My 15yo is a rude, uneducated fool. Yes of course this is my responsibility but I still want to complain about it.

[parentingdisappointment]

I went into parenting with such great intentions. At every step, I sought advice and pushed myself to meet my children's needs and as many of their wants as I could. Their dad left when the younger one was born and although he continued to see them weekly, for two hours at a time, has been of very little support. No family help so mostly it has been just me.

Like so many parents, I have been conscientious about their welfare and education. I have tried to give them as many opportunities as possible - music lessons, sports clubs, art classes, theatre school - anything at all they expressed interest in so they could get a wide range of experiences from which to develop interests.

I researched education to great lengths and managed to fund private schooling for their secondary years.

Even though I have long struggled to provide, often down to less than $10 in my bank account by Friday, I busted a gut to take them on holidays - to the beaches, to the mountains, to hotels, to campgrounds - again, trying to give them lots of experiences.

At home I tried to maintain routines to keep them feeling cosy and secure - bedtimes with stories (when they were little), pudding nights, Sunday morning pancakes, eating dinner together every evening, that sort of thing.

And here I am... my youngest is 15 and he is rude, so rude, addicted to vaping and weed, constantly in trouble at school, doing bare minimum school work, and frankly has very few redeeming features. When he doesn't get what he wants, he is quick to anger using violence. He has smashed up the home so many times.

I am not wanting advice or expecting solutions. So long as he is taking drugs he is going to be unreasonable, I understand this. But I just want to write this down. I find it difficult to imagine him emerging from this a. alive and b. functioning well. I have dug deep to try to accept him for who he is, to be patient, to get him to engage with support services, but sometimes I just look at him and think god what an absolute brat, I can only imagine how irritated they must be with him at school and in the wider world.

So yeah, this is parenting. Really over it. The End.

I had to add a plus-one to this.

I know of a family - and I'm sure this isn't that uncommon a phenomenon - in which two of the three children were a delight. Calm, polite, well-mannered, and diligent in their career choices. The third went rogue. He had exactly the same upbringing as the other two but went so far off the rails his parents were in despair at knowing how to deal with him. The authorities were involved: the upshot is that nothing worked. He ended up being killed in a 'joyriding' incident when he was in his late teens or early twenties.

These issues are complicated. It's obviously not as straightforward as 'you reap what you sow, you're a bad parent so rah!' - as has 'helpfully' been contributed by earlier posters to this thread.

Addiction is horrific. My brother - sole surviving relative from my family of origin - is an alcoholic and I'm at the end of my rope in trying to help him. Of course it's all to no avail. I've spent thousands on rehab. I'm always there for him, but of late have had to step back as it's destroying me along with him, and there isn't a damned thing I can do about it. Are you in the UK, OP? I'm a member of a family support group run by the Forward Trust and this has been enormously beneficial for me.

Unfortunately, our father was abusive and I suspect this has been at the root of his problems. As of this year he now isn't capable of working. He's never had a real relationship. He's as thin as a rail and since leaving his job has developed DVT. He can't hold a driving licence. I am a professional academic in a stable marriage and have built a good life for myself and my child without drama or strife. We come from exactly the same household and had the same upbringing.

You've done your best by your children, OP. We all get it wrong sometimes; sometimes the consequences of parental mistakes can be more serious than others, but it's not necessarily a straightforward cause-and-effect issue. It's so lazy to blame the parents for exactly how their children turn out. It doesn't always work like that.

I don't know what else to say except I'm sorry

I overcompensated and my DS is not like this.

give her a break.

I know families with multiple kids. Same upbringing but not identical personalities. Some go off the rails.

so he’s around drugs and therefore around other users. This is a problem. Are you able to access counselling for you both?

OP you did everything you could for him to provide a good childhood but it is up to him now to help himself a bit. If you can afford it, find a good therapist for him so that he can work through these issues, he sounds like he needs some help. Parenting teenagers is utterly shit sometimes, you have my sympathy.

I remember when a family member went off the rails, taking drugs, stealing, running away from home etc, she came from a single parent household, they didn’t have a lot of money but she was so loved and well provided for. It took a few years but she came out of the other side, repaired her relationship with her family and now she is a well rounded adult. Unfortunately she just got mixed up with the wrong people and bounced from one to another, before she met them she was as lovely as she is now. Is there an influence driving his behaviour?
I hope in time he will mature and realise how awful his current behaviour is and that you’ll both be able to move on from it.

My DD went completely off the rails at that age. She's fine now. AND I wasn't a single parent. Parenting is not an exact science at all.

Can you do something nice for yourself for a change? I am not saying to stop trying with your son. But you can't pour from an empty cup.

It can get better, ive had similar experience but not the private schooling.

I have a decent relationship with my dc now - 15 year on. They still cover things up, still dabble in weed sometimes but on the whole have a decent job, marriage and children.

Interestingly the other younger child is ok, has been ok all the way through and treated the same.

Remember all children are different and 90% of who they are is from the peers they mix with at this age.

OP, when I read your initial post I felt sorry for you. It sounds like you’ve tried your absolute hardest to be THE BEST parent in the world. You have given everything to your children and now feel the ingratitude from your youngest so fiercely. I also felt exhausted reading about everything you have done. What about you in all of this time??? No wonder you are done with parenting.

I think when school goes back you need to speak to the school and find out what ‘early help’ you can get for your DS. In the meantime, I’d be reducing your DS’s access to money, Wi-Fi, privileges etc. I think some hard parenting is needed now.

Literally how is eating dinner together every night, doing pudding nights and taking them on holidays spoiling them? If OP hadn't done that, she would be vilified for not creating a happy home life.

I think some people see ‘private education’ and they get jealous and nasty.

My DS is in private education and not like this. That;s not because I am such a fabulous parent, mind. Just pure luck. As I said, DD gave us a hard time.

Btw, drugs are present in all schools in all countries across the world. My family scattered over the world have similar problems.

I agree with this. It is too simple to blame you. It can often happen anyway.
I am on a parenting mental health group on Facebook. You could join you will het better advice on there from people who have been through it.

Unfortunately a lot in mumsnet won't understand as they have softer personalities teens who are compliant. Sadly mine isn't . People think it's down to parenting but as you will see from this group it is so much more nuanced than that.

I've a newborn that I've already said no to 17 times, so there's no way I'm going to have any problems.

Joking.

I am heartened to read so many parents saying that their kid got through these tough times. Not quite in OP situation, but I shake my head in wonder quite often at what my 16 year old considers to be acceptable behaviour. And he was total joy til around 14.

Keep curious and watchful, look where you can make changes to the bad behaviour while rewarding any good behaviour. Hopefully in a few years we'll both be looking back at these times from a better place.

I don’t think people can say you have spoiled him. I think it’ll be a complex combination of factors mostly not related to your parenting style. That said I think it’s reasonable to let him know that his unpleasantness and lack of maturity is wearing you down and you are sick of it. 15 is old enough for some self awareness.

Nothing helpful to add only wanted to say that from the OPs post it doesn’t sound like she has ‘spoiled’ her son in any way that most parents wouldn’t.

Don’t we all aim to provide the best education we can? Nurture their interests with extra curricular activities? Broaden their horizons and view of the world through travel, and foster strong family relationships by spending quality time on holidays and through lovely, quality home time?

If this post was about a child that had got good GCSEs, for example, the OP would be praised for being a lovely mother. And if she has truly ‘spoiled’ him then there are a hell of a lot of us on the same path.

All the best OP, hope it all works out for you and your son.

No, I don't think this is spoiling. But I don't think it's quite normal either.

Rereading your OP and considering things from your DS's point of view, what I'm getting is anger and despair/escapism.

I would be thinking in terms of, and trying to rule in/out:

• mental health problems
• previously undiagnosed neurodivergence
• some kind of incident in the peer group (or at school otherwise) e.g. bullying or a sexual assault

Is the school any good? Can you work with them to try and get to the bottom of what may be happening? Is there any money left for counselling?

Where is your older child/children in this? Would your DS talk to them?

I don't think I would just leave this to play out. I get that a switch flips in teenage boys and then usually flips back again in due course (I have two who have come out the other other side and one still in the thick of it) but imo this is something over and above.

PP suggesting Andrew Tate as a role model! What!

Op, I think it is the absence of his father. That weighs heavily on a child. You’ve done well as his mother, I can find no fault there. Is there a stellar male role model you could connect him with?

Is there any way you could explain dire situation to his father and maybe he would step up?

This is classic behavior from a child with self esteem issues, not feeling worthy enough to treat himself well because his father seems to not think his son worthy enough to bother being in his life.

I know you’ve tried talking to him about all this…what helped me as a child of abusive father and complicit family members, was knowing I had a Heavenly Father and a Heavenly Mother and that I wasn’t worthless, invisible, or powerless. If you’re not religious, seeking out a good male role model like maybe an uncle or friend (that is absolutely trustworthy) who can be a substitute father and mentor is crucial. There are men who are able to get past no male role model but it is very difficult.

As a pp said, don’t rule out a possible sexual and/or bullying incident(s) that have led to all this. On top of low self esteem due to his father acting all his life as if his son was not worthy of his attention, abuse on top of that from someone else would tip him into these things he’s doing now.

My dd is a smallish private school. Not all private schools are full of drugs.

Gosh OP, some people have been really unkind here. I expect many of those passing harsh judgment are parents of younger children. It’s easy to judge before your own kids ‘wolf out’ in the teen years. The reality is that kids/teens are their own people and can be idiots/difficult just like adults can. Sometimes they just are awful to be around because they are finding their identities and processing all of their big new emotions though the filter of raging hormones.

Hang in there. I think most—if not all—of us look back to when we were 15 and cringe, so it’s unlikely he will stay this way forever. Stay the course, be consistent with both love and discipline, and keep enforcing your rules. I bet he will pull out of it by the time he graduates.

Also, who he hangs around with is who he will be influenced by, hence the pot and the vaping.

Yeh my dd is so stubborn it’s unreal and will do it to her detriment. It’s really really pissing me off.

Because it is easier to do that and blame the op than to admit there is a large element of luck in how your kid turns out and it's not just about how well they are parented. The fear of what can't be controlled!

Is there an alternative private school op? As I just said my DD’s one doesn’t have drugs to my knowledge. The school is really strict and no nonsense on that front. The private school a few miles down the road dd says a lot of the kids smoke weed. The latter is a rural school btw whilst dd’s is in a market town. Dd is going into year 11. I know it’s not ideal to change schools as it sounds as if your ds is also this age.

Solidarity OP. When I had similar, a friend shared this quote and it comforted me to think that it’s been experienced many times in the past and will continue to be experienced as long as there are parents and children.

How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child! King Lear - Act 1, Scene 4