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Original poster

MIL expecting husband and l to fund BIL lifestyle

269 replies

BritishDesiGirl · 12/09/2023 14:21

My brother in law is coming to the U.K to do a masters degree next year. I agreed with my husband that he could stay with us while completing his degree. We are also happy for him to stay while he gets a job and works during his two year work visa.

I have now come to know that my MIL expects us to pay for everything for BIL without any expectation for this money to be paid in the future.

This includes funding his expensive taste for shoes and clothes, driving lessons he said he wants to take, paying for his travel to and fro university, days out and basically anything else.

I was happy to let him live rent free with no bills, food provided. Basic needs met.

I told my husband that other things like the above would have to be on a loan basis as we have just started saving for house and have two children and pur own expenditures

My MIL has previously loaned her children money but now she expects something different.

I am looking for advice on how to approach this with MIL.

OP posts:
WhisperGold · 12/09/2023 14:24

Tell her to piss off?

Blough · 12/09/2023 14:25

Outrageous demands don’t require a long explanation. Laugh, say it’s not possible, of course, he can maybe stay in your house in a few years once he’s saved up to afford his lifestyle. Then move on. This is absolutely not your problem. Your husband should be the one to correct his mother.

WeeOrcadian · 12/09/2023 14:25

I assume, based on your username, that the setup is, broadly speaking, Asian

I see both sides of this, but your family comes first - by that, I mean the family that you've made - your DH and DC

You cannot seriously be expected to pay for everything for a grown ass man - why is he not expected / expecting to work? Has he been handed life on a platter so far? (I ask as I personally know people who have, and their sense of entitlement follows them to this day)

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
SoRainbowRhythms · 12/09/2023 14:26

WhisperGold · 12/09/2023 14:24

Tell her to piss off?

Took the words out of my mouth, albeit more politely!

LolaSmiles · 12/09/2023 14:29

I wouldn't even entertain it as a lone arrangement either OP. You'll never get the money because the endgame is him sponging off you.

Don't give more in support, finances and resources than your family can afford to write off.

LolaSmiles · 12/09/2023 14:29

Loan arrangement

Azaeleasinbloom · 12/09/2023 14:30

Why would you not address it with BIL first? Tell him exactly what he can expect.
What is your husbands view on this? Has he benefitted from such an arrangement before and is now expected to do the same ?

If it was my MIL I would be telling her bluntly that she is out of line, but I have a different cultural perspective I think.

Kay286 · 12/09/2023 14:31

How to approach it !!! My god just say absolutely not as it’s a crazy assumption you should fund another adult …. Rent free with food is more than generous.

Mercurial123 · 12/09/2023 14:32

This was very common when I lived in Lebanon. Often, an unemployed young relative with no inclination to work would be funded by their brother/brother in law slaving away in the Gulf. This would involve designer clothing, entertainment, cars etc

Lilibert456 · 12/09/2023 14:32

On yer bike son. No pay no stay. Simple.

viques · 12/09/2023 14:33

Doesn’t he have to provide proof that he has funding in place to support himself? He will also be allowed to work for a certain number of hours a week, so he needs to buy a half decent bike and sign up to just eat or another delivery platform or think of another way to earn some cash to pay for his preferred lifestyle.

It is extremely generous of you to offer free board and lodging, if he isn’t grateful for that he can try finding himself a room to rent and see how much you are indirectly financing him.

Bananalanacake · 12/09/2023 14:33

Laugh and slam the phone down,

Original poster
BritishDesiGirl · 12/09/2023 14:35

Azaeleasinbloom · 12/09/2023 14:30

Why would you not address it with BIL first? Tell him exactly what he can expect.
What is your husbands view on this? Has he benefitted from such an arrangement before and is now expected to do the same ?

If it was my MIL I would be telling her bluntly that she is out of line, but I have a different cultural perspective I think.

No my husband was given a loan which he paid off, l funded our lifestyle while he did this. Having had no idea that he was given a loan before marriage.

OP posts:
Lastchancechica · 12/09/2023 14:44

No way.

I actually wouldn’t be facilitating even the stay at your house op. You are going to be paying for everything regardless otherwise.

’Having looked at our commitments already, I think it would be best if BIL stayed at the university to complete his MD. Of course we will be on hand for emergencies, and he is very welcome to visit anytime’

Do not get drawn into any part of this arrangement! You will live to regret it for sure in ten years time, when he is still there, and is saving for a house deposit whilst also buying expensive cars and designer clothes.

Dh needs to deliver the update to your MIL.

PinkiOcelot · 12/09/2023 14:47

Fuck that!

Daffodilsandtuplips · 12/09/2023 14:48

BritishDesiGirl · 12/09/2023 14:21

My brother in law is coming to the U.K to do a masters degree next year. I agreed with my husband that he could stay with us while completing his degree. We are also happy for him to stay while he gets a job and works during his two year work visa.

I have now come to know that my MIL expects us to pay for everything for BIL without any expectation for this money to be paid in the future.

This includes funding his expensive taste for shoes and clothes, driving lessons he said he wants to take, paying for his travel to and fro university, days out and basically anything else.

I was happy to let him live rent free with no bills, food provided. Basic needs met.

I told my husband that other things like the above would have to be on a loan basis as we have just started saving for house and have two children and pur own expenditures

My MIL has previously loaned her children money but now she expects something different.

I am looking for advice on how to approach this with MIL.

Just tell her what you’ve said here. You’re willing (at a push) to feed and house him but anything else such as clothing, driving lessons etc had to be paid for, either by him getting a part time job or she gives him a loan, if she’s concerned he’d blow the lot within a short time then she gives you and DH the loan to manage on his behalf.
And do it now.

RantyAnty · 12/09/2023 14:48

I'd say no to all of as you'll end up being his skivvy for 2 years too.

His parents can obviously afford to house and feed him. He can live on campus.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/09/2023 14:51

Don't be a fucking mug. I'd be telling your husband and his batshit mother that the entire thing is off. BIL will not be living with you and he can fend for himself. You have your own family to support, FFS.

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/09/2023 14:51

I’d say he can no longer stay with you.

readingismycardio · 12/09/2023 14:52

So she has LOANED her DC money but is expecting for you to FUND an adult unconditionally? Ahahahaahahah... no. Your offer is already too generous.

user14699084657 · 12/09/2023 14:54

I wouldn’t be hosting a guest for 2 years, let alone funding them! 2 weeks at a push, but I’d be sick of the sight of them by the second week!

VenusClapTrap · 12/09/2023 14:54

I would say you were happy to consider this arrangement when it consisted of board and food, but now that you understand it to be a different proposition entirely you can no longer meet this request and will be withdrawing your original offer.

IncompleteSenten · 12/09/2023 14:55

I'd withdraw the offer of housing him.
It's not going to end well if he gets his feet under your table.

What's your mother in law going to do?
Sulk? So what?
Yell at you? Put the phone down/ leave if you're at her house/ boot her out if she's at yours.

Threaten to not talk to you? I'd consider that a win.

She has no actual power or control here. So don't give her any.

WickedSerious · 12/09/2023 14:55

WhisperGold · 12/09/2023 14:24

Tell her to piss off?

Something like this.

AldiDupes · 12/09/2023 14:55

I'm white British so just the thought of family staying with me for longer than a weekend fills me with horror. Someone staying for several years would tip me over the edge.

As it seems to be the norm in your family, what would the consequences be if you said no?