MIL expecting husband and l to fund BIL lifestyle

[BritishDesiGirl]

My brother in law is coming to the U.K to do a masters degree next year. I agreed with my husband that he could stay with us while completing his degree. We are also happy for him to stay while he gets a job and works during his two year work visa.

I have now come to know that my MIL expects us to pay for everything for BIL without any expectation for this money to be paid in the future.

This includes funding his expensive taste for shoes and clothes, driving lessons he said he wants to take, paying for his travel to and fro university, days out and basically anything else.

I was happy to let him live rent free with no bills, food provided. Basic needs met.

I told my husband that other things like the above would have to be on a loan basis as we have just started saving for house and have two children and pur own expenditures

My MIL has previously loaned her children money but now she expects something different.

I am looking for advice on how to approach this with MIL.

Tell her you're not agreeing to any such thing - end of.

To be honest with you I would not be putting him up it is more hassle then you can only imagine. Their way of living and our way of living are very different and it will not doubt cause issues in your home especially when you have a little baby arriving soon. The best thing would be for him to get a job and live else where. A lot of students are coming to the uk to study and are living in own accommodations, working and study.

You have made a generous offer to put him up but it will soon feel a burden on your family. Be honest with your mother in law as you don’t owe them anything, the responsibility lies with their son and not you.

Tell her to f##k off you're not his bloody mother

You'll always be on dicey ground asking a bunch of predominately white women questions like these.

If it's a family thing, do it to the best of your ability. That won't be driving lessons but perhaps you can go put driving with him on top of lessons he is having.

We have different cultural values to most people in this site, their input is not likely to be very relevant to your situation.

This! With bells on. Short and sweet. 😁

What do your cultural values have to say about buying other people designer shoes and clothes when you can actually afford to buy a house?

And about having another man living with the OP?

@Appleontherocks funny how those values change as to the convenience and benefit of the in-laws. Op doesn't seem to get any of the values that would benefit her.

err... OP is british born. yes us Asians may have different cultural expectations. but this kind of cheeky fuckery is unacceptable in any culture. in fact if you want to talk about 'our' culture, a woman financially supporting her husband is totally unacceptable especially as in this case she has not been fully paid her mahr. same with the woman being asked to fund BIL lifestyle. and where were the 'asian' values when the op's dh needed some money but was instead given a loan.

this kind of people (I.e. op's mil) shouts about keeping up our cultural values when it benefits them but forget about it when it's about upholding the rights of others.

What is the bottom line if you say no.

I understand it is cultural but what is the consequences of saying no

I think that is what is hard to understand

Exactly, coming from the ‘culture’ myself, I’m glad op was smart enough to post on a forum of ‘predominately white women’, because then she will get view points that will most likely align with hers and validate her feelings as she has been brought up in this country, otherwise she would not be complaining like so many women who feel that’s just the way it is in ‘our culture’. Or if she posted on a forum full of women from her culture, perhaps they might tell her to put up and be grateful.

we all know these types of people pick and choose which parts of the culture they want to follow and it’s usually to favour the man and his family. I know OP has also brought into it to an extent but she is ‘allowed’ to say no (I hope). OP seriously just say no, don’t worry about divorce etc if you back down then this is how it will be unfortunately and next week it will be something else. If you feel you can’t say no or there are going to be consequences then give women’s aid a call. But honestly I have said no a lot to my very ‘traditional’ in laws and they backed down because they know in this country they don’t have a leg to stand on so please don’t feel it will be the end of the world if you put them in their place, this isn’t back home where women risk a lot by standing up to their pathetic in laws.

I know whose mother's I have to ring to beg them to come off holiday and look after their daughter who is struggling as a new mother, and it's never Asian grandmother's because they're already there cooking and cleaning for everyone.

White British people have very different values when it comes to the extended family. I'd not find their input at all helpful
I'd ask other people from my own demographic. Not people who typically still their elderly relatives in homes. It's just too far removed from my own values.

YMMV. Some of us have assimilated more than others.
.

Your post is full of racial stereotypes on both sides. Step out of your little bubble and then maybe you’ll stop generalising. This is what the older generation would tell their children to stop them becoming too westernised and so they could keep them under their control “we look after our parents etc we don’t kick kids out at 18 or charge rent” you forget to mention the culture of obligation which leads to abusive dynamics as well as in laws abusing their daughter in laws. This isn’t some romanticised joint family set up. Countless threads on mumsnet and south Asian forums about women complaining about the exact same thing OP has posted on here. Women are let down by their own communities because of ‘culture’. It doesn’t matter what you would do, OP has the right to post on here and doesn’t need to be silenced.

As I said, I'd ask other British Asians. Not white women known for their Conservative views.

@Appleontherocks given OP has one child and another on the way, doesn’t seem like MIL is looking after her much!

I am British Asian as are many others on this thread but that doesn’t seem good enough for you. I hope you know there are plenty of British Asian (women) who are not happy with being abused by in laws or others in the family/community and find solace in forums like this. You seem the type to tell Asian women to put up, I’m not sure if you are a man or woman but the women that tell women to deal with it because culture or family either are ignorant of the dark side of culture or are benefitting from these structures in some way ie mother in laws who are only looking out for their sons.

I'm white but still got a lot of "you need to support the family" stuff and you're a disappointment fo actually going and getting a life. It's still pretty rife in rural areas. Plenty of white women with CF men living off them post on here.

The point here is whilst white women may not understand the nuances, the essesnce of the problem is that a man will be living in their house, funded by them and having a lifestyle far better than the OP is, who is pregnant, child caring, working and funding her own DH.

It's just an extra cocklodger, without the cock, really (hopefully). You don't need to be a particular ethnicity to understand this, the issue is what the OP should do about it and that will be personal to her life and all opinions are helpful.

@Appleontherocks stop being so racist. I see plenty of people of european/British ethnicity who are extremely family minded and plenty of Asians who are not

I was born in a South Asian country and came here when I was 12. I am as Asian as they come. I hate it when people laud our so called 'family values' and ignore the toxicity that happens under the guise of 'family values'

I dont understand why hes coming to live with you? How old is this adult baby? Even 18 year old leave their parents houses and ho and live in university campuses or a shared house and live independently do why are u expected to live with him and foot the bill for years on end?

If mil has all this money, why the funk is your dh giving her £200 a month which detriments your family? How long has it been going on? That’s a lot of money.