MIL expecting husband and l to fund BIL lifestyle

[BritishDesiGirl]

My brother in law is coming to the U.K to do a masters degree next year. I agreed with my husband that he could stay with us while completing his degree. We are also happy for him to stay while he gets a job and works during his two year work visa.

I have now come to know that my MIL expects us to pay for everything for BIL without any expectation for this money to be paid in the future.

This includes funding his expensive taste for shoes and clothes, driving lessons he said he wants to take, paying for his travel to and fro university, days out and basically anything else.

I was happy to let him live rent free with no bills, food provided. Basic needs met.

I told my husband that other things like the above would have to be on a loan basis as we have just started saving for house and have two children and pur own expenditures

My MIL has previously loaned her children money but now she expects something different.

I am looking for advice on how to approach this with MIL.

His mother is not in the UK.

Fair point, Shinyandnew1 - I read it as the loan coming from his parents, but now you mention it that's not clear

Agree 100% @Greenpolkadot

Ah, here we go. OP has long gone anyway, I guess.

Thst comment is not okay!
It’s a culture of many millions of many views not just one - your post is racist. Reporting.

I feel like if I went on the many threads saying" My 16 year old son has got his 15 year old girlfriend pregnant and now they are on UC" and tried to extrapolate it to say "Gosh British culture is awful innit!" my post would be swiftly deleted.

Hi, everyone

Apologies l haven't disappeared l just had a very tough day. Currently pregnant and due soon with baby no2.

Baby will be induced so fretting over that.

Again to clarify.

My MIL asked her mum for the loan that my husband took for marriage and gold NOT studying.

MIL and FIL live off the hefty inheritance that my FILs father left him and have done so since forever.

I am British born.

I lived with my DS & BIL for two semesters while I was at uni.
My mum paid them rent & food for me - I’ve no idea how much. I worked part time and paid for everything else.
It was such an imposition. I stayed in my room & that made them angry. If I studied at their kitchen table, that made them angry. I was difficult and spoiled and finally moved out.
It was just a mistake all the way around.
I still feel guilty about it - I’m 67.

Don’t do it @BritishDesiGirl— if you value your relationship with your BIL, don’t do it.

This is not for you to have to do anything. You and your DH agree what you are comfortable with eg accomodation and food but no expenses. Your DH needs to then tell his mother to back off and to communicate the deal with his brother. If his brother has an issue he can find his own accommodation.

Surely you can say that a house with a screaming newborn baby in it would not be a good place for a young man to study. Drop hints that you will be expecting babysitting.

I think that whispergold has the best advice to be fair.

I would do the accommodation but not the loan. You’ll never see the money back

My MIL asked her mum for the loan that my husband took for marriage and gold NOT studying

Okay, thanks for clarifying OP

So I'll ask again: do you actually know that he repaid the money to his family, or - knowing you'd got enough to support him - have they let him off and just let you pick up the tab instead?

I know he paid it back. There is not a chance in hell they would have let him off. His mother is very money oriented.

They all sound vile and greedy. Your pathetic husband, included.

I know he paid it back

Fair enough, OP - at least that's one worry less

I don't thin k you've said how DH feels about this strange plan of your MIL's though; is he in favour of doing it?

Sorry but the headline should read ‘husband and me’. This mistake makes me so cross.

I do a double take every time I see it! 😄

The family are leaching off you. No reason to pay them £200 a month. They have an inheritance to live off, they don't need any money for living expenses until all the inheritance is spent. They're spending your money instead of their own, which is out of order.

I'd tell them that now baby has arrived and, as everyone knows DC are expensive, that now is a good time to stop with the present buying on special occasions. It's literally a waste of time and just another way for them to leach off you. You buy them presents, you also give them money for them to buy you a present. What's the point? You'll do much better to stop buying them presents and just buy whatever you need for yourself, or at least scale it right down to token gifts for £10 or something. A new baby is a chance for you to set new traditions for your own nuclear family. I'd be taking full advantage of that opportunity to reset expectations with DH CF family and stop all the leaching.

If they can't afford medical bills how about they use some of their inheritance to take out medical insurance? That would solve the problem without involving you and DH. It's clear the way they behave isn't a cultural thing but a greed thing.

You basically paid for your own wedding and gold yourself then. Without being consulted first if that's what you wanted to do. Because your husband was more bothered about keeping up appearances than being honest with his wife. It makes no difference whether you literally paid for the wedding and gold or he paid the loan back after marriage while you paid all living expenses for 2.5yrs, the end result is the same - he caused you to have to pay for £20k worth of stuff you weren't expecting to. You paid, not him. That's a pretty shitty thing for him to do to you.

DH hasn't even got your back about telling his mum to back off, that she's the grandma not the mother to your DC. She rules him and that's not good in a marriage, you married him not her! So, you have a DH problem. The MIL problem would disappear if he ruled his own life instead of her ruling it. He chooses not to do that. Meaning he chooses MIL over you, his own wife.

I wouldn't host BIL at all. The thing has disaster written all over it. You're going to be a new mum needing support, you definitely don't need another spoilt brat person to run round after! Much better if BIL stays elsewhere and you have him over for a meal occasionally and hopefully he reciprocates with the invitation to you and DH. You're giving up too much control over yourself and your own life to DH family if you have BIL to stay. They shouldn't have any control over you and yours/DH's life, I definitely wouldn't be giving them more.

You have a DH problem.

Your MIL sounds like something of a monster, so he's probably afraid of her.

They're sponging cheeky fuckers exploiting cultural pressures, plus a touch of FOG - fear, obligation and guilt - on your husband's part.

Your daughter - YOU are her mother. She calls you mum. She calls her Granny. End of. Make sure she understands she is not to call anyone else mum. And every time MIL tries it, repeat 'No. I am mum. You are granny.' If she persists, take your daughter out of the room and ensure DD understands Granny is being silly. You have another baby on the way and need this nonsense snipped off.

And with another baby on the way you have your hands full. Plus you may have post birth things to cope with - a grown man sponging off you is unnecessary.

Tell them - including your husband - you won't be able to cope with a house guest as well as child and new baby.

And tell them you won't be able to support them any more - you have your own family to support.

Say NO.

The MIL as Mum thing is an attempt by her to control the next generation and undermine you at the same time. "I'm your mum, you do what I say". Except she isn't.

How is he paying for the Master's course? I know there are different fees for international students, but he might be eligible for student loans or grants/bursaries from the university.

It's definitely not your job to fund his lifestyle, and I think you will just have to be straight up about that with your MIL, but it needs to come from you and him together.

Big fat NO! As a foreign student he would be entitled to funding and I'm sure he could secure a part time job to get him some sort of salary to subsidise his lifestyle. Even if you were to help him out with accommodation in the short term - you have two small children! I'd say you put your family first. If your MIL wants to help then she needs to get her purse out! Perhaps your DH can suggest this.