Wld you keep the baby in my circumstances?

[LeonardTheLeopard]

I am 45. My husband is 51.

We have three kids: 18,15 and 12. We love having kids and did think of having a fourth years ago but decided against it. I’ve always felt a tiny bit sad about that.

We have no money worries, a spare room and money for childcare.

We have a nice quality of life with older kids: lots of holidays and meals out together. Enjoyment of activities we all can do together. Friends with kids the same age. Nobody we know has babies now.
.
I have a bad back, joint pain and have had tests for inflammatory conditions as I feel about 60 in my body. Pregnancy seems a real risk.

I am the main earner, I have a great career that I love. I work full time. I have a shot at becoming chief executive of my organisation next year but not likely if I have just has a baby.

Pregnancy was not planned. I didn’t think we were taking a risk as it was 8 days before my usual ovulation point and I am forty bloody five.

I Am terrified of having a baby but also terrified of having an abortion.

Op it’s not just you at risk here. At the ages you and your husband are the likelihood of developmental disorders, asd and adhd is higher too.

you and your husband possibly won’t be alive to care for your child through adulthood if the child had a disability and that would left to your other children.

These disabilities are extremely hard work and can put massive strain on a family (I am a mother to an adhd teen likely with asd too) and because of this I never had any other children.

could you or your husband take that on? The potential for that level of care? Having to give up your career to be a carer?

what about your own health? It’s not brilliant. If your health went downhill it would be massively unfair to expect your children to take on any sort of parenting role (eldest of 6+ and my childhood was spent raising kids not really being a child myself)

of course it all could be fine.

No- couldn’t do it to my existing children- it would be like raising an only child given the age gaps. I’d fear medical issues on both sides given age. Do I love babies- yes, sad I won’t have another- yes- do I want any more children, god no!

OP, in your shoes I would not go ahead.

I would very much fear the back and joint pain situation. The effect of pregnancy and years of hefting a baby , toddler and equipment about.

I understand the bit of a yen for another baby but you have such a happy family now that works. I would enjoy that rather than turn it upside down with sleepless nights, holidays and outings baby friendly, focus on baby rather than your 15 yo GCSE and A levels. A new child starting school as your 12 yo does GCSE.

And I say all this someone who had a baby at 43 with no issues and am a fit active healthy retiree parent of a recent graduate. But had I already had a thriving happy family if 3 kids by then I wouldn’t have started again with a new baby.

You have done do well in your job. I would be keen to take your rewards for that.

In the end, despite your feeling you would have loved 4 kids, you weren’t trying for one.

Anyway, my view is just how I would make my decision. You must do what is right for you.

Also, if I was your DH I would be really concerned about your back and joint pain. Years of chronic pain is not good.

I take it you know that peri can cause joint pain?

You’re 45 and feel 60.

Imagine, in six years time, being 51 and feeling nearly 70, and having to start the daily school run again. Do you, as a couple, want to be 51 and 57 starting the school run all over again?

Termination is a hard thing to choose to do, but I’d feel it was the only choice to not blow apart my already-ailing body, my career and my family.

Op your update sort of swings me to abortion.
Only you know if you are in better health than your parents were at the same age.
I'd hate to leave a child young. And not being able to support them through school, uni, early career.

I was reading to clear out my house of baby stuff if I didn't fall pregnant by 41. I didn't want to be older than 42 having a baby as I didn't want an under 18 post 60. Giving us time to support them in early adulthood before hitting retirement.

I was in a very similar situation, and we discussed a termination with our doctor. We had decided to go ahead with the termination, then DH suddenly backtracked and said " Let's have the baby..." I realised that I was relieved then, and we went on to have a much loved child who was adored by her older siblings - and us. But it is a very personal decision, and only you will know the right one.

I had my youngest DD at 41, planned, second marriage,DH didn't have any children. I breezed through, after emergency CS, pre-eclampsia,high blood pressure, being hospitalised, vomiting. None of these, with the previous 3,BUT I was. warned a 1 in 20 chance of Downs, which increases rapidly with every year. I had an early menopause the following year. I was really fit and healthy,so that made a big difference. You already have health issues, ironically, this "baby" now 31,had a baby last year. Terrible hope and pelvic problems,had to wear a binder, give up work, driving,and had to spend a lot of time laying on the sofa, unable to even walk. I think the fact that you have asked, you definitely have doubts about continuing. Good luck

No.
you have 3 wonderful children who need a healthy mum to help them navigate university/college/GCSE option choices, and to enjoy them now they are older and more independent, not pushing a pram and changing nappies.

It appears you have a good life at the moment, a baby would turn your life on it's head. You'll have the menopause heading your way and I read for men their 50s can be very difficult health wise. I'm sure the baby will be well loved but certainly a life changer.

In answer to questions about my DH’a views - he’s in shock, he feels the same as me in that he finds the idea of abortion hard but also is very very worried about continuing. I suspect that he is also trying not to give strong views as he doesn’t want to pressure me into either an abortion or a pregnancy.

I absolutely would not have a baby in a house of teens.

The joy that little kids bring is like the precursor to the actual meat of parenting, and as my kids get older things feel more difficult and less full of joy.

I'm 45 and just couldn't even consider it. I'm in the headspace of getting a little bit of the old me back, and a baby now means forgetting that until I'm at least 60.

No way.

I'm a year older than you and have done the big age gap thing before - mine are 18, nearly 16 and nearly 8. It's been wonderful, actually - so it's not the age gap per se that I would see as a problem -, but we are definitely at our limits, and while I still think 'lucky thing' every time I see a pregnant woman, I am clear that, were I to get pregnant now, I would terminate. And this despite the fact that I have also had many losses.

Especially with health problems in the mix, I would not want the risk of being unable to parent properly while the child still needs me actively.

Edited for typos

I'm so sorry that you are in this difficult position, OP. In your situation I would terminate. You have three existing children who are emotionally and financially dependent on you, and your health is not good. If you choose to terminate it will be very sad but you shouldn't feel guilty about putting them, and yourself, first.

Good luck with your decision. If you decide to terminate then the procedure is physically easier the earlier it is done.

I would.

Autoimmune conditions can ease off during pregnancy, you have a stable home life and you can afford help.

But your chances of the pregnancy working out are not as high as they would have been once.

It's a really tricky one. I don't think 45 is old to have a baby, but I'm 38 and pregnant with my second, and hoping to have a third possibly at 40ish. So I'm doing it as an older parent already, and so are most of my friends, so we're in that young child stage together. If I'd had children earlier, I don't know if I'd want to go back to the baby/toddler stage again.

My partner has said a hard no to children over age 41 for us because he has plans to travel and enjoy retirement. What had you planned for that? We're all different and it sounds like you love the baby stages, and perhaps would prefer another child to travelling etc?

The one thing that would really make me hesitate is your health. Health is so important, I'd be worried to jeopardise it with another pregnancy if I already had some issues. Might be worth speaking to a Dr if you do want to go ahead.

Re the career, there is shared parental leave now. So you can split leave with your partner and take less time out. It's often well paid as well. My partner got five months full pay with his last job, and is entitled to 3.5 months full pay with this one. I'm the higher earner also and it's common amongst my friends to share the leave. So you could still be CEO. I guess it depends on whether you feel you could manage it all alongside your health

I would have the abortion.

You must think of yourself and your existing DC first and foremost.

It's an extremely hard decision to have to make, but I think you know in your heart that continuing this pregnancy is going to put extreme stress on your body, your mind, your career, your DH and probably your existing DC. And that's before considering possible disability, which is statistically a greater risk with your ages.

Gosh I really don't know. I'm only 36 and all mine are over 10 now and I cannot imagine going back to the start again.
Having said that if I had the money to hire in help, get a nanny, cleaner etc then I would probably keep the baby.
Is having a nanny an option for you?

I hope you make the right decision for you OP. If for any minute you think you could regret an abortion down the line I would have the baby. And you were previously sad about not having a fourth. This is probably your last chance. What does your OH think? My Mum had my sister when I was 20 and I was besotted with her. Things will work out, and financially you can afford the baby. I say this with my newborn on my chest so I may be biased!

If for any minute you think you could regret an abortion down the line I would have the baby. But what if she might sometimes regret having the baby? Wouldn’t that be worse?

I wouldn't. What scares you about an abortion, if you feel able to talk about that? The procedure or feelings of judgement from yourself or others?

I'm 45 with a teen and tween and if I were to get pregnant now I would not keep it because I couldn't bear the thought of being plunged back into baby costs and life restrictions and also I have a joint condition which is OK now but likely to get worse in next decade so wouldn't want to have to be keeping up with a small child. I think in your case health conditions are major reason not to go ahead.

I'm sorry, I can't agree. Regretting a baby would be far worse than regretting a termination. On threads such as these people often say that you never regret a baby once they are here. This simply isn't true, but there is such deep shame and stigma attached to these feelings that people rarely discuss them, even anonymously on the internet.

I got pg at 44 op. But I had a NIPT and found she had a chromosome issue that resulted in termination

I was devastated at the time however a mere 5 years later I developed amor health issues which would have made parenting difficult , and ,y partner was a prick and we split so being a single parent would have been hard

That said my friend had a baby at 46 and had no issues although the child ( now an adult ) has autism is working and her husband is much younger

It's a very personal choice , and one only you can make I think . Good luck.

I think you need to stop and seriously reflect on what you can live with as you and your husband seem to find the idea of an abortion quite harrowing. No one on this thread can help you with that as its different for every person but don't underestimate the potential impact this could equally have on you emotionally and how it could impact your mental health if you aren't 100% sure about it.

Given the number of women having babies in their 40s these days, I don't think its an issue of being too old. I also have multiple friends who've lost parents in their 20s and 30s (not necessarily due to old age). None of them, wish that they hadn't been borne because they lost a parent in early adulthood.

This decision is really about you and what you want rather than if its fair on the future child. Given you are in a stable loving marriage and are financially comfortable, the decision to terminate is a complex one understandably so I would get off this thread and really reflect with your husband rather than strangers.

I would keep the baby unless the available tests show something such as Edwards syndrome