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Original poster

MIL expecting husband and l to fund BIL lifestyle

269 replies

BritishDesiGirl · 12/09/2023 14:21

My brother in law is coming to the U.K to do a masters degree next year. I agreed with my husband that he could stay with us while completing his degree. We are also happy for him to stay while he gets a job and works during his two year work visa.

I have now come to know that my MIL expects us to pay for everything for BIL without any expectation for this money to be paid in the future.

This includes funding his expensive taste for shoes and clothes, driving lessons he said he wants to take, paying for his travel to and fro university, days out and basically anything else.

I was happy to let him live rent free with no bills, food provided. Basic needs met.

I told my husband that other things like the above would have to be on a loan basis as we have just started saving for house and have two children and pur own expenditures

My MIL has previously loaned her children money but now she expects something different.

I am looking for advice on how to approach this with MIL.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 12/09/2023 16:51

That’s such a long time to agree to anyone staying with you, I struggle with visitors after 3 days though! Your dh needs to be much more direct and tell his mother and brother what you will and won’t pay for

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 12/09/2023 16:53

Dear MIL,

BIL is your child, not ours, so we are going to fund our two children, not yours.

Love,

@BritishDesiGirl.

Ladyofthelake53 · 12/09/2023 16:57

Absolute piss take you are being generous enough not charging rent or good. Nope......

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baSIix · 12/09/2023 17:01

I’m assuming you’re Asian by the username.
Asian here myself so I would suggest your husband to raise this with MIL/BIL.
Anything you say will be twisted and that’s the last thing you need.
Your husband can lay down the expectations etc and if he wants to fulfil these demands, he needs to know he can do so once you and the kids are sorted.

menopausalmare · 12/09/2023 17:07

You've gone above and beyond allowing him to stay with you. I personally wouldn't have offered that.

blackpooolrock · 12/09/2023 17:08

NO is a complete sentence.

BowiesJumper · 12/09/2023 17:12

A loan from the MIL or you? Doubt you’ll be paid back if it’s coming from you?!

ModeWeasel · 12/09/2023 17:14

Don’t loan it either you will never get it back.

historyrepeatz · 12/09/2023 17:16

Does MIL and BIL know that your DH does not fund all your lifestyle and that you share that responsibility and you have in fact done more than that. If you can't answer yes or aren't sure then make it crystal clear. I really regret not doing this with my in-laws.

User5512 · 12/09/2023 17:18

The thing with desi inlaws : give an inch, they want a mile! You’ve already offered too much. You should have said no, then “finally” agreed to just letting him live with you all rent free.

writingfever · 12/09/2023 17:21

It's a long time to host somebody OP. If you can't refuse outright, in your place I would say he is welcome stay only for the duration of the degree. On a student visa he can work 20 hours a week - that should be at least 600 pounds a month if he gets two shifts in a cafe or shop, which is what a lot of international students do. If he wants to drive then Deliveroo etc are also options. You can ask for 350 for food and living expenses (which is still highly subsidised) and the other half he can spend on travel and lunch etc. If you're feeling generous and you don't need the money, you can save up some of it and use it to help set him up with rent deposit and furniture etc when he starts working full time. Can also use the money as a soft landing if he's intolerable and you want him to move to a house share. Also if he's eligible for an international license he might be able to learn to drive, if he doesn't already, before he arrives and can then do a few refresher classes here which will cost much less. I agree with PP that you husband should have this conversation and not you, and that he should speak to his brother directly. Your husband should tell BIL that PT jobs are useful for practicing soft skills that will be needed later when working full time and make the transition to work easier. If BIL expresses issues with doing these jobs then I would be concerned about how he might be difficult to live with in terms of doing his share of chores etc.

SheilaFentiman · 12/09/2023 17:23

The point raised above about a long term guest if you are currently renting is a good one - check you are allowed this.

76evie · 12/09/2023 17:25

I wouldn’t even do a loan arrangement as you won’t get it back. I would stick firm with your already generous offer of housing him at yours for free.

MeridianB · 12/09/2023 17:30

Presumably your MIL is not in the UK, otherwise she should host him.

Totally agree with PPs - cut out MIL, speak to BIL directly and check the funding requirements for his visa. Explain cost of living here and what he will need to earn to fund his own lifestyle. Confirm there won't be maid service - he will need to tidy up after himself and do his own laundry.

Mostly, do not loan him any money.

Can he do his masters in Pakistan if he can't afford to come?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 12/09/2023 17:38

BritishDesiGirl · 12/09/2023 14:35

No my husband was given a loan which he paid off, l funded our lifestyle while he did this. Having had no idea that he was given a loan before marriage.

Show quote history

Hi MIL, I have already made my contribution to family funding by funding my husband myself whilst he did his degree - even though he had a loan for this purpose which I only found out about after we married.

Im sorry I cannot fund board and lodging for your relative for more than two years as you have asked, as I have my own family to provide for and we are saving for a house for our own children. I certainly would not pay for your relative's driving lessons, social entertainment and designer clothing. I'm afraid you will have to find another person willing to fund them.

Honeychickpea · 12/09/2023 17:45

MeridianB · 12/09/2023 17:30

Presumably your MIL is not in the UK, otherwise she should host him.

Totally agree with PPs - cut out MIL, speak to BIL directly and check the funding requirements for his visa. Explain cost of living here and what he will need to earn to fund his own lifestyle. Confirm there won't be maid service - he will need to tidy up after himself and do his own laundry.

Mostly, do not loan him any money.

Can he do his masters in Pakistan if he can't afford to come?

I suspect his mother would prefer him to do his masters in the UK so that his expensive tastes are no longer her problem.

GameOverBoys · 12/09/2023 17:47

You bank rolled your husband and now you’re expected to do the same for your BIL? Are there any more family members they want you to be financially responsible for? Tell them to jog on.

Shinyandnew1 · 12/09/2023 17:51

@BritishDesiGirl If she funded her son (your DH) with a loan which he had to pay back, why doesn’t she do the same to her other son? It’s her child, not yours.

I wouldn’t be having his brother to stay, but that clearly doesn’t bother you.

I told my husband that other things like the above would have to be on a loan basis as we have just started saving for house and have two children and pur own expenditures

This is just crazy though. If you ‘loan’ him money to spunk on designer shoes and driving lessons, you will NEVER see it again.

The only answer is for him to not have any of those things (like other people who don’t have enough money for them) and he can have them in the future, when he’s got a job and is independent.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 12/09/2023 18:00

Dear MIL,

Ny allowing BIL to stay, we are gifting BIL the following:

  1. 24 months if free rent which equates to £×
  2. 24 months of electricity, totalling £y
  3. 24 months of heating costs which amounts to £z
  4. 24 WiFi usage
  5. TV channels
  6. Anything else you can thing off - dinner etc

As you can see this totals a lot of money and this is the total assistance we can afford.

If he wishes to purchase driving licenses or clothes it, he will have to fund it himself as we don't have the capacity to do so. If this is a problem, perhaps a move to study in the UK is an incorrect choice for me at present.

TheFormidableMrsC · 12/09/2023 18:30

I wouldn't let him move in at all after that. Are you mad? He can get student accommodation like everybody else and work to support himself. Jesus Christ even my daughter did that because she knew I couldn't afford it. What an absolute nerve. I think if you let him move in you'll be setting yourselves up for nothing but trouble!

Haze193 · 12/09/2023 18:32

Hi OP, if you was you I wouldn’t give any loans. You are not likely to be paid back.

maryberryslayers · 12/09/2023 18:40

That's ridiculous. I wouldn't even do it on a loan basis as if they are that entitled then you'll likely never see it back. If he wants to stay with you then MIL will need to pay his way in advance.

Please tell me he'll be expected to do his own cooking, washing and fair share of cleaning?

Don't be a mug!!

TommyJoesMummy · 12/09/2023 18:47

“No MIL, I do not wish to adopt your son as my third child”
Good grief! I’d probably mention to your DH that after that extra segment of information you are looking at changing your mind on him staying full stop.
Sounds like a bad idea to get into this for the next 2 years. At least a lodger pays, keeps to their room and can be asked to leave quite quickly. Good luck!

DreamItDoIt · 12/09/2023 18:51

I wouldn't be even letting him live rent free. Will he be doing all how own laundry and cooking or are you his maid as well?

I would be saying you've thought about it and it just won't work.

OhCobblers · 12/09/2023 18:55

I don't believe for a minute that any loan you gave would be paid back by your BIl or his mother.
Tread very carefully OP.
Do not agree to clean up after him or do laundry etc either.
I can see this being a bloody nightmare for you!!