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Original poster

Wld you keep the baby in my circumstances?

220 replies

LeonardTheLeopard · 04/09/2023 23:43

I am 45. My husband is 51.

We have three kids: 18,15 and 12. We love having kids and did think of having a fourth years ago but decided against it. I’ve always felt a tiny bit sad about that.

We have no money worries, a spare room and money for childcare.

We have a nice quality of life with older kids: lots of holidays and meals out together. Enjoyment of activities we all can do together. Friends with kids the same age. Nobody we know has babies now.
.
I have a bad back, joint pain and have had tests for inflammatory conditions as I feel about 60 in my body. Pregnancy seems a real risk.

I am the main earner, I have a great career that I love. I work full time. I have a shot at becoming chief executive of my organisation next year but not likely if I have just has a baby.

Pregnancy was not planned. I didn’t think we were taking a risk as it was 8 days before my usual ovulation point and I am forty bloody five.

I Am terrified of having a baby but also terrified of having an abortion.

OP posts:
Ericaequites · 05/09/2023 00:52

Don’t!

TMess · 05/09/2023 00:53

I was born in identical circumstances. My parents tell anyone who will listen that a “change of life baby” was the best thing that ever happened to them. I had the best childhood…just so, so loved by so many people. I wouldn’t deliberately get pregnant at that age but I would 110% keep a surprise.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 05/09/2023 00:54

Do what feels right for you that's my only advice.

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EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 05/09/2023 01:14

It doesn't sound like you want to have the baby, but rather that you don't want a termination? It might help to discuss your feelings around that. There's an NHS advice service you can make an appointment to talk this through with, it might help you decide what's right for you. https://www.letstalkaboutit.nhs.uk/pregnancy-worries/pregnancy-termination-advice/

Pregnancy termination advice | Lets Talk About It

https://www.letstalkaboutit.nhs.uk/pregnancy-worries/pregnancy-termination-advice

Mumtobabyhavoc · 05/09/2023 01:15

You are good financially, so are very lucky. This really shouldn't be a career barrier, either. I read something about "older" parents being the best patents.
You will be monitored more closely and you can pursue genetic testing if you want/need to rule out potential issues. Ignore the horror stories posted here.
If you have a happy and well adjusted family then I'd look at this as a blessing and share the news and excitement with my family. 😇
Good luck to you. 💖

continentallentil · 05/09/2023 01:24

No.

It’s not going to do your physical or mental health any good, it will stress your family life. That season of your life is done.

Your first duty is to the family you have. It’s not in their interests.

continentallentil · 05/09/2023 01:28

Mumtobabyhavoc · 05/09/2023 01:15

You are good financially, so are very lucky. This really shouldn't be a career barrier, either. I read something about "older" parents being the best patents.
You will be monitored more closely and you can pursue genetic testing if you want/need to rule out potential issues. Ignore the horror stories posted here.
If you have a happy and well adjusted family then I'd look at this as a blessing and share the news and excitement with my family. 😇
Good luck to you. 💖

Did you miss the bit about the OP having back pain, inflammatory conditions and feeling 60?

And yes, having a baby can very often be a barrier to career progress.

The OP must do as she wishes, but there is zero point kidding yourself about reality.

SnowflakeCity · 05/09/2023 01:48

I'm 37 with a 16 and a 14 year old and I wouldn't even consider keeping the pregnancy. I have a brother 12 years younger and tbh I barely know him. I had a complicated upbringing but leaving home when he was 5 means we just don't have that thing that ties siblings together. I'm enjoying the teen phase of parenting and I don't think it would be enhanced in anyway for me or them to bring a demanding newborn into the situation. Obviously you have to do what is right for you but for me it would be a definite no.

Happyhappyday · 05/09/2023 02:22

OP I had an abortion last summer, happily married with kiddo, could another but just really absolutely desperately did not want another. While I deeply regret that I put myself in the position of needing an abortion, the actual procedure was absolutely fine. I also have no regrets about the decision, it was absolutely the right one for us. In your situation I would absolutely not continue the pregnancy, you’re in a totally different phase of life and what you want from the next 40 years matters too.

silverretrieve · 05/09/2023 02:27

Oooo see I would go for it but I’m in my 20s so wouldn’t understand some of your perspective in terms of “feeling 60 in body” or having friends with adult children etc. I think you can still have the career you want if your company has lined you up for chief executive, that’s a job they cherry pick

MissTrip82 · 05/09/2023 03:20

I’m 45 and would. If I had such poor health that I felt 60, I would not. That’s extremely debilitating and that would be my focus.

tt9 · 05/09/2023 03:27

don't base your decision on advice from strangers on the Internet.

maybe speak to your GP re the risks

mrssunshinexxx · 05/09/2023 03:30

Wow what a shock for you
You sound like you have a nice busy lifestyle
I think imagine if you knew the baby was twins or were disabled. Your age carries a higher risk for both these things then decide if you would want to continue.
For what it's worth if it were me in your scenario it would be a no

MentholLoad · 05/09/2023 03:37

not with a bad back and joint pain. I have a bad back and every day is gruelling, I could not look after a baby. I had my youngest when I was 38 and that was too old for me, with hind sight

Ineedcoffee2021 · 05/09/2023 03:55

I would be running faster than Usain Bolt to get an abortion and im only 34

Kinsters · 05/09/2023 03:55

No way! I would wish that I could but my head would have to overrule my heart in that scenario. As long as you've found out early enough I think you can just take pills and it's a very simple process, just like a bad period if you're very early x

ThomasinaLivesHere · 05/09/2023 03:56

It’s easy to have rose tinted glasses when you look at cute photos and videos of your children as babies and toddlers, but do you truly remember what it was like? You both have so little independence. It’s not like older children where they can do a lot for themselves. It’s tough and there’s no telling what temperament your child will have. Maybe they won’t sleep well for years. If I had a body that felt like I was 60 I’d find it difficult to deal with that.

greyhairnomore · 05/09/2023 04:11

Absolutely not , you've just got a degree of freedom, why would you start all over again?

Iamasentientoctopus · 05/09/2023 04:12

I would (and recently have) terminate. On balance it would have been the worst thing for my family who are just about getting back on track after having our youngest. I felt old having my last one at 36 and had a much more complicated pregnancy than I did with my first. My own mum had two kids in her 20s and then two more in her 40s so there is a 20 year age gap between my eldest and youngest siblings. Unfortunately she passed away when my youngest brother was only 2 and my older siblings had to do a lot of looking after us. I recently had a termination and the process was very straightforward - a conversation with the nurse on the phone and then they sent the pills in the post along with a 3 month course of the contraceptive pill. It was all over in one night and we have been much more careful since. Happy to answer any questions about the process if you want to know more x

AlltheFs · 05/09/2023 04:20

I would if NIPT showed no issues. There’s a 50% ish chance of miscarriage.

I had my DD at 41 and it’s been absolutely fine. I’m 45 now and can’t afford a second but if I accidentally conceived would likely see it through subject to NIPT, with low expectations of a successful pregnancy. Several of my friends have had multiple losses at 44+

You can afford to buy in practical help by the sounds of it @LeonardTheLeopard.

HippeePrincess · 05/09/2023 04:24

I absolutely would not keep the baby, especially with an older husband. I’m mid 30’s with a baby with an 8 & 12 year gap and that’s hard enough. Youre about to get your freedom back in a massive way, don’t sign up for another 12 plus years of drudge work. 4 decades of child rearing, 40 years of not being able to do what you want when you want is literally about to be you. You had your kids fairly young so you get to be young enough to properly enjoy them not being as dependent, sounds like you’ve got the money to do it in style. Maybe even retire early.

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 05/09/2023 04:32

No, I wouldn't with your pre existing health conditions.

RexWillKillYou · 05/09/2023 04:33

I wouldn’t continue a pregnancy in your situation.
(easy to say, having never been there)

Hibiscrubbed · 05/09/2023 04:41

Personally, not a chance.

Frenchfancy · 05/09/2023 05:38

I wouldn't. Primarily because of your back, but also because I don't think it would be in the best interests of the rest of your family.

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