Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Inviting my brothers ex wife not his new girlfriend...

241 replies

year12clueless · 02/08/2023 00:39

My brother and his wife of 23 years recently divorced. They have older teen children at uni. As far as divorces go it was amicable- there's always some hurt feelings but they've been very adult about it and are co-parenting amazingly.

Brother has a new much younger girlfriend (she's 31, he's 49) who seems lovely, who his sons like and who is trying really hard to integrate into the family. No overlap in the relationships.

My DD is 18 in a few weeks. I'm having a family party for grandparents, cousins, uncles and aunts. I would like to invite my ex sister in law. We're still very friendly- our children were born at the same time and we've parented them together, holidayed together and supported each other for the last 20 years. She's been a big part of DDs life as well. All our family and my husbands family know and like her as well.

My brother has said that it's entirely up to me and DD who we invite and he'll come regardless but that his new partner won't come if his ex is coming as she feels it could be awkward. He's said that it'll be hard on her seeing how well his old wife fits in with the family. She absolutely understands the situation and no pressure is being placed but I feel bad for her- she's lovely and her and my brother are very happy and it looks like she will be one day be officially part of the family.

-We want ex SIL to attend for good reasons
-Don't want to upset nice new girlfriend
-Brother feels awkward
-My parents are worrying that new girlfriend will think we don't like her. -And also that ex SIL will think we don't still love her.

  • Should we insist on both?

Honestly what would people do?

OP posts:
JaukiVexnoydi · 02/08/2023 08:55

It's a teen's 18th birthday party, it's not a wedding.

Everyone involved seems to be fairly reasonable and grownup.

I think you can send the same message to both the new gf and the ex - that while you like and respect and want to be good friends with both of them, you totally understand that there are reasons why it might not be great for both of them to be at the same family event. Therefore whichever of them doesn't come to the big party, you'd like to arrange a posh afternoon tea at (insert name of poshest nearby hotel) to celebrate the event with them separately. You're sending this to both in order to find out whether either of them would find that more appealing than coming to the shindig.

aSofaNearYou · 02/08/2023 08:57

I think it's fine to invite both and just accept new GF not coming if she doesn't want to. It sounds like everyone's being pretty decent and understanding about the situation.

I think people on here are being predictably nasty and unpleasant about GF not wanting to go, though. It's understandable that it would be awkward for her, people on MN are never happy unless any subsequent partner is ignoring their own discomfort even when it isn't really necessary for them to do so. It comes across like you are all delighting in the possibility of her being uncomfortable.

CornishGem1975 · 02/08/2023 08:58

Yeah just invite everyone and let them make their mind up, but on the other side of the fence I was "aunty" to my inlaws kids and my now DH was "uncle" to his inlaws kids and even when we first divorced, I never went to their family events again, and the same for DH, and the kids involved now have new aunty and uncle!

WildUnchartedWaters · 02/08/2023 09:00

Surprised at the snarky responses about asking dd. I'm not sure an 18 year old understands the complexities.

I would invite both and leave them to it

If there was an affair I'd understand but the poor woman cant be expected to go nowhere and him go on his own to everything because he used to have a wife.

I assume if sil gets a new partner she would like him to be invited.

IAmKenough · 02/08/2023 09:02

Invite both. It's up to them if they attend. The girlfriend is going to have to get used to negotiating the ex wife at family events.

cansu · 02/08/2023 09:05

Invite them both and let them decide for themselves.

AIBot · 02/08/2023 09:07

I would invite the new GF and not the ex wife. Families change.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 02/08/2023 09:09

Invite both. The new girlfriend is the future. The wife a significant part of the past. Both relevant.

It’s up to them if they accept.

BerryGoodPuddingSir · 02/08/2023 09:11

It seemed to me that the girlfriend would have been invited and the brother is just giving a heads up that she won't attend if the ex wife will be there. She is being pathetic. Surely going forward the girlfriend will have to accept being at events where the ex wife will be, university graduation if they manage to get 3 tickets (most likely just 2) weddings, christenings, birthdays. She is the one making it awkward. He really should talk to her. Society pits second wives/girlfriends against first wives/girlfriends. Why not just try to make the best of it. Men also probably don't want any friendship between first and second wives probably fearing that they have one thing in common to talk about. My best friend still sees her first husband even though they don't have children together, he gets on just fine with her second husband. It is quite lovely really.

Ndd135632 · 02/08/2023 09:13

It’s your daughters birthday not yours. What does she want? She may not want either?

Iseeall · 02/08/2023 09:14

Have ex and girlfriend met before. If they are both lovely I agree about inviting them both.
If they haven't met before I can understand it would be awkward and feel like all eyes are on you.

aSofaNearYou · 02/08/2023 09:14

BerryGoodPuddingSir · 02/08/2023 09:11

It seemed to me that the girlfriend would have been invited and the brother is just giving a heads up that she won't attend if the ex wife will be there. She is being pathetic. Surely going forward the girlfriend will have to accept being at events where the ex wife will be, university graduation if they manage to get 3 tickets (most likely just 2) weddings, christenings, birthdays. She is the one making it awkward. He really should talk to her. Society pits second wives/girlfriends against first wives/girlfriends. Why not just try to make the best of it. Men also probably don't want any friendship between first and second wives probably fearing that they have one thing in common to talk about. My best friend still sees her first husband even though they don't have children together, he gets on just fine with her second husband. It is quite lovely really.

She is not being pathetic, what is the need for that? She finds it awkward, this is not an event she needs to attend like his kids wedding or something. The relationship is still fairly new and she is still finding her feet in a situation that can be emotionally challenging. Why do you feel the need to call her pathetic?

RoyalImpatience · 02/08/2023 09:18

Definitely invite both and you have done the right thing and it's out of your hands how they react and what they do.

Maddy70 · 02/08/2023 09:18

I would invite them both. It's up to then If they accept or decline but more importantly what does the birthday girl want?

Hotgoose · 02/08/2023 09:20

Invite both, if the gf declines maybe just say you understand but would love her to be there. If she still doesn’t want to attend then maybe suggest a meal out with your family including your daughter and her.

DivineLillith · 02/08/2023 09:25

Invite both, glad everyone is being a grown up regarding parenting. I would be seriously questioning if he fancies being a parent again round 2 from scratch as his new GF is so young.

Anyport · 02/08/2023 09:25

You can't insist that two people attend your party. You have already been told that one won't attend if the other does. You are just adding to the problem.

LadyBird1973 · 02/08/2023 09:26

When people get married, their parents and siblings are supposed to accept that new spouse as part of their own family - when you have years of history with a sister in law, that doesn't just end because the couple separate.
Your sil is your friend, your children's aunt and of course she should be included.

New gf and brother just have to come to terms with the fact that 20 year histories cannot just be erased and new gf can make a choice to come or not. It should be of sone comfort to her to know that in your family, people are valued for themselves and not only because of their relationship to someone in the blood family.

Canidoitreally · 02/08/2023 09:27

Another vote for inviting both and it's up to them what they do then.

I was in the exw position and my exh got me uninvited. I was extremely hurt and am no longer friends with the party host who allowed themselves to be pressured by him.

Olika · 02/08/2023 09:27

I would invite everybody and it's up to them then who ends up coming. Don't entertain their drama.

MiniCooperLover · 02/08/2023 09:28

I think you invite both and let your brother know that while you'd love to see new girlfriend there, you won't be held to an emotional ransom (as it were) about ex-SIL (this surely won't be the only time this happens either!). If new girlfriend wants to fit in with the family she's going to have to learn to see the ex at times.

BerryGoodPuddingSir · 02/08/2023 09:28

@aSofaNearYou she is making it awkward by telling everyone it will be awkward so even if she attended now everyone already knows she feels uncomfortable and is making it all about her feelings rather than a celebration of an 18 year old's birthday. It would appear to me that she is hoping that her boyfriend of 2 years who she is about to move in with would actually choose not to attend future events (and maybe even this one) because he wouldn't want to leave her behind in future. It is setting it up for future events for neither of them to attend if they invite ex wife who isn't the sister of the OP basically ostracising the ex wife if she wants her brother there.

I have seen this so many times when following a divorce the bloke always chooses the new wife and stays home, it is posted to on here about weddings and graduations and celebrations.

MNetcurtains · 02/08/2023 09:31

From what I read, the new girlfriend has already made the decision for you, and graciously at that. What is the problem?

SpilltheTea · 02/08/2023 09:32

Invite both and leave them to it. The girlfriend will need to get over the awkwardness eventually.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 02/08/2023 09:32

Morewineplease10 · 02/08/2023 08:27

Invite both and hope the GF doesn't come.

Not the point of the thread but WHY woukdxa young woman want to date a 20 years older guy - I just don't get it.

I don't get why some people have such an issue with what consenting adults do. I've been with DH for nearly 26 years and he's 20 years older than me. We have the same interests (apart from music, his taste is crap!) and are friends as well as married.

Going back to the original post, having been in a similar situation as the girlfriend I would invite both. DH and I had been together a lot longer when his son got married and we were both invited to the wedding and it went fine.