Wld you keep the baby in my circumstances?

[LeonardTheLeopard]

I am 45. My husband is 51.

We have three kids: 18,15 and 12. We love having kids and did think of having a fourth years ago but decided against it. I’ve always felt a tiny bit sad about that.

We have no money worries, a spare room and money for childcare.

We have a nice quality of life with older kids: lots of holidays and meals out together. Enjoyment of activities we all can do together. Friends with kids the same age. Nobody we know has babies now.
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I have a bad back, joint pain and have had tests for inflammatory conditions as I feel about 60 in my body. Pregnancy seems a real risk.

I am the main earner, I have a great career that I love. I work full time. I have a shot at becoming chief executive of my organisation next year but not likely if I have just has a baby.

Pregnancy was not planned. I didn’t think we were taking a risk as it was 8 days before my usual ovulation point and I am forty bloody five.

I Am terrified of having a baby but also terrified of having an abortion.

If I was me in your situation I would have it, I'm also 45 with two Dds and we had been planning a third but I've had two miscarriages in the last year so it's not looking likely, anyway as I said I would have the baby, if you've felt sad about not having a fourth it's now or never

Absolutely not. Your baby will end
Up your carer and that's entirely unfair. Plus it is more risk of downs etc would you be on with being incapable of looking after your disabled child ?

From your posts I am assuming all your children are healthy and mostly happy, no long term life long medical issues that means they will have to rely on you.

Well I had two very happy and healthy children, there was no suggestion or indication anything would go any differently with our last but it did, we had all the tests available even an amniocentesis but nothing was picked up and now we have a severely disabled little boy, doesn't speak, is 7 with a mental age of 2 who will live with us until we die and then be institutionalised until he dies.

You have a good life as you are, don't risk it for a 50/50 chance because it can and does happen and you can't take it back op, there is no undoing of a disabled child, it's no life for anyone in the situation trust me.

I'm not sure that I would, I'm 43 (nearly 44) and I likely wouldn't continue, good luck with whatever you decide.

I would contact an abortion provider and asked to speak when's counsellor to help you make your mind of.

Being terrified of both options- a termination is a couple of days, going ahead with it is a lifetime. Only go ahead with it if you truly want another child and your body can handle the pregnancy.

Very tough OP, you have unexpectedly found yourself in a situation where you are confronting life changes rather than have them gently evolve.

You still have that instinct for small babies and children… but have had 12 years where (unless you had fertility struggles) you didn’t act in the choice to have another. But now that choice is down to ‘yes / no’ for ever, rather than languishing in the margins of your life plans.

It’s a definite stage in your journey as a Mum, rather than it happening by default, as it would have done had you not become pg.

We all have pangs at life stages: youngest becoming a teen, first and last to leave the nest, first to reach adulthood/ leave the teen years.

But: motherhood persists all our lives. I love being a parent to my 21 year old, they are an adult but I am still Mum and have a role.

You sound as if you have done a great job of motherhood and building a family that works.

My mum became pregnant when myself and my elder brother were in our teens. Going forward two more years and she had another baby, as felt that child 3 needed a sibling of the same age. It all related to my father leaving so it was a bit of a complex situation.

So my mum was then a single parent to two under 3 and two teens, and relied on us heavily for help. She was going through a difficult divorce at the same time so things were tough.

But as soon as we elder siblings were able to, we were out the house. We were like the 2nd parent in the house, had to take responsibility for our younger siblings a whole lot whilst also doing important exams etc. I don't know about my db but I certainly felt that things changed a lot for us as teens, as we were no longer a priority. The babies came first every time, which of course they needed to, but it was quite a bitter pill to swallow when we were going through a tough time too.

The benefit though, is that they kept my mum young. She was all up on the latest fashion way before me, she gained a new friendship group with parents of children the same age, and I feel they did help her to recover from being in a dark place as she had just had to move on.

It took me a while longer to bond with them when they were no longer babies, then young children. I found them so annoying, demanding, taking up all of mums time, money, wearing her out etc etc.

We became much closer again when they reached their mid 20s I'd say, and now we are very close.

So OP, this decision absolutely will affect your teenagers, of course your situation is not the same as mine growing up, but I didn't fall totally in love with those babies right away. I know this sounds awful as I type it, but it is honestly how I felt back then. I needed my mum and I'd had 50% of her attention for 16 years, then overnight that 50% went to absolute minimal.

I just wanted to post from the other side, so you will have considered everything before you make your decision.

I wish you all the best going forward whatever you decide 💐

It shocks me the amount of people who would abort in this situation. I have one child and dont want more, however if i fell pregnant in a loving and financially stable relationship Id have a baby.

Although mine are a lot younger I had a surprise number 3. I was mortified if happened but I couldn’t bring myself to have an abortion. My own mum had an abortion when I was 17 and I will honestly say it scarred me for a long time. My elder two wouldn’t have realised anything was wrong at the time whereas I was older and did, but it was one of those things that couldn’t shift from my brain.

Yes I’d have the baby, unless tests showed there was something very wrong. I just wouldn’t be able to not wonder what if. But no one can tell you what to do OP, its your choice

Do you think your ‘shock’ is helpful to the OP?

There is nothing shocking about abortions, they happen every day and I'd dare say some people should have had them rather than not.

What's shocking about it, exactly?

Not in a million years would I continue with that pregnancy. Good luck with your decisions.

I'd be on the 'phone booking a termination consultation if it was me.

I would but it matters how far a long the pregnancy is

I would have a termination. I had one myself when I was younger. I don't feel any regret. It was the right decision for me
I wouldn't be having a baby at 45 when I have 3 children already and enjoying my life as it is. A baby would put a bomb under all that, and as others have said, what if the new baby has a disability and needs to be cared for for the rest of his/her life?

I wouldn’t given your list.

My grandmother had her last baby at 47. ( the older kids were 13, 15, 16 and 18) This was in the 1940’s.

When the baby ( my uncle) was 15 months old, my grandfather died suddenly of a heart attack ( he was the same age as my grandmother) So an already stressful situation of being a much older Mother suddenly became a much more stressful situation with No husband to support the family.

I'm a little older and the changes between mid-40s and 50s are huge. What you feel able to cope with now could feel very different a couple of years in.
There is also an increased risk of SEN of course which again might be ok to cope with now but not necessarily so easy in 15 or 20 years time (I speak from experience)
In fact DH and I discussed this very scenario and agreed we would terminate as long as pregnancy wasn't advanced. At 7 weeks I wouldn't hesitate.

Speaking as the child of parents who went on to have another baby later on in life - I wouldn’t do it.

my parents had my brother when I was 12 and my mum was 40, dad was 46. My mum was also the bread winner and had a very full on job. Honestly they were just so knackered and snowed under by the baby that I just kind of got ignored. Not necessarily their fault but they just did not have capacity for me and a baby, and I was a technically a teenager by that point so I was kind of just expected to get on with it by myself and I fear that your 12 year old may feel the same.

In my head my childhood is split into two distinct parts

1. pre my brother when my parents were loving, doted on me and gave me the attention I needed and we did lots of nice stuff as a family
2. post my brother - I was ignored, my needs were seen an a bit of an inconvenience or pushed to the bottom of the pile and my parents were always stressed and in terrible moods.

Dont get me wrong - I love my brother but our relationship has always been that of more of an aunt/nephew than siblings. He has even told me that he has felt like an only child most of his life.

Also I currently have a 2 year old so I am here to tell you that all those enjoyable dinners out and holidays you talk about will not be so enjoyable or relaxing anymore with a baby/toddler. Again this could have a big impact on your other older children.

My abortion haunted me for a decade and will always be the biggest regret of my life.

I was not coerced into it. And was in a less than ideal situation too. However nothing could've prepared me for the trauma of actually going through with it.

Tough one OP and no doubt a shock, but I believe all babies are blessings now. Good luck with everything

She asked the question what would I do and i answered that. Why do you feel the need to comment on something which has nothing to do with you

Your second sentence was a legitimate answer to her question. Your first sentence was judgemental and multiple posters have picked you up on it. Judgement isn’t helpful to the OP and I’d happily say the same to a poster who expressed the opposite opinion in an equally judgemental way.

God no one could pay me to have another child, your youngest is 12 you finally have your life back, do you really want to go back through the baby/toddler/young child phase again? I would absolutely not, but only you can decide.

My granddaughter was born when I was the same age as you. I'm now in my sixties and she is still a teen. I'm a different person to how I was in my forties, don't have the energy for full on teenage problems. All the exam stress, phew! I loved it all with my 3 children that I had in my twenties and thirties, but to be honest, I'm happy being a grandma now. No washing, clearing up, lifts and dramas. Your husband will be even older, how will he be? Good luck in whatever choice you make.

I would suggest talking through absolutely everything with a professional counsellor OP.

Many years ago I got pregnant in less than ideal circumstances and went to a BPAS clinic. I was genuinely unsure what path to take and the counsellor was amazing - she gave me ages and let me talk it all through, non-judgementally.

I will always be grateful to that counsellor and for her calm and impartial manner at a time when my head was all over the place.