Wld you keep the baby in my circumstances?

[LeonardTheLeopard]

I am 45. My husband is 51.

We have three kids: 18,15 and 12. We love having kids and did think of having a fourth years ago but decided against it. I’ve always felt a tiny bit sad about that.

We have no money worries, a spare room and money for childcare.

We have a nice quality of life with older kids: lots of holidays and meals out together. Enjoyment of activities we all can do together. Friends with kids the same age. Nobody we know has babies now.
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I have a bad back, joint pain and have had tests for inflammatory conditions as I feel about 60 in my body. Pregnancy seems a real risk.

I am the main earner, I have a great career that I love. I work full time. I have a shot at becoming chief executive of my organisation next year but not likely if I have just has a baby.

Pregnancy was not planned. I didn’t think we were taking a risk as it was 8 days before my usual ovulation point and I am forty bloody five.

I Am terrified of having a baby but also terrified of having an abortion.

I was in similar circumstances, and the now 11yo is probably the heart of our family. Good luck with your decision though as I know it doesn't always turn out well.

I was in this situation last august. 45 with a 12, 17 and 20 year old. I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks sadly so the decision was taken out of my hands. I really struggled afterwards with the loss. I didn't plan to have another baby but I would have continued with the pregnancy. Good luck what ever you decide xx

The risk of disabilities would be the main factor for me

I would abort in your circumstances in a heartbeat, for all the reasons you mentioned and just the idea of parenting an infant/young child into your fifties.

Given how dangerous pregnancy and labour are, why put one's existing children of being motherless?

And even if all goes well ... when do you ever get to stop having your life dictated by parenting? You'd be in your mid sixties by the time this one was grown up. And what if you or your husband start to get serious age-related health problems in those years, on top of what you already mentioned?

Edit just caught up with your other posts OP, sorry I didn't read them first - I think you're making the right decision, sad or not.

I’d be much more concerned OP with the risks. Some 45 year olds have healthy babies for sure but what if your child was disabled? Could you be 60 looking after a disabled 15 year old?

No, I wouldn't. If I did contemplate it, I'd want every genetic test possible to try to rule out chromosomal abnormalities which are much more likely at your age. Imagine parenting a child with special needs when your other children have left home. (No disrespect to people who are doing that but it was always a big fear of mine.) Frankly even parenting a "normal child" would be a big ask. I had children later and I'm tired - very tired. I can't even begin to imagine the tiredness that parents of children with special needs endure on a day to day basis.

Hell no...

If it were me...

I'd be looking at the reality of bringing up an only child here because with the age gap between potential youngest and next up, theres little chance of a proper sibling relationship there for a REALLY long time, if ever. (And all my experience of friends with siblings with similar age gaps shows the same thing, it isn't until the youngest is an adult that theres ever a proper chance of that).

So thats a very different experience to raising several young children together.

Then all the age related stuff, the lack of energy etc etc.

All the plans you had for the next 20 years put on hold.

A baby at 45/46, means a 10 year old at 55/56, living with a teenager in your early 60s... and not just a teenager but probably their teenage friends and all that comes with that...

The risk of having a child with significant disabilities also goes up - if you can stomach the idea of active parenting for another 20 years, what if its not just 20 years, what if its until you die?

I would terminate, with much sadness of course, and I appreciate its VERY easy for others to say that, particularly if like me, you know getting pregnant would absolutely mean having to terminate or dying so there really is no question.

No I would absolutely not terminate, abortion should not be used as contraception.

No, the responsible thing is to not get pregnant in the first place if you don't want a baby. Never before have more reliable and convenient contraceptives exist, it's a shame more people don't bother using them.

OP posted in early September. She's probably made her decision by now

I would personally as I’m not supportive of an abortion for reasons other than immediate risk to health to mother or baby. It’s a personal decision though and only one that you can make for what is right for you and your family.

It would have been an extremely hard no for me at that age/stage, but everyone is different with no right or wrong. I just wouldn’t be banking in any assistance from teenagers, that’s really not a fair situation to force on them (ok if they want that and offer when it suits them only, but not enforced at any time).

No, I wouldn't.

I know two families that were in your almost exact position. They both had the babies. They are 25ish now. Both families could not imagine life without their surprise additions.

This

Personally, I wouldnt. The chances of having a disabled child are significantly higher from the age of 40. The quality of both eggs and sperm start to deteriorate rather rapidly when we reach our 40s. It's not fair to the resulting child imo.

And then the rest of your post added on top just seals that decision for me (if I were in your situation).

I'm sorry to hear you're in this position OP. I've been where you are and my heart broke. It wasnt a decision taken lightly or flippantly. But I still know I made the right decision.

it sounds like you have an incredible life and for all the joy another child would bring, I think it would have a huge impact on how you live now and not in a good way.

I had my second six months ago and my joints are still really suffering, and I’m 10 years younger than you without anymore existing conditions.

Babies are adorable… but they’re hard work and grow into tantrumming toddlers. Sleepless nights, weaning, plastic toys everywhere… I’m not sure I could do that while juggling teenagers and also trying to maintain what sounds like a high flying career.

But ultimately you need to do what you believe is best for you and your family.

It all depends on what you really want. I have 2 DC and I am in my early 40’s I would not have anymore under any circumstances. I am physically and mentally just not up to anymore kids though no obvious health issues. If you are the main earner with so many dependents then I would not rock the boat. But you should do whatever you and your partner decide. Also look into better birth control for future.

Just to add a flip side I was 12 when my DM had my much younger DSis it was the making of me. I honestly don't think I would be where I am now if she hadn't.

Like does anyone read the dates?!! First thing I look at!

I was fooled by it being in the top of the current lists, and yeah, didn't check. There have been a few lately where someone replied to an old thread.

You will face regret either way.

Which way will your regret be the strongest, when you look back on your life in future? That you never got to know/have the baby, or that you never got a shot at becoming CEO?

Which do you think will leave you with more unanswered questions, "if only"s, longing/pain and a sense of loss?

Only you can answer that – maybe from the POV of in 1 year's time, in 5 years' time, in 10 years' time, decades down the road. Although you never really know your future circumstances (eg health, death, family togetherness, national economic stability) but you can still try and have a think

I think I would lean towards termination.

Especially taking your health condition into account. And the importance of being able to parent the children you already have.

I would also wonder about the likelihood of you giving birth to a viable baby. Miscarriage and ectopic pregnancy are (after all) more common in women over 40.
as are conditions such as preeclampsia, placental abruption etc.

but as so many others said: this is something you have to decide for yourself. How would you feel if you decide against an abortion but lost the baby later? Do you think you would feel relieve in that Scenario?

i should start checking the dates of theads!

Personally I wouldn't. I'm 47 with adult children the youngest is 14.

I work in a nursery so get daily reminders how much work little ones are and see how exhausted working parents of little ones are.

I couldn't face the whole school system again. It isn't just having a baby it's the next 20+yrs of care and support at a time you could be moving into a new phase of life.

No, i would terminate. I had both my kids in my 40s. Youngest is 6. We are in the golden years of them being a bit more independent, but not yet worldly wise. A baby would break me and my family. Physically. Mentally. Financially.

Women have fought tooth and nail for the right for us to choose what we do with our bodies. You can now make the choice that is right for you and your family.