Wld you keep the baby in my circumstances?

[LeonardTheLeopard]

I am 45. My husband is 51.

We have three kids: 18,15 and 12. We love having kids and did think of having a fourth years ago but decided against it. I’ve always felt a tiny bit sad about that.

We have no money worries, a spare room and money for childcare.

We have a nice quality of life with older kids: lots of holidays and meals out together. Enjoyment of activities we all can do together. Friends with kids the same age. Nobody we know has babies now.
.
I have a bad back, joint pain and have had tests for inflammatory conditions as I feel about 60 in my body. Pregnancy seems a real risk.

I am the main earner, I have a great career that I love. I work full time. I have a shot at becoming chief executive of my organisation next year but not likely if I have just has a baby.

Pregnancy was not planned. I didn’t think we were taking a risk as it was 8 days before my usual ovulation point and I am forty bloody five.

I Am terrified of having a baby but also terrified of having an abortion.

My head would need to override my hearts rose tinted glasses but I 100% would terminate with a tinge of regret but without any doubts.

Not fair on your existing kids who will need you to see them through their teens, not fair on you and not fair on the child to have an older mum with significant health issues and on the cusp of menopause.

Good luck with your decision.

I would have the baby though I don't know how serious your health concerns are. I know lots of mums who have had there kids at 40 and 42 though as I live in London where that's not wildly unusual (though 30s most common) and am friends with 2 women who had whoopsie babies in their mid-40s.

Its a shock now but could be a real source of joy and with the financial comfort to afford help and support I'm sure you'll manage. Babies for the first few years really just tag along. It won't be until most of yours have left the house that you'll be even making trips or plans around the little one. It is of course a very personal decision.

To some extent having the older siblings helps. Normally I say having a single child at 45 plus is very selfish. They're likely to lose parents younger, if you have health conditions and need care (which you seem to be having already) in your 60s DC is only 15-25ish but older siblings can step in and help.

I'd really consider impact on other kids though. You already have ill health. Pregnancy as you know takes it out of you. If you end up on bed rest or in hospital it really takes you away from other kids. Risks of defects also much higher with maternal age. How would it affect your kids lives to suddenly have a sibling with learning difficulties or a disability. How it would affect your availability to them, what they could do, long term arrangements for that childs care if they can never be independent as you age. Sorry if it sounds harsh but it may well be taken out of your hands as miscarriage rates at 45 are well over 50%.

You need to decide what risks you're willing to take and if you're willing to go back to newborn stage and do everything again, including that there is always a risk of a disabled child. If you're wanting to do that then go ahead, people have done it and it can work. If thats not what you want you have the choice for a reason and take this as a lesson to sort some contraception out so this doesn't happen again!

I'm sorry you have to choose, its a hard decision and both have the chances to break your heart x

I think it really depends on how important it is to you to extend your family. I know someone who had a wee surprise at 45 and they're all doing great and she's delighted to be a mum again when she thought it was all finished. Personally i would go for it in your circumstances because id love to be financially secure enough to have more. But what's right for one person doesn't mean its right for you. You know your body and mind best and what you can cope with. I think you need to sit with this for a bit. Neither are a particularly easy option so you don't need to rush the decision until you can hear what your gut is telling you. It's completely your choice and I don't think it matters what anyone else would do in that scenario- the only thing that matters is what you feel in your heart is the right choice for you firstly and for your family regardless of what that looks like.

As someone with one of the sibling age gaps mentioned by the op, I don’t think that’s a certainty.

Im not particularly close with my sibling, I feel that they had more of an only child upbringing and there is something of a disconnect.

I also struggle to see my parents working full time and spreading themselves far too thin in their 60s to cover uni costs and the emotional baggage of a late teen/young adult. I feel quite wistful that they aren’t now planning fabulous trips, comforts and freedoms that others at their stage of life have.

Im not against being an older parent, but I think starting a family in your 40s is a different scenario to completing a family then falling back down the snake and starting again.

Op only you can decide.

It will be like raising an only child. Your youngest will be about uni age when LO starts school, do you want to commit to another 20 years of parenting?

They'll have an amazing relationship with their older siblings

why? My sister is 11 years older than me and i barely even remember living with her. I certainly don’t love her.

"I feel about 60 in my body"

I worry that pregnancy, childbirth and the early years make take a physical toll on you.

It's very, very personal but may I ask if you are terrified of terminating because you fear it's the wrong decision?

No. Absolutely no way. No

I would literally feel like I'm making my life, and my family's life difficult. Just to have another 'joy' in the house. Yes kids are joy, but are also incredibly hard work, and a risk (complications re: geriatric pregnancy, existing health issues).

OP it sounds like you have a really great life. Currently...

Logically I probably wouldn’t have the baby in the circumstances you outline. The effect on your family life, the health risks (both to you and the increased risk to the baby that comes with age), being in your 60s by the time the child is 18 etc.

Emotionally, I am not so sure.

How would you feel if you miscarried - relieved or sad? That might give you your answer.

No where near a catch all. A lot of difficulties can't be detected by harmony, only a couple of chromosomal abnormalities.

OP could still have a child with any of a long list of conditions that are not detectable (and the harmony etc isn't 100%). Especially if OP has health issues and delivers early cerebral palsy is a possibility, there is also severe autism, diseases which are genetic but aren't chromosomal duplications such as prader willi, auditory or sensory processing disorders, ADHD.

You are never guaranteed a healthy child. Could be congential, could be issues stemming from birth. Could just be bad luck.

I am 45 and have a 3 year old and a 12 year old.
my circumstances are not (practically speaking) as favourable as yours, but if I had the choice again I wouldn’t have my youngest.

Managing my tween and a toddler has been so hard, having a pre-schooler is exhausting, it has ballsed up my career and finances and I can’t really enjoy either child as all I do is firefight and “manage”. Frankly I’m a shadow of my former self and now I worry constantly about something bad happening to me and leaving such a young child behind, the potential burden on my eldest etc etc On the other hand I can also barely face the idea of lasting another ten years, much less the twenty or thirty I’d ideally want to give the youngest.

Spend all my time catastrophising, tidying up and doing laundry. It’s absolutely shit, for all of us I think. I feel sad for both children that this is the version of me they will remember. In your situation there’s no way I’d mess with what I have. I’d rather miss what I had to forgo and deal with that like a grown up, than jeopardise me and my older children’s well being - especially in these tenuous times.

My mamma was 41 when she had me as a result of an accidental pregnancy. I spent my whole childhood afraid of her dying and then started losing her to dementia when I was 30. It’s the saddest thing that has happened in my life. I wish I got to keep her longer, like my friends are getting to enjoy their parents.

'How would you feel if you miscarried - relieved or sad? That might give you your answer.'

I would absolutely feel sad if I had a miscarriage (or abortion) but I still would definitely not continue with the pregnancy.

Just because I'd feel sad to have miscarried, doesn't mean keeping the baby would be the right choice for my family.

I would never.

I would. You seem to have general stability. You can still travel with a baby in tow. It will be a big change for sure. I understand the health concerns but pregnancy is temporary, however you understand your own body better than anyone else and will have to make that call for yourself. Young children are temporary. Their childhood may look different to your older children's but different is not necessarily worse.

I would but I’m not a particularly sensible person. I would have found that a crazy wild situation to be in and enjoyed that. Babies don’t freak me out though. If you didn’t have the cash or space I’d try and be more sensible, but baby or ceo is an easy choice for me.

I’m 43 with 2 teens and have always had a tinge of regret for not having a bigger family.

If I was unexpectedly pregnant I think I would strongly consider a termination due to the increased risks of difficulties to my body and the health of the new child. I feel that I’ve lucked out by already having 2 gorgeous, healthy kids and having had them in my late 20’s the pregnancies and births were easy on my body. I would fear that I’d be pushing my luck to have more at this late stage.

All that said, I would probably not be able to go through with an abortion as my heart would likely rule my head.

Not very helpful, sorry about that, but I do understand your predicament. It must be very hard. Whatever decision you make will end up being the right one for you

I would not have another.

Once I hit 45 I was also on a medication that was incompatible with pregnancy. I wouldn’t risk my health to stop that medication. I have existing children to think about.

if you are investigating health problems, being pregnant is going to put a huge strain on your body. It is going to limit available treatments if doctors do figure out why you don’t feel well. There is absolutely nothing wrong with choosing your current life path and your prioritizing current children. I remember reading that most abortions are actually had by women who already have a child. Mothers who understand just how much effort it is to be pregnant and to raise a human.

there is also nothing wrong with adding another child. Your family has the means. Everyone will adapt. The biggest burden will fall on you, but that is a choice you can make and you know from experience it comes with benefits too.

I had my youngest at 40, and I wouldn't change a thing.

I think if you've always secretly had that 'yen' for another baby, you will be heartbroken if you terminate!

I would 100% have the baby. I think you would never get over terminating. You have the resources to have another child. I think this little surprise would be adored by the whole family x

Hell no. My mother did and it wrecked the family. Yours truly at 15 got to look after the baby all the time whe mother had a series of post baby breakdowns. It was hell and I left home as soon as possible. We never really were a proper family again.
What if the baby has a disability. Downs or autism. Can you cope with that?

Youngest at 40 is nothing like raising 3 then potentially starting again when they're teenagers.
There's no doubt any mum would adore and love that child to bits but you know when your done with babies, you watch kids grow up and you miss them being babies but adore every stage of them growing up and becoming independent.

I wouldn’t bring a baby into a teenage family

My sister is ten years older than I, and my brother nine years older. My sister bullied me all my life, did unforgivable things, and my brother and I will never speak to her again. My mother outsourced too much of my parenting to my sister, which led to resentment.