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Original poster

Inviting my brothers ex wife not his new girlfriend...

241 replies

year12clueless · 02/08/2023 00:39

My brother and his wife of 23 years recently divorced. They have older teen children at uni. As far as divorces go it was amicable- there's always some hurt feelings but they've been very adult about it and are co-parenting amazingly.

Brother has a new much younger girlfriend (she's 31, he's 49) who seems lovely, who his sons like and who is trying really hard to integrate into the family. No overlap in the relationships.

My DD is 18 in a few weeks. I'm having a family party for grandparents, cousins, uncles and aunts. I would like to invite my ex sister in law. We're still very friendly- our children were born at the same time and we've parented them together, holidayed together and supported each other for the last 20 years. She's been a big part of DDs life as well. All our family and my husbands family know and like her as well.

My brother has said that it's entirely up to me and DD who we invite and he'll come regardless but that his new partner won't come if his ex is coming as she feels it could be awkward. He's said that it'll be hard on her seeing how well his old wife fits in with the family. She absolutely understands the situation and no pressure is being placed but I feel bad for her- she's lovely and her and my brother are very happy and it looks like she will be one day be officially part of the family.

-We want ex SIL to attend for good reasons
-Don't want to upset nice new girlfriend
-Brother feels awkward
-My parents are worrying that new girlfriend will think we don't like her. -And also that ex SIL will think we don't still love her.

  • Should we insist on both?

Honestly what would people do?

OP posts:
WildUnchartedWaters · 03/08/2023 00:36

year12clueless · 02/08/2023 22:40

Exactly this. She will always be my children's aunt. She's family. Everyone including the new GF recognises the pivotal role she's had in our family for years and that can't be erased because she no longer wants to ski and do cycling holidays and DH doesn't want to be vegetarian (There's a lot more to their divorce. I'm summarising!) She was a rock when my mum was sick. I've seen her through a devastating late term miscarriage. She was the one who flagged my (to her) obvious depression after my second child and insisted I see someone- taking on an entire family who are a bit shit with any sort of weariness and advocating for me. Over the years we've been on 2 great holidays,one horrific villa in Ibiza, and a camping trip we all came home from early. She is family.

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💜

Thistlelass · 03/08/2023 00:44

Come on now, he has been with new girlfriend for 2 years! Not as if it was last week. Just make sure they each know the other is invited .... invite a hot 35 year old single male for your SIL ha!

Rudicoolcat · 03/08/2023 07:42

Twoleftlegs · 02/08/2023 00:51

I’d invite them both and see if new girlfriend can be an actual grown up

It is all a bit awkward, but dating a bloke twenty years older with a whole history isn’t for the faint hearted. I’m her age, and at 29 this is exactly why i didn’t entertain older men with ex wives and big kids!

Ex SIL is your DC’s aunt. She will be part of your life as long as long as these generations of the family will socialise together, one day there will be drift - but that isn’t yet.

New GF absolutely shouldn’t expect to have ex wife round her flat for cups of tea or have to see her regularly regularly, but I think she needs to get a bit of a grip if she can’t attend a teen’s 18th birthday for fear of the ex and feeling awkward.

Absolutely agree with this.

PansyP · 03/08/2023 11:55

New gf needs to grow up and be as mature as everyone else is being. Invite them both and leave it up to them

aSofaNearYou · 03/08/2023 15:16

PansyP · 03/08/2023 11:55

New gf needs to grow up and be as mature as everyone else is being. Invite them both and leave it up to them

She doesn't "need" to do anything of the sort.

BarrelOfOtters · 03/08/2023 15:29

aSofaNearYou · 03/08/2023 15:16

She doesn't "need" to do anything of the sort.

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Well she kind of does if this is going to be a long term relationship, there'll be weddings, christenings, Christmas, birthdays to negotiate, it's a damn site easier if everyone behaves like grown ups.

LolaSmiles · 03/08/2023 15:51

Well she kind of does if this is going to be a long term relationship, there'll be weddings, christenings, Christmas, birthdays to negotiate, it's a damn site easier if everyone behaves like grown ups.
Agree with this.
They've been together a couple of years now and she's still refusing to attend events where his ex wife is present. I'd understand awkwardness if they were newly dating or the split from ex wife was recent, but not years in with an ex wife who has remained on good terms with her in laws and nieces.

New girlfriend not attending is what's making things increasingly awkward. At some point she's going to have to get over it.

aSofaNearYou · 03/08/2023 16:13

Well she kind of does if this is going to be a long term relationship, there'll be weddings, christenings, Christmas, birthdays to negotiate, it's a damn site easier if everyone behaves like grown ups.

She can choose not to attend those things if she doesn't want to. A relationship is not made or broken by whether they go to your niece's birthday party, people choose to conduct themselves in all sorts of ways in relationships. It's only a problem if people are too controlling to accept that.

SnozPoz · 03/08/2023 18:14

I get it, I really do, but new partner is part of the family now, not the ex wife, and the right, but maybe difficult thing, to do is to not invite the ex and invite the new partner. You can see the ex separately so she knows she is still loved. It's part of the breaking up period that is hard on everyone.

agonyau · 03/08/2023 18:26

My advice is invite both. If you want you can phone the gf to encourage her to come & explain that there may be many family events in furture that his ex may be at, so it’s best to get over her inhibitions about it sooner than later (though I think really it’s up to your brother to give this supportive ‘pep’ talk not you). Organising a party is difficult enough without worrying about whether grown adults are likely to come or not because of their own insecurities, you shouldn’t feel obligated to offend your ex-sister in-law just to ensure the gf’s attendance - blended families have this issue all the time, so compromises have to be made, but not by peripheral individuals like yourself. Do ask your brother to persuade gf to come. Hope party goes well & breaks the ice for them both, should they both attend.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 03/08/2023 18:52

Invite both. New gf has to accept that there's a hailstorm that she wasn't a part of and this will become more apparent at family events.... what happens when your daughter gets married for example....

If your DB and his ex can manage it, then the GF can't really have any issues and needs to grow up.

Kentucky83 · 03/08/2023 18:56

I feel for you OP, I've been in similar situations before and I worry about the same things.
I can only tell you how I would deal with it - I'd speak to the girl whose party it was and if she wanted everyone there I would invite everyone. If the girlfriend didn't come I would make a point of trying to arrange a two-family get together (doesn't matter what but exclusive to my family and brother/kids/gf) shortly after.

Susuwatariandkodama · 03/08/2023 19:03

SnozPoz · 03/08/2023 18:14

I get it, I really do, but new partner is part of the family now, not the ex wife, and the right, but maybe difficult thing, to do is to not invite the ex and invite the new partner. You can see the ex separately so she knows she is still loved. It's part of the breaking up period that is hard on everyone.

In this situation I feel the ex comes first, she is still family and there’s so much history, it’s not fair to push her out and invite her separately, her children will still be attending family events and she has a right to be there with them.

The new gf needs to come to terms with the fact she has married a much older man who has had long marriage and that means his ex wife will always be part of the family.

What will the gf do when the children get married? Or have children? Or family gatherings? Will she avoid every single event forever because it’s awkward?

cymbidium · 03/08/2023 19:07

It would be rude of you not to invite both. It’s up to them to decline. They both seem to be very welcome.

LKM23 · 03/08/2023 19:24

You invite both and they make their own choices 🤷‍♀️

Shelby2010 · 03/08/2023 19:31

I agree that you should invite them both.

Maybe ask DB & GF to come a bit earlier & suggest ExW comes a bit later. GF might feel a bit more comfortable & able to stay if she has a chance to get settled neck several glasses of wine before exW arrives.

Just set the expectation that you’ll be inviting them both to such events & they have to deal with it as adults.

smilesup · 03/08/2023 19:32

QueefQueen80s · 02/08/2023 01:05

Disgusting age gap. Such a cliche, couldn't he find a woman his own age

Tbh I find your farty fanny name more disgusting than this age gap.

Ilovecleaning · 03/08/2023 19:36

Invite them both and leave them to it.

Mumof3confused · 03/08/2023 19:38

Invite both. It’s up to them to decide whether to come or not.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 03/08/2023 19:45

HeddaGarbled · 02/08/2023 01:12

18 year old has a party for her own age group, including cousins. Invite family over or visit separately.

My cousins are massively different in age to me. I have some 18+ years younger than me and some 20+ years older. So in my family, almost everyone falls into that age range

OsirisservesAnubis · 03/08/2023 20:09

Invite them all, expect that girlfriend will make her excuses and decline the invitation. Accept that with grace.

I see no issue here.

Blueblell · 03/08/2023 20:19

If it is amicable and there was no overlap can you talk to both ex SIL and new girlfriend and say you would really like them both there is that possible?

if they have been together 2 years and divorced at least 2 years then surely it should be doable. You need to sell it to both of them in a way - good if you can all have an amicable relationship for your brothers children going forward.

QueefQueen80s · 03/08/2023 21:05

@smilesup Good. 😂

csigeek · 03/08/2023 21:45

My uncle (DM’s brother) and aunt divorced when I was about 14 (now 40) and my aunt is still my aunt. Both remarried (at least once!) but it is still very awkward and if my aunt is invited to something my uncle won’t attend with his current wife.
they either need to get over it or decide if they don’t want to be part of the family.
your ex SIL has been part of your family for a very long time and that doesn’t just disappear. If it’s amicable, there is no reason why it can’t be easy.

Keeper11 · 03/08/2023 22:30

I have been the “new girlfriend” and I think I got along with all the family. But I totally understood the first wife had been part of the wider family and therefore she was more than entitled to her place at all family events. My attendance might have been a distraction, so it was far easier not to attend. As far as I know everybody understood. It sounds as if all parties in the OP's family are reasonable, so try not to overthink it. Definitely do not “insist” first wife and new girlfriend attend! Invite both if you want, but be prepared if the new girlfriend declines, and don’t make a situation where the first wife is forced out! In time all parties might come together, but only slowly slowly. Good luck