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Original poster

Endless present buying for friend’s DC

530 replies

Whenisone · 10/10/2023 12:22

Old school friend has 4 DC ranging from 5 to 13. Her husband is a very high earner, she is a stay at home mum. She is a lovely person and I do care very much about her.

However, since her DC were born I have religiously bought them birthday and Christmas gifts. Friend usually reminds me a couple of weeks in advance and says what they’d like, the budget has gradually crept up and the presents usually cost £20-30.

Issue is that I have 1 DC. Friend totally forgot my DC’s birthday last year, and has just forgotten again. For Christmas last year she gave DC a selection box. I spent £200+ on presents for her DC through the year.

Last night we were chatting and she said she’d send me her DCs’ Christmas list. I said that I was just planning on sending some sweets for the DC. My friend went quiet then burst into tears and said that her DC really look forward to opening their presents from me, and are already excited about it. They don’t have any grandparents so don’t have many external presents.

So I agreed to keep buying, but I really don’t want to. I can afford it but I resent the expectation and lack of effort for my own DC. Am I just being mean? How do I get out of this and keep my friend?

OP posts:
cromwell44 · 10/10/2023 13:06

There are plenty of families where grandparents or extended families don't send expensive gifts or don't have a relationship at all. You can't and shouldn't be expected to make up for lack of grandparents for you friend's children.
I agree that you don't need to go into the lack of reciprocity of present giving, just claim cost of living / cutting back on gift giving this year. But don't be manipulated into continuing to buy expensive presents.

Octobermeterreadtime · 10/10/2023 13:07

Send her backdated lists from your dc and tell her dc is looking forward to opening them. Then never discuss gifts again. Send the sweets you intended to send.

BoohooWoohoo · 10/10/2023 13:08

Why did you back down? You are a mug and your friend knows it. Sometimes the richest people are the tightest and you shouldn't allow them to use you like this.

I would bet money that her kids didn't really say that they look forward to your gift. Like a pp I wouldn't be surprised if they had no idea that the gift was even from you and you help her look good to her kids at no cost.

Tell her no more. If she gets angry then you'll see what she really thinks about the friendship.

Interested in this thread?

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Christmas Families General shopping
Raincloudsonasunnyday · 10/10/2023 13:09

I just can’t with these threads. I just commented on the one about a niece demanding expensive coffees and the OP struggling with saying no.

Just. Say. No.

Do you think your friend hasn’t realised that she hasn’t bought your DC even one birthday gift in at least 13 months? Do you really think that’s possible? Ok so she’s been busy. Fine. So are you.

Just. Say. No.

Give what you want to give with an open heart, no more and no less. Otherwise it’s extortion by means of emotional manipulation.

Why are so many women such doormats? It’s exasperating.

Gettingbysomehow · 10/10/2023 13:10

I don't have a family either, I don't demand gifts from my friends to make up for it. If she has four children she needs to learn how to behave like a grown woman.

Pandor · 10/10/2023 13:12

Sometimes you read stuff on here and it just makes no sense. This is someone apparently bursting into tears at the thought of the OP not buying her children expensive gifts, and the OP is just accepting that as normal behaviour (or at least within the realms of normal behaviour).

Im trying to imagine literally anyone I know behaving like that and I just can’t, it’s insane!

viques · 10/10/2023 13:14

Whenisone · 10/10/2023 12:50

I don’t want to drip feed, but friend lost her parents quite young in horrible circumstances. We’ve been friends a very long time, and it has taken her a long time to come to terms with it. I know she mourns the fact her DC dont have grandparents, so her crying wasn’t just for effect.
I do care about her DC (and they do thank me) but I just want to massively tone down the present buying.
Also, I would never pull her up on forgetting my DC’s birthday, as it feels grabby and I suspect she’d be mortified.

Do they have grandparents from her OH? Lots of children don’t have a full set of grandparents, however sad the reasons for her loss she can’t use that as an excuse for her poor behaviour.

RowenaEllis · 10/10/2023 13:15

You might think she's lovely but her behaviour is far from lovely - it's greedy, manipulative and selfish. Please don't capitulate!

Coolblur · 10/10/2023 13:15

What a CF!
Why on earth didn't you mention her missing your daughter's birthday? To do that then burst into tears when you said you were thinking of buying sweets for Christmas is extremely selfish and manipulative.
I know it's awkward but you could have phrased it as if you thought she must want to scale down gift giving.

If you must still buy gifts then go with your original plan.

CeeChynaa · 10/10/2023 13:16

User562377 · 10/10/2023 12:26

I'm not very patient with this sort of thing so I would just say

"I've spent £xx on your kids this past year and you didn't even remember my dc's birthday and only gave her a selection box for Christmas. I'm not going to keep spending all that money. I'll send a token present so they can still have something from me to open.'
Then buy them each a book and a box of maltesers.

Or a more tactful response would be "you only bought dd a selection box last Christmas and didn't buy her anything at all for her birthday so I figure we're done with expensive gifts and that's fine by me"

Same!!!

CantGetDecentNickname · 10/10/2023 13:44

peppapigworrrld · 10/10/2023 12:37

Send her a list with ideas for your DC - total value the equivalent of what you've spent on all her kids.

I agree with this post. I know you feel sorry for her OP, but please see her for what she is doing which is using you and guilt tripping you.

  1. She actually sent you a list! The cheek of it!
  2. She either forgets your DC or gives them a cheap gift.
  3. When you said it was unsustainable, she guilt tripped you into agreeing to continue. Very manipulative behaviour, complete with tears.
  4. She isn't showing any thought for you here at all. Assumes you are a bottomless money pit for her to mine and isn't worried about hurting your feelings or those of your DC.

Stop being such a wimp and tell her you can't do this any more as you don't have the money and they will be getting sweets. Better still, arrange to see her with all the DC and tell them this yourself so they hear it from you and she can't twist the narrative. Tell them straight that you can't afford it. Then go an open an nice junior ISA for your DC and put the £200 in it or buy them what they want for Christmas. Time to toughen up OP. Ask yourself why her DC are more entitled to your earnings than yours?

BoohooWoohoo · 10/10/2023 13:51

It's not your fault that her kids don't have maternal grandparents. You can't replace them and shouldn't be buying gifts to compensate for that. My kids have never received a gift from their grandparents for various reasons and aren't scarred or feel deprived.

She is organised enough to send you a wish list (wtf) so she is organised enough to buy your dd a fucking gift. You need to set a good example to your dd and not be a doormat.

You were very reasonable to say that you wanted to tone things down and just buy some chocolate or a small token gift. You don't have to confront her about the lack of gift for your dd but you are friends so should be able to dictate how much you spend on gifts.

beAsensible1 · 10/10/2023 13:55

Whenisone · 10/10/2023 12:22

Old school friend has 4 DC ranging from 5 to 13. Her husband is a very high earner, she is a stay at home mum. She is a lovely person and I do care very much about her.

However, since her DC were born I have religiously bought them birthday and Christmas gifts. Friend usually reminds me a couple of weeks in advance and says what they’d like, the budget has gradually crept up and the presents usually cost £20-30.

Issue is that I have 1 DC. Friend totally forgot my DC’s birthday last year, and has just forgotten again. For Christmas last year she gave DC a selection box. I spent £200+ on presents for her DC through the year.

Last night we were chatting and she said she’d send me her DCs’ Christmas list. I said that I was just planning on sending some sweets for the DC. My friend went quiet then burst into tears and said that her DC really look forward to opening their presents from me, and are already excited about it. They don’t have any grandparents so don’t have many external presents.

So I agreed to keep buying, but I really don’t want to. I can afford it but I resent the expectation and lack of effort for my own DC. Am I just being mean? How do I get out of this and keep my friend?

Did you remind her about your DCs birthday and point out yours would love it too but she always forgets?

did you tell her you can’t afford it?

her crying is fucking ridiculous and reeks of emotional blackmail

BotanicalNames · 10/10/2023 13:57

Whenisone · 10/10/2023 12:50

I don’t want to drip feed, but friend lost her parents quite young in horrible circumstances. We’ve been friends a very long time, and it has taken her a long time to come to terms with it. I know she mourns the fact her DC dont have grandparents, so her crying wasn’t just for effect.
I do care about her DC (and they do thank me) but I just want to massively tone down the present buying.
Also, I would never pull her up on forgetting my DC’s birthday, as it feels grabby and I suspect she’d be mortified.

Also, I would never pull her up on forgetting my DC’s birthday, as it feels grabby and I suspect she’d be mortified.

I'm sorry but are you for real - your DC is missing out on money you could spend on them as you are spending so much on your friend's children, but you you won't stick up for your child and call your friend out on her lack of presents for your child? Why is it ok in your mind for her to be 'grabby' but not you?

krustykittens · 10/10/2023 13:59

Whenisone · 10/10/2023 12:50

I don’t want to drip feed, but friend lost her parents quite young in horrible circumstances. We’ve been friends a very long time, and it has taken her a long time to come to terms with it. I know she mourns the fact her DC dont have grandparents, so her crying wasn’t just for effect.
I do care about her DC (and they do thank me) but I just want to massively tone down the present buying.
Also, I would never pull her up on forgetting my DC’s birthday, as it feels grabby and I suspect she’d be mortified.

She should be mortified! She is orgnised enough to remind you a couple of weeks ahead and send a fecking list of what her kids want but she never seems to think of your child?! Disgusting behaviour. She is the one being grabby!

Tinkerbyebye · 10/10/2023 14:01

Just go back and be honest

sorry friend but been thinking since our phone call. Whilst I appreciate your kids like my presents I can’t afford to keep buying at the prices you send through, particularly as you don’t reciprocate with xx. A you got a selection box for him last year I think that’s all we should both do moving forward or forget the idea of buying for the kids. Which would you like.

VanillaImpulse · 10/10/2023 14:01

Maybe you should send her a list of what your child would like for Xmas and make it the equivalent price of what you pay for 4 presents

Steev · 10/10/2023 14:02

Just say I'm sure my DC would look forward to it too if you'd ever bought them anything.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 10/10/2023 14:03

Absolutely ridiculous, just say I'm really sorry but my own child comes first now and I can't afford to buy for your children.

She's a CF.

krustykittens · 10/10/2023 14:04

I also think it is a bit much to expect a friend to shell out £120+ on your four kids at Christmas! We all have budgets! When she can't even be bothered to remember your kids brithday it makes you look like less of a friend and more of a pocket to be picked.

Fourlegsandatail · 10/10/2023 14:07

Total cheeky fucker.

toadasoda · 10/10/2023 14:14

Octobermeterreadtime · 10/10/2023 13:07

Send her backdated lists from your dc and tell her dc is looking forward to opening them. Then never discuss gifts again. Send the sweets you intended to send.

I love this suggestion!!

God OP, I thought the thread would be about a socially awkward 'how do I say this..' situation. But you already said it and she started crying. I have to say i read it thinking WTF. Who cries at something like this. Sending lists without prompting is really cheeky too. She is taking the piss and somehow guilt tripping you as a stand in grandparent, which you certainly are not.

Kpcs · 10/10/2023 14:17

Bad things happen to people, it’s unfortunate. But at the same time it’s not your job to compensate for it. You should pull her up on forgetting your DC- she’s reminding you to get her kids xmas presents already ffs! You are being walked all over. Tell her you can’t afford it and tell her she needs to include your DC in this gift giving.

TerrysNeapolitan · 10/10/2023 14:21

I would draw a line under this right now. I got into the same situation years ago with a close friends two children. (I had none). What really annoyed me is I would spend ages looking for suitable gifts and never receive a thank you or any feedback that the gift went down well. Call an end to it.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 10/10/2023 14:24

Also, I would never pull her up on forgetting my DC’s birthday, as it feels grabby and I suspect she’d be mortified.

As grabby as providing a shopping list for four children’s Christmas and birthdays while not reciprocating? She should be mortified.