My 15yo is a rude, uneducated fool. Yes of course this is my responsibility but I still want to complain about it.

[parentingdisappointment]

I went into parenting with such great intentions. At every step, I sought advice and pushed myself to meet my children's needs and as many of their wants as I could. Their dad left when the younger one was born and although he continued to see them weekly, for two hours at a time, has been of very little support. No family help so mostly it has been just me.

Like so many parents, I have been conscientious about their welfare and education. I have tried to give them as many opportunities as possible - music lessons, sports clubs, art classes, theatre school - anything at all they expressed interest in so they could get a wide range of experiences from which to develop interests.

I researched education to great lengths and managed to fund private schooling for their secondary years.

Even though I have long struggled to provide, often down to less than $10 in my bank account by Friday, I busted a gut to take them on holidays - to the beaches, to the mountains, to hotels, to campgrounds - again, trying to give them lots of experiences.

At home I tried to maintain routines to keep them feeling cosy and secure - bedtimes with stories (when they were little), pudding nights, Sunday morning pancakes, eating dinner together every evening, that sort of thing.

And here I am... my youngest is 15 and he is rude, so rude, addicted to vaping and weed, constantly in trouble at school, doing bare minimum school work, and frankly has very few redeeming features. When he doesn't get what he wants, he is quick to anger using violence. He has smashed up the home so many times.

I am not wanting advice or expecting solutions. So long as he is taking drugs he is going to be unreasonable, I understand this. But I just want to write this down. I find it difficult to imagine him emerging from this a. alive and b. functioning well. I have dug deep to try to accept him for who he is, to be patient, to get him to engage with support services, but sometimes I just look at him and think god what an absolute brat, I can only imagine how irritated they must be with him at school and in the wider world.

So yeah, this is parenting. Really over it. The End.

Well you tried your best OP but sometimes people will be what they choose to be.

Hopefully your other children are of a nicer nature.

all these people blaming OP probably don’t have teens yet and when they do I hope it bites them in the bum. It’s easy to have all the answers and judgements when you’ve only just dipped your toe into the relatively tranquil waters of having young kids where they are easy enough to understand and control. Parenting is more luck than anything. OP has been a good parent and this could happen to any of us. Be humble.

Sorting out holidays and extra curric is not "spoiling," just normal childrearing stuff.

Most likely, the 15yo has a difficult personality because he takes after his father, who apparently doesn't care enough to be properly involved in the kids' lives.

This, and the OP was inevitably going to be accused of spoiling him or neglecting him. It’s always a pile-on. 🙄

How exactly has OP spoiled him?

The sad fact is that some people are te way they are. I am sorry, OP. You have every right to feel hurt and disappointed.

You’ve done so well op to stay positive. Have you tried everything? I have a girl the same age and battles are fierce but luckily we don’t have these troubles.

All you can really do now is drop the rope. Start focusing on your mental well-being and that of your older dc(s) if they’re affected. Get support for you so you can bear this. It is very likely your ds will turn out alright in the end.

Just expect the bare minimum from him, that he attends school and you expect him to get them, to let him know that once he’s done his GCSES / exams, he will be needing go for state sector education.

OP I feel for you so much. Sometimes by trying your best you don't get the best results. You have given your all and he is being a brat. We can't predict how our offspring will turn out. Best thing you can do now is back off and by that i mean stop trying to be everyone and everything. Buy his food and basic clothes but give nothing else but your pledge to love him but make sure he understands you are taking no more crap. Speak to his lazy assed father and tell him to sort his son out because that is what a boy needs, a bloody good bollocking by his Dad. As much as we mothers think w.e are all a child needs, sadly that is not the case. Get his father involved and do nothing more than the basics until your son shows the respect that he hasn't been taught

Take this chat to the teens chat section and you’ll find much more knowledgeable people OP- half of these people piling on you have no clue about teenagers.

I know, right? Nothing in the OP's post shouted 'spoiled' to me, either (and I don't even have kids, so I definitely know when a child is being 'spoiled' 😉)

He's 15. You've given him a great foundation, and he'll find his way back.

Be patient with yourself, be firm with him, and have faith that all your hard work will pay off in the end.

Good luck!

Wow... some really nasty posts.

Sounds like OP is doing great as a caring mother. Sometimes they are just who they are, parents who have children doing well try to claim all the credit but in reality it is mostly down to the individual child and luck in my opinion.

This. All that smugness will come crumbling down. Parenting is very often luck.

This is very true. Don't give up on him. If he feels like you no longer care, he'll go completely off the rails. Call him out on his shitty behaviour as well, however, and let him know how much it upsets you (don't say "disappointed" – if he feels like a loser or failure that will make him worse). I was vile to my mother in my teens, utterly vile and disgusting. But I behaved that way because I was frightened and unhappy. Many vile 15-year-olds turn into lovely adults.

OP when my son was 15 he was curious about drugs, wanted to be the cool one amongst his peers & was suddenly much more interested in pleasing his mates, than his parents. He had a lovely upbringing, very well loved but ended up getting expelled from school a short while before GCSE’s. I felt awful as worried it was my fault somehow. He learned from his mistakes though…he’s now at uni and has a fantastic work ethic, has worked most of the summer holidays & is an absolutely lovely young man. Don’t write yr son off too quickly, I think 15-18 is incredibly hard for some boys. I would try & get him into the gym and boxing as both these need self discipline.

Drugs are rife in public schools in some areas. County gangs are everywhere. Depends which crowd he is running with.
Talk to the appropriate person at school …let them know about the addictions and ask them for help. Keep up regular communication with them.
Make sure he knows the facts about drugs…how the gangs work and where it leads to eventually. Violence, criminality, homelessness, hopelessness.
Let him know you will not and can not finance a drug habit for any of you and you won’t tolerate drugs in the house.
I'm sure you have done all those things already, as you sound like an excellent, loving mum.
Fingers crossed for you OP. It’s so, so tough these days.

It isn't helpful for posters with young kids saying that when they are 15 they will be fantastically behaved. You literally have no idea. Kids have this habit of behaving in certain ways that you will struggle to stop. Op my DD was a nightmare for several years. She's come through it and all the things that we did for her and the opportunities we provided her with have stayed with her.

I would say at this point your job is consistency and damage limitation. Try and support him not to make really shit decisions that will impact the rest of his life. For instance my DD really messed up her first year in university. It seemed like the end of the world at the time. But it taught her that actions have consequences. Now 4 years on it's actually of no importance that she lost a year trying to get back onto her course. It's fine.

Good luck - it's a shitty situation for you all.

I've just read that post.

Give me strength!

It'll probably be from his 'dad'

Sorting out holidays and extra curric is not "spoiling," just normal childrearing stuff.

^This. I'm sorry you've had such ignorant, mean-spirited responses, OP. Giving your children opportunities and trying to pave the way to a good future for them is not spoiling them, whatever these chippy posters might say!

My one fear with all my children is peer pressure. No matter how good of a parent you are if Billy up the road says his parents let him why can't I then they follow that. I was thorn between my daughter and her friends.

Op... I've been there, done that..got the t shirt and the grey hair!
I have four children, who have had a loving stable upbringing, dh and I are pretty chilled and don't argue, etc etc but DS2 STILL went off the rails.
You name it..he did it. Lied, stole (hundreds from us) smoked weed, got arrested at one point (for something he hadn't actually done...but the scare was good for him).
He smashed holes in doors and walls in rage. For about 4 years he was just an angry ball of raging hormoes and he was AWFUL. The others.. fine.. same parents same parenting.. it was him. His sisters and brothers were scared of him.

We survived by going grey rock. If he was civil, so were we.. casually friendly but that was it. We bought a safe to keep our money/wallets/anything he might steal and sell. Told him simply that we couldn't trust him so it was necessary. It was awful.
But.. after 3 years of this, at 16 he got a part time job and it was the making of him.. literally making dough at Dominos... he was kept busy when not at school, he was away from dodgy mates and he realised he liked working and earning, and gradually he became human again. By 17 he was a lot better.
Now he's a perfectly lovely, trustworthy hard working man with a wonderful wife, living in Australia, working hard and he has apologised So many times for his behaviour. He says he just felt angry all the time.

He's also quite good at DIY as his Dad did make him repair the holes he punched in doors and walls...

Hang in there. If he was ok before his teens then he will very likely come out of it the other side.

And ignore the smuggerati on here who have NO idea. !!

Hi OP.
This sounds like such a tough situation. I have no advice, solutions or judgement, just sympathy. It sounds like you have done, and are doing a great job. Hold on in there doing your best and hopefully he’ll get to the other side of puberty with family relations still intact.

I'm so glad some normal people joined this thread after the idiots at the beginning, that was hard to read. So much for women supporting women ey. How depressing

Private schools are absolutely rife with drugs; send him to a good state school and you'll solve the drug problems I'm sure

Private schools are absolutely rife with drugs; send him to a good state school and you'll solve the drug problems I'm sure.

I'm afraid schools are full of drugs full stop. Good schools, bad schools, state schools, private schools.