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Original poster

Inviting my brothers ex wife not his new girlfriend...

241 replies

year12clueless · 02/08/2023 00:39

My brother and his wife of 23 years recently divorced. They have older teen children at uni. As far as divorces go it was amicable- there's always some hurt feelings but they've been very adult about it and are co-parenting amazingly.

Brother has a new much younger girlfriend (she's 31, he's 49) who seems lovely, who his sons like and who is trying really hard to integrate into the family. No overlap in the relationships.

My DD is 18 in a few weeks. I'm having a family party for grandparents, cousins, uncles and aunts. I would like to invite my ex sister in law. We're still very friendly- our children were born at the same time and we've parented them together, holidayed together and supported each other for the last 20 years. She's been a big part of DDs life as well. All our family and my husbands family know and like her as well.

My brother has said that it's entirely up to me and DD who we invite and he'll come regardless but that his new partner won't come if his ex is coming as she feels it could be awkward. He's said that it'll be hard on her seeing how well his old wife fits in with the family. She absolutely understands the situation and no pressure is being placed but I feel bad for her- she's lovely and her and my brother are very happy and it looks like she will be one day be officially part of the family.

-We want ex SIL to attend for good reasons
-Don't want to upset nice new girlfriend
-Brother feels awkward
-My parents are worrying that new girlfriend will think we don't like her. -And also that ex SIL will think we don't still love her.

  • Should we insist on both?

Honestly what would people do?

OP posts:
Toomuchtrouble4me · 04/08/2023 00:34

sentinent · 02/08/2023 01:04

The mother has to be at her daughter's 18th surely?

It’s her niece through marriage

stacyvaron · 04/08/2023 01:02

This isn't yours to be in the middle of. Invite both, let each know the other is coming and that she can come or not, no pressure either way. Let the three of them work it out, as it should be.

OhcantthInkofaname · 04/08/2023 01:19

Your child's Aunt of course.

CelestiaNoctis · 04/08/2023 02:28

I would insist on both. I would sit them both down individually and explain to SIL she's still loved and she absolutely is coming regardless. And new girlfriend, that ex is part of the family and she'll have to face the situation sooner or later. And that she's very much liked and wanted to be there. The situation isn't going to go away so she needs to come now and get on with it. It won't be as bad as she's thinking and she'll slot right in herself and find her own place in your family. Maybe her and ex will grow to become friends themselves someday 🤷‍♀️ but she needs to give it a chance.

aSofaNearYou · 04/08/2023 07:37

CelestiaNoctis · 04/08/2023 02:28

I would insist on both. I would sit them both down individually and explain to SIL she's still loved and she absolutely is coming regardless. And new girlfriend, that ex is part of the family and she'll have to face the situation sooner or later. And that she's very much liked and wanted to be there. The situation isn't going to go away so she needs to come now and get on with it. It won't be as bad as she's thinking and she'll slot right in herself and find her own place in your family. Maybe her and ex will grow to become friends themselves someday 🤷‍♀️ but she needs to give it a chance.

Are you always this controlling? You can't insist someone comes to your party or tell them what to do like this.

Blanketpolicy · 04/08/2023 07:42

Dont see the issue. Youve invited both. New gf declined which is her perogative.

You are overthinking it.

Insist on both? Not your place.

monsteramunch · 04/08/2023 09:33

CelestiaNoctis · 04/08/2023 02:28

I would insist on both. I would sit them both down individually and explain to SIL she's still loved and she absolutely is coming regardless. And new girlfriend, that ex is part of the family and she'll have to face the situation sooner or later. And that she's very much liked and wanted to be there. The situation isn't going to go away so she needs to come now and get on with it. It won't be as bad as she's thinking and she'll slot right in herself and find her own place in your family. Maybe her and ex will grow to become friends themselves someday 🤷‍♀️ but she needs to give it a chance.

Would you really dictate to other adults how they have to behave?! This would be so controlling it's utterly bizarre.

Beastieboys · 04/08/2023 18:06

QueefQueen80s · 02/08/2023 01:05

Disgusting age gap. Such a cliche, couldn't he find a woman his own age

Wow you sound so judgemental and Oooo.....so bitter!
Bet your mouth is all pursed up like a cats bum 🤣🤣
The only cliche I see here is that of a jealous ,unhappy human .

QueefQueen80s · 04/08/2023 18:29

@Beastieboys Nope I'm a happy spirit 🖤 Get told I'm always smiling and laughing. Think you're a little defensive 🤣

Madmeerkat · 05/08/2023 19:51

They’ve been together two years??! I thought you were going to say two months.. I think it’s very disrespectful to the new girlfriend and your brother. And hurtful. Personally I would ask the ex wife out for a birthday lunch instead with you and your daughter to celebrate, and ask the girlfriend to the party x

londonba · 05/08/2023 19:54

Honestly, you’re overthinking this and are being quite dramatic. Invite both and let them decide if they want to go, and let them deal with any change in dynamics. It’s not for you to get anxious over. Also it’s a party for an 18 year old, I doubt their presence or lack of presence will make or break the party.

TeamSleep · 05/08/2023 20:05

If it’s going to be awkward for anyone surely it’s your brother’s ex wife? Invite both but I really don’t understand why the new girlfriend wouldn’t want to come.

Dibbydoos · 06/08/2023 13:29

Invite both, say you're looking forward to seeing them and appreciate it may initially feel awkward but we're one big family.

If DBs GF chooses not to come it's her choice. People have free Will...

Stacybrown · 25/08/2023 19:21

aSofaNearYou · 02/08/2023 14:01

I just personally don’t think it’s mature to refuse to attend something. what about the children’s parties, graduations and weddings! How selfish

It's selfish to insist someone make themselves uncomfortable to attend your event when they're not even really needed there. If it was important to her DSC that she attend their birthday party/wedding down the line, she could figure it out then, but this is very unlikely to be important to her boyfriend's niece. It's selfish to insist she must go anyway just because you personally don't see why it makes her uncomfortable. People just lack empathy about this.

whenever I’ve entered an adult relationship I’ve acknowledged they have a past and I either ensure I’m okay with that or I don’t enter that relationship. I don’t then cause issues for other people particularly when there are children involved.

aSofaNearYou · 25/08/2023 19:58

whenever I’ve entered an adult relationship I’ve acknowledged they have a past and I either ensure I’m okay with that or I don’t enter that relationship. I don’t then cause issues for other people particularly when there are children involved.

Now I've dusted off my memory of what this thread was even about... she isn't causing a problem for other people, though, is she. Not wanting to go somewhere she isn't needed isn't causing a problem.

And I think there's a difference between acknowledging someone has a past and having to have this much involvement with it - that isn't standard and many that accept their partner having a past on paper wouldn't want this.

Bumblebee2022 · 25/08/2023 20:16

Having been in a similar position, invite both. We did and it was the first of many occasions they have been in the same room. Very awkward at first, (I know at the end, the ex left and sobbed as it had upset her so much), with people feeling they had to ‘pick a side’, some family members not wanting to upset the ex in case she stopped access to the dc, but it’s ok now. They will never be mates, but they make the effort to be polite to each other and that’s fine.

in your situation, if the new gf decides not to come, that’s on her. If she wants to be with a man with children, this is going to happen many times and she needs to get used to it!

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