My 15yo is a rude, uneducated fool. Yes of course this is my responsibility but I still want to complain about it.

[parentingdisappointment]

I went into parenting with such great intentions. At every step, I sought advice and pushed myself to meet my children's needs and as many of their wants as I could. Their dad left when the younger one was born and although he continued to see them weekly, for two hours at a time, has been of very little support. No family help so mostly it has been just me.

Like so many parents, I have been conscientious about their welfare and education. I have tried to give them as many opportunities as possible - music lessons, sports clubs, art classes, theatre school - anything at all they expressed interest in so they could get a wide range of experiences from which to develop interests.

I researched education to great lengths and managed to fund private schooling for their secondary years.

Even though I have long struggled to provide, often down to less than $10 in my bank account by Friday, I busted a gut to take them on holidays - to the beaches, to the mountains, to hotels, to campgrounds - again, trying to give them lots of experiences.

At home I tried to maintain routines to keep them feeling cosy and secure - bedtimes with stories (when they were little), pudding nights, Sunday morning pancakes, eating dinner together every evening, that sort of thing.

And here I am... my youngest is 15 and he is rude, so rude, addicted to vaping and weed, constantly in trouble at school, doing bare minimum school work, and frankly has very few redeeming features. When he doesn't get what he wants, he is quick to anger using violence. He has smashed up the home so many times.

I am not wanting advice or expecting solutions. So long as he is taking drugs he is going to be unreasonable, I understand this. But I just want to write this down. I find it difficult to imagine him emerging from this a. alive and b. functioning well. I have dug deep to try to accept him for who he is, to be patient, to get him to engage with support services, but sometimes I just look at him and think god what an absolute brat, I can only imagine how irritated they must be with him at school and in the wider world.

So yeah, this is parenting. Really over it. The End.

I really like your attitude. You are so right - It could be any of us. Also, it's not just a case of having an absent Father. My son had no male role in his life and has just graduated from University with a degree in Genetics. I've raised him with the utmost respect from very early on and never treated him as a lesser person just because he was a child. Excellent parents can product nightmare children and vise-versa.

Well done OP, as a fellow single mother I think you have done as best a job as you can and far better than a lot of two parent families. I wish you lots of luck and that your son will turn a corner with all the love and support you obviously have for him. 💐

It's only you who knows your child. I spoke to my partner about this thread he was a drug worker his first response was you didn't do everything there were gaps. He's very matter of fact he will have you thinking.

No one knows how to parent look at Prince Andrew and they have money and nanny's. What happened to Trump or Boris the gaps with them. Slimy Matt Hancock the cheat. As humans we all have gaps in who and how we behave.

Watch Nil by Mouth it's a film about addiction with in a family. There is violence it will wake you up because you don't want to end up like the mother in that film.

You say you did everything for him what did he want?

What a stupid and unhelpful post

Which part of my post was stupid and unhelpful I am a parent myself you tell me. I have 4 children that I have privately educated and there are gaps with my children. The one thing I will not do is enable bad behaviour or tell lies to anyone. The one thing as parents we are guilty of is putting pressure on ourselves to be perfect parents no such thing. I had a hard time with my daughter you know what I didn't do is listen to her that's all she wanted was ATTENTION listen to me. We think we are listening until they start to play up. That's what my post was about.

Firstly your partner is a drugs worker not a child psychologist and is not qualified to assess your child or your parenting. “Oh your kids doing drugs that means you didn’t do “x” or “y” for them. Bullshit
secondly. What actual relevance is Prince Andrew/Trump/Boris to this post. Absolutely pointless.
and thirdly, the op has enough worries and concerns about her child, she’s already stated she knows which way this could go so why recommend a film which will add further to her anxiety. Unhelpful

You forgot to include the names of Biden and his wife Dr. Frankenjill and the gaps in their parenting that led to Hunter Biden’s drugged up slimy behavior he documented himself, and the back room million dollar deals he made with his father’s name, documented by journalists and whistleblowers.

Doesn’t mean the poor behaviour is always down to what the parent has done or not done though.

1. He is addicted to weed and deals to fund that addiction he needs rehab if it's that bad. A child psychologist is not qualified in drug addiction.
2. All children need is love and boundaries. Trump and co when you look at them money got them through they went to private schools and holidays they got what ever they wanted but they are all dysfunctional.
3. The film is about addiction it will help the op to understand.

It's what we do after no one's perfect.

It can be so difficult and teenage boys and being a single mother it’s really a battle at times

please remember your son is as much your son as he is his fathers but only one of you have taken responsibility you have always been there and he knows will always been there. So what sometimes you overcompensate well so do I as it hurts to see my son misses out. I haven’t always done my best but I am the one who is always worrying always picking up the pieces and like you in that chaos my ideas of what I should be doing goes out of the window

I know plenty of children acting out like your ds and parents are together they have put in all those boundaries, been as others on here have said you should be 🙄but many of those parents refuse to be honest about how things are not quite as they thought they would be

it’s not great at the moment but it can change and so often does the first thing though is you take a bit more care of yourself and not be so hard on yourself

1. addiction is usually formed by underlying issues which a child psychologist is best trained to understand not someone that’s done a 2 day course on recreational drug use
2. so you’re saying the op hasn’t provided love and boundaries ?
3. by the sounds of it the op understands addiction well and doesn’t need to watch a film full of violence and abuse to understand which way drug addiction goes. Just because it has drug addiction in it doesn’t mean it relates to the op or her sons life

He needs to get off the drugs first and then therapy can start. My partner studied a mental health course at degree level at St George's and he worked with children with challenging behaviour. The op says he has lots of friends he's popular and yet he smokes drugs and gets angry at his mother. His friends are making him worse it's peer pressure. If it was me I would sort out the drug problem and then send him to boarding school away from his so called friends who are trouble so he can finish his education.

I sent my daughter to a state boarding school I had to pay for boarding not education. The house parent said to me it takes a community to bring up a child not parent or parents a community to teach them. The op is a single mother with no help from the father a boarding school will help to teach him how to be a man. You can have as many psychologists, therapists, parenting coaches around you are any of them teaching him how to be a man.

Send him to boarding school?! Yes, cos most single mums can afford that! 😂
and I know of a few people that were completely messed up by the boarding school mentality and caused issues with drug and alcohol

I’m not sure if the poster is still reading but I just thought adding my experience may help.
I grew up with a mother who had mental health problems, she had no idea how to be a mother and told me she only had me because my father wanted me, she was emotionally absent and slapped us across the face as a form of discipline, when I was a child she upped and left me and my sister, leaving my father to raise us alone. I just want to say never under-estimate the consequences of parent abandonment, this has likely played a role in your DS actions and behaviour, have you spoken to him about his absent father? His thoughts and feelings? I had to unpick a lot in my late teens/adult years, my sister rebelled, she smoked weed, stole, swore at my father, threw things at him, damaged her room but putting all this aside, she was an angry, confused teenager which I have no doubt was caused by my mother upping and leaving us at a young age. The positive is, she is now a well-rounded law abiding person, she is kind, empathetic and is a wonderful Mum. I don’t know what or how my Dad survived these years alone but he said, he felt he was riding a storm. Keep talking here, if it makes you feel better! I’m sorry things are tough for you at the moment. X

I should also mention that you sound like a loving and supportive Mum, you should be proud of yourself.

This thread isn't about you the op already pays for private education for her children. My daughter went for a year it did her a lot of good and the ops son is 15 so a year or two will help with independence skills and the house tutors will help prepare him for exams. He needs to get away. If your advice is to keep him where he is then you know better than me then.

Where did I say it was about me?! All I said was I knew people that were messed up by boarding school, nothing about my circumstances! It’s not always the answer. A therapist/psychologist (if he would go) can help him look at the reasons why he is so angry/using drugs.
My son started using weed following a very bad period of bullying (which resulted in a court case) and admitted to me and his GP that it helps to “shut off” and calm himself from the anger he has following that experience. Nothing to do with “gaps in my parenting”, although I expect there are gaps as no one has all the answers. Oh, except you 🙄

Did your son transfer to another school or did you ever consider homeschooling. My other daughter was bullied at school she spent a whole year getting bullied and she didn't tell me until the last few months of school. Two weeks before the end of the summer holidays a girl threatened to smash her phone I took her out of the school and homeschooled until she got a place somewhere else. My kids health come first and if it ain't working change it the bullying was affecting her. I do remind my children that if they don't sort themselves out and work hard I won't always be around to save them I will die one day. At some point every parent with their teenagers has a moment of I've had enough of this I am going to give it to you and make sure you know that if you don't fix up there is a room ready for you outside of this house.

I don't have all the answers but what I try to do is make it better because I won't be alive forever. I will support my children in positive ways to progress and succeed in what ever they choose to do.

No I couldn’t homeschool I work full time. The bullying progressed from school to outside school so it didn’t really matter if I moved him or not. The boys were moved/expelled and it carried on.
I would assume most parents, including the op, support their children in positive ways…..

What about boxing or martial arts class he'll learn how to spa that might help him and his confidence. He will know how to defend himself. He will also make new friends.

I wish you luck and he will get there some kids take longer than others.

You are only 50% op. You have done what you can but no amount of camping trips will change the fact that his dad rejected him. He needs therapy to come to terms with this.

No words really, just solidarity. The teenage years are tough.