MIL expecting husband and l to fund BIL lifestyle

[BritishDesiGirl]

My brother in law is coming to the U.K to do a masters degree next year. I agreed with my husband that he could stay with us while completing his degree. We are also happy for him to stay while he gets a job and works during his two year work visa.

I have now come to know that my MIL expects us to pay for everything for BIL without any expectation for this money to be paid in the future.

This includes funding his expensive taste for shoes and clothes, driving lessons he said he wants to take, paying for his travel to and fro university, days out and basically anything else.

I was happy to let him live rent free with no bills, food provided. Basic needs met.

I told my husband that other things like the above would have to be on a loan basis as we have just started saving for house and have two children and pur own expenditures

My MIL has previously loaned her children money but now she expects something different.

I am looking for advice on how to approach this with MIL.

Unless there's some cultural issue at play here, why on earth do YOU need to be the one to talk to MIL? Surely you and your Dh agree between you what you are comfortable providing. Then, either together or just your DH communicates this to your BIL and, if appropriate, your MIL.

We had a nephew stay for a while. Dh and I agreed up front what we were willing to accept. In our case, we said he could stay rent and bill (including food) free for 3 months. We paid for his transport for his first month as he had no money on arrival and didn't get paid until the end of the first month. He was welcome to take food from here for packed lunches and we gave him a small amount of cash for incidental expenses when he arrived - about £100 I think. He was 22 but I treated him as I would a son who lived at home - so he was asked to load/unload dishwasher, set tables, briefly look after our DC when necessary etc and got sent to the shop for bread/milk as needed. He did his own washing and kept his own room clean and tidy. And I gave him a set list of things that had to be in the fridge when I opened it in the morning to make breakfast and kids' packed lunches (DH's family are notorious for midnight grazing! )

I would go straight to the source, explain to BIL how it’s going to be so no confusion.

This is what your DH needs to say, in writing to his mother and his brother. 'This is the deal. We will give him a bed/gas/electricity and feed him. Everything else he will have to fund himself- clothes, shoes, toiletries, travel, driving lessons, lap-top, visits to places, holidays. All we are providing is a bed/room, energy used and food. Britain is a very expensive country so you will want to make sure you and he know where he is funding everything from as we are not able to pay for any of it. It would be a pity if he could not manage and had to return home to you.'

You then need to know how he is going to fund those things - before he comes.

I don't think you need to go nuclear. I would make it clear that BIL will be treated as you would treat a grown-up child in your home. He needs to find a part-time job around his studies if his visa allows, make a small financial contribution to running the home and pull his weight with chores and cooking. In exchange, he gets to live rent-free and share the house food (and you might help with basics like affordable clothes and toiletries until he finds a job). But he's not going to be living it up with expensive meals out and designer clothes at your expense. Essentially he's going to be treated as an everyday, contributing member of the household not an honoured guest.

Mmm, go straight to the BIL... tell him to ignore what (I assume) his Mummy is telling him. She doesn't live where you live, she doesn't understand how things work or how much it costs to live here.

Room + food that you're cooking for yourselves, at the times you are cooking it.

Everything else, he provides for himself via a part time job.

He helps around the house.

No likey, no stay.

And if HE kicks off then you can tell him how shameful it is that a fully grown man would take the food and clothing from your little children. Because that is what he will be doing if he expects you to support him financially.

Rent free, food free if they eat with you and eat what you choose. Otherwise, he pays for himself. If he doesn't like it, he can find other digs. And I'd tell the MIL to mind her own business.

How much are the degree fees? A masters degree is typically a year?

Did he not have to state/prove he has enough funds to support himself when he applied for his visa?

Is his visa education and part time work? If so does he not intend to work ?

What do you mean 'adapted to that culture'?

British Asians (or other BAME Brits) often have to do a balancing act of two cultures.

We are much more au fait with adaptation then most people could even dream of.

I suspect , as a PP said, it's a case of you MIL not understanding the cost of living here vs your income.
Clearly you are going to house him and he can eat what you eat. The rest I guess it depends on what you can and want to afford after discussing with your DH.

So for example, you could say to your MIL. Yes we're happy to give him and home and food and we will give him spending money of £100 per month and he can spend it how he likes. Anything he wants above that he can do a job and pay the extra. MIL may be happy with this ! BIL won't once he arrives but then it's all agreed in advance !

Sorry but we just can't afford this level of financial assistance. We have our own children to provide for and are saving up, for a house. Not sure I would even let the offer of free board stand. It's obvious going to be a lot more than that.,

I wouldn't let him come live with you until a conversation has been had about what you will and will not cover.

For example, he can have a room (if you have one), but he'll need to buy his own personal items, clothing, food and arrange transport. If he wants to learn to drive, he'll need to self-fund. You're not his parents; you have your own responsibilities and things you're saving up for.

If inlaws complain, they can pay for him to stay elsewhere.

Fully agree that you need to know his visa conditions and whether it’s been granted on the basis that family(especially you) are funding his stay. Access to public funds/benefits will be restricted/prohibited so that leaves you as guarantor effectively. Worst case scenario obviously. But you need to know where you stand.

Well meaning relatives found themselves hosting a distant cousin who got a slew of credit cards and left the country with them unpaid causing untold hassle.

Love it! 😂

Assuming your Mil doesn't have control over your bank account, just say no. He is staying for free which will save him tens of thousands. That's enough.

Is it possible that in her mind, the loan she gave your DH has set him up so that he can provide for his siblings in this way? That she has 'created' a wealthy child who can fund the rest of her children - and therefore she won't need to set them up or help any further? I'm trying to get my head around it. You've walked into a situation that might have been brewing long long before you arrived.

The OP and her DH both need to be in complete agreement about this before talking to the BIL. It is none of the MIL's business, and she needs to keep her nose out of it.

I suspect , as a PP said, it's a case of you MIL not understanding the cost of living here vs your income.

This is exactly it. Everyone in S Asia thinks everyone in the UK is rich. Actually, most of my relatives have more fun money than I do.

As for adapting to British culture, we all do in different ways. My mum comes and stays with me for months because the flight is expensive. I don't charge her rent.

I would not be keen on my BIL staying for 2 years plus though. But when my BIL visited for two weeks, we hosted him and paid for trips. And when we visited him in the States, he did the same.

without understanding the cultural context.
The cultural context for families in the UK is that they're not a sponge for relatives. The OP's husband has already been dishonest about pre-marriage debts and she's had to fund him while he repaid it. She owes these spongers nothing, she should be withdrawing any offer for him to live for free, if her husband insists on doing so he should be responsible for all the extra feeding, washing and cleaning the relative creates.

Don't just tell her to piss off.

Renegotiate the entire deal 1-1 with your BIL.

He should pay rent and this should be enough to cover food and a share of utilities and broadband.

These people are treating you the way you let them treat you. You were mugs to agree to let him live rent free.

Well if it worked like that, it would be fine.

You're saying that it won't be for 2/3/4 years but only a few weeks (really?), that he'll get a job (will he and is he allowed to work if he's here on a student visa?) and in the short time he lives with the OP, he'll do his share of cleaning and laundry (will he now?).

Trouble is that if it works out like the OP fears and she's paying for a manchild with expensive tastes and running round after him, resentment will quickly set in.

Only you can make a decision about what you will support, which you have listed. I absolutely wouldn't pay for any more or loan anyone in this situation money. Your MIL can loan the money.

Often in these situations the H does not want to say No to his Mother, & has been bigging up the reality of his life style, (I paid you back, with no mention of the refund coming from OP) Now having told his Mother what he earns & what car you have,
My guess he will not refuse, because he will have to lose face.
OP is going to have to refuse. say "NO its not happening We don't have the money & we are not taking a loan out".

this is so typical. People in South Asian countries (especially where I am from) assume that everyone here is rolling in money. you are in a difficult position OP. you can't say anything directly to MIL as this would cause chaos for you.

ask DH to point blank refuse, and no loan either as you will never ever get it back. ultimately your BIL needs to show proof of quite a significant amount of funds in his name to qualify for a visa. so if he doesn't have the funds, he can't come. its a lot tougher than it was.

ideally he should stay at uni residence, this will get rid of 90% of the headache. if he has been brought up in pakistan, he will expect you to wait on him hand and foot and be grateful for the opportunity to host him most likely. men brought up by doting south Asian mothers even if 'nice' have an inherent sense of entitlement. most likely he will make your life miserable.

I couldn’t think of anything worse than my BIL coming to stay with us. I don’t think I could tolerate him for three days, let alone three years. Nope.

I understand that there are cultural issues …but…your DH’s family are a long way away, does it really matter if you upset them by saying no? You could always do that “uh, sorry, what was that?, the line is breaking up” thing.

Anyway, I hope your BIL is a really nice, clean and helpful person at the very least.