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Original poster

Inviting my brothers ex wife not his new girlfriend...

241 replies

year12clueless · 02/08/2023 00:39

My brother and his wife of 23 years recently divorced. They have older teen children at uni. As far as divorces go it was amicable- there's always some hurt feelings but they've been very adult about it and are co-parenting amazingly.

Brother has a new much younger girlfriend (she's 31, he's 49) who seems lovely, who his sons like and who is trying really hard to integrate into the family. No overlap in the relationships.

My DD is 18 in a few weeks. I'm having a family party for grandparents, cousins, uncles and aunts. I would like to invite my ex sister in law. We're still very friendly- our children were born at the same time and we've parented them together, holidayed together and supported each other for the last 20 years. She's been a big part of DDs life as well. All our family and my husbands family know and like her as well.

My brother has said that it's entirely up to me and DD who we invite and he'll come regardless but that his new partner won't come if his ex is coming as she feels it could be awkward. He's said that it'll be hard on her seeing how well his old wife fits in with the family. She absolutely understands the situation and no pressure is being placed but I feel bad for her- she's lovely and her and my brother are very happy and it looks like she will be one day be officially part of the family.

-We want ex SIL to attend for good reasons
-Don't want to upset nice new girlfriend
-Brother feels awkward
-My parents are worrying that new girlfriend will think we don't like her. -And also that ex SIL will think we don't still love her.

  • Should we insist on both?

Honestly what would people do?

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 02/08/2023 09:33

HirplesWithHaggis · 02/08/2023 00:46

Invite both ex and new gf, accept new gf's declining the invite with good grace.

This

LadyBird1973 · 02/08/2023 09:34

Assuming it was the brother's decision to end the marriage (I may be unfairly maligning him) then it isn't fair to expect his wider family to not invite his ex wife to family events.
But if it was the ex wife who wanted out, maybe brother would have a point about not being expected to socialise with his ex wife and choosing to prioritise his new girlfriend's feelings instead.

Whatyoutalkingabouteh · 02/08/2023 09:35

I’d invite both- the girls has been with him 2 yrs it’s not like she’s just come on the scene and she’s got with your brother knowing he has a family. Doesn’t sound like people are going out of their way to make her feel awkward- that’s her own insecurity

Sittingonabench · 02/08/2023 09:41

I can see both sides and don’t think there needs to be judgement. You want the ex there as you have shared history and enjoy her company and want to show support. You want new gf there as she is nice and likely to be joining the family so want to be welcoming and supportive of her too. But if new gf doesn’t feel comfortable coming - that’s fine. They may not have met yet or not yet reached a level of being comfortable in social situations and the last thing you need is an audience to that. There will be events which are necessary for them both to attend but this isn’t really one of them. I wouldn’t push it but explain you understand but will be inviting both.

Doopydoor · 02/08/2023 09:42

Alopeciabop · 02/08/2023 01:54

the ex wife isn’t actually your daughter’s aunty any more though is she? Just seen pps say this and if she’s now divorced from your brother she’s technically not. Right?

if the new wife gets married to him she will be their “aunty”? This is confusing.

obviously though your daughter knows her as her aunty and has done for her whole life so it doesn’t actually matter. Like everyone has said invite them both. Not your problem to sort out. And hopefully they’ll both be grown up, come and just have a nice time.

I know this is from further up the thread, but what an awful transactional view of relationships! She's the mother of the DDs cousins. That makes her her aunt. Divorce does enough harm without needlessly breaking up other established family relationships!

As to the question, you clearly invite both. They decide whether to attend.

ThePatriarchyIsNotAboutHorses · 02/08/2023 09:42

Invite both in the he spirit of mature, amicable relationships.

That way the girlfriend and SIL both know you are welcoming each party to the family event.

it is then up to the GF if she wants to come.

Whatswhatwhichiswhich · 02/08/2023 09:50

If she and your brother have been together for 2 years she should be considered family by this point. It would be cruel to exclude her and include a woman that’s no longer married into the family.

AsterixAndPersimmon · 02/08/2023 09:51

I’d invite both of them.

id also tell both of them that ‘the other’ is coming so they know.

id be very clear that your dd and you would really be happy to see them as they are BOTH important part of your dd’s life, in different ways and for different reasons but still important nonetheless.

QueefQueen80s · 02/08/2023 09:52

@Alopeciabop What a strange response, are you feeling okay? I have friends of all ages. This isn't about friendship.

I just think it's sad when a man comes out of a marriage at 50, his ex wife the same age, they have aged together and then he gets to reverse time with a woman 20 years younger? It's a HUGE difference at any age, completely different life stages. The poor ex wife will have it rubbed in her face at the party. She's not gonna have a 31 year old boyfriend is she. What a thing to do to the mum of your children
He gets to get old with a woman still in her prime, caring for him when she's still young, wasting her life.
It's all about mens needs

I'm saying this as a woman in her 30s too so I'm not defensive, I'm on the other side sometimes getting men in their 50s trying it on.. they can fuck off, it's pathetic. I'm not going to be the reason their ex feels bad. When most people see a big age gap they are judging.

aSofaNearYou · 02/08/2023 09:53

BerryGoodPuddingSir · 02/08/2023 09:28

@aSofaNearYou she is making it awkward by telling everyone it will be awkward so even if she attended now everyone already knows she feels uncomfortable and is making it all about her feelings rather than a celebration of an 18 year old's birthday. It would appear to me that she is hoping that her boyfriend of 2 years who she is about to move in with would actually choose not to attend future events (and maybe even this one) because he wouldn't want to leave her behind in future. It is setting it up for future events for neither of them to attend if they invite ex wife who isn't the sister of the OP basically ostracising the ex wife if she wants her brother there.

I have seen this so many times when following a divorce the bloke always chooses the new wife and stays home, it is posted to on here about weddings and graduations and celebrations.

She absolutely understands the situation and no pressure is being placed but I feel bad for her

She is not trying to insist the ex not be invited or pressure her partner into not going. She is not falling out with anyone about it. She is simply uncomfortable going.

From her perspective, it already is awkward, she isn't "making it" awkward. She already feels that way because she is in a situation that many find uncomfortable to navigate. Her partner has "made" it awkward with his life choices. You want her to ignore her feelings and just go along with it because it isn't convenient for others to have to bother thinking about, but it isn't actually costing them anything.

You are just being nasty.

AsterixAndPersimmon · 02/08/2023 09:57

I find it a shame that many people think the ex isn’t family anymore.
She isn’t part if the family Unit with the brother, that’s for sure.

But she is still the mother of his children, the mother of the dd’s cousins. Someone they love and have spent many hols with. How is that not being part of the family?

Spirallingdownwards · 02/08/2023 09:58

RegimentalSturgeon · 02/08/2023 00:54

Ask ex-SIL if she minds the new and lovely (I dislike her already!) GF being there for all or part of proceedings. If she doesn’t, it’s up to N&LGF what she does and gives her a choice between parading her delicate sensibilities or joining in with tactful good grace. No loss to your daughter either way.

Why should the ex get the choice? What nonsense.

As yoj are happy to invite both do just that . The new GF will then choose whether she wants to attend or not and you aren't the one leaving her out.

Prettypaisleyslippers · 02/08/2023 10:00

Invite both, let new GF decline. You don’t get to “insist” on anything.

Saywhanow · 02/08/2023 10:01

Invite them both. This isn't your family breakdown to manage - it's on them.

If girlfriend doesn't want to attend that's on her and that's fine. She's free to make a decision that it might be awkward for her. If ex wife doesn't want to attend, equally that's on her.

You remain 'open' with here's your invite.

I know it's coming from a good place OP but it's a little bit overly involved. It's not your marriage breakdown to manage. Just issue the invites knowing that everyone is an adult and they will make a decision on what's right for them on whether they want to attend or not.

Ultimately it's your daughter's 18th. Focus on that and let the adults take care of themselves.

Alopeciabop · 02/08/2023 10:02

QueefQueen80s · 02/08/2023 09:52

@Alopeciabop What a strange response, are you feeling okay? I have friends of all ages. This isn't about friendship.

I just think it's sad when a man comes out of a marriage at 50, his ex wife the same age, they have aged together and then he gets to reverse time with a woman 20 years younger? It's a HUGE difference at any age, completely different life stages. The poor ex wife will have it rubbed in her face at the party. She's not gonna have a 31 year old boyfriend is she. What a thing to do to the mum of your children
He gets to get old with a woman still in her prime, caring for him when she's still young, wasting her life.
It's all about mens needs

I'm saying this as a woman in her 30s too so I'm not defensive, I'm on the other side sometimes getting men in their 50s trying it on.. they can fuck off, it's pathetic. I'm not going to be the reason their ex feels bad. When most people see a big age gap they are judging.

So how can you have equal friendships with someone older but you can’t have a relationship? Do you actually see yourself as a “young woman”? Because if you haven’t done your growing up by now that’s a problem. This man broke up amicably with his ex wife and at a later date met someone and fell in love. Two years later they’re still together. His family seem to think she’s a nice woman.

should he have stayed single forever or turned down a relationship with someone he loves because his ex wife might be upset that she’s younger than her??

should his ex wife (again, with whom he’s amicably split) refuse a relationship with a man who’s significantly wealthier or more successful or better looking than him to save his feelings?

you are being ageist not only against the man here but you’re actively encouraging women to accept they get less valuable with age - you are saying that youth is better and therefore his ex wife must be offended.

i judge that.

WatchOutMissMarpleIsAbout · 02/08/2023 10:10

AsterixAndPersimmon · 02/08/2023 09:57

I find it a shame that many people think the ex isn’t family anymore.
She isn’t part if the family Unit with the brother, that’s for sure.

But she is still the mother of his children, the mother of the dd’s cousins. Someone they love and have spent many hols with. How is that not being part of the family?

Bravo. I can’t stand this of exes being written out as if they no longer exist.

Alopeciabop · 02/08/2023 10:11

Doopydoor · 02/08/2023 09:42

I know this is from further up the thread, but what an awful transactional view of relationships! She's the mother of the DDs cousins. That makes her her aunt. Divorce does enough harm without needlessly breaking up other established family relationships!

As to the question, you clearly invite both. They decide whether to attend.

Show quote history

It was just a question not a view. My family situation is full of adoption/fostering/friends who are now family so legal & blood is insignificant to me. Was just wondering how it worked

BerryGoodPuddingSir · 02/08/2023 10:19

@aSofaNearYou She is not trying to insist the ex not be invited or pressure her partner into not going. She is not falling out with anyone about it. She is simply uncomfortable going yes she is potentially setting up a falling out with her boyfriend and his family and it sets a precedent for future events where the ex wife and friend of the family may be at. She will refuse to attend and it will suddenly be about the brother choosing his wife over his family. Then the ex wife feeling like she is the reason the girlfriend can't attend.

You sound like a second wife, intent on making things about their feelings not once considering what it must be like for the ex wife who is usually cut off as demonstrated above as they are an in law and not a blood family member. I have seen it happen time and time again.

I regularly attend events where I feel awkward, no divorces, no new wives just not my cup of tea events that I go to because I am invited by my lovely family who I love dearly and I put their feelings above my own because it is not a daily occurrence and they want me there. Dh feels the the same and it is for my family not his, he still shows up.

QueefQueen80s · 02/08/2023 10:20

@Alopeciabop I think you need to look inward to see who needs to do some growing up as you keep trying to insult me personally instead of just replying to what is being said.

It's the men who place a higher value on a younger woman who are ageist.

Holly60 · 02/08/2023 10:21

I'd invite both but invite the new girlfriend by texting or phoning her personally or in person, rather than through your brother.

Make it very clear you would love for her to be there and that you do see her as family.

If she declines maybe suggest a meet up on another day?

Holly60 · 02/08/2023 10:24

QueefQueen80s · 02/08/2023 10:20

@Alopeciabop I think you need to look inward to see who needs to do some growing up as you keep trying to insult me personally instead of just replying to what is being said.

It's the men who place a higher value on a younger woman who are ageist.

How do you know he is 'placing a higher value on younger women'.

He happens to be in a relationship with a woman who is younger than him.

If you met a wonderful man and then it turned out he was incredibly wealthy, would you deserve judgement for being a 'woman who places a higher value on wealthy men'?

WildUnchartedWaters · 02/08/2023 10:24

@QueefQueen80s why can she not? She can do anything she likes.

@RegimentalSturgeon what?why does the ex get to decide?

If the roles were reversed would you allow a man to dictate?

aSofaNearYou · 02/08/2023 10:30

BerryGoodPuddingSir · 02/08/2023 10:19

@aSofaNearYou She is not trying to insist the ex not be invited or pressure her partner into not going. She is not falling out with anyone about it. She is simply uncomfortable going yes she is potentially setting up a falling out with her boyfriend and his family and it sets a precedent for future events where the ex wife and friend of the family may be at. She will refuse to attend and it will suddenly be about the brother choosing his wife over his family. Then the ex wife feeling like she is the reason the girlfriend can't attend.

You sound like a second wife, intent on making things about their feelings not once considering what it must be like for the ex wife who is usually cut off as demonstrated above as they are an in law and not a blood family member. I have seen it happen time and time again.

I regularly attend events where I feel awkward, no divorces, no new wives just not my cup of tea events that I go to because I am invited by my lovely family who I love dearly and I put their feelings above my own because it is not a daily occurrence and they want me there. Dh feels the the same and it is for my family not his, he still shows up.

And you sound like a first wife, giving no shits how anything affects the second wife and just thinking they should suck it up as some kind of punishment for the first wife's struggles.

You are projecting. She's not "making it about her feelings" - that would be asking them not to invite the ex, which she isn't doing. There is no indication it will "suddenly become" anything, they don't HAVE to fall out with her because she isn't (or isn't yet, as she may become so in time) comfortable going to events with his ex wife. Everyone involved can respect that and they can successfully have both relationships separately. Everyone involved seems like they are capable of doing that, which shows far more maturity than your "put up with it or we'll all fall out with you" approach.

Rewis · 02/08/2023 10:31

Invite both. If the girlfriend declines that's their problem. This way you're not taking sides and leaving the drama to the people who are involved in it

CornishGem1975 · 02/08/2023 10:34

You sound like a second wife, intent on making things about their feelings not once considering what it must be like for the ex wife who is usually cut off as demonstrated above as they are an in law and not a blood family member. I have seen it happen time and time again.

A lot of second wives are also first wives. I am a second wife, but I was also first wife. My ex-husband has a new girlfriend, who quite rightly goes to all family events as his partner. I would never go along to something that is about his family, even though I was with him for 16 years! That's not my place. He has a new family.