Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

My 15yo is a rude, uneducated fool. Yes of course this is my responsibility but I still want to complain about it.

270 replies

parentingdisappointment · 09/08/2023 10:57

I went into parenting with such great intentions. At every step, I sought advice and pushed myself to meet my children's needs and as many of their wants as I could. Their dad left when the younger one was born and although he continued to see them weekly, for two hours at a time, has been of very little support. No family help so mostly it has been just me.

Like so many parents, I have been conscientious about their welfare and education. I have tried to give them as many opportunities as possible - music lessons, sports clubs, art classes, theatre school - anything at all they expressed interest in so they could get a wide range of experiences from which to develop interests.

I researched education to great lengths and managed to fund private schooling for their secondary years.

Even though I have long struggled to provide, often down to less than $10 in my bank account by Friday, I busted a gut to take them on holidays - to the beaches, to the mountains, to hotels, to campgrounds - again, trying to give them lots of experiences.

At home I tried to maintain routines to keep them feeling cosy and secure - bedtimes with stories (when they were little), pudding nights, Sunday morning pancakes, eating dinner together every evening, that sort of thing.

And here I am... my youngest is 15 and he is rude, so rude, addicted to vaping and weed, constantly in trouble at school, doing bare minimum school work, and frankly has very few redeeming features. When he doesn't get what he wants, he is quick to anger using violence. He has smashed up the home so many times.

I am not wanting advice or expecting solutions. So long as he is taking drugs he is going to be unreasonable, I understand this. But I just want to write this down. I find it difficult to imagine him emerging from this a. alive and b. functioning well. I have dug deep to try to accept him for who he is, to be patient, to get him to engage with support services, but sometimes I just look at him and think god what an absolute brat, I can only imagine how irritated they must be with him at school and in the wider world.

So yeah, this is parenting. Really over it. The End.

OP posts:
Eddyraisins · 09/08/2023 15:12

GasPanic · 09/08/2023 11:45

TBH someone at private school and addicted to weed and vaping sounds really off to me. I'm not saying it can't happen - just because it is a private school doesn't mean there aren't parents with too much money that don't care what their kids get up to, but if it is affecting the greater school then they should be coming down on it like a ton of bricks.

At that sort of age, kids are more influenced by those around them rather than their parents. Generally they don't go off and become weed addicted on their own. They do it because their mates are doing it.

So although I don't think just because a kid goes to private school that means parents get to delegate their responsibility for parenting, I do think that it sounds like their could be issues at the school that they are not properly addressing.

You speak in your post a lot about what is going on. But you don't say why you think your son is behaving like this and trying to understand the motivations for his behaviour, which to me is the only possible route to finding a way of stopping it.

I think weed is a problem in a lot of schools particularly with the new dab pens. Not the majority but a significant minority from my experience.

Ofcourseshecan · 09/08/2023 15:14

Sending you a hug, OP. You did your best in every possible way. You achieved an amazing amount for the boys, all by yourself. Their worthless father is to blame, but knowing that is no help to you at present.

I hope your son grows out of this difficult phase soon. You deserve so much better. And he will very probably realise that when he is more mature.

Meanwhile, take care of yourself xx

Seafarer · 09/08/2023 15:15

BrekkieLunchDinner · 09/08/2023 11:33

A little glimmer of hope.

I was a wanker at 15. I grew into a good adult applying all the home training provided to me. Hopefully your child will do the same.

Same here. All is not lost @parentingdisappointment & remember the Mumsnet mantra ‘this phase too shall pass.’

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

15 year olds Families
AntiSocial6DaysAWeek · 09/08/2023 15:16

QforCucumber · 09/08/2023 11:32

@lking12 in what way?

DS is 7, he asks for things at the shops and is told no, what happens when he doesn't listen? Well he is still told no, and then we go home.

And there is an absolute reason he is told no at 7 for many many things, in the most part so he learns to hear it ready for when he's older. I wholly expect it to be harder then, but he will be familiar with the concept of it.

Your DS is 7.

I cannot believe you actually think telling him no in shops at that age is going to ensure his behaviour as a teen. It really doesn't.

HoneycombBauble · 09/08/2023 15:16

Don't drop the rope.... Keep lines of communication open. Even if you don't like him, love him.

I'm a single mum (widow) to two boys. One was a vile tempered teenager and at 21 is now lovely- though with a host of serious mental health problems. Polite, mature, thoughtful.

The younger is 16- vaping and weed smoking. I'm horrified. But try to see it as the equivalent of the underage drinking that i did at his age. i turned out ok!

Do-n't drop the rope. It's so hard. But keep calm, stick to your morals, pick your battles, explain your boundaries, and keep the faith that he will mature and come out the other side of these teenage years.

Sometimes parents just have no influence whatsoever over their children, but sometimes modelling decent behaviour instils morals and values in them which only appear in the longer term.

TheaBrandt · 09/08/2023 15:16

Sorry but snorting at posters saying their child’s secondary school “doesn’t have any drugs” - one of the most naive things I’ve read for a while.

MysteryBelle · 09/08/2023 15:16

It is a situation most parents face, a child who is in a destructive peer group, the kids who introduced your son to pot and vaping, and how to get the child away from them and with better influences.

floribunda18 · 09/08/2023 15:19

It's the boys' grammars locally which have loads of lads into drugs. It's the kids who can afford it.

CheshireCat1 · 09/08/2023 15:21

Personally I think that no matter how well you bring your kids up some do go off the rails. It’s nobody’s fault, just circumstances, bad luck, personality and sometimes who they mix with. Don’t give up on him, the son that you loved may well appear again. Look after yourself.

AntiSocial6DaysAWeek · 09/08/2023 15:25

TheaBrandt · 09/08/2023 15:16

Sorry but snorting at posters saying their child’s secondary school “doesn’t have any drugs” - one of the most naive things I’ve read for a while.

Yep. My teens are at one of the top rated schools in the country in an affluent area and the gossip is rife about drugs, it's known for that being their biggest issue (think mostly weed and coke from what I've heard).

One a few miles away is rife for knives so I guess it's the lesser of two evils.

And there are 12 year old's vaping no matter what school you're at. One day I heard the kids from a private school near to me who looked about 13, swearing in their super posh voices in their smart blazers talking about what they would be getting up to that weekend.

I'd imagine their parents had no idea of their plans or what their allowance buys.

Inmyonesie · 09/08/2023 15:31

I have a 17yo who is slowly returning to a decent human. 15&16 were the absolute worst-vaping, drinking, sneaking out. I realised it was stress off GCSEs combined with friendship issues and a tonne of hormones. You have given your DS a wonderful start to life, and with time he will come back round. It’s such a difficult age to navigate through. You have my sympathies.

Anyport · 09/08/2023 15:32

I see nothing in your narrative about boundaries and consequences. It reads as if you have met their needs and gone to great lengths to meet their wants but now that you want and expect good behaviour you don't know what to do to get that. To add to all of that you don't want advice or solutions.🤔

Halfemptyhalfling · 09/08/2023 15:32

Would take him out the private school and change his peer group and spend the money on stopping him smashing the house up.

ItsJustNotHappening · 09/08/2023 15:33

My friend went to a well known public school and he was able to partake in almost every drug going while he was there. I am stunned he managed to pass any exams because he was out of his face for most of his time at school.

Ohpleeeease · 09/08/2023 15:35

I'd like to add, for some perspective and possibly even some hope, that sometimes the fruits of your parenting efforts aren't seen for a long time. So, you've provided your children with a secure and loving home environment (not perfect, probably, but no life is perfect).
**
Your son has gone off the rails in his teenage years. Not actually that uncommon. What often sets apart the ones who go off the rails permanently and the ones that manage to turn things around, is what their early years were like. Whether they had even just one consistent, loving presence in their lives. And your son has, and has had, you. Hold onto that and don't give up all hope yet, OP.

Couldn’t agree more. You haven’t spoiled your son, OP, you’ve prepared him to be a decent human being when he gets through this horrible stage. Have faith, it will all come good.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/08/2023 15:35

TheaBrandt · 09/08/2023 15:16

Sorry but snorting at posters saying their child’s secondary school “doesn’t have any drugs” - one of the most naive things I’ve read for a while.

If ur laughing at me, my dd is friends with most of the boys and none of them mor her female friends smoke weed. She’d be disgusted. There’s only about 40 kids in the year and more girls so perhaps this is why. The only boy I know of from her school, who smoked weed, was in the year above and expelled.

The rural school is even smaller but seems to have more boys. Dd came home from a house party recently and was outraged that a group of boys from the rural school had tried to gatecrash a house party. Stoned. She used to be friends with the boys from the rural school but doesn’t have anything nice to say about them anymore.

I’m obviously not naive enough to think some of the kids are not clandestinely nicking a bottle of vodka from home to party on some field or vaping etc. But afaik right now, none of the kids in her year are smoking weed. Of course this could change. Dd gets on with everyone and would be likely to know.

GreggingIt · 09/08/2023 15:41

AntiSocial6DaysAWeek · 09/08/2023 15:16

Your DS is 7.

I cannot believe you actually think telling him no in shops at that age is going to ensure his behaviour as a teen. It really doesn't.

Show quote history

I know right. If this was the answer to all behaviour problems in all teens then heck, let’s do a public announcement and we’ve all got it cracked.

Meanwhile back in the real world…

Tessisme · 09/08/2023 15:43

theyareonlynoodlesmichael · 09/08/2023 11:35

How did everyone jump to 'Spoiled'?

Yeah, these are my thoughts too ...

I am sending my solidarity to you, OP. I too am having a shit time with my 15yo DS right now and wondering where I went wrong. If anyone had told me a year ago that he would be like he is now, I honestly would have laughed.

SerafinasGoose · 09/08/2023 15:46

Boomchuck · 09/08/2023 15:04

Gosh OP, some people have been really unkind here. I expect many of those passing harsh judgment are parents of younger children. It’s easy to judge before your own kids ‘wolf out’ in the teen years. The reality is that kids/teens are their own people and can be idiots/difficult just like adults can. Sometimes they just are awful to be around because they are finding their identities and processing all of their big new emotions though the filter of raging hormones.

Hang in there. I think most—if not all—of us look back to when we were 15 and cringe, so it’s unlikely he will stay this way forever. Stay the course, be consistent with both love and discipline, and keep enforcing your rules. I bet he will pull out of it by the time he graduates.

I'm the parent of a younger child (9) but I've also been a daughter. I think people quickly forget.

I had a rebellious phase in which I was completely impossible: hanging out with miscreants and staying out all night drinking, without even bothering to tell my mum where I was. I felt so guilty when I grew up and realized how worried she must have been.

Teenagers are arseholes. They are notorious for it. Thankfully most of us come out on the other side of them fine, and with our relationships with our parents relatively undamaged.

DungareesAndTrombones · 09/08/2023 15:49

Ah @parentingdisappointment I really feel for you and you sound lovely. I'm in a similar situation with DS13 who tests my fucking patience all day, does stupid things that get him on the local Facebook page none stop, has vaped, tried weed, in danger of getting thrown out of school.... He is a genuine shit head at times. However, deep down, I know my lovely kid is still in there even though I have to hang on to that thought with my fingernails at times. Sending love and solidarity.

DungareesAndTrombones · 09/08/2023 15:52

@HoneycombBauble I love that. Don't drop the rope. The amount of deep breaths I have to take with my kid - suprised i haven't exploded yet. His brothers are grade A kids who are horrified by his behaviour yet here we are.

EarthlyNightshade · 09/08/2023 15:54

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/08/2023 15:35

If ur laughing at me, my dd is friends with most of the boys and none of them mor her female friends smoke weed. She’d be disgusted. There’s only about 40 kids in the year and more girls so perhaps this is why. The only boy I know of from her school, who smoked weed, was in the year above and expelled.

The rural school is even smaller but seems to have more boys. Dd came home from a house party recently and was outraged that a group of boys from the rural school had tried to gatecrash a house party. Stoned. She used to be friends with the boys from the rural school but doesn’t have anything nice to say about them anymore.

I’m obviously not naive enough to think some of the kids are not clandestinely nicking a bottle of vodka from home to party on some field or vaping etc. But afaik right now, none of the kids in her year are smoking weed. Of course this could change. Dd gets on with everyone and would be likely to know.

Show quote history

I wouldn't have dreamt of telling my mum what the other kids in my class/school were up to! It's a natural part of growing up, to separate from your parents and have your own secrets.
I don't doubt that you know your own DD and trust her, but I wouldn't be too sure that no one in the school touches weed - especially if the boys in the rural school turn up stoned.

Bowbowbo · 09/08/2023 15:57

Wow, so many people blaming you OP! They're all perfect parents, with perfect children, obviously.

It's a lottery in my experience. Some teens are delightful, some are horrid. The thing to keep positive about here is that he is only 15. I reckon he'll grow out of it. In the meantime, keep true to yourself, with your head down and a tin hat on. Good luck.

minipie · 09/08/2023 16:00

All these people blaming you OP. They are simply wanting to assure themselves that this could not possibly happen to them, oh no.

The fact is that ANY child can go off the rails especially if they get into drugs and/or the wrong crowd . Some of them, hopefully most, will make their way back when a little more maturity kicks in.