My 15yo is a rude, uneducated fool. Yes of course this is my responsibility but I still want to complain about it.

[parentingdisappointment]

I went into parenting with such great intentions. At every step, I sought advice and pushed myself to meet my children's needs and as many of their wants as I could. Their dad left when the younger one was born and although he continued to see them weekly, for two hours at a time, has been of very little support. No family help so mostly it has been just me.

Like so many parents, I have been conscientious about their welfare and education. I have tried to give them as many opportunities as possible - music lessons, sports clubs, art classes, theatre school - anything at all they expressed interest in so they could get a wide range of experiences from which to develop interests.

I researched education to great lengths and managed to fund private schooling for their secondary years.

Even though I have long struggled to provide, often down to less than $10 in my bank account by Friday, I busted a gut to take them on holidays - to the beaches, to the mountains, to hotels, to campgrounds - again, trying to give them lots of experiences.

At home I tried to maintain routines to keep them feeling cosy and secure - bedtimes with stories (when they were little), pudding nights, Sunday morning pancakes, eating dinner together every evening, that sort of thing.

And here I am... my youngest is 15 and he is rude, so rude, addicted to vaping and weed, constantly in trouble at school, doing bare minimum school work, and frankly has very few redeeming features. When he doesn't get what he wants, he is quick to anger using violence. He has smashed up the home so many times.

I am not wanting advice or expecting solutions. So long as he is taking drugs he is going to be unreasonable, I understand this. But I just want to write this down. I find it difficult to imagine him emerging from this a. alive and b. functioning well. I have dug deep to try to accept him for who he is, to be patient, to get him to engage with support services, but sometimes I just look at him and think god what an absolute brat, I can only imagine how irritated they must be with him at school and in the wider world.

So yeah, this is parenting. Really over it. The End.

You spoiled them. Stop meeting their ‘needs’ and start meeting your own.

Sorry OP this is what happens when you overcompensate. I'm not bashing you as you've done your absolute best, but I believe the more you put your dc above you like this then the more rude, entitled and expecting they become. God help the gentle parents of the younger children growing up atm.

Start putting your own wants and needs first.

It‘a tough being a parent, even more so parenting teenagers. When people said to me ‘it’s so much easier when they’re little!’ I didn’t believe them.

I too have a 15 year old and it is grim at the moment.

Absent father.

Children need to be 'disappointed in increments' in order to grow up and leave home. We need to help them learn to stand on their own two feet, and that means not giving them everything they want when they want it; and it certainly means not overcompensating for our own perceived lacks and shortcomings.

Children need boundaries - and one of the first ways they learn this is with a) "No" and b) following that up with action, whether it is in response to running towards a busy road when they're toddlers, or to doing whatever they want when they're older.

You have spoilt your 15 year old; and what he wants and needs, whether he knows this or not, are a lot more "No"s. It'll be hellishly painful to do this, but it's the only way out of this mess you're both in.

Totally agree with what others have said. You spoilt him and this is the result.

So what do you do if you say No… and they don’t listen?
so you confiscate something and they don’t listen?
so you ground them and they still go out?

where does it end? Kicking them out?

I don’t agree that you’ve spoilt him OP as that results in entitled behaviour ime, not the sort of self-destructive & angry behaviour he is doing. I think perhaps the lack of a decent male role model is part of the problem and perhaps he has had some trauma like bullying at school that is also troubling him.

It's an easy mistake to make op, especially when you're on your own, it's normal to 'make up' for an absent father/divorce.
The great thing is you've recognised it when he's still just 15. So, time to sort it now. Needs to hear no.

I think people are being harsh. Offering extra curricular activities and holidays etc. isn’t ‘spoiling’ per se; it’s in the manner this is offered and received.

I can think of many families with multiple children who are all brought up the same yet one is rude/entitled/goes off the rails when the others don’t. It’s not all parents fault.

OP I’d invest in counselling for him and you, and nothing else.

Good luck, could be any of us.

Wow… those posts are… a thing in themselves.

Has anyone got one once if compassion left in themselves?

The OP wrote a post basically asking fur people to listen to her. She specifically said she isn’t after explanation or advice.
Instead she got judgemental shit about how crap she has been as a parent.

Im nit sure how you can look at yourself in a mirror tbh.

@lking12 in what way?

DS is 7, he asks for things at the shops and is told no, what happens when he doesn't listen? Well he is still told no, and then we go home.

And there is an absolute reason he is told no at 7 for many many things, in the most part so he learns to hear it ready for when he's older. I wholly expect it to be harder then, but he will be familiar with the concept of it.

A little glimmer of hope.

I was a wanker at 15. I grew into a good adult applying all the home training provided to me. Hopefully your child will do the same.

Where does he get money from?

sit down - contract your need to do this in order to stay

Op I don't think you have spoiled him. I think sometimes we can only put in so much, teenagers and young people still have agency and their own personality. I really wish parents would stop getting the blame all of the time. Sometimes we have done our best and our children still choose the wrong path.

I think you've done a great job.

The weird thing is sometimes you can do everything right and someone can still go down a bad path.

You hit the nail on the head that drugs will be a big part of the problem here. Drugs + puberty.

It can be hard to get through to kids on drugs because drugs are EVERYWHERE at the moment and seen as no big deal.

Why are some of you assuming he hasn't heard no? How silly. Of course he has. Stop making things up to suit your own narrative. Maybe you could listen instead of judge?

This, this, this. How on earth anyone can tell with such certainty that OP has spoilt her child from this post is beyond me. The things she mentioned are lovely parts of normal family life! And smashing the house up isn't usually simply down to being a bit spoilt. You have my sympathy, OP. Are you accessing any services to support you, yourself?

How did everyone jump to 'Spoiled'?

@parentingdisappointment its shit.

Its shit when you’ve tried your best and things just don’t work out how you’d hope they would have.
Its heartbreaking to see one if your children, someone you love, destroying themselves like this.
And it’s easy to despair when you can’t see anything you can do anymore to make things better because all the things you’ve tried didn’t work.

A lot of kids become a pain in the arse when they reach the teens;however I think you have gone too far in providing things for them. You have tried to compensate for the lack of a father/father figure, now he thinks if he creates a fuss/nuisance etc he will get what he wants. The trouble is he doesn't know how to get it for himself.
And,yes, I do feel for you, hindsight is a wonderful thing , as mum used to say.

I think it's just the age and he will hopefully come good on the other side. Good luck

I'd like to add, for some perspective and possibly even some hope, that sometimes the fruits of your parenting efforts aren't seen for a long time. So, you've provided your children with a secure and loving home environment (not perfect, probably, but no life is perfect).

Your son has gone off the rails in his teenage years. Not actually that uncommon. What often sets apart the ones who go off the rails permanently and the ones that manage to turn things around, is what their early years were like. Whether they had even just one consistent, loving presence in their lives. And your son has, and has had, you. Hold onto that and don't give up all hope yet, OP.

Because unfortunately on this website, if you don’t word things the right way, people are very quick at judging and putting people down, Wo a second thought about the impact it can have on the person on the other side.

Similar teen drama (although no house being smashed up) and scratching our heads about how we ended up here.

DC's have lived a wonderful childhood of kindness, happiness, experience, access to education; yet here we are.

No solutions, just solidarity. It's shit. Can only hope once their maturity has developed they move on from this stage and maybe offer an explanation from their perspective.