Wld you keep the baby in my circumstances?

[LeonardTheLeopard]

I am 45. My husband is 51.

We have three kids: 18,15 and 12. We love having kids and did think of having a fourth years ago but decided against it. I’ve always felt a tiny bit sad about that.

We have no money worries, a spare room and money for childcare.

We have a nice quality of life with older kids: lots of holidays and meals out together. Enjoyment of activities we all can do together. Friends with kids the same age. Nobody we know has babies now.
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I have a bad back, joint pain and have had tests for inflammatory conditions as I feel about 60 in my body. Pregnancy seems a real risk.

I am the main earner, I have a great career that I love. I work full time. I have a shot at becoming chief executive of my organisation next year but not likely if I have just has a baby.

Pregnancy was not planned. I didn’t think we were taking a risk as it was 8 days before my usual ovulation point and I am forty bloody five.

I Am terrified of having a baby but also terrified of having an abortion.

Absolutely not. When I was younger I had a more optimistic outlook so probably yes but since hitting 40 no way.

Thank you all for your perspectives. It’s interesting that the vast majority of you are very clear you would terminate.

I think deep down I know that’s what I should do. I just feel so very sad as I loved having babies and love motherhood.

But I don’t think I can risk my health: physical but also mental.

I lost both my parents by the time I was 24. That was hard and has affected my whole life. I had my kids when I was youngish partly to minimise that risk to them. My parents had me when they were quite old. They both died before retirement age and I have to acknowledge with that genetic history the same could happen to me.

I just feel so very stupid to be in this situation. My hormones changed recently and led to an increased libido which I put down to peri menopause and decided to enjoy and we took small risks to facilitate that enjoyment. I never took risks before now but I somehow felt protected by the idea I was in a self diagnosed perimenopause. Stupid, stupid, stupid me.

I think I’m only seven weeks so that is good in terms of ways forward. but gosh I wish I didn’t have to take those steps forward.

I'm 45 and wouldn't, especially if I had health conditions . My youngest of 4 also has asd, I had him mid 30s and was bloody knackered as he didn't sleep for years. Having a child with a disability is another consideration at yours and your dhs ages

I would not go ahead with it OP.

Especially considering your health issues.

I am a little older than you, and I can confidently tell you that going into your late 40s and into 50s is quite a challenge in itself.

In another breath, your eldest is now 18. My DC are just slightly older and the issues they are facing right now and the stress involved (for them and for me as trying to be a supportive parent), makes me feel newborn and toddler years were a breeze.

But this is only my opinion if I were in this situation.

I am 45. My husband is 51. We have three kids: 18,15 and 12. As well as this you have a bad back and some other health issues.
At both you and your husband ages you have a far higher chance of having a disabled or austic child or twin's.

At the moment you are the main earner and you have a good chance of getting a very senior role in work within say 12 - 18 months. If you have this baby they won't give you that role especially if you out of work for a period of time due to pregnancy or maternity leave.
I knew a younger woman than you who had an abortion for this reason because she needed that senior role for her and her families long term financial future.

Your kids are currently 12, 15 and 18. They are in secondary school and the 18 year old could be doing A levels. Your coming to a stage that your kids need help getting though the teenage years and exams. Also within say 8 to 10 years all of your kids will be finished college or university. Do you really want to be back to a child in primary school 5/6 years from now? Or what would happen if you had disabled child and had to give up work to care for them? Long term you can't expect your children to care for a disabled child either.

In your situation I would have an abortion because this baby will have to much of an impact on your own health situation. You have to consider your husband age as well as I am sure he does not want to working at 70 due to college cost for a 4th child. Also your current kids need you support and financial help over the next 8-10 years. After this you maybe able to retire early if you don't have a 4th child.

My mum had my sister around that age with 3 teens. We adored her!
She literally had 4 mothers! until we left home.

It’s your choice and it’s a difficult one. Do what’s right for you and your family.

Personally I wouldn't have the baby under these circumstances.

Because of your age, there's a much higher chance that this baby, if born, will have some significant additional needs from any one or more of a myriad of conditions which get more probable with maternal age. Whilst I value all the lovely people with those conditions and acknowledge their right to life, you need to know your limits.

In 6 years time when your 12yo is doing their A-levels and you are 51, if you are providing care for a 5-6 yo with significant conplex needs that need 1:1 care, and may have had to give up work (the availability of nursery and school places for kids with additional needs is shockingly low) then you simply aren't going to be able to give your older children the supportive base they need as they launch into adulthood. You won't get any gap between your parental role finishing and reaching retirement age so your retirement will be a lot more difficult too.

That said, I do know a couple of women who had a 'surprise' baby in mid 40s and they are very happy. The doom-and-gloom outlook in my paragraphs above isn't certain, you could be lucky. However in my own case I would feel it was taking an unreasonable gamble with my ability to be there for my older children.

41 and 45 are very different beasts.
I have had 4 friends have babies at 45 and have struggled physically. It can be a real toll on an older body.
Also pp 2 of them have had children with additional needs. Unrelated to their age but have made it so much harder. One of them is unlikely to ever leave home or need to be in supported accommodation so it has ruined all retirement plans of moving abroad.

If I wanted another baby when I'm 45, and my circumstances supported it (which it sounds like yours do) then personally I'd continue with the pregnancy.

Good luck with whatever you choose.

Only you can decide.

I chose to stop at 2. I knew from wider family that a third child with additional needs would completely change our family and affect everyone, not just me or my health.

I didn't want to risk it - I was early 30s so the risk was low - but it was still risk that wasn't prepared to take as the impacts for everyone would be so great. I don't ever regret that decision.

I wouldn't

This is a really narrow-minded view. You can't think of any reasons why a woman might want to about? Even after the op listed several?

People should never have a Dc thinking that their older Dc can help to raise it. It's not fair on them.

I wouldn't have this baby. Think about your health - mental and physical - and your existing Dc. 💐

I really feel for you. I had a surprise baby ten years ago at 34 (my others were around 10), and that caused a lot of disruption to the family unit. It was fine though, because realistically I was still relatively young, and so were my other children. If it happened again now I would not have the baby. This is very easy for me to say, as I am not pregnant, and I think it will be very hard for you, but I really don't think it's a good idea for anyone involved.

It’s your decision but I know someone who had a baby at 46 and the baby is fine and she’s fine. She told me she has far more patience as an older mother and also appreciates the little things more. She had an easy pregnancy (her words) and gave birth naturally.

If you want the baby, have it. Don’t be led astray by what you think you should do

I’m researching my family tree at the moment and lots of women had their last child in their 40s. The only caveat I would give is to have all the tests and reconsider if there are major problems, as that would add a different light to things.

I'm just 46 and cannot imagine going through pregnancy now,my children are younger, and I'm exhausted. So no.

She has just said that she feels 60!

I wouldn’t continue with the pregnancy in your shoes.

I would feel sad about about aborting but it would be the best thing for the family.

Me and my husband had a pregnancy scare a few month ago and although thankfully it came to nothing, we were panicking at the idea of it. We are both only 40 and that was still bad enough. We both felt we were too old to bring another baby into the world (we currently have a 6 and 9 year old) and neither of us would have been prepared to take the additional risks of having a baby with disabilities or additional needs because of how it would impact on our lives.

Like you I also have a heart condition that can make pregnancy very risky for myself and so I wouldn’t have been prepared to jeopardise myself when I already had two children who needed their mother well.

Please do think about the impact having another baby could have on your existing children.

You haven’t mentioned your husband’s
view? Though at 51 years old I doubt he’s jumping for joy at the prospect of becoming a father all over again?

You obviously have conflicting emotions which is understandable and ultimately the decision rests with you but make sure you really take some time to think deeply about the realities of how your life could be if you continued with the pregnancy.

Yes. My grandmother had a baby at 49 and she lived until she was 95. A pretty decent amount of time to have a parent around.

I was just offering my personal experience, as everyone is different and older mothers are subject to ridiculous, inaccurate stereotypes. My experience is valid and true. Your friends do not represent all mothers after 40.

No way.

Honestly, I think you would be bonkers to continue with this. You already struggle with your health and your joints - do you really want to be dealing with the newborn and toddler years all over again?

I just wanted to add in re the comment about your DH OP.

A male family member of mine became a new dad at 52. Although of course it is different in that a pregnancy won't affect him physically, but even he agrees that has life and life plans changed drastically. Although he loves the child immeasurably, he now will not be able to retire at 55 as planned, his free time is not now his and most events are child focused. He was quite accomplished in a sport, which has taken a back seat now, as he doesn't have the same amount of time for it, and neither the same energy levels he had when his now young adult children were born.

What are your DH views?

And what were the factors in deciding against another pregnancy when the topic came up before ?

Personally I wouldn’t.

I wouldn’t. Not because of the age, I would feel perfectly young enough for a baby, I don’t think most women are exhausted and on their knees in their 40 and 50’s.

however You have a nice life and good job. You’ve kids who don’t need you so much. You’re moving on to the next phase, do you really want another 20 + years of kids at home and go back to doing school runs and play dates etc. no way would I. If you had small children currently I might say differently but not when you’re seeing the end of the childhood tunnel no way

No, definitely not. You're very old to be having a baby at 45 and your family is complete, career is great, health isn't great, etc. There is literally no reason to continue with an accidental pregnancy. Plus, at 45 the risk of chromosonal abnormalities and a disabled DC would be too high for me to risk it.