Wld you keep the baby in my circumstances?

[LeonardTheLeopard]

I am 45. My husband is 51.

We have three kids: 18,15 and 12. We love having kids and did think of having a fourth years ago but decided against it. I’ve always felt a tiny bit sad about that.

We have no money worries, a spare room and money for childcare.

We have a nice quality of life with older kids: lots of holidays and meals out together. Enjoyment of activities we all can do together. Friends with kids the same age. Nobody we know has babies now.
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I have a bad back, joint pain and have had tests for inflammatory conditions as I feel about 60 in my body. Pregnancy seems a real risk.

I am the main earner, I have a great career that I love. I work full time. I have a shot at becoming chief executive of my organisation next year but not likely if I have just has a baby.

Pregnancy was not planned. I didn’t think we were taking a risk as it was 8 days before my usual ovulation point and I am forty bloody five.

I Am terrified of having a baby but also terrified of having an abortion.

I'm in my 40's with a 4 year old and 3 older children aged 16-21. I have really enjoyed little one this time round as I only have one little one to worry about. I've found I'm having a lot more fun this time round (wouldn't change having my other children, maybe spaced out a bit more) but only having one little one is really refreshing!

Honestly I would say no just by your first line

I can only speak for myself, but I wouldn't. There's too much at risk, for the baby, for you, and for your present children.
Your concerns about what your parents' death at your young age did to you, is surely the clincher?

The man in this situation is always in the position where it's hard to be as honest as he might want to be, in either direction. But I think that the decision he'd like tomake is petty clear.

Well, that's up to you. But why on earth are you shocked? The responsible thing to do is consider the effect of a pregnancy on everyone involved: the parents, existing children, mental and physical health, finances.

It's not the 15th century. Women have choices now. And thank God we do.

Frankly, I think a lot more people should consider terminations.

I personally would terminate. I was a teenager when my mother had her second batch of dc and I would be lying if I said it didn't impact me negatively. And she was under 40.

To me the risk to my body from a pg but also to the baby from my body being unable to carry a healthy pg to term (aside from the genetic risk associated with age, which at least can be screened for) would be too great to warrant carrying on.

I'm not shocked but I am surprised that so many would terminate. Though I also wonder if they would be quite as clear about it if they were actually in the position of finding themselves pregnant and having to make the decision for real, not just in theory.

Well my mum was 45 when she had my youngest suprise brother there's 20 years between us and he became the fourth. Can't imagine my parents aborting a child accident or not. My mum has ms but it never mattered we were all older and adored helping out and my dad 10 years older than mum was great also

I had 2 older DC of 10 1/2 and almost 9 then unexpectedly became pregnant. I cried. We could afford another DC but I just cried and cried. I thought about abortion but just couldn't do it. I had the baby over 41 1/2. He's all grown up now and actually left home last month. He's brought me nothing but joy. He was an easy baby unlike his older brother who had ADHD and made me exhausted. His older siblings have always loved him. He has a great relationship with his brother in particular and they often go to the cinema together. Having him kept me younger than if I didn't have him. The family holidays went on longer because we had him so older 2 kept coming with us. If I'm totally truthful I had him because I couldn't face an abortion but I'm 1000 percent happy we decided to keep him. He's a Mummy's boy far more than my older DS. He's so thoughtful. For my recent birthday he went through cat photos and got them printed off by a photo lab and bought a big frame with lots of cut outs and has made me a lovely framed photo montage of all my cats past and present. He also took me out for a meal and bought me a huge bouquet of flowers. I'm so thankful I have him. I love him so much.

I'm 45 and my youngest is 10. I also have dgc and it's lovely giving them back to their parents! I'm fit and healthy but done with night waking and toddler tantrums, I find it draining these days

2 kids, one teen, one tween, not well-off but good financial situation, in good health, active, supportive DH and loving marriage. A couple of years ago, when I was 47, we had a "burst condom accident". I went to the pharmacy for the morning-after pill first thing in the morning and I told DH that if by any chance I still get pregnant, I will terminate ASAP. Fortunately, no pregnancy, but that incident made it clear for me that I am 100% sure that I do not want to and will not have any other children at this age.

But that's me. Good luck with your decision, whichever it is.

I would also terminate. I'm younger than you, 36, and my children are 15 and 9. I've had 2 c sections, miscarriages and a TFMR.

If I was to conceive again I would terminate, another pregnancy is risky to my health. Even if it wasn't I would still terminate. My children are too old for me to start again now

You have said it far more eloquently than i did. Im not some Anti abortion nut, I know it happens every day and for many different reasons. I genuinely never thought that so many would terminate a baby in these circumstances, guess im in the minority. I hope the OP comes to the best decision for her and her family

I think even when in a stable situation a lot of people see their lives as having different seasons and once out of the baby/toddler season the last thing they want is a do over.

Exactly! Most of us plan our families too - both the timing and the number of DC (as long as fertility allows that) - and 'surprises' are actually not that welcome. The thought of going back to baby stage, sleepless nights, lots of illness, crying, nappies, naps, push chairs, cots, then starting school all over again and yet another 14 years of school terms/holidays is enough to make most parents of older DC want to go and lie down in a darkened room!

I had a 5th baby at 43. There is a 12 year age gap. He has been a total delight and added something amazing to our family. My older children love him to bits and have a very precious relationship. I am also the main earner in a stressful professional full time role and he is not holding me back at all. It is easier to manage a family when you are more senior in my view not least because you can afford to outsource drudgery.

He has been much easier than the 4 I had in 6 years before him and I feel like I have been given a real gift to enjoy his childhood.

I wouldn't do it if you have money worries though.

I was in that position 2 years ago and knew straight away that it was a no-go for me. Adding a baby to our lives when we have 2 teenagers was just not something any of us would have wanted. I had a termination and was very relieved when it was all over.

I'd keep it I think, i did in your situation. I kept it because I didn't think I could live with myself but that's not a reason for you to keep it. I've got a big age gap between mine and the older kids are so helpful with LO. I don't ask them to help they just naturally do it and adore her. She has completed us and I can't imagine life without her.

That's you though, I wonder how many wouldn't feel more clouded about it if they were in that situation? Sometimes it's easy to think we'll feel a certain way, until we are in that position. Not that most of us will face that situation. I sure hope I never find myself in that position.

Hope you’re ok @LeonardTheLeopard

No one can tell you what to do of course.

I'm 41, same ages of kids and had an unplanned baby last year. I just could not do an abortion, it's just not in me. There's a 12 year gap between her and my next youngest. I have Long Covid, so was in terrible health and the pregnancy was really hard. But in the end we were both just fine and now she's 16mo and I couldn't imagine life without her. My other kids are obsessed with her and said many times how glad they are she's with us. It's a lot more fun this time because I'm in a better position financially, etc. and I know what I'm doing. I recognize mistakes I made with my older kids so I feel more capable and less worried. It's just a lot more joyful this time.

It's really up to what you value most in life. Like is your career more important to you? For me a job is just a job, but being a mother is a big part of who I am. I knew that for sure. I think it would help you to look at it like that. Maybe seeing a therapist to have someone guide you through would be good. It's hard to make a decision when hormones are everywhere too.

@LeonardTheLeopard Just wondering what you decided to do in the end?

I had my youngest at 40. Not sure how I'd have felt about another at 45. Had my tubes tied anyway so it couldn't happen.

Health wise given what you’ve said no definitely not. I had just turned 43 when I gave birth, was healthy and active. I unexpectedly through no fault of my own lost my health completely when DD was 3.5. & I never imagined that would happen.

Worst case scenario is your health gets worse throughout pregnancy and postpartum: kicks off menopause and all sorts of hormones as well. Your life will be a misery and you won’t be able to meet the needs of your older children or the baby and you will be in pain and feel guilt. And not enjoying your life with the beautiful family you have.

health is wealth. I wish I’d have known.

Given you are already struggling health wise (I am too, close in age) I wouldn’t even consider it, no.

Forget about 'baby' and reframe it as another 15 years of school runs and being tied to the school term times. I had a child at 41 (4th DC)...I don't regret it but my god I'm done with the regimented education system. He's now 15 and amazing.

Someone in my family had a baby at 45 . I don’t think she regrets it but she’s really struggling now she’s in her late fifties with another child who is going to Uni. They don’t have the financial resources you have. The kids get on really well, but there’s such a big age gap that realistically the younger child is being brought up as an only.

Personally I couldn’t abort but the fact is that this will have huge and possibility very serious detrimental effects on you and your family. Follow your gut feeling.

My father and his sister had a 12 year gap in age and he never had any relationship with her. They were really strangers.