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Original poster

MIL expecting husband and l to fund BIL lifestyle

269 replies

BritishDesiGirl · 12/09/2023 14:21

My brother in law is coming to the U.K to do a masters degree next year. I agreed with my husband that he could stay with us while completing his degree. We are also happy for him to stay while he gets a job and works during his two year work visa.

I have now come to know that my MIL expects us to pay for everything for BIL without any expectation for this money to be paid in the future.

This includes funding his expensive taste for shoes and clothes, driving lessons he said he wants to take, paying for his travel to and fro university, days out and basically anything else.

I was happy to let him live rent free with no bills, food provided. Basic needs met.

I told my husband that other things like the above would have to be on a loan basis as we have just started saving for house and have two children and pur own expenditures

My MIL has previously loaned her children money but now she expects something different.

I am looking for advice on how to approach this with MIL.

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 12/09/2023 19:01

@Jaemoon, that’s not what I said. It’s none of MIL’s business.

steppemum · 12/09/2023 19:06

I do think it is very difficult if this is the cultural norm.

My mums best friend and her husband had to fund his younger brother all through medical school in the UK. It left them constantly worrying about money. There was no way that they oculd not have done it and still had a family.

Years later, when the younger brother was working as a consultant in England, and married to a similar high level doctor, my mums friend and her husband really needed help. He was sick, and they were struggling.
They asked the brother.
They brother did nothing. What is more it turned out that he and his wife were up to their eyes in debt. Having been spoon fed everything for years he never learnt to budget and value money.

The older brother was expected to fund the younger ones, even into old age.

Newnamefor23 · 12/09/2023 19:10

You are giving quite enough. May be MIL could help you out too?

If your BIL needs more then its either work and/or a loan from MIL

If she’s concerns about him blowing it all at once then suggest a weekly/monthly allowance. This should be directly from her. If your OH acts as an intermediary then it’ll allow in another potential trouble spot.

Interested in this thread?

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Families
Teegrace · 12/09/2023 19:11

I totally agree. Tell him it's best he stays in school accommodation to prevent family drama down the line. Like another poster said advise him to get a part time job. What is your husband's stand in all this? Is he in support.of his family?

Lorraine1963 · 12/09/2023 19:13

You need to stop this arrangement in its tracks and pull right back to the beginning.
What an outrageous expectation of you.
This needs to be addressed before he lands on your doorstep!
Families aside this is your life and its wrong!

Clymene · 12/09/2023 19:14

No. Your BIL is an adult. Your role is not to fund his lifestyle and education.

Fabulousdahlink · 12/09/2023 19:14

Yes, speak directly, your husband to his brother, you live with us while you study. You'll need a part time job to pay for your travel, clothes and leisure activities. We'll help you look, but you MUST get a job. Forward your CV and we will send it around.We are not paying for anything other than your room and food nor loaning you money.

If that's ok, you are welcome to stay with us, if you don't like it, go live with MIL, she seems to think that's all ok. Your husband and You do NOT need to include MIL as a 3rd party.

123MP · 12/09/2023 19:18

Don't even say no, just don't do it....

icannotsay · 12/09/2023 19:24

WhisperGold · 12/09/2023 14:24

Tell her to piss off?

Exactly what I was thinking ...

caringcarer · 12/09/2023 19:27

I'd be telling MiL and BiL that you will allow him to board with you but MiL will need to give him a loan he can pay back after he qualifies and gets a job, to pay for his lifestyle and incidentals. Explain you are saving for a house.

Josell12345 · 12/09/2023 19:37

Mine too. I was going to say is this a joke. Buy his clothes and provide driving lessons? Bloody comedian. Someone needs an urgent reality check.

Bored1000 · 12/09/2023 19:50

Can’t he get a part time job to pay for all his expenditures, he isn’t going to be studying for a masters all day every day,
A lot of people do masters while holding down full time jobs.

Gcsunnyside23 · 12/09/2023 19:55

No is a full sentence

YouTubeIsYourMotherNow · 12/09/2023 20:24

From a Pakistani cultural perspective:

My sister had this issue and it was proposed that a male relative of her husband's stay with my sister and her husband plus little child. If her husband hadn't, then our own father would have shot it down at once. It's not appropriate in the tiny homes that we have in the UK for us to be living in such close quarters with non-mahram males, and my sister is far from being a hijabi conservative. She has a degree and like you, has drive and works to earn her way. You shouldn't be forced to do this either. Presumably there would be times you'd be left alone in the house with the BIL without your husband - totally inappropriate. If you're not Muslim then this is unlikely to apply.

Be wary of loans - they won't be paid back.
Also be aware, depending on yours and your husband's citizenship status, I don't know if you could get into legal hot water if the BIL decides to break the terms of the student visa or overstay the visa. The fact that he's work shy suggests he is actually planning to do the degree but you never know.

Thirdly the official line is YOU HAVE NO OPINION ON THE MATTER. Your DH needs to express to his family that whilst you are the ever accommodating and generous person, HE is uncomfortable with the living arrangement and would not wish his wife to be uneasy. HE doesn't think it's a good idea. HIS finances can't manage it. The number of in-laws relationships that could be salvaged by you all handling your own wacko families' unreasonable requests and protecting your own spouse from them is astonishing.

steppemum · 12/09/2023 20:27

YouTubeIsYourMotherNow · 12/09/2023 20:24

From a Pakistani cultural perspective:

My sister had this issue and it was proposed that a male relative of her husband's stay with my sister and her husband plus little child. If her husband hadn't, then our own father would have shot it down at once. It's not appropriate in the tiny homes that we have in the UK for us to be living in such close quarters with non-mahram males, and my sister is far from being a hijabi conservative. She has a degree and like you, has drive and works to earn her way. You shouldn't be forced to do this either. Presumably there would be times you'd be left alone in the house with the BIL without your husband - totally inappropriate. If you're not Muslim then this is unlikely to apply.

Be wary of loans - they won't be paid back.
Also be aware, depending on yours and your husband's citizenship status, I don't know if you could get into legal hot water if the BIL decides to break the terms of the student visa or overstay the visa. The fact that he's work shy suggests he is actually planning to do the degree but you never know.

Thirdly the official line is YOU HAVE NO OPINION ON THE MATTER. Your DH needs to express to his family that whilst you are the ever accommodating and generous person, HE is uncomfortable with the living arrangement and would not wish his wife to be uneasy. HE doesn't think it's a good idea. HIS finances can't manage it. The number of in-laws relationships that could be salvaged by you all handling your own wacko families' unreasonable requests and protecting your own spouse from them is astonishing.

this is such a great reply.

Clarich007 · 12/09/2023 20:37

This situation is absolutely 100% unreasonable .It would be my worst nightmare.
Why just why should you put up with it.Is there a family or cultural reason for it.?And for years too.Sorry I wouldn't allow or put up with it.How do you feel about it

IndysMamaRex · 13/09/2023 07:21

Absolutely not! BIL can get a part time job like 99.9% of other students. I’d make it clear from the start your not charging him rent food etc but EVERYTHING else he must provide for himself or MIL has to.

you have 2 children so your funds need to go to supporting them not a grown man.

how old is BIL? Why can’t he find student accommodation etc?

Moanyoldmoan · 13/09/2023 07:43

i thought I used to have the MIL from hell. Wow. No. Absolutely No. To any of it

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 13/09/2023 07:47

Just to add another note. When I took on my mortgage, all my adult children, who lived in the property, were asked to sign an indemnity. This was to state that they had no stake in the property, in case I couldn’t make the payments. as they were adults living in the house. I was unaware, until then, that adults living in a house, COULD have a claim by default. Just be careful to cover your back, if you are considering allowing him to live with you.

Gumptionesque · 13/09/2023 07:50

Reiterate that you’re happy to support BIL with a room and board, but that your budget won’t support anything above that. When he comes to stay just stick to this. He can ask for everything and anything, but the answer will always be no.

ZenNudist · 13/09/2023 07:55

another vote for having no part in housing him. You'd be an absolute mug to take on a dependent when you need to save for a home.

if he does come make it conditional that he pulls his weight or he's out. Don't do all the vooking and cleaning.

you won't be able to afford or house children as soon as you'd like doing this. Does that bother you?

Jesseweneedtocook · 13/09/2023 08:06

The mil and the son sound like entitled bastards and on those grounds I wouldn't even have the son stay in my house as I know it would end up escalating.

JaukiVexnoydi · 13/09/2023 08:08

DH needs to handle this. Don't let him make you be the bad cop.

The offer needs to be for place to stay rent free only. Contribution to food budget required from other funds (ie a loan to him from MIL) and he needs to do a one third share of all household chores, cooking etc. His expenses for clothes, leisure activities and driving lessons must either be earned or again borrowed from his mum. Don't lend or give him any money yourselves. It's inappropriate at your stage of life when you are preparing for possibly having kids. Your MIL can choose what to lend/give each child but she cannot compel others what to do with their money. Your BIL has an array of options for funding his studies but he can't choose that you subsidise him

magratvonlipwig · 13/09/2023 08:23

He will never pay it back, nor probably even appreciate the strain on your finances.
If youre happy to feed him, and charge no rent, hes already very lucky.
Dont even entertain paying for anything else, and its actually none of MILs business how much of your personal money you choose to throw away on the son you didnt marry!

Your husband needs to let his brother know what will be provided and that he will need to work to buy luxuries, and driving lessons, else do without.

Goid luck.
Xx

ZadocPDederick · 13/09/2023 08:29

Let me guess, you're going to be expected to do all BIL's washing and ironing, cook for him, generally be his maidservant?

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