MIL expecting husband and l to fund BIL lifestyle

[BritishDesiGirl]

My brother in law is coming to the U.K to do a masters degree next year. I agreed with my husband that he could stay with us while completing his degree. We are also happy for him to stay while he gets a job and works during his two year work visa.

I have now come to know that my MIL expects us to pay for everything for BIL without any expectation for this money to be paid in the future.

This includes funding his expensive taste for shoes and clothes, driving lessons he said he wants to take, paying for his travel to and fro university, days out and basically anything else.

I was happy to let him live rent free with no bills, food provided. Basic needs met.

I told my husband that other things like the above would have to be on a loan basis as we have just started saving for house and have two children and pur own expenditures

My MIL has previously loaned her children money but now she expects something different.

I am looking for advice on how to approach this with MIL.

How was DH's education funded?

Fuck no. He's already staying with you for years.

Oh and don't offer to lend him the money because you'll no more get it back than I'll start shitting diamonds.

I'd approach the BIL directly, not through MIL. It sounds as though you & DH are being emotionally blackmailed by the family to help BIL?

Tell BIL that you are unable to financially support his lifestyle, but he can live rent free with you. If he does not accept that, and still expects you to provide everything, then I would tell him that the whole arrangement was cancelled, and he would need to find other accommodation.

You have to put your own family needs first, regardless of what MIL wants you to do.

Don't lend him a penny, you'll never get it back.

All brothers and sisters educations were funded by their parents in Pakistan. DH hasn't studied in the U.K . Only his 2 brothers and sister

Has MIL directly said this to you or DH, or is it something you've come to hear if another way? Unless she's told you herself I'd not mention it to her at all. Just ignore. If she or BIL say anything about it directly, then just say 'no, our finances won't cover that'. Don't justify or give any other reasons, they'll just come up with ways around them. If they push it just repeat, 'no, it's not possible'.

Would his visa allow him to get a weekend / evening job while he's studying or is there a period of time where he's not allowed to work? If he's not allowed to work he needs to either do without, use his savings, get a loan from family / a bank, or wait till he's on his work visa and earning money.

If it were me, I would leave MiL out of it altogether and have a candid conversation with BiL. Go over not just what you are prepared to pay for and what you aren’t but also what housework you’ll expect him to do, and house rules - bringing friends back, letting you know whether he’s going to be back for dinner or not, not to let the cat out, when he can borrow the car etc. Setting expectations before he arrives.

I would also be wary about a loan. TBH, if your DH didn’t tell you about a large loan he had before you married and then expected you to fund your joint lifestyle while he paid it back, I would be concerned he’d give the money behind your back.

😂💎

This is irrelevant op!

You can’t be saddled potentially indefinitely with a man that expects a full expenses paid masters degree - plus years of work and you to pick up the bills for this…indefinitely.
Why have you even considered this?

Be very careful about letting BIL stay and don't expect him to ever pay you back so keep that in mind when you spend money on him. Speaking from experience with my own BIL and loans that have never been repaid.

DO NOT agree to a loan (you’ll never see that money paid back)
and best cancel the whole arrangement- nothing good will come out of it, just drama. You will fall out over it one way or another, better do it now, instead of years of arguing with your husband, BIL, MIL etc.

You don't need to say anything to her, you just need to make it clear to BIL.

Easy no long conversation needed - its a no!

So you offered free room and board to BIL. Who's going to be doing the cooking? Will he do his own laundry? Cleaning? Are you going to be his maid - for free?!

The only answer is NO. This cannot happen because you CANNOT afford it

Write to him. Wrap it in saying you are looking forward to his stay. Then add you are happy to provide bed and meals. And wish you could afford to help more but sadly you can't. If you write you can craft it so you say all you need to in the best way. Maybe finish off with general chat. Or what is his favourite meal. Clarity is essential

Does your MIL understand what the costs of bringing up children look like these days?

I think I would lean heavily on the priority of her grandchildren/your children in your finances.

I would also ask TBH why your BIL's financial affairs have anything to do with her? Though I understand there may be a cultural difference here. If he's adult enough to be doing a masters, I would have a blunt conversation directly with him.

He married you without being open that he was in huge debt?
Forget the BIL, I'd be reconsidering the marriage.

It's your husband the one who needs to have this conversation with his mum, and not you. But of course, you both need to be in agreement about what you're prepared to offer your BIL.

I would never host someone for two years. Are you sure you even want to do that?

It’s literally none of her business. The arrangement is with your BIL and it’s for your DH to explain to him what you are and are not able to offer.

I sympathise OP, I'm British Pakistani too and have to ward off relatives wanting to come stay.

We've just had a request from a cousin for her DH and DC to come to stay whilst her DH does a PHD. The answer was no. I think what makes it difficult is that if I called relatives in Pakistan saying I want to come and stay, they would happily say yes, but I think we would incur more expense with them all staying with us.

I can see why it's harder to say not what with it being your DH's brother.

I think you need to be very clear that you and DH will not be paying for BIL's commuting costs, snacks, days out, books, clothes etc.

That he gets the use of a room and board but nothing else. And if he expects more than that then he will be asked to move out.

My Pakistani in-laws have cost us a fortune and so much grief. They only ever expect more.

Do not loan him money he will not pay it back especially if his family doesn't think he should.

Do they think because you are in the UK that you are rolling in it? When they convert pounds to rupees you will seem rich but they are often very clueless as to the cost of living here. The only way they can understand is by doing it for themselves like teenagers getting their first jobs and realising the value of money.

You need to break things down to BIL very plainly and clearly. Don't ever think something is obvious. If you are housing him and feeding him then it sounds like that is already a leg up on what your DH had. They, however, will not see it that way and they will be unlikely to see it as any bother or cost to you.

He needs to get a job to help support himself.

As to others saying he would have had to show funds for his visa yes he would but fraud in that respect is very common. Any relative/ friend / combination of both could have loaned him money for that specific purpose.

Of course it's OP's business. She has to agree with DH what she will and will not put up with.

As @Jaemoon says you and DH need to be very much on the same page.