My 15yo is a rude, uneducated fool. Yes of course this is my responsibility but I still want to complain about it.

[parentingdisappointment]

I went into parenting with such great intentions. At every step, I sought advice and pushed myself to meet my children's needs and as many of their wants as I could. Their dad left when the younger one was born and although he continued to see them weekly, for two hours at a time, has been of very little support. No family help so mostly it has been just me.

Like so many parents, I have been conscientious about their welfare and education. I have tried to give them as many opportunities as possible - music lessons, sports clubs, art classes, theatre school - anything at all they expressed interest in so they could get a wide range of experiences from which to develop interests.

I researched education to great lengths and managed to fund private schooling for their secondary years.

Even though I have long struggled to provide, often down to less than $10 in my bank account by Friday, I busted a gut to take them on holidays - to the beaches, to the mountains, to hotels, to campgrounds - again, trying to give them lots of experiences.

At home I tried to maintain routines to keep them feeling cosy and secure - bedtimes with stories (when they were little), pudding nights, Sunday morning pancakes, eating dinner together every evening, that sort of thing.

And here I am... my youngest is 15 and he is rude, so rude, addicted to vaping and weed, constantly in trouble at school, doing bare minimum school work, and frankly has very few redeeming features. When he doesn't get what he wants, he is quick to anger using violence. He has smashed up the home so many times.

I am not wanting advice or expecting solutions. So long as he is taking drugs he is going to be unreasonable, I understand this. But I just want to write this down. I find it difficult to imagine him emerging from this a. alive and b. functioning well. I have dug deep to try to accept him for who he is, to be patient, to get him to engage with support services, but sometimes I just look at him and think god what an absolute brat, I can only imagine how irritated they must be with him at school and in the wider world.

So yeah, this is parenting. Really over it. The End.

Totally agree re - the gentle parenting.

All I will say is don’t give up on him.
I have known people as teens who did far worse and turned out ok, are lovely and have good jobs.

Don’t give up on him. Continue to be yourself and hopefully things will turn around.

OP - I’m not going to read the whole thread either . 15 year olds are tough , parenting is tough and you just got a difficult example - it’s not your fault .I don’t have the answers and the OP bashing posters won’t either when a similar or different teenage problem lands in their own living room . I have a 15 who barely leaves his room , a 13 who could easily go the same way as yours and have friends who have similar issues to you - they are excellent parents who do the best for the boys just like it sounds you do ( but I definitely wouldn’t say their son is spoilt) . Just keep going - I hope he comes good .

This. There is nothing in the OP to say she spoilt her children. In fact she describes how she ensured routines. Routines require boundaries after all. From the OP it sounds like quite a normal middle class childhood.

Its hard to imagine how unpleasant an individual one needs to be, to read that OP, and then invent a ‘spoilt child’ narrative just to kick the blame boot in to someone who is already down.

If it was the answer I wouldn't have had the issues I had with one of my teens!

Firm boundaries, routine, love, lots of communication/listening, a bit of spoiling at times and still ended up a little shit in secondary!

Thankfully calmed down now in late teens but my goodness, can't even explain how hard and heartbreaking it was seeing my lovely little boy turning into someone I didn't recognise. Zero respect for me at that time.

Agree with the PP who said that this basis will serve him very well once he gets through whatever is triggering his behaviour at the moment.

I think it sounds like a lovely enriching childhood. Honestly I think part of it will be his dad, does he feel rejected?

It's a go to for MN, it's one of the "things" that has become prevalent. For a website forum based on parenting, lots of posters seem to fucking hate kids. The OP was never in with a chance here - she looked after her kids and tried hard, she loved them, so it must be her fault.

OP not sure where abouts you are but some charities are offering family therapy (I think you can get it through CAMHS but that could take years and be ineffective). However not sure if you are in UK as you mentioned dollars.

Sounds like many mothers on Mumsnet are dangerously unaware of the permanent damaging impact that weed smoking has on a developing brain.
It's nothing like a cig behind a bike shed when in your teens. Nothing like a can of beer or getting properly smashed on vodka the first time&barfing everywhere (and swearing off it for years after).
It's also nothing like the weed that was around decades earlier.
Educate yourselves so you can educate your teens (whilst they still have brain cells left) .

Hardly OP's fault. And many single parented children grow up fine, just as many two-parented children go off the rails at some point.

At 15 my ds was full of anger and you couldn’t talk to him when the red mist of anger descended. It took me a long time to realise that saying anything at that point was useless. Things started getting better when I learnt to walk away saying we’ll discuss this later. More often than not, as soon as he’d calmed down he’d approach me and be reasonable and we could resolve the issue calmly.

Drugs complicate the matter but they really do generally grow up and they get to be nice adults due to the earlier values they will have absorbed. Ds is wonderful now at 20.

You have my sympathy. Been in these shoes, it's awful. While he is still 15, I strongly recommend that the next time he damages the home (and warn him before that of what will happen) call the police. He needs a wake-up call.
Where does the weed and vape money come from?

No blame to you OP @parentingdisappointment.
You sound like an amazing Mum. Are your son's siblings boys or girls. What's their relationship with your ds15 like ?
Could they have a chat with him ?
Is his Dad around ?
If his Dad is not around, do you have a new partner ?
If so, what's their relationship like ?
Peer pressure is big at that age ? What are his friends like ?
Their home lives ?
At private school could he feel pressure socially ?
Teenagers can be cruel.

I really feel for you, OP.

op u have been a fab mum. you have provided opportunities and skills to your kids. you have not spoilt them. how your son behaves is a reflection on him, not you. give yourself a break. you have raised your kids by yourself. next time he smashes your house up kick him out. let his dad take a turn. this is the wake up call he needs. he brings weed into your house, phone the police. he takes the absolute piss out of you because he thinks he can, not because your a bad mum. ask school for help if he still goes.

No, we are aware. It's just that I feel the OP needs some TLC and a hug, not advice right now. The time for advice will come later and no doubt she will do her best to get help for her son.

So often during my teen parenting journey, I have wanted someone to just give me a hug and say "well done". Sometimes they did. Sometimes they didn't. It is an incredibly lonely path.

Mums of teens are generally much kinder than those of primary age. We know we are all one phone call away from disaster

Sounds like many mothers on Mumsnet are dangerously unaware of the permanent damaging impact that weed smoking has on a developing brain.

What makes you say that? I don't think anyone's been saying 'Awww you meanie, OP - let the poor boy have his weed!' have they? Handwringing about it doesn't stop them doing it, unfortunately.

I know what you mean about not telling your mum. My mother would have been horrified at the things I got up to. Luckily dd is waaaay more sensible than I ever was - or dh for that matter. I’m pretty non judgmental and have an open door, open communication policy so I know things about her friends (that her friends have told me) for example so we all talk and learn. I know other parents do the same, maybe different things, and I’m all for educating our kids. Am I under the illusion dd will tell me everything? No

Idk about the boys and dope. Deffo wasn’t any at the party. You could have a point about some of them smoking it though. I mean, didn’t a lot of us try it at this age? It seems to me they’re meeting up less these days and chatting more online so fewer opportunities. The gatecrashers had to jump over a fence and the mum chucked them out of the house btw.

OP daughter of single mum here. I gave her so much trouble in my teens (different kind of, but still) even though I always knew she deserved better. Couldn't help myself.

So sorry about the sanctimonious 'you spoiled him' posts. Nothing in your post to suggest that.

My own 15 year old is hellish too and the13 yo little better. Hang on in there. There's no guarantee that it'll get better but there is a chance.

I never imagined that parenting involves this kind of desperate hope. It's f.ing hard.

How’s he getting the weed. It made mine worse when he couldn’t get hold of it. But I needed to get him to break the habit.

it’s like dealing with bigger sulkier toddlers with capacity to do more damage.

are you in the US @parentingdisappointment or UK?

Wondering there’s any services you can reach out to?

If you want to sort the weed out you have to get to the bottom of why they are smoking it. It's only the op bringing them up there is a couple of questions that needs to be asked did the op have other relationships and how long did it last that will bring confusion. My son is already come out with your mum jokes.

Family do they see their other family and how often. I explained to my children about my family and why they don't see them I am not ashamed to tell them my story.

Be honest with your children about what has happened and even your fuck ups in life. I spoke to my children until I was blue in the face they know where I am coming from. My children are now 19, 17, 15 and 8. It's hard but you have to keep on going and keep talking he doesn't understand his actions but he will when he goes into the jungle alone and they grab him.

I wasn't going to post again as I only wrote this because I needed to get this off my chest, but I see there are pages of responses so I am here to acknowledge that.

To anyone who has been kind - thank you, you're a good person. To anyone who has been judgemental and/or rude, I am not interested in your opinion of my parenting. Honestly, you would be well advised to look in the mirror if you are wanting to criticise someone though I appreciate that may not stoke the ego as nicely.

To be clear, I am not wading through responses. I know my situation. I know my son. I know I have always done my best. Nothing you say will change that.

I looked at about 6 responses on the last page and they were extremely kind and emotionally intelligent: thank you. They allude to pages of OP-bashing which is why I won't read any more because clearly it won't add to my life.

This is not about poor parenting; this is about addiction and the impact on relationships. He has taken many other drugs and he is also extremely sensitive so as you can perhaps imagine, the drugs are very much messing with his mind. I understand that.

He has his own peer support worker and he & I go to therapist who specialises in young men. Like I said, I am a conscientious parent.

Where does he get his money? He deals. He has a lot of money.

No, I am not going to kick him out. There are enough people living on the streets. Making someone homeless is never good for them or society as a whole.

And no, I am not going to confiscate his drugs or his electronics (please, that is so mid-2000s) mostly because I don't want my house smashed up and because it is aggressive and counter-productive. You cannot punish someone out of an addiction. He knows I can and do call police. They are kind and sensible. He has completed one round of community service to atone for his sins and to be fair, there is a slight improvement in his behaviour since the beginning of this year.

He is young. He is loved and supported, he is clever and popular. He may or may not survive this patch. I am well aware he is just one poor decision away from death.

I am loved by friends, I have a great job and a good therapist. When I want advice, I ask experts - doctors, therapists, parenting coaches - those are my go tos.

Two of my friends have lost children this year, one to physical illness and the other to mental illness. Parenting outcomes are as certain as Russian Roulette. Mostly because it isn't just parenting that contributes to a child's life experiences. There are physical, social and economic factors too. Who are their peers? What is the neighbourhood like? Have they endured long lockdowns and/or significant trauma? Where we live, many people's lives have been tipped upside down by natural disaster. They don't emerge unscathed.

Anyway, that's more than enough from me. I am looking forward to the day I feel physically safe in my own home, and psychologically safe too. Going into a parenting forum is a very unsafe past-time and maybe one day, that will change too.

To anyone who is struggling with teens right now, you are not alone. Maybe one day we will grow to be a more emotionally intelligent society where we support each other rather than tear each other apart. Until then, stay strong. Or find a vice that works.

OP, you sound sensible, wise and a great parent who is doing everything she can ( and alone!) I don't know enough about drug addiction to comment on your strategy, but I send you my best wishes. I hope you get the support and love you need, and can vent here again without being judged.