My 15yo is a rude, uneducated fool. Yes of course this is my responsibility but I still want to complain about it.

[parentingdisappointment]

I went into parenting with such great intentions. At every step, I sought advice and pushed myself to meet my children's needs and as many of their wants as I could. Their dad left when the younger one was born and although he continued to see them weekly, for two hours at a time, has been of very little support. No family help so mostly it has been just me.

Like so many parents, I have been conscientious about their welfare and education. I have tried to give them as many opportunities as possible - music lessons, sports clubs, art classes, theatre school - anything at all they expressed interest in so they could get a wide range of experiences from which to develop interests.

I researched education to great lengths and managed to fund private schooling for their secondary years.

Even though I have long struggled to provide, often down to less than $10 in my bank account by Friday, I busted a gut to take them on holidays - to the beaches, to the mountains, to hotels, to campgrounds - again, trying to give them lots of experiences.

At home I tried to maintain routines to keep them feeling cosy and secure - bedtimes with stories (when they were little), pudding nights, Sunday morning pancakes, eating dinner together every evening, that sort of thing.

And here I am... my youngest is 15 and he is rude, so rude, addicted to vaping and weed, constantly in trouble at school, doing bare minimum school work, and frankly has very few redeeming features. When he doesn't get what he wants, he is quick to anger using violence. He has smashed up the home so many times.

I am not wanting advice or expecting solutions. So long as he is taking drugs he is going to be unreasonable, I understand this. But I just want to write this down. I find it difficult to imagine him emerging from this a. alive and b. functioning well. I have dug deep to try to accept him for who he is, to be patient, to get him to engage with support services, but sometimes I just look at him and think god what an absolute brat, I can only imagine how irritated they must be with him at school and in the wider world.

So yeah, this is parenting. Really over it. The End.

Hardly, more likely did the best they could.

Hardly, more likely the op tries her best.
@parentingdisappointment sometimes you can follow the manual so to speak and it still goes pickles.

He does boxing……

You’ve written a completely normal description of how most people parent - giving their kids structure, opportunities, the best education they can, holidays . Really odd to say you’ve ‘spoilt’ him.

Has he had a Neuro developmental assessment? The drug taking and lack of control, given his upbringing had a lot of structure, may be a sign something is amiss. Can his dad be more involved?

@Mydietstartstomorrow Thank you for your spirited defence in the face of the laughable posts by the one married to the drug worker. It's so great that being married to "a drug worker" turns out to be the key to life.

@Darhon yes, he is neurodiverse and certainly this raises his vulnerability and makes treatment challenging.

Since I started this thread, he has had a mental breakdown and is now on suicide watch. Again, he is receiving very good care but there is little change in his condition.

Oh, OP, I am so sorry to read your update. Being a parent is hard and a million miles away from what we thought it would be when we held that tiny baby in our arms.

I am so sorry to read this. I hope you can get support, and not judgement. Being a parent has been much harder than I expected too.

Sorry to read your update OP.

That must be so tough. You sound like an amazing mum and very tuned in to what your son needs. And whoever suggested throwing him out is nuts. Ah yes, I remember when I was in the depths of despair and addiction. My mum threw me out and that was the start of my recovery! Ha! Not a chance.

My teen is neurodiverse too. She is both vulnerable and volatile, so I get it. Hang in there. Hopefully you are both getting the support you need.

I am really sorry to read your update. I don’t have words of wisdom but to say that I imagine your ds is in a bad place in his head to abuse you and himself in this way.

I hope you can access support for you both now. Big hugs.

OP I just want to send you some hugs.. what a lot of tosh so many people have said on this thread. So many mums of non neurodiverse kids who think if only you patented like them it would all be ok...

Well, let them walk in your shoes for 30
mins!

You sound a fab mum who has consciously parented which is all we can do in this world that likes to judge those that are different...

I have 2 kids who are neurodiverse... my son is 17 and the last 6 months have been much better than the precious couple of years. 15/16 was horrible for all of us. He was angry, depressed, didn't pass many GCSEs and has been arrested. Not what I expected for my bright quirky little boy who was always on the top table at primary...

He has struggled to find his place on this world but we are getting there.. he's at college next term starting a new course ( last year was a right off but tbh it was about getting used to the massive change leaving g school)

He has friends and although he vapes and smokes some weed, he doesn't drink himself into oblivion like the 'good boys' we know from his old school.

He's worked with his dad this summer, and also a friends dad and has realised that taking his adhd meds actually make life easier ( I couldn't have told him that years ago!)

He even has a girlfriend at the moment.. home is calmer than it has been and we do manage to communicate without arguing most days.

I am sure we are going to have many many other difficult times, but it's calmer for now...

Keep being there; keep letting him know you love him and keep fighting for him!

Ignore the neat hair brigade ( our phrase for those that don't have a clue!) and keep being you

I haven't read the whole thread. The first few replies about being spoilt were just unbelievable. I'm glad more sense has followed.

When I read your initial post I wondered if he might be neurodiverse. My DD15 ASD/ADHD has also changed very much as a teen and, without going into too much detail, it's not a good change at all. Lije your don, she also has had lots of love, support and opportunities - none of which she currently seems to appreciate at all.

I'm sorry to hear about your son's breakdown. Hopefully though this will be the trigger for him and you being given some additional and appropriate support. I hope you manage to get through this and, fingers crossed, our teens make it through these difficult years and come back safely to us soon.

Hallo OP, I really feel for you. I had a brother like your son. It was tough to watch my parents go through it

My honest feeling here is that I would have him removed from my home. I know he’s only 15 but I just could not live like that.

And where would he go? He's 15 and unfortunately you can't just phone up Social Services and ask for your child to be taken away. It simply doesn't work like that.

Exactly this. Teens are their own people, they have long stopped doing exactly what their parents tell them!

And it's not a wrong path - 15 year olds are very young and can improve!

Not in such simple terms, no. But ofc 15 yr olds are removed from their home, it’s a sad fact that it happens.

Parenting is very hard work and no one gives you a manual. Doing it by yourself must be extremely hard. Many children (including one of my own) are very troubled during their teens but somehow sort themselves out with support. Don’t blame yourself, happens and even more frequently these days it seems.