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Original poster

Inviting my brothers ex wife not his new girlfriend...

241 replies

year12clueless · 02/08/2023 00:39

My brother and his wife of 23 years recently divorced. They have older teen children at uni. As far as divorces go it was amicable- there's always some hurt feelings but they've been very adult about it and are co-parenting amazingly.

Brother has a new much younger girlfriend (she's 31, he's 49) who seems lovely, who his sons like and who is trying really hard to integrate into the family. No overlap in the relationships.

My DD is 18 in a few weeks. I'm having a family party for grandparents, cousins, uncles and aunts. I would like to invite my ex sister in law. We're still very friendly- our children were born at the same time and we've parented them together, holidayed together and supported each other for the last 20 years. She's been a big part of DDs life as well. All our family and my husbands family know and like her as well.

My brother has said that it's entirely up to me and DD who we invite and he'll come regardless but that his new partner won't come if his ex is coming as she feels it could be awkward. He's said that it'll be hard on her seeing how well his old wife fits in with the family. She absolutely understands the situation and no pressure is being placed but I feel bad for her- she's lovely and her and my brother are very happy and it looks like she will be one day be officially part of the family.

-We want ex SIL to attend for good reasons
-Don't want to upset nice new girlfriend
-Brother feels awkward
-My parents are worrying that new girlfriend will think we don't like her. -And also that ex SIL will think we don't still love her.

  • Should we insist on both?

Honestly what would people do?

OP posts:
Original poster
year12clueless · 02/08/2023 00:43

In context he's been with new girlfriend for 2 years (met her after her moved out and he and his wife officially separated) and she's just about to move in with him.

OP posts:
Scissor · 02/08/2023 00:44

Who does your daughter know? It's her birthday.

Tulpenkavalier · 02/08/2023 00:46

Indeed.

HirplesWithHaggis · 02/08/2023 00:46

Invite both ex and new gf, accept new gf's declining the invite with good grace.

Moveoverdarlin · 02/08/2023 00:46

That’s a really tricky one. Makes it harder when all parties are nice.

toomuchlaundry · 02/08/2023 00:47

Could they come at different times?

Twoleftlegs · 02/08/2023 00:51

I’d invite them both and see if new girlfriend can be an actual grown up

It is all a bit awkward, but dating a bloke twenty years older with a whole history isn’t for the faint hearted. I’m her age, and at 29 this is exactly why i didn’t entertain older men with ex wives and big kids!

Ex SIL is your DC’s aunt. She will be part of your life as long as long as these generations of the family will socialise together, one day there will be drift - but that isn’t yet.

New GF absolutely shouldn’t expect to have ex wife round her flat for cups of tea or have to see her regularly regularly, but I think she needs to get a bit of a grip if she can’t attend a teen’s 18th birthday for fear of the ex and feeling awkward.

Mumof4plusbonus · 02/08/2023 00:53

I was all for saying you were unreasonable until I read it all. You are inviting the ex as your friend rather than his ex, and you aren’t excluding the new gf so I think it’s fair enough. Invite both and let them choose to come or not.

RegimentalSturgeon · 02/08/2023 00:54

Ask ex-SIL if she minds the new and lovely (I dislike her already!) GF being there for all or part of proceedings. If she doesn’t, it’s up to N&LGF what she does and gives her a choice between parading her delicate sensibilities or joining in with tactful good grace. No loss to your daughter either way.

Twoleftlegs · 02/08/2023 00:55

when his kids get married, that will be a family event and ex will be there, chatting to her old in laws.

or will she not come to her stepkids wedding? Too awkward?

might be best to warm up with an 18th birthday party of a cousin…

VinEtFromage · 02/08/2023 01:00

Your Ex SIL is your daughter Aunty. How would she feel about the GF being there?

How would BIL feel about them both being there?

if they're ok with it, but GF decides not to come, that's up to her 💁🏻‍♀️

if your parents are worrying about her not feeling welcome, they can host something at theirs and invite her.

Gothambutnotahamster · 02/08/2023 01:00

Invite everyone- then it's up to the individuals whether they accept or not!

Housefullofcatsandkids · 02/08/2023 01:02

Invite them both, if the gf chooses not to attend then that's her decision. It does seem a bit strange though, surely she will attend big family events for her step children in the future and the ex wife will be there?

sentinent · 02/08/2023 01:04

The mother has to be at her daughter's 18th surely?

QueefQueen80s · 02/08/2023 01:05

Disgusting age gap. Such a cliche, couldn't he find a woman his own age

Ponderingwindow · 02/08/2023 01:06

Invite everyone

accept girlfriends decline
But if she expresses some doubt about attending, make it clear that all parties are welcome.

if the girlfriend really is going to be around for the long-haul, she is going to have to get used to being at family events with the ex-wife. Even if you weren’t including her in extended family events, she would still be at events for the shared children. This is a very low stakes way to test it out. Much less pressure than some other scenarios. Maybe mention that to your brother.

sweatynoob · 02/08/2023 01:07

The age isn’t relevant. I think ultimately new GF has to get used to attending events with ex wife there as they’ll likely both be invited to their children’s weddings etc

Avatartar · 02/08/2023 01:10

I think DD decides as it’s her bday. If she’s not bothered invite both

HeddaGarbled · 02/08/2023 01:12

18 year old has a party for her own age group, including cousins. Invite family over or visit separately.

Pallisers · 02/08/2023 01:13

I'd invite both.

If/when the girlfriend declines I'd write her a nice text saying no problem but how about the four of you get together soon or how about she comes over for a family bbq soon.

Basically you want to say you aren't erasing SIL from your lives but you are welcoming her too.

If she can't deal with that, that's on her.

Quitelikeacatslife · 02/08/2023 01:14

My parents split up when I was 16 and my mum was still welcomed at family events as was my aunty (by marriage separated) new wives eventually came as well . It's very important for kids I think that aunties and uncles don't just disappear out of the family . I was hugely worried as a teen of losing touch and your kids and cousins may feel the same. It would be nice if eventually new SIL could come too, that would be up to her.

Remaker · 02/08/2023 01:22

Invite both, it’s up to them if they come. If GF doesn’t attend then she’s either being a bit silly/immature or at worst it could be seen as a power move to try to get the ex pushed out of family gatherings in favour of her. This has happened to many people I know when siblings have repartnered, especially with younger women.

WandaWonder · 02/08/2023 01:25

Your OP is written like this is your own party, what does the 18yo want?

pizzaHeart · 02/08/2023 01:26

Twoleftlegs · 02/08/2023 00:51

I’d invite them both and see if new girlfriend can be an actual grown up

It is all a bit awkward, but dating a bloke twenty years older with a whole history isn’t for the faint hearted. I’m her age, and at 29 this is exactly why i didn’t entertain older men with ex wives and big kids!

Ex SIL is your DC’s aunt. She will be part of your life as long as long as these generations of the family will socialise together, one day there will be drift - but that isn’t yet.

New GF absolutely shouldn’t expect to have ex wife round her flat for cups of tea or have to see her regularly regularly, but I think she needs to get a bit of a grip if she can’t attend a teen’s 18th birthday for fear of the ex and feeling awkward.

This ^ 100%

Alopeciabop · 02/08/2023 01:54

the ex wife isn’t actually your daughter’s aunty any more though is she? Just seen pps say this and if she’s now divorced from your brother she’s technically not. Right?

if the new wife gets married to him she will be their “aunty”? This is confusing.

obviously though your daughter knows her as her aunty and has done for her whole life so it doesn’t actually matter. Like everyone has said invite them both. Not your problem to sort out. And hopefully they’ll both be grown up, come and just have a nice time.