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Original poster

Inviting my brothers ex wife not his new girlfriend...

241 replies

year12clueless · 02/08/2023 00:39

My brother and his wife of 23 years recently divorced. They have older teen children at uni. As far as divorces go it was amicable- there's always some hurt feelings but they've been very adult about it and are co-parenting amazingly.

Brother has a new much younger girlfriend (she's 31, he's 49) who seems lovely, who his sons like and who is trying really hard to integrate into the family. No overlap in the relationships.

My DD is 18 in a few weeks. I'm having a family party for grandparents, cousins, uncles and aunts. I would like to invite my ex sister in law. We're still very friendly- our children were born at the same time and we've parented them together, holidayed together and supported each other for the last 20 years. She's been a big part of DDs life as well. All our family and my husbands family know and like her as well.

My brother has said that it's entirely up to me and DD who we invite and he'll come regardless but that his new partner won't come if his ex is coming as she feels it could be awkward. He's said that it'll be hard on her seeing how well his old wife fits in with the family. She absolutely understands the situation and no pressure is being placed but I feel bad for her- she's lovely and her and my brother are very happy and it looks like she will be one day be officially part of the family.

-We want ex SIL to attend for good reasons
-Don't want to upset nice new girlfriend
-Brother feels awkward
-My parents are worrying that new girlfriend will think we don't like her. -And also that ex SIL will think we don't still love her.

  • Should we insist on both?

Honestly what would people do?

OP posts:
Alopeciabop · 02/08/2023 10:35

QueefQueen80s · 02/08/2023 10:20

@Alopeciabop I think you need to look inward to see who needs to do some growing up as you keep trying to insult me personally instead of just replying to what is being said.

It's the men who place a higher value on a younger woman who are ageist.

You asked me “are you feeling ok? To be disparaging. And you know it.. and I don’t call people pathetic because of who they choose to be with unless it’s someone underage or vulnerable, neither of which this women has been described as.

No maybe he just met someone and liked her and fell in love. The same way your older friends met you and liked you and enjoyed your company.

maybe this man will break up with this woman and then go on to meet a 60 year old and get in a relationship with her? You also literally have no clue why he broke up with his ex wife. Maybe they just fell out of love? Maybe she cheated? Maybe he loved her but she didn’t love him? but you have decided that because you don’t like older men he’s pathetic?

In case you hadn’t noticed, you’ve made a sweeping statement and an assumption based on an ageist stereotype.

harriethoyle · 02/08/2023 10:45

a) If they've been together for 2 years, and they are about to move in together, it's clearly a well established relationship and she's not a "new" girlfriend. Why are you trying to minimise the relationship?

b) it's not for you to exclude either. Invite both and let them decide. If your brother's partner doesn't come, follow up with an alternative invitation to a different family event, even if just a bbq or whatever.

foodiefil · 02/08/2023 10:58

Ha this is me! Except I’m 10 years in as the new younger girlfriend now wife.
Agree with others - invite them both. It’s for new gf to decide if she can handle being around ex.
My dh ex wife is lovely. We can be around each other - proms, 21st etc.
i see her as the mother of my stepchildren in the absolute first instance rather than my h’s ex wife. Being their mother is the much bigger role.

new gf will need to get used to her because she isn’t going anywhere.

sounds like you are all being really lovely to new gf too

WildUnchartedWaters · 02/08/2023 10:59

Alopeciabop · 02/08/2023 10:35

You asked me “are you feeling ok? To be disparaging. And you know it.. and I don’t call people pathetic because of who they choose to be with unless it’s someone underage or vulnerable, neither of which this women has been described as.

No maybe he just met someone and liked her and fell in love. The same way your older friends met you and liked you and enjoyed your company.

maybe this man will break up with this woman and then go on to meet a 60 year old and get in a relationship with her? You also literally have no clue why he broke up with his ex wife. Maybe they just fell out of love? Maybe she cheated? Maybe he loved her but she didn’t love him? but you have decided that because you don’t like older men he’s pathetic?

In case you hadn’t noticed, you’ve made a sweeping statement and an assumption based on an ageist stereotype.

Show quote history

👏👏

DisforDarkChocolate · 02/08/2023 11:04

Just invite them all, if the GF doesn't come or only pops in at the end it's on her but your not excluding her.

At some point events will occur where they both should attend, surely it's better to do this at a more neutral event like this than something big like a wedding.

MrsSkylerWhite · 02/08/2023 11:06

Invite both. Up to them if they want to come or not.

Kyliemichelletaylor · 02/08/2023 11:19

I think you’ve given it a lot of thought and consideration which is very kind of you. I believe you should invite both and each adult can make their own decision. Invite everyone and let them own their own ‘shit’ so to speak. And bravo on you for being so respectful and inclusive xx

MrsMarzetti · 02/08/2023 11:42

Invite all 3, if one chooses not to attend it will be their doing not yours, problem solved.

Stacybrown · 02/08/2023 11:50

I think both should come. They’re adults and she is now stepmother to his children so she will have to have involvement with her! As a 31 year old women, I feel like she’s being insecure and immature.

Cranberriesandtea · 02/08/2023 12:04

If he is a amicable as you say he is and his kids are involved the. Ex-wife and new partner should be fine. 31 is very much an adult and should be putting her feelings of insecurity on the back burner for the sake of the party.

Recently went to a party with an ex-wife and new partner situation, we love the ex-wife she has been a big important person in all of our lives. The whole family just embraced everyone there new and old.

aSofaNearYou · 02/08/2023 12:10

Stacybrown · 02/08/2023 11:50

I think both should come. They’re adults and she is now stepmother to his children so she will have to have involvement with her! As a 31 year old women, I feel like she’s being insecure and immature.

I've gone many years without having any involvement with my DPs ex. I'd have been far more uncomfortable if it had been necessary in the early days, than I would be now. Why do strangers feel that someone in this situation needs to rush this when they aren't ready and feel uncomfortable? I highly doubt the niece is particularly bothered if her uncle's girlfriend is there or not.

To me, it's attitudes like this that come across as immature. It just feels like proving a point because you fundamentally have an issue with second marriages/step parents - ie, you must not ever show that any of this is in any way difficult for you, even if it's early days so you're still getting used to it and you're harming nobody, all we'll all call you names, because we don't think you have a right to find any of it difficult.

aSofaNearYou · 02/08/2023 12:16

31 is very much an adult and should be putting her feelings of insecurity on the back burner for the sake of the party.

And again, why?? She probably wants to not go far more than anyone is actually bothered about her being there. This is not an event she is central to.

LimeCheesecake · 02/08/2023 12:43

another saying invite them both. Your exSIL has been part of your DDs whole life, so invite her. The new GF can decline if she wants.

it might help the GF to see the ex at events like this.

BarrelOfOtters · 02/08/2023 12:47

New girlfriend needs to grow up and get over herself. My husband’s ex has been at every family get together. The sooner she does it the less awkward it gets.

JFDIYOLO · 02/08/2023 12:53

I'd invite them both. Everyone is nice. Your ex SIL is still part of your family and friends network. She's also part of the birthday girl's too - and that's what matters. Who your daughter wants there. You didn't end your relationships with ex SIL just because he did.

His new GF is also a part of the mix. Your brother needs to have a word with his GF and explain this to her. She has to grow up, make an effort, be an adult and fit in.

Even if she is young enough to be his daughter.

TeeBee · 02/08/2023 12:56

I'd feel very let down by my sister if she did this. Surely your first allegiance should be to your brother.

drpet49 · 02/08/2023 13:09

JFDIYOLO · 02/08/2023 12:53

I'd invite them both. Everyone is nice. Your ex SIL is still part of your family and friends network. She's also part of the birthday girl's too - and that's what matters. Who your daughter wants there. You didn't end your relationships with ex SIL just because he did.

His new GF is also a part of the mix. Your brother needs to have a word with his GF and explain this to her. She has to grow up, make an effort, be an adult and fit in.

Even if she is young enough to be his daughter.

This. I feel the girlfriend is being difficult for the sake of it. Her loss if she still chooses not to come.

Stacybrown · 02/08/2023 13:13

aSofaNearYou · 02/08/2023 12:10

I've gone many years without having any involvement with my DPs ex. I'd have been far more uncomfortable if it had been necessary in the early days, than I would be now. Why do strangers feel that someone in this situation needs to rush this when they aren't ready and feel uncomfortable? I highly doubt the niece is particularly bothered if her uncle's girlfriend is there or not.

To me, it's attitudes like this that come across as immature. It just feels like proving a point because you fundamentally have an issue with second marriages/step parents - ie, you must not ever show that any of this is in any way difficult for you, even if it's early days so you're still getting used to it and you're harming nobody, all we'll all call you names, because we don't think you have a right to find any of it difficult.

Show quote history

I just personally don’t think it’s mature to refuse to attend something. what about the children’s parties, graduations and weddings! How selfish

WildUnchartedWaters · 02/08/2023 13:22

Whata interesting is that if the SIL refused to attend, itd be respected but if the poor woman who's done nothing wrong did, I'm sure people would call her selfish.

The woman so far is only allowed to attend if an 18 year old agrees to it, if sil decrees it but preferably it would have been better if she was older cause it's weird shes 31.

She has done NOTHING wrong.

babybopella · 02/08/2023 13:26

I must admit, If I was the new gf I’d find it awkward but I’d go. Id just go and get on with it. So I think invite both and hope they both come.

Callyem · 02/08/2023 13:27

Invite them both and let them figure it out.

Janieforever · 02/08/2023 13:31

his current partner has said she won’t go if the ex is there.

I wish folks would stop calling her the new girlfriend. They’ve been together two years, it’s far from new.

LolaSmiles · 02/08/2023 13:35

Agree with other posters. You invite both and then it's up to the girlfriend whether she chooses to attend.

She chose to get into a relationship with a much older man, with almost adult children, an amicable co-parenting relationship and where his ex has remained a positive part of the family.

It might be a little awkward to start with, but what's her plan long term: to never attend any family events because your children's aunt is there? That seems quite childish.

aSofaNearYou · 02/08/2023 14:01

I just personally don’t think it’s mature to refuse to attend something. what about the children’s parties, graduations and weddings! How selfish

It's selfish to insist someone make themselves uncomfortable to attend your event when they're not even really needed there. If it was important to her DSC that she attend their birthday party/wedding down the line, she could figure it out then, but this is very unlikely to be important to her boyfriend's niece. It's selfish to insist she must go anyway just because you personally don't see why it makes her uncomfortable. People just lack empathy about this.

JST88 · 02/08/2023 14:17

Invite everyone and have them make their own decisions. Maybe put the suggestion out there that the gf meets the ex wife, the party may be good neutral grounds for this? The new gf sounds like she’s being respectful but the relationship you’ve had with your SIL should definitely be treasured, best of luck!

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