list of gifts worth £30+?