My 15yo is a rude, uneducated fool. Yes of course this is my responsibility but I still want to complain about it.

[parentingdisappointment]

I went into parenting with such great intentions. At every step, I sought advice and pushed myself to meet my children's needs and as many of their wants as I could. Their dad left when the younger one was born and although he continued to see them weekly, for two hours at a time, has been of very little support. No family help so mostly it has been just me.

Like so many parents, I have been conscientious about their welfare and education. I have tried to give them as many opportunities as possible - music lessons, sports clubs, art classes, theatre school - anything at all they expressed interest in so they could get a wide range of experiences from which to develop interests.

I researched education to great lengths and managed to fund private schooling for their secondary years.

Even though I have long struggled to provide, often down to less than $10 in my bank account by Friday, I busted a gut to take them on holidays - to the beaches, to the mountains, to hotels, to campgrounds - again, trying to give them lots of experiences.

At home I tried to maintain routines to keep them feeling cosy and secure - bedtimes with stories (when they were little), pudding nights, Sunday morning pancakes, eating dinner together every evening, that sort of thing.

And here I am... my youngest is 15 and he is rude, so rude, addicted to vaping and weed, constantly in trouble at school, doing bare minimum school work, and frankly has very few redeeming features. When he doesn't get what he wants, he is quick to anger using violence. He has smashed up the home so many times.

I am not wanting advice or expecting solutions. So long as he is taking drugs he is going to be unreasonable, I understand this. But I just want to write this down. I find it difficult to imagine him emerging from this a. alive and b. functioning well. I have dug deep to try to accept him for who he is, to be patient, to get him to engage with support services, but sometimes I just look at him and think god what an absolute brat, I can only imagine how irritated they must be with him at school and in the wider world.

So yeah, this is parenting. Really over it. The End.

With respect, this is no guarantee that your DS won’t be rude, vaping, doing weed and smashing things in anger in 8yrs time.

Here to listen OP.

It sounds like you tried to do the best job possible and are understandably disappointed with the results at the moment. Ignore the posts that are just dumping their narrative on you. I don't agree that your conscientiousness equals spoiling. I have no advice but am happy to listen if you need to vent / rant.

Blimey! Where does it say @parentingdisappointment has never told her children no?

Some awful responses at the top and I'm glad they've got more compassionate as I scrolled down.

Sometimes it's just personality and who they mixed with at school. Probably dad related anger thrown in. Had it to a degree with one of mine OP - she had a bumpy couple of years but she's absolutely great now (in her 20s)

Wow there really are some nasty, judgemental posts on here.

OP- nothing you describe is "spoiling". It is working hard to provide opportunities and experiences for your children which should be applauded.

Unfortunately teenagers, despite our best efforts, can be arseholes. They are trying to figure out themselves, the world and naviagte all sorts of hormones. But hopefully, the morals and values you've tried to instill are in there somewhere and once your teenager gets past the being an arsehole stage, hopefully those values will steer him back on the right path.

Until then, I'm sending you virtual gin and strength x

It always amuses me when the parents of young children tell the parents of teenagers how to do it!

Exactly! It says a lot about the posters themselves.
OP I have no idea if you have spolied your son or not from your post. All I can tell is that you have tried your hardest to give your son a loving home with lots of enrichment.
He does sound angry and that is quite likely down to having an absent father.
Hopefully he will come out the other side. He is still young.

TBH someone at private school and addicted to weed and vaping sounds really off to me. I'm not saying it can't happen - just because it is a private school doesn't mean there aren't parents with too much money that don't care what their kids get up to, but if it is affecting the greater school then they should be coming down on it like a ton of bricks.

At that sort of age, kids are more influenced by those around them rather than their parents. Generally they don't go off and become weed addicted on their own. They do it because their mates are doing it.

So although I don't think just because a kid goes to private school that means parents get to delegate their responsibility for parenting, I do think that it sounds like their could be issues at the school that they are not properly addressing.

You speak in your post a lot about what is going on. But you don't say why you think your son is behaving like this and trying to understand the motivations for his behaviour, which to me is the only possible route to finding a way of stopping it.

I know! I was just thinking that. Honestly, unless you’ve been there with teen DC you have no idea what you are talking about.

I know. Cringe.

I've known so, so many absolutely lovely, happy, successful adults who turned into utter arseholes for a few years around that age. Including me, if we ignore the "lovely" and "successful" descriptors. TBH I think most arsehole teenagers probably do, eventually, become nice human beings again, since the percentage of adults who act like that is so much lower than the percentage of teens who do.

But I would also keep a background eye out for incipient mental health struggles. Drug use can be a response to early symptoms of mental illness, or can increase the risk of developing mental illness (aside from whether a person's drug use might be considered a mental health problem in itself, I mean), and 15 is around the age when many of the major mental illnesses like serious mood disorders, psychotic disorders, OCD and anxiety, or personality disorders may be likely to first start to either emerge, or become much more prominent. I mean, it's probably not that, and much more likely to be teenage arseholery (though the violence is worrying), but I'd keep it at the back of my mind.

Where do you live OP?

How often does his dad see him and does he support you with your son’s behaviour?

Most teens are shits but his behaviour is completely unacceptable.

Have you rang the police when he’s been smashing up the home?
If not you need to do this.

Warn him that if he carries on you’ll
ring his dad, then if it carries on ring him (if possible), then if that doesn’t work warn him that if he doesn’t stop you will ring the police and then if he doesn’t stop ring the non emergency police number.

He needs consequences for his actions and having to speak to a police officer can often be a very eye opening experience for him.

What are the school like, are they offering you any support?

I work in an SEND school and we will regularly have our local police officer come and talk to them about their behaviour if they’re violent and although the police officer is kind it usually scares the shit out of them.
Sometimes having just that male presence is enough to make them think about their actions.

Your son probably does have some issues considering that his dad is barely in his life and it sounds like you’ve just thrown money at him his whole life.
And so although you’ve done nothing wrong, sometimes they need to go through these phases to deal with their feelings.

So I would pick your battles and let the vaping and weed smoking slide.
But any aggressive or violent behaviour is an absolute no and there needs to be consequences.

Do you give him pocket money?

If he was ok before hitting the teenage years, then the likelihood is that he will grow out of this behaviour eventually.

Parenting teenagers can be a very hard ride, and I think many do worry their child won’t make it out in one piece.

Perhaps look up books about parenting teenagers to help keep your faith that he will turn out ok.

I would try and find out what is going on in his world and reconnect with him as much as possible. I do let some impoliteness slide with teens but pull them up on it when it is too much. Vaping and weed are not uncommon for a lad his age - it's not great but it doesn't mean he is throwing his life away.

Teens are still massively influenced by their parents whatever they might think. Model being a good person to him and he'll come out the other side.

Meanwhile, patience and kindness but with boundaries and a dose of This Too Will Pass.

Where is he getting the money for vapes and weed?

I dont agree that this is down to spoiling wither - nothing in your post suggests spoiling but even if you have spoilt them, so what? Most "spoilt" children grow up into loving and secure adults.

You have said it yourself, he is smoking weed, and will never be reasonable or pleasant while that is going on. Not will he be able to learn anything, or gain the qualifications he is capable of

That is where you have to focus your energy, preventing him smoking weed.

I don't think you've spoiled him, you've done your very best and what all parents strive to do. I think the issue is the absent male role model. My kids are younger but DS's friend has a dad who works offshore and he's been aggressive since he was a toddler. His behaviour always improves when his dad his home.

I think some of these pp are really harsh.

I too am a single mum OP, so I do get it.

You have offered your child a wide variety of experiences, perhaps in the hope a particular one your DC may find they could shine in.

But, 15 years old. Hang in there. 15 year old (boys especially) can be very difficult. The year of schooling in which my ds turned 15, us parents were called in and warned that this may well possibly be our most difficult year to date. There are hormones flying, tying to find their place, just so much happens in the year of being 15.

It is completely ok to vent, many many parents have been there. I bet many who have posted here, haven't even got there yet.

If there is a counsellor at school, if you haven't already been down that route, may be a good start. Also, imo friendship groups have a huge impact at this age. Are his friends the same, also smoking etc?

I can't tell you the answer in what to do, but I don't believe you have made your DC entitled by offering him varied experiences in life. I would go more with he is angry about his dad not being present.

I don't know you or your DC of course, but this was the definite factor with my ds in his teens.

He changed schools and made a new friendship group too. Narrowing down where he was having issues and not being peer pressured was the turn around for him. He's 24 now and very stable. I look back at that time and have a big sigh and just think, it's ok, we got through it.

You are definitely not alone OP.

He's being an obnoxious teenager!! They all do it at some point and it's still not too late to educate him.
Certainly don't give him money - if he wants money then he goes out to earn it and then how he spends it is his choice. Whatever you used to give him as pocket money or allowance will go towards replacing what he has damaged when smashing up the house - and let him know that this is what you are doing. Don't replace anything he breaks in his own room - if he smashes his bed up - he sleeps on the floor!!
Introduce some new rules - no drugs or vaping in the house. He wants to vape he goes outside by the back door!!
If he feels angry - go for a two mile jog. He needs to be told that the life choices he makes now will affect him in future.
As for non-supportive dad - tell him 15 year old is moving in with him if he does not step up and start parenting his son in a way that helps you. The teens are a horrible time but can be managed - it won't be easy but it must terrifying for you right now.

I don't blame you op it's really hard . Parenting is getting really difficult. There are so many outside influences and even if you do things right at home so much is out of our control. No advice just saying I hear you.

And here I am... my youngest is 15 and he is rude, so rude, addicted to vaping and weed, constantly in trouble at school, doing bare minimum school work, and frankly has very few redeeming features. When he doesn't get what he wants, he is quick to anger using violence. He has smashed up the home so many times.

That sound really hard.

My teens have had their moments and honestly been very grateful at those time to have DH to run things though with and as back up but certainly nothing like smashing rooms up.

Is the school offering him any support for any of this or any insight (any hint of SEN or mental health issues )? Does he have any long term plans - at 15 have you sat down and talked though his options - I have to admit we've been slower doing this with our youngest. Some teens are a pain in the arse - and do grow up to be nice people with good relationship with parents but I have to say the anger and violence to get own way do sound very concerning and not something I'd be happy living with for any length of time.

Because that was the first response, so everyone jumped in saying yeah yeah, that's it. Sigh.

@GasPanic IME drugs are just as much of a problem at private schools than at state schools.

OP, I really, really feel for you. You have tried so hard and you don't deserve this. I hope things improve soon with your DS.

I don’t think you can blame it in spoiling him. I spoil my kids. Top students, A teams, pleasant. Not perfect mind.

But, 15 years old. Hang in there. 15 year old (boys especially) can be very difficult. The year of schooling in which my ds turned 15, us parents were called in and warned that this may well possibly be our most difficult year to date. There are hormones flying, tying to find their place, just so much happens in the year of being 15.

This is interesting as last few month DS 15/16 was more difficult though in our case the school was defiantly a huge factor a trigger and the thing making everything worse - we've kept him on track by looking at future and lots of support and frankly having siblings around helped as well.