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Original poster

MIL expecting husband and l to fund BIL lifestyle

269 replies

BritishDesiGirl · 12/09/2023 14:21

My brother in law is coming to the U.K to do a masters degree next year. I agreed with my husband that he could stay with us while completing his degree. We are also happy for him to stay while he gets a job and works during his two year work visa.

I have now come to know that my MIL expects us to pay for everything for BIL without any expectation for this money to be paid in the future.

This includes funding his expensive taste for shoes and clothes, driving lessons he said he wants to take, paying for his travel to and fro university, days out and basically anything else.

I was happy to let him live rent free with no bills, food provided. Basic needs met.

I told my husband that other things like the above would have to be on a loan basis as we have just started saving for house and have two children and pur own expenditures

My MIL has previously loaned her children money but now she expects something different.

I am looking for advice on how to approach this with MIL.

OP posts:
Ghostjail · 12/09/2023 15:35

I would reconsider the offer to allow him to stay. The demands are clearly unreasonable and anyone who makes these kinds of demands will think nothing of abusing your hospitality. Unless you enjoy being a house-maid and money pot!

Lentilweaver · 12/09/2023 15:39

historyrepeatz · 12/09/2023 15:29

My Pakistani in-laws have cost us a fortune and so much grief. They only ever expect more.

Do not loan him money he will not pay it back especially if his family doesn't think he should.

Do they think because you are in the UK that you are rolling in it? When they convert pounds to rupees you will seem rich but they are often very clueless as to the cost of living here. The only way they can understand is by doing it for themselves like teenagers getting their first jobs and realising the value of money.

You need to break things down to BIL very plainly and clearly. Don't ever think something is obvious. If you are housing him and feeding him then it sounds like that is already a leg up on what your DH had. They, however, will not see it that way and they will be unlikely to see it as any bother or cost to you.

He needs to get a job to help support himself.

As to others saying he would have had to show funds for his visa yes he would but fraud in that respect is very common. Any relative/ friend / combination of both could have loaned him money for that specific purpose.

This is good advice.

I don't think AIBU is a good place to post this, as people are just going to keep yelling at you for being a mug without understanding the cultural context.

GoryBory · 12/09/2023 15:41

Your MIL needs to do exactly what she did for DH.

What does DH think about it?

Is he not annoyed that his brother is getting treated differently to him?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
diddl · 12/09/2023 15:42

This includes funding his expensive taste for shoes and clothes,

Has he nothing to bring with him then that he can wash between wears & will last his stay??

I'd be saying a complete no tbh.

If husband insists I'd rethink him.

It's unlikely he didn't know what funding you would be expected to do.

LookItsMeAgain · 12/09/2023 15:42

My suggestion on how to respond to your MiL's new position:

"Hi MiL,
I believe you've been speaking with DH and have let him know that when BiL shows up to stay with us while he completes his degree in X university, that you're now expecting DH & I to provide funds for driving lessons and countless other things for BiL during his stay.
With this new updated information, I think that it really would be best for BiL to apply for accommodation on campus so that he can have the full student experience. I'm sure you understand that we cannot provide for BiL if that means that our own children will be missing out. BiL is able to apply for work when he is here and can earn money himself to cover his incidental expenses.
Hope you and FiL are keeping well. All the best @BritishDesiGirl"
or something to that effect

tara66 · 12/09/2023 15:43

Is bil allowed to work part time during his studies? If so, he needs to get a job. Also you can say mortgage and other daily expenses and costs are very high now - electric, gas, petrol, food etc so no freebies possible. And you may have a child etc so no room ?.

windmill26 · 12/09/2023 15:44

Your husband needs to speak up. I wouldn't want to be saddled with anyone staying with us longer than a couple of weeks let alone paying for the privilege!
NO to stay for free,he needs to find himself a part time job and contribute towards rent and food . In regards to anything else that you have listed...he can go without!

WallaceinAnderland · 12/09/2023 15:45

You and your DH are adults so you say calmly and clearly 'we are offering living accommodation only which will include food and utilities that is all'.

Use your grown up voices.

Britsy · 12/09/2023 15:46

Lol I knew without even opening the thread that you were desi and most of these responses do not take the cultural norms into account at all.

Its all very well saying ‘tell them to piss off’ but OP could never do that.

Ive been in a similar position and just to put across the other side of the coin, it can work out and isn’t just all negatives. Realistically your BIL will want to move out himself once he acclimatizes to uk life and makes friends etc, for the freedom. ‘Pocket money’ should be minimal to encourage him to get a part time job of his own….people back home do have very expensive tastes and lavish lifestyles etc but they do change that mindset very quickly when put on a budget.

Teach him how to use the washing machine and vacumn cleaner when he arrives, his laundry and room cleaning is his responsibility and he’ll eat whatever you cook for yourselves.

During Covid it was the same BIL whom I hadn’t wanted to come and stay, that turned out to be our lifeline when we hit a financial tough spot and he ended up paying our mortgage for several months.

CurlewKate · 12/09/2023 15:47

I'd bypass her and you and your dp talk to your bil and make sure he knows exactly where he-and you-stand.

Jaemoon · 12/09/2023 15:47

diddl · 12/09/2023 15:42

This includes funding his expensive taste for shoes and clothes,

Has he nothing to bring with him then that he can wash between wears & will last his stay??

I'd be saying a complete no tbh.

If husband insists I'd rethink him.

It's unlikely he didn't know what funding you would be expected to do.

Edited

If he can afford the masters degree fees as an international student and the travel to the UK, he can more than afford shoes and clothes.

This is more about MIL/BIL expecting the elder brother to coddle the younger brother, which is ridiculous.

Lentilweaver · 12/09/2023 15:49

There are very few S Asian families who take rent from relatives, so there is no point telling OP she needs to demand rent from her BIL. Also there is no point posters saying they won't tolerate any guests for more than two weeks. That's not how it works in S Asian culture.

shams05 · 12/09/2023 15:50

I think you need to back out of the housing agreement as soon you can and tell him to find a house share of other like minded individuals
Depending on where you live there'll definitely be other young men from Pakistan here to study.
Around us there's quite a few rental homes like this, only difference is they're from India. They cook and share all house related responsibilities between them.
If that's not possible then you need to let bil know the lay of the land and that he'll need to pay his way.
How old is he?
Has he no money of his own at all?

Lentilweaver · 12/09/2023 15:52

Can you say your DC will disturb his studies and his coming and going? Therefore better for him to find a room with other young men?

ReadingSoManyThreads · 12/09/2023 15:53

You say you are saving for a house, does this mean you currently rent? If so, it's highly likely a breach of your tenancy agreement to have someone else move in with you.

In terms of the realities here, if allowed by your Landlord, then yes, I'd let him stay as you've agreed, however, he absolutely would have to pay for his own food and all of his own travel and purchases.

Your MIL is crazy expecting you to fund his lavish lifestyle.

Your BIL could do what a lot of students do and get this thing called a part-time job. That'll cover his food, and driving lessons.

Jaemoon · 12/09/2023 15:54

Lentilweaver · 12/09/2023 15:49

There are very few S Asian families who take rent from relatives, so there is no point telling OP she needs to demand rent from her BIL. Also there is no point posters saying they won't tolerate any guests for more than two weeks. That's not how it works in S Asian culture.

I think there is a point, times have changed. I was born in Pakistan but I'm Gen X and would expect a long term guest to pay rent.

And I would only tolerate closest family members for longer than 2 weeks. But even then they would start to annoy me after 2 weeks.

Lottie2shoes · 12/09/2023 15:55

I would say nothing to the in laws. You will only look like the bad one even thought they are the ones being cheeky f*ers.
Lay down the rules with your husband, making sure he is fully on your side and understands that you cannot afford especially if you have kids.
Tell him that you may be able to do drops offa sometimes but driving lessons, days out and all other non essential stuff, that will come out of his own wages especially since he will not be paying bed and board.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 12/09/2023 15:57

You have your own family to consider regardless of what cultural expectations MiL
I would simply say No considering MiL has changed her mind about giving him a loan
Do his visa conditions allow him to work around his studies?
Most students get a job in hospitality( mine did)
Could he get university accommodation even though he's doing a masters?
Can he stay with MiL for a while until he gets himself sorted?
I really don't think
It's right expecting you to fund his lifestyle

LogicVoid · 12/09/2023 15:59

Who is paying the uni fees? They are going to be expensive...

Batalax · 12/09/2023 16:01

Yes definitely set out expectations before he arrives. It’s easier to go in hard and then relax the reins a bit, than it is to go in soft and then have to try to set more rules.

category12 · 12/09/2023 16:02

I think you should say to her that BIL will need to find a part-time job for his luxuries/learning to drive (or will need to be loaned the money by her/other family).

It's more than generous to house and feed him for free for a couple of years.

adriftinadenofvipers · 12/09/2023 16:02

I know I am not fully au fait with Asian culture, but surely if you are living in the UK, you've adapted to that culture?

I think it's beyond unreasonable to expect you to fund your BIL's lifestyle when you have children and are saving for your own home. I can't see why your MIL would fund one son albeit via a loan arrangement, and not the other.

How does your husband feel about all of this?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 12/09/2023 16:02

Does you mil have any concept of house expensive the Uk is and another mouth to feed is already too much for you?

To und his lifestyle bil can get a loan or pt job like all other students. If he can't live off this then he shouldn't be coming to the Uk to study he should stay in his parents house and study at a uk uni online or somewhere local

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 12/09/2023 16:03

If your husband insists on agreeing with his mother then it needs to come out of his own personal fun money budgets like he has to cut back on his golf or his tech or whatever he likes to spend on, it's not coming from you or your children's budgets

mrsbitaly · 12/09/2023 16:04

That's honestly ridiculous and not practical at all and not your responsibility. I wouldn't even loan it, offering a place to stay is more than you being supportive.

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